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Original poster

Has anyone MADE themselves choose a safe option man after a series of disastrous relationships?

54 replies

KateCanDo · 01/05/2020 18:34

Just that really.

I briefly dated a safe man - good sex, job, conversation. No drama just safety. I lost interest because in honestly I thrive from highs and lows and I didn’t have that oh my god spark. No nerves before I met him etc

He’s recently started up conversation and asked me out again. Since we last dated two years ago I have had car crashes of relationships. Am I missing a trick here?

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 01/05/2020 20:45

Well yes. But because I fell in love with him.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/05/2020 20:58

Nope - I'm staying single - much better!!!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/05/2020 22:45

Spend the money you would have spent o. Going on dates ona therapist instead OP

Some thinking time is needed here ....

Raidblunner · 01/05/2020 23:00

I wonder if somewhere within this comes the saying 'Nice guys finish last' or is it the other way around in that after a string of 'Bad boys' I'll try something else.
Amazing how many times one would here this familiar tale whilst internet dating. Kind of unfortunate as by the time the realisation comes around the 'safe boring men' are usually taken.

LesleysChestnutBob · 01/05/2020 23:12

I chose a "safe" man with a stable job, respectful, kind, generous, gentle, funny, patient, clever, sarcastic, affectionate. He's a great kisser and makes me feel safe and loved where no other relationships had done that before. He's got his faults and I've got mine, but I wouldn't change him for the world.

There are more exciting men out there for sure, but him and I have a proper equal, loving relationship and I couldn't love him anymore if I tried. It's not settling to choose someone you can build a good life with

Merlotmum85 · 01/05/2020 23:12

I think when you come to the realisation that you don't want all the drama in a relationship, that's when you are finally ready for one.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 01/05/2020 23:15

I think a lot of people due to past experiences don't really know what love and passion are. Quite often in posts like these it seems to be associated with drama and highs and lows.

The heart jumping out of your chest feeling they equate with passion ? A lot of the time it's fear,anxiety and waiting for the other shoes to drop.

The drama and excitement? Signs of a significant imbalance at best and a toxic environment at worst?

The highs and lows? That's addiction , not love.

Like I said,been there..done that.

Aloe6 · 01/05/2020 23:20

I agree Princess

I’d pick steady and safe over the highs and lows of a toxic relationship any day. Nerves/ butterflies in stomach feelings can be mistaken as excitement.

LesleysChestnutBob · 01/05/2020 23:26

I think it's difficult to be on a relationship with a good man when you've never had that before. Everything is new, he reacts to things with patience and kindness - things you ask for don't get an OTT reaction. You get treated as an equal. I certainly found that really hard to come to terms with. Would have been much easier to slip back into an unfulfilling relationship with an arse hole than to carry on with the good egg.

NoMoreDickheads · 01/05/2020 23:31

I've rarely had a highs and lows/drama relationship. Maybe the latest dickhead, but that was mainly a friendship with an unsupportive manipulative 'frenemy.'

A 'highs and lows' thing I like to think I would end.

Pick someone you're attracted to who treats you well and makes you feel good. That's all it boils down to really, isn't it? That spark, but also that decency. It's quite hard to find really, but most of us manage it in the end.

Having said all that, it's all overrated. Smile

SliAnCroix · 01/05/2020 23:38

Yeh, a few years ago. I was aware there wasn't much any chemistry but I thought I liked him. He dumped me. But luckily it had hardly got off the ground.

I'm with somebody now, the feelings are much stronger. I never really felt like I cared with that guy who I thought was ''safe''. I ended up feeling very annoyed with myself that I'd let him come to my house and I'd cooked dinner for him. My children had seen him. Not a big deal. He wasn't another in a long line. But still, it annoyed me irrationally that my ''safe'' choice had been the one I told my mother about, told my kids about.......... invited in to my house, cooked for - and he dumped me.

Tbh after 48 hours I was over it. I have never got over any break up SO quickly. So the only mistake was that it happened at all.

SliAnCroix · 01/05/2020 23:51

op, listen to Brianna McWilliams on youtube. I learnt a lot listening to her clips.

I think my parents 'just weren't that in to me' so I only feel what I perceive to be romance when there is UNcertainty. As soon as somebody decides they like me, I felt stifled. I've managed to change to a degree.

EngagedAgain · 02/05/2020 00:22

As some of you have said the safe option man isn't always the safe option! Perhaps there's a middle ground? I've only had experience of the opposite to safe types, I always thought of them as boring. I briefly dated three men (no sex involved) before my first long term relationship, then onto the second long term. I often thought about the other three I cast aside, and came to the conclusion safe would be better than abusive, and how I regretted being so fickle.

HolyWells · 02/05/2020 07:45

The problem with labelling someone ‘Safe Man’ is that he didn’t get the memo — he doesn’t realise that you’re ‘settling’ for someone you consider unexciting but a safe bet, rather than your actual preference for heavily-tattooed, married minor drug dealers you end up throwing glasses at in pub fights. ‘Safe Man’ hasn’t signed a binding contract to be honest, predictable, reliable etc forever. He can be boring and still impregnate his PA.

catfeets · 02/05/2020 08:18

I chose a 'safe' option to marry - he knew I'd settled and was happy to live like that. But things got steadily worse over the years. One day he attacked me out of the blue so we ended it.
I thought I was just bored of a safe and uninteresting relationship but the next few relationships I had were so drama filled that I ended up with another 'safe' option. My previous relationship was constant drama and I just couldn't cope with it any longer.
I feel so much better to be drama free now.
I suppose the difference is that my DP isn't JUST a safe option, he's the right option.

maa1992 · 02/05/2020 08:21

I didn't choose a safe man over "bad boy" it just so happens that I met my husband and he is a safe man.

Great sex, great job, makes me laugh. He's gorgeous. He just isn't an asshole and actually respects women. He doesn't get jealous, doesn't want to go out all that much or be spontaneous. Sometimes I wish he'd maybe show a little jealousy or a little more of a thrill but I love him and I could never get bored because he makes me laugh so much and we have a lot in common.

PicsInRed · 02/05/2020 08:27

‘Safe Man’ hasn’t signed a binding contract to be honest, predictable, reliable etc forever. He can be boring and still impregnate his PA.

This. Boring and/or seemingly morally good men can turn out to be horrific abusers (mine certainly did) and if anything it is then MORE difficult to get away because everyone thinks what a fab guy they are and that you must be the problem and the "nice guys will certainly work at ensuring people think that of you.

When you take up with a "nice guy" rescuer right after an abusive relationship or other emergency that you need "rescuing" from, there is a very high risk that he will deliver more of the same and has targeted you for your vulnerability, rather than in spite of it.

I've come to realise that its best to date a normal human man, rather than one of those "lovely" amazing super kind seeming ones - who could very likely be putting an act on for the public and venting their rage behind closed doors.

EngagedAgain · 02/05/2020 08:58

PicsInRed, spot on! Couldn't have described my (hopefully stbx) OH better. And to the pp, who said it's about finding the 'right' one. Also, safe doesn't necessarily mean boring though does it?

Tiny2018 · 02/05/2020 15:25

about four years ago, after ending my toxic relationship with my ex for the hundredth time, I met a lovely man at work. We were only together for a few months, but we really clicked. He had a few minor issues of his own, but was otherwise respectful, loving and kind and really made me laugh. I stupidly went back to the ex as I still loved him and was clearly hooked on the addictive highs and lows of our relationship. I thought about the nice guy often though, and messaged on New Years Eve to apologise, as he didn't deserve how I treated him.
Fast forward to last year and I finally got rid of the ex for good and continue to think about nice guy. It seems I just wasn't ready to make the break from the dram a at the time, now I feel I have completely outgrown it and just want a nice, normal relationship and life.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 02/05/2020 17:25

Why does safe equate boring in some people eyes?

Safe means knowing where you stand, being treated as an equal, having full input over what happens etc.

The excitement and drama some people seem to talk about is abuse,control,jealousy,toxicity etc.

Safe has nothing to do with high morals and boring .

Thankssomuch · 03/05/2020 17:17

I take your point princess but I don’t see it as so blacK and white as that. A relationship that offers emotional stability is lovely but I think I also like to be kept on my toes a little bit - surprised by things, inspired to think differently sometimes, challenged a bit.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 03/05/2020 17:27

surprised by things, inspired to think differently sometimes, challenged a bit

Why isn't that safe?
Or why can't "safe" men do that?

Again we're going back to safe being boring, lacking inspiration,passion etc.

EngagedAgain · 03/05/2020 17:35

The excitement and drama some people seem to talk about is abuse, control, jealousy, toxicity etc.

Yes it probably does usually equate to that. As I said safe doesn't always mean boring, the same can apply with someone who is exciting, but not necessarily abusive.

I think my abusive relationship first came about mainly by being one of these 'rescuer' types, although unfortunately I didn't realise it at the time.

SliAnCroix · 04/05/2020 00:10

also, there's something about the word 'safe' to describe a man' that seems to suggest a FAKE nice type of man rather than a man who is just genuinely decent at his core and so therefore not looking for a a reward for being fake nice. Or is that just what I infer from 'safe'. My 'safe' man wasn't decent. He just wasn't BRAVE. I was braver in the end.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 04/05/2020 00:26

Maybe the thought process should be changed to a safe relationship, rather than a safe man?