Will try and be brief. Been with OH 18 months. We met through mutual friends. I have children with my ex husband . Kids were introduced slowly they all get on great. Kids like having him around asked when he would move in and I discussed how they would feel about it should that happen and they were all happy and excited and wanted it . I am mid 30s OH early 30s and he has no kids. I can’t have anymore children and although he said he couldn’t garantee one day he might not feel he wants a family of his own he doesn’t have an overwhelming feeling to have his own kids that he was happy with us he loved his time with us etc .
Recently a friend of his had a baby I mentioned I am sure one day he would love his own and he said I am happy with how things are. He did always say he would feel disappointed in life if he never married though. I have no aversion to remarrying (the marriage wasn’t the issue last time it was the person ) then recently another friend is expecting a baby in August and someone else we know in November. Again no desire expressed by him that he feels he’s missing out or broody .
I found out a while back that on nights outs with his mates (approx once a month) some of them do a few lines of coke . My ex used to do it and it caused a lot of issues. However he was also violent and abusive when drinking and doing drugs. My OH and I talked and I said as long as he never brought it into my house and never did it around me or my children or when I was with him then out with his mates while I don’t approve is his business and doesn’t effect me. I later found out after looking at his phone one of his friends deals it and that’s where they get it from and he has friends who ring him and he passes this guys number on as a favour. I gave him lots of opportunities to come clean and tell me and he didn’t. Until eventually I overheard a call and confronted him. We nearly broke up over it but he said he would stop being involved and he wanted a future with me and was sorry.
At the same time I saw on a holiday with some of his friends and family last year (booked before we were together) he messaged a girl on a dating app asking if she fancied meeting for a drink. Again I kept quiet and didn’t let on that I knew. I buried it and carried on.
I love and care for this man deeply. He lost him mum a couple of years ago and said I made him feel happy again and came into his life when everything was dark etc. We had both of us talked about buying somewhere together and one day marrying. He mentioned in the beginning of the year when we had been together a year the idea of us living together (he works , owns his own house but there’s now a tenant in and would have been with me so my children don’t have to move house and Schools etc ) I said sounds great let’s see in the summer about it but he started staying here a few times a week instead of just one to see how it felt being together that bit more.
In February we were going to meet two of his friends for lunch and a message came up on his in car system which he asked me to read to him. Under that was another message from an unsaved number sent at 5am that morning when he was staying at his dads house saying they only offer outcalls and not incalls. I know it was a massage parlour / escort agency from that and I confronted him. He said firsT of all a friend had done it and used his phone and I told him to have respect for me and admit it. He admitted he was drunk and doing drugs and he called the number but they were closed and could only come out and he didn’t have anyone go there as his dad brother and friends were there. He pleaded cried begged but did say maybe we would be better off ending it as I wouldn’t be able to trust him. I said maybe he should try counselling
He said he felt he was t good enough for me. That he’s always been hurt in relationships so throught that’s he’s bound to get screwed over again so what does it matter. He was so very upset and sorry for hurting me said I didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve me and doesn’t deserve another chance. I wanted to make it work so let it go as a blip and a stupid drunken mistake although I was very hurt and felt inferior and not good enough. In March he did the same thing again. I found out as I hold my hands up and went through his phone. It was all there. Searches to brothels and massage parlours. He also gave his phone number to a random girl on the street and was emailing / messaging her for a bit the same night and he stayed up all night on a huge coke binge at the same time. (This was in a flat his family own in another town where he went on a weekend away with friends. But he went one night before everyone else on his own and did all this ) when j saw him online late he said he was up late as he didn’t feel well. I was worried about him being ill and there on his own as he’d been unwell at mine a couple of days before. He told his friend in a message it was a lie to shut me up and he was in the flat and paranoid from the amount of coke that he locked himself in one of the room as he thought there was a person next door )
Again i confronted him as it was the disrespect to me in these messages which I couldn’t believe. Laughing with friends bout messaging other girls and that I fell for his story of being ill. He then started counselling and has so far had 7 sessions. I even offered to do couples counselling alongside so that we could get back to how we were and work on things and have the life together we talked about.
Yesterday I was at his house and when I stood up to leave I looked down and in a drawer next to his bed (which was open) there was a worn condom laying there. I picked it up and said Why is this in your room. We don’t use them and haven’t had sex in that room anyway. He said he never uses the drawer someone else must have left it there from what could be months or years ago and it’s nothing to do with him . I didn’t argue I didn’t shout or scream I just felt very tired and said this is your bedroom how could you not know it was there. He said I don’t use that drawer and other people have stayed over in this room when I haven’t been here and it could be one of them. His cousin and girlfriend. Friends and girlfriends etc. His head dropped and he said I am telling the truth but I know you don’t believe me . I said I don’t know what to think and if you found it at my house you would find it hard to believe that it was as years old and I didn’t know how it got there
I have never found any actual evidence he’s cheated. Just times he’s come close. He said he doesn’t know why he’s done it. Etc
Anyway today he’s ended it with me. Says he needs to be on his own
He can’t stand keep making me unhappy and he can’t leave his phone unattended near me anymore and I won’t ever trust him
All suggestions of counselling together he’s saying no to. Says I will see it’s for the best and he wants to stay friends and still be able to meet up and have a kick about with the kids or take them out sometimes but he’s got too many issues to work on and he needs to put himself first and deal with them. He’s also said one day he might want kids and that option is off limits and it’s been bothering him for a while now. That maybe his best friend having a kid has made him think and he can’t guarantee he won’t one day want one and it’s something I can’t do with him. The idea of a surrogate if needs be was dismissed. Says he feels he’s no control over his life and it’s moving at 100mph ! No idea how I haven’t pushed him to move in. Marriage was briefly discussed a few times and by him as it happens as there’s a certain church he would like the ceremony in if possible but I could chose the reception if I was happy with that. Talked about areas we would consider buying in one day and when would be tha best time to move and both agreed 2 years time due to my children’s schooling. So none of this is about to happen tomorrow or next week.
I am hurting so much. I feel sick. I can’t stop crying. I feel ill. The future we talked about the plans we discussed. And then he’s going to meet someone else and do it all with them instead. Yesterday everything was fine. He cuddled me said he missed me loved me. I saw that condom and came home and now we are over
I feel broken. So broken and have no one I can talk to. I work long hours in a stressful job with people at times I am unhappy around. I feel so sad and lost