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Original poster

Has anyone MADE themselves choose a safe option man after a series of disastrous relationships?

54 replies

KateCanDo · 01/05/2020 18:34

Just that really.

I briefly dated a safe man - good sex, job, conversation. No drama just safety. I lost interest because in honestly I thrive from highs and lows and I didn’t have that oh my god spark. No nerves before I met him etc

He’s recently started up conversation and asked me out again. Since we last dated two years ago I have had car crashes of relationships. Am I missing a trick here?

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 01/05/2020 18:35

Yes I married a man like this but it backfired a bit as he left me last year!

LostandLockeddown · 01/05/2020 18:36

Don't think there's any such thing as a safe option. There's men you're not attracted to. That wouldn't be right for either of you though? Thriving on drama doesn't sound healthy. Think you need to reflect on why you think that's what you want.

Original poster
KateCanDo · 01/05/2020 18:41

What I want is to be settled and he certainly offered that in abundance.

It’s taken me many disastrous relationships in between to realise it though. I wasn’t wildly attracted to him but it felt happy and safe and homely. All my other relationships felt unsafe and filled with drama. I think I made wrong choices.

OP posts:
DisneyMillie · 01/05/2020 19:09

Yes, after several disastrous relationships and a rollercoaster bad marriage I choose a man everyone told me was safe (had never cheated, good job, kind etc) because I wanted security. Then fell totally in love. Then he cheated just when I needed him most.

There’s no such thing as a safe man - pick one you don’t know is actively unsafe but don’t go in just for safety as nothing is ever guaranteed - cynical though it sounds I think everyone is capable of letting you down if the wrong circumstances add up.

Choose a man with qualities you want in a long term partnership and go from there

deepwatersolo · 01/05/2020 19:29

I lost interest because in honestly I thrive from highs and lows

Frankly, this sounds like you have attachment issues. Maybe you should get yourself some therapy to figure out, why you are addicted to all the drama. Early childhood can fuck people up in that regard. And then, once you understand yourself better, you can make an informed, self-aware choice about your future.

Original poster
KateCanDo · 01/05/2020 19:38

I don’t know why I pushed this one away. I felt overwhelmed by how keen he was to make things feel safe. It was an odd feeling. Since then though I’ve just met men who are unstable or don’t want commitment or who like uncertainty

OP posts:
NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/05/2020 19:40

Frankly, this sounds like you have attachment issues. Maybe you should get yourself some therapy to figure out, why you are addicted to all the drama. Early childhood can fuck people up in that regard. And then, once you understand yourself better, you can make an informed, self-aware choice about your future.

Do you really need therapy because you're addicted to the drama? Hmm I have (what I think many people may term) attachment issues and I can't deny loving a bit of drama. I don't need 'therapy' in any shape or form. I need an exciting guy who knows when his job's done and it's time to fuck off so that I can go down the footie/to the gym, or whatever. When lockdown's over, I shall have a bloody good look Grin

TwistyHair · 01/05/2020 19:41

Yeah I think you need to look into your desire for drama in relationships. How does it serve you? And then that’ll hopefully help you make future decisions about relationships.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 01/05/2020 19:44

Been there , done that got the tshirt, then been there several times again because I'm a slow learner. I was all kinds of fucked up really and I didn't know what to do with a "good" man.

Met the good man, did my best to fuck it up (even left him once in a horrible way) but he was stubborn(daft?!) enough to stick around.
We're still together 11 years later , no regrets and I can't be arsed with any type of drama anymore.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/05/2020 19:46

I don't think it's about him - it's about you. Why do you crave the highs and lows?

DH is the exact opposite of everyone I dated before him. He's calm and stable and consistent and honest and kind. That might make him sound deathly dull yet it's anything but. No idea why; it just works. I think maybe I'd reached the point where I was done with the highs and lows but until you reach that point there's no point looking for something you know isn't there. It's unfair to him if you really don't feel it.

Instamaticgreenery · 01/05/2020 19:49

I kind of agree there’s no such thing as a safe option man.

I chose one once. He was nice, we didn’t fall out, he was kind, he wasn’t controlling or abusive in any way, no arguments. But in the end we just weren’t suited. At all. So we didn’t work out. And that was still sad in its own way.

Aerial2020 · 01/05/2020 19:57

Hasn't there already been a thread on this?

maudspellbody · 01/05/2020 19:57

I think 'safe' is another way of saying you aren't properly in love with them. When you are properly in love you are vulnerable as fuck.

There are, of course, extremes and some men are 'safer' to be with than others because they seem more trustworthy. Often - to me - 'safe' means they are more into you than you are to them and that's not good for either of you really.

You can have passion and excitement with someone who is also trustworthy and stable if they are right for you.

yestonodressyet · 01/05/2020 19:59

Yes I'm a way, he completely understands me sees straight through any pretence and makes me laugh everyday, thoroughly lovely husband and father but he never gave me butterflies or drama. I've been with one of those and if I'm honest 8 yrs later I'm still not over him and now married snd 2 kids later I don't think I ever will be, he still has the power to make my stomach flip in a good way but I have no doubt that my husband and I have a foundation that will last as it feels based on friendship as well as love and the drama guy was just that, an adrenaline every time

deepwatersolo · 01/05/2020 20:01

Do you really need therapy...

No, if you then don't moan about always ending up with the wrong men and whatnot, no, then obviously, therapy isn't necessary. Therapy generally is only indicated, when people 'suffer' because of their choices, torpedoing their own happyness.

But, if what you clearly want is 'settling down' with a guy, and then the only fault you find in some candidate is that there isn't as much drama as with the guys you are attrackted to, who are all not 'settling down' material, as OP described, then, obviously, your subconscious choices torpedo your goals, and therapy can help break that cycle.

lovebug9 · 01/05/2020 20:08

Yes! My biggest regret to date.

I settled for “mr nice guy”seemingly loving, romantic, caring but very needy. This was after getting out of a very toxic high and low relationship of 4 years. I was never in love with him like I’ve been in love before but thought I was safe with him, no real connection or spark and didn’t particularly enjoy his company but thought it was just because I was used to so much drama.

I feel pregnant and he cheated! My advice never pick the ‘safe’ option!! Now I have to co parent with someone I don’t even like or have anything in common with for the next 18 years.

Maybe you just need to meet someone who excites you without all of the drama? I wish I had done the same :(

Msloverlover · 01/05/2020 20:25

I did and he was lovely and I still feel bad. We were in a very long distance relationship with the end goal of me moving back to his home country where we had met. Deep down I think I knew I didn’t want to though and instead of being a grown up and having that conversation, I decided to sleep with someone else. I finished with him the next day. Never told him what I’d done (wish I had now). The fling was a wildly unsuitable younger man who was very much in the vein of the men I had been trying to move away from with safe man. 7 years down the line, and a two year old daughter later, me and wildly unsuitable man are still together and very happy. Age has tamed him but that spark that caught me is still there. Life is a funny old thing.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/05/2020 20:26

But, if what you clearly want is 'settling down' with a guy, and then the only fault you find in some candidate is that there isn't as much drama as with the guys you are attrackted to, who are all not 'settling down' material, as OP described, then, obviously, your subconscious choices torpedo your goals, and therapy can help break that cycle.

Cool. I'll spend the therapy money on something else Smile

NoMoreDickheads · 01/05/2020 20:30

I think it'd be a kind of rebound relationship, as it's a reaction to previous relationships. Eventually you'd have enough and want that passion again.

Youcould decide not to put up with too much drama in future relationships though- look for someone you have that spark with but ditch if there are too many arguments, lack of commitment or whatever you've experienced in the past.

Dery · 01/05/2020 20:30

“I lost interest because in honestly I thrive from highs and lows”

Depending on what’s causing the highs and lows, you might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood helpful.

Thankssomuch · 01/05/2020 20:30

Yes I married a man on that basis OP. Stupid move. I left him for a much more risky man who I was crazy about - thirteen years and two children later we’re still together, married, still crazy about him. I think you’ve got to be nuts about someone and dive in, not play it safe. But what do I know.

deepwatersolo · 01/05/2020 20:31

Cool. I'll spend the therapy money on something else.

You should. Going to therapy without having issues would be quite illogical.

Womanlywiles · 01/05/2020 20:32

You must have sexual attraction for a long term marriage but at the same time you GROW in love you don't FALL in love. Love is a choice it doesn't just "happen". That way you are not acknowledging that you chose who to be with. Perhaps what is happening is you are maturing emotionally and understanding that danger and risk are not going to give you the trust level necessary for building a life with someone. Do you actually want safety and security? Or do you somehow think these qualities aren't sexy and desirable? Safety doesn't have to equal = boring.

something2say · 01/05/2020 20:37

See I read this differently...

I'm currently engaged to and living with my partner. I've not lived with anyone in years. I can see his faults now and also my own

Miss Independent, Miss This Is My Space etc.

So as we negotiate these early months of living together, I can see his faults more clearly, but also my own, and the combination was one I needed to work through.

Do I need to change?
If he never changes, can I live with it?

Ultimately the answer has been yes to both. But because like many I've tried a few relationships out and I can see more clearly as a result.

My guy is hard working, equal, even tempered, generous, playful, sweet and quiet. He's great at days out and weekends away. He watches a lot of TV and eats too much meat, but I shut myself away and play guitar for hours. Hes great at sex and really hunky and many times I look at him and think, he isn't perfect but he's a good person. If anything it's me, with my abusive childhood and tendency to be overly independent (selfish even) that has to change.

In conclusion I don't see myself as settling, more taking an open eyed choice that, if things carry on like this, i will be happy. I will also grow and heal that bit more, and learn to be part of a functional couple.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 01/05/2020 20:40

Yes. Didn’t end well. I had a big, mad love story with a psycho so made myself pick a very safe man. I didn’t love him and whilst I liked him and it worked well (and went on for years) it was very boring, so when I met someone who I fell truly, madly, deeply for I left. I was very lucky that was truly, madly, deeply man was decent and good and (touch wood) we have a very happy marriage. I can see how it could have all been very terrible (and have friends who had the same and it was) so count my blessings and am very grateful. I think if proves however that you can’t make yourself love someone just because they’re “safe”.