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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant after being together 4 months

58 replies

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 15:55

Just that really. I've just found out I'm pregnant. I have the copper coil in. I have children from a previous relationship, so does my boyfriend. We have discussed kids and I've always been adamant I don't want more, hence the coil. He said he's not bothered. I haven't told him yet, I need to get my head around it and figure out what it is I want to do about it, but thinking I should just tell him. I'm scared. Things are going amazing between us I feel like this might ruin things. I don't know him well enough to be able to guesse his reaction. I'm completely torn up I don't know what to do.

Have spoke to a dr, they want me to go in in a couple days and see if they can remove the coil. Said to look out for symptoms of eptopic. I'm all over the place I need advice I don't even know how to tell him. We moved in together temporarily during lockdown but a week ago he went home as he had a family emergency so not sure when I'll see him face to face next.

OP posts:

Rosebel · 01/05/2020 16:05

Its difficult. I got pregnant when we'd only been together for 5 weeks. We still are together 15 years later.
Slightly different situation as neither of us had children but was still scared of telling him.
You don't need to rush in to telling him. Give yourself some time to consider what you want. If you decide you want to go ahead then is the time to talk your partner. Is he coming back to live with you?

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 16:13

Forgot to say I name changed for this, I've been on mumsnet for a long time. We've got 5 children between us already. The plan was he would probably not come back until some restrictions of lockdown are lifted. If I am going to tell him I will ask him to come back as I can't do that over the phone. Im trying to wait a few days to give me some chance to get my head sprung but myself but all I can think of is his reaction. I'm so anxious.

OP posts:

noyoucannotcomein · 01/05/2020 16:34

Take a few days to decide what you want and then tell him. No immediate rush. Hopefully he will be supportive of whatever you decide.

Aside from that, don't move him back in. It's far too soon to have done that already when you both have children to consider.

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 16:59

We only moved in as the alternative was to not see each other for god knows how long and we didn't want that. Kids are fine with it and are spending half the week with their other parent. We were not planning on making it permanent.

OP posts:

PixiKitKat · 01/05/2020 17:06

Honestly, id go for a termination. 4 months is so soon and you have 5 kids between you already that another kid to the mix is going to be even more stress and as the relationship is so new it is less likely to last.

Toilenstripes · 01/05/2020 17:10

I agree with Pixi. You don’t even know him. It seems terribly unfair to your other children to make a decision that will mean a short term boyfriend becomes a permanent part of their lives.

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 17:24

I think I would like to have a termination, but I'm just not sure I could do it and not tell him. I dont know wether to just go ahead and terminate and keep it to myself, but I just don't know if I can. On the other hand, telling him is a risk. He might say he wants to go ahead, which I don't think I should, a termination might tear us apart. I'm not naive I know we haven't been together long but we are incredibly happy together, we get on so well and love each other very much. We've both been married before. I'm not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 01/05/2020 17:48

You might as well see how it goes with having the coil removed, whether you stay pregnant after that or if it's ectopic. I'd find out what I'm dealing with before the discussion about it

Deadposhtory · 01/05/2020 17:52

I'd wait until you get the coil removed and go from there. Four weeks is nothing, you don't even know him!

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 18:02

I want to wait till it is removed but it's eating me up knowing and him not. I know that's what I should do, like you say, I need to know what I'm dealing with.

4 months is not nothing. We are in love and care for each other a lot. I'm not doubting that this might break us (wether I abort or not) I don't know if we will get through it as we dont know each other well enough. But saying it's nothing is patronising and uncalled for.

OP posts:

PixiKitKat · 01/05/2020 18:30

I would tell him as to keep this secret will likely eat you up inside but remember, what you want comes first! If you decide to have a termination that is your right. If your relationship doesn't survive that then it wasn't meant to be.

EightNineTen · 01/05/2020 18:41

You need to tell him. Then get the coil sorted. Then take things from there.

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 18:53

@PixiKitKat yes you are right. Thank you

OP posts:

Instamaticgreenery · 01/05/2020 19:43

Definitely tell him. If your relationship is strong then you’ll be fine whatever happens.

I got pregnant almost straight away when I met my ex and told him, we had a termination. We stayed together for many years and later had two children together. (He then cheated which ended us but that has nothing to do with my pregnancy at the beginning of the relationship story!) it wasn’t an ideal way to start a relationship by far but it did make us stronger at the beginning I think.

Good luck x

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 19:51

Thank you @Instamaticgreenery for sharing that.

I'm going tell him tomorrow. I feel physically sick with worry

OP posts:

Healthyandhappy · 01/05/2020 19:55

You wonr go to term copper coil is used when to late for pill. Fetus will die when remove coil so wouldn't worry.

Healthyandhappy · 01/05/2020 19:58

However I'd tell him. I years ago got pregnant with my husband found out was so not happy told him followed by not keeping it we had 1 child already. He wanted it I didnt thankfully I miscarried we had a baby year after. When it suited me

CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 20:02

You don't need to do it without telling him. It's your decision. If he gives you a hard time then he's clearly not the man for you and it's good that you know that now.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 01/05/2020 20:07

4mths and you got him and his kids living with you before lockdown so at around the 3mth mark. God I feel for your DC. You throw some bloke and his kids into there home you barely know because you didnt want to be apart and are now pregnant. Go and get the coil out and check its not an ectopic... and maybe focus on the kids you already have

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 01/05/2020 20:12

Get the coil out, see if it comes out that way. If not then I'd terminate 100% and focus on my DC. Not some random fetus. Sorry this had happened OP Unplanned pregnancies are shit.

Pinkybutterfly · 01/05/2020 20:17

I'm sorry you are going through this... If it was me... I would tell him, he is the father and should at least know. If this ruins the relationship he was not for you... How would you cope with an abortion? Big hugs

Pinkbunny2811 · 01/05/2020 20:24

If it were me, I'd go get coil out and see what's what and then tell him. I assume coil would come out within the next couple of days? Good luck whatever you decide

ukgift2016 · 01/05/2020 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 20:31

@ukgift2016

I do have a job. I work full time. I didn't rush into getting pregnant. I have the coil fitted!

Thank you to those who have been supportive I'm going to leave this thread now as some people are just nasty it's not helping me at all.

OP posts:

BackAwayFatty · 01/05/2020 23:01

@ukgift16 horrible reply & so judgemental. The assumption that no job/short relationship means a person is worthless is disgusting.

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