Wider Family Fallout from Affair

[Nattyjackie]

My brother had an affair with OW for over a year. Has now left SIL and kids and has moved in with OW. I feel he had treated SIL appalingly.

I believe he has behaved really badly and told him so. I've also told him I will never have anything to do with OW as she was very much culpable in enabling his behaviour.

Our relationship is hanging by a thread tbh and I've made it clear she is not welcome at our house. Ever.

He is starting to ignore my boundaries and is trying to insert her into our lives, he has tried to bring her over to 'pop round'. I've put a stop to it as we are on lockdown for one (I've got kids)! I think they are being really selfish right now travelling round as they please. But also because she is simply not welcome.

I am so angry right now and need to vent.

Oh and I did the bell end speech to him but he kept telling me I was judging him and we just ended up shouting at each other.

I'd be the same as you OP. It takes 2 to have an affair and they are both to blame, but you have every right not to have her in your home.

In response to him saying you're judging me I would say 'Yes, I am'. I have no truck with the idea that being judgemental is something you should never do. Let him justify why you shouldn't judge.

Surely its up to you who you have in your home (after lockdown obv).If they are not welcome then thats that! Many people get into the "love of my life" kind of shit ,and want everyone to be happy for them ,.even though they have broken their wives/husband heart and wonder why they cant "live happily ever after!" They are both to blame I think, and your SIL has no doubt been left with the kiddies while he has a great time getting his rocks off!

My DM had an affair whin I was a kid and moved in with the OM ( along with myself and DB). That relationship lasted 40 years until the death of my Step-dad. He was one of the best people I ever met. Although I don’t agree with the behaviour I don’t think it means people are intrinsically evil or bad. As an adult I also understand some of the issues that had arise in the marriage of my DM and Dad which may have made things difficult for her. I’m not really sure when all this has happened with your DB ( perhaps I’ve missed that) but if it’s in the middle of lockdown then that’s completely shitty timing. I certainly wouldn’t be accepting any visitors into my home at the moment either but for contamination reasons. Other than that I would remain neutral - this has not happened to you or the wider family this has happened to your SIL. In a few months I would meet the “ OW” ( as people love to label”) and take a view about her myself. I might like her or not like her. I might like her while still not agreeing with how things happened. And as someone else stated your DB caused a role in the breakdown of her marriage too. None of this means you can’t support your SIL and children.

Divebar thanks for sharing your experience. I have met the OW previously, she tried to ingratiate herself into my life by acting like she was my best friend. Wanted to meet for lunch and generally gushing in emails. I just thought she was a bit pushy and full on until I found out what was really going on. She has done a lot of what I consider cruel things to my SIL, so she's not this amazing and misunderstood person. I do not want to be around her at all, she is untrustworthy, manipulative and what i consider to be toxic. So there's no happy ending where we all get together as one big family I'm afraid.

Also remaining neutral reads like just be nice, don't make a fuss and swallow down your moral compass at the expense of others. Sorry but no.

I think I'd feel the same as you in this situation. My SIL has been in my family for almost 20 years. That's so much history, I could never betray her by accepting an OW if my brother did this.

Sounds like this has been going on for a while then if you’ve already met her.

He was seeing her for a year before he split up with SIL. So yes it's been going on a while. My poor SIL

Oh and the real cherry on the top is that he is also active on Tinder at the moment! he usually travels abroad for business and has been going on tinder for hook ups. But since the lockdown and moving in with OW he's making out they are such a good couple. I suspect its because he has nowhere else to go so its forced his hand. But now he's trying to force her on us despite the fact he's been shagging around. It can't be that special. All this upset for nothing. Bloody angry

With you all the way OP. What a pair of CFs

He is gross your DB.

He would have been on Tinder for years whilst with your SIL - these types sex drive doesn’t suddenly go through the roof when they get older.

The OW is a red herring. Your DB is the c**t.

Know that.

She does sound vile - but will be someone else this time next year - and the common denominator is him.

Don’t excuse him by focusing on her - the stench is much closer.

The behaviour character traits you attribute to him his whole life tells you he is a wrong-un. Nasty manipulative, entitled, deluded narc - that no one has ever pulled up.

Be the first. See it. No need for rage - just detach and turn your back on him.

All of his toxic secrets and lies are now out in the open. Since this boil has been lanced his pus is flowing everywhere - he wants to normalise it by having you stand in it and give it your blessing.

Your brother shouldn't be visiting at the moment, not 'popping' anywhere with anybody.

You feel the way you do, that's fine. Make it clear that you want nothing to do with him or her and leave it at that. It's your SIL's relationship though and I'd be taking great care to ensure that my own hurt feelings don't encroach because you're actually a step removed OP, this isn't about your relationship with your brother. His marriage isn't your business but that said, you needn't embrace his new relationship either.

You can do as you choose but, tread carefully if you want a relationship with your brother in future. It's really easy to get caught up in drama, court it even, and before you know it, the family is fractured. There's no need for that. Set your boundaries and then be quiet. Support your SIL by all means but for everybody's sake (including your own), don't let the venting become a real life thing.

Hindsight is 20:20, you don't want to be looking back with regrets later on so keep your own situation clear of the mess and let the chips fall where they may. That's my advice anyway.

I'm in the same boat OP.
There are so many apologists for the affair partners on mumsnet it make me want to scream!

My Brother announced he was leaving his wife of 40years for his OW. No children in his marriage and my SIL always had a tense relationship with our family so not having her in our lives is a bonus in this mess.
I have my own issues with affairs and my emotions are raw in this area.
He has completely ignored boundaries - pushes her into our lives, ignored me asking for time. Brought her round to family events even when asked not to.
Thankfully their 'wedding' has been cancelled because of lockdown, so I don't have that minefield to navigate.

The OW has shown me she is not someone I want in my families life. She has put herself before her own kids, moved a man into their home they'd only met twice.
She is a slob, lazy and the world owes her type person.

It's very common for this to happen. My ex wanted his family to meet ow v v quickly, spend Xmas with them (and our kids) the first year after we broke up as, as a pp said, it 'normalises' and legitimises the affair relationship. They want everyone to instantly forget the unfortunate unpleasantness that the ex and kids represent and delight in their happiness. My ex in laws didn't and haven't cut me out though my ex has tried v v hard to alienate us, lied to them, made his mother in particular feel guilty for seeing me. I understand that they aren't going to cut off their son but i was extremely hurt that first Xmas.. I feel like they could have said him and the kids but not her just that first year. I think we fall over ourselves these days not to 'judge' but actually I think a little more judgement and speaking up to poor and hurtful behaviour wouldn't go amiss. I was and am v v grateful to the mutual friends who told him what they thought and years later are still not in contact with him. It didn't have to be like that if he'd at least acted with some tact and sensitivity but like the OPs brother, kept shoving the relationship in everyone's faces.
'blood is thicker than water' is just a phrase. Its not some set in stone law or truth. Loads of people on here are nc with relatives if the relationship is not healthy but equally I completely understand why the op feels she can't go nc with the brother.. My parents would devastated if my brother and I had a similar rift and it would be for their sake if I took similar stance to the op. Good on you op and I hope your SIL is appreciative of your support.

My older brother recently had an affair and left his DW. His DW isn't perfect, nobody is, but has been part of our family since I can remember, and has played (and continues to play) a huge part in my DC's lives.

My DB hasn't spoken to me since Christmas when I refused to let him bring OW to our home. Ex SIL and their DC were due to be here - I asked them how they felt and they didn't want OW there. I felt the DC's wishes should come first and asked DB to either visit alone or another time; he refused and we've had limited contact since. There are no cross words or dramas - I don't want to never have a relationship with my DB, I just don't see why his wants get to trump those of his DC (who are young enough for this to have had an enormous impact on them).

A awful as it is, my SIL has been a more important part of my life as an adult than my DB. She has been a friend, a great, great friend, and I won't shove her aside because he couldn't wait to fuck someone else. I don't blame the OW, I just have no interest in her or in getting to know her. She could be better than Santa, but my loyalty is to my friend, my SIL.

I really appreciate all of your perspectives, its really helping.

I've been reading the thread on people missing their affair partner during lockdown and its given me real insight into how the OW might have been thinking. Its tragic reading actually and so sad the crumbs that people accept and then weave into some romantic delusion.

I suspect that once my brother gets bored he'll be off cheating on her too. Back on Tinder. Then she'll be the one stuck at home wondering what he's up to.

I'm going to take the advice of standing firm on my boundaries but not turning it into a confrontational drama. Computer says No will be my mantra

Good for you @FudgeBrownie2019. He expected to take away his own kids' invitation to visit you at Christmas so he could bring the OW? Utterly selfish.

Ugh at your brother hanging out on Tinder, OP. Grim.

That’s a brilliant position FudgeBrownie2019 from the perspective of the DCs.

Well done you for saving those DCs from an excruciating encounter at Xmas. This urgent brushing it all under the carpet to make the wrong-doers comfortable at the expense of those who have been hurt is not right.

They need to respect any time or distance others need to come to terms with the situation - how ever long it takes.

In your situation - I would just say you need some space for now.

Withdraw and detach - circle the wagons - don’t get drawn into the drama. It’s a long game.

This is a big bomb that has gone off in your family and there will be many innocent people picking out shrapnel for some time.

He needs to let people process and heal.

If you cannot accept OW you will lose your brother. Sorry but that's the harsh reality.

He's in love with her.

If he has to choose you know what it will be. How does that make you feel?

If that's his choice then that is his choice.

I don't buy that he's in love with her though, not if he is still sleeping around on Tinder. This isn't a case of star crossed lovers, which makes it worse in my mind.

I'd rather have peace of mind than deal with this toxic BS. Life is too short.

In my case I'm only tolerating any of it for my mum.

PiscesLady I don't believe that but, if it were true then by the same token, if he's not prepared to accept his sister's feelings over his actions then he will lose his sister.

He is the one who has changed the status quo, not the OP. He doesn't get to tell his family how they should feel or behave - or that they must accept this or any new partner. That's not his call.

Some of these replies are fascinating. The behaviour people will swallow down because 'we're family' is bewildering. I wonder if part of it is because as women from an early age we are told to 'be nice', be unconditionally supportive and feel guilty if we cause any sort of upset. It's interesting that the blame for future family dischord is subtly shifted towards my door because I've put boundaries in place.

Interesting.