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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant after being together 4 months

58 replies

ohgodhelpme · 01/05/2020 15:55

Just that really. I've just found out I'm pregnant. I have the copper coil in. I have children from a previous relationship, so does my boyfriend. We have discussed kids and I've always been adamant I don't want more, hence the coil. He said he's not bothered. I haven't told him yet, I need to get my head around it and figure out what it is I want to do about it, but thinking I should just tell him. I'm scared. Things are going amazing between us I feel like this might ruin things. I don't know him well enough to be able to guesse his reaction. I'm completely torn up I don't know what to do.

Have spoke to a dr, they want me to go in in a couple days and see if they can remove the coil. Said to look out for symptoms of eptopic. I'm all over the place I need advice I don't even know how to tell him. We moved in together temporarily during lockdown but a week ago he went home as he had a family emergency so not sure when I'll see him face to face next.

OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 01/05/2020 23:03

@ohgodhelpme I don't have the answers for you. What I can say is I am not judgemental & believe in pro choice. I've had a miscarriage & would not have wanted to go through that process alone. Confide in your partner. Another poster summed it up well ... if you share & the relationship doesn't work out then it's not meant to be. Good luck Smile

PumpkinP · 01/05/2020 23:11

Just on the flip side I got pregnant very early on with someone but very different as no kids involved beforehand, he was lovely until I had the baby then became extremely abusive. 4 months in you don’t know him at all. Can’t believe he’s living with you and your children already tbh

MMmomDD · 02/05/2020 00:30

If you are sure you don’t want to keep the baby - I’d not be telling him.
It’s too early for any relationship to be dealing with a stress like that.

RantyAnty · 02/05/2020 06:42

I wouldn't worry about telling him right now.
I'd get the coil removed and the ectopic check. You could also ask about getting a tubal ligation and see what is involved. Had one years ago and it was great.

Whaddyathinkofthis · 02/05/2020 06:58

I had a termination years ago. We were using contraception; it was just one of those things. I didn't tell him because I knew I as going to terminate and I didn't want him to go through the mental anguish of it if it wasn't what he wanted- nor any unpleasantness generally.

It's a medical procedure - you're not obliged to tell him.

And, I agree, 4 months is nothing. You're only seeing the very best of him at the moment. He could be anyone.

Ohnoherewego62 · 02/05/2020 07:02

@Healthyandhappy are you always so cold??
@ukgift2016- what's it to you what the OP does or how many children she has?

Op, hoping you find a gentle way to tell him and to keep it to straight talking ie what you plan to do and logistics. I'm sorry your contraception failed you. You must be so worried!

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 02/05/2020 07:07

I kind of agree with @sunflowersandtulips50.

Accidents can and do happen in relation to pregnancy but my mind boggles at you moving this guy in with your children after only 3 months. He literally could be anyone !

Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 07:49

I didn't ask advice on if temporarily living together during lockdown was the right thing to do, I don't even know if it was, my kids are older and we're fine with it and still are, they spend a lot of time at their dads too. His children are living with their mum. I knew him before we got together he was never a stranger.

I don't know what to do for the best. A part of me wants to have an abortion and not tell him. But I'm not sure I can do that behind his back. I want to tell him but I'm scared. It's eating me up inside though I'm worried sick about it all, really struggling.

OP posts:
PatricksRum · 02/05/2020 07:54

I'm very shocked that the OP has started a thread and strangers have told her to terminate before she's even mentioned it!
Like pp says she got pregnant quickly and they're still together now. People wait years to conceive and still end up breaking up.
I agree with pp get the coil removed first to see what you're facing but don't feel pushed either way.

catfeets · 02/05/2020 07:59

I'd wait until you deal with the coil. But I think you should tell him before you do terminate (if that's what you wish to do) as it could be harder on you than expected.
I had a termination early in my relationship and really needed my DP there with me for support.

SunShine682 · 02/05/2020 08:08

What would you do OP if he said he wanted to keep it?

Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 08:14

@SunShine682 that's the thing I don't know. I'd think about it. This is why I need to tell him, as the what ifs are driving me mad. I never thought I'd get pregnant, it wasn't something I thought about I always said from the start of our relationship I was done having children. He will be shocked I know that much.

OP posts:
Shutupyoutart · 02/05/2020 08:39

Sorry op Some posters have been very judgemental. Sometimes accidents do happen. I got pregnant very early in my relationship with my now husband I decided I wanted to keep the baby I told him and he supported me. We've now been together for 10years. Only the op knows her partner and her family Dynamics it's not for others to speculate if she's doing the right thing moving him in or not she didn't ask advice on that. Op you've had a shock I would give yourself a couple of days to process it and decide what you want to do and then tell him whatever you decide to do you will need his support. Best of luck to you hope all works out for you.x

ScarletFever · 02/05/2020 08:48

4 months is not nothing. We are in love and care for each other a lot.

4 months is still honeymoon period.

That said, I'm not judging you. Firstly you need to work out if you want another child at all. Personally from what you are saying, you dont.

You need to go to the drs and make sure you are safe health wise.

Then you can think about him, its harsh, but he is the least important, after you, and your existing children.

Work out your fears about telling him, what exactly worries you?

Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 09:47

If I'm being totally honest, I don't want another child. My worries about telling him are that he will blame me, or that he will want to go ahead with it. He's a good man, I'm probably not giving him enough credit. I have been up all night worrying and I feel sick I'm shaking I can't concentrate on anything else so I'm going to tell him later. I can't not tell him.

OP posts:
Whaddyathinkofthis · 02/05/2020 10:21

But I'm not sure I can do that behind his back

My worries about telling him are that he will blame me, or that he will want to go ahead with it.

A) it's your decision

B) youbare unable to predict his response precisely because you don't know him very well.

C) it's a medical procedure. Would you feel you were keeping something from him if you went to get your in growing toenail sorted? Or have a biopsy? No. Because it's your body and he doesn't have any rights or control over it.

You don't want another baby, what is the point in telling him?

Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 10:44

I don't think I could carry on a normally relationship with him while he didn't know.

OP posts:
changemynamechangemynamewhen · 02/05/2020 10:44

A man you have known for many years has no control over whether you carry give birth to and raise another human
Please don't let a man you barely know have that power over the life of you your existing children and a potentially new child

PumpkinP · 02/05/2020 10:46

Why do people always drip feed on these threads literally every time someone gets criticised for moving a man in quickly with their kids they always claim after that they've known him a long time beforehand Confused literally so predictable. . I don't know him well enough to be able to guesse his reaction I don't know if we will get through it as we dont know each other well enough. Yet known him ages?Confused

CodenameVillanelle · 02/05/2020 10:47

I'm very shocked that the OP has started a thread and strangers have told her to terminate before she's even mentioned it!

She said in her OP that she's adamant she doesn't want more children

CodenameVillanelle · 02/05/2020 10:49

My worries about telling him are that he will blame me, or that he will want to go ahead with it. He's a good man

If he blames you then he's not a good man. If he wants to go ahead with it then he's not the man for you.

PatricksRum · 02/05/2020 11:04

She said in her OP that she's adamant she doesn't want more children

Not doesn't want any more. She didn't want any at the time of discussion.
Nowhere did OP mention abortion.

OP, it's your decision but I think you should tell him before carrying out that decision if you want the relationship to survive.

Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 11:05

I've known him a a while yes, but not on a romantic level. There is a big difference! I knew of him for a while so knew he was a good person, but I don't see how That means I'd know what his reaction would be to a pregnancy 4 months in!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohgodhelpme · 02/05/2020 11:07

@PatricksRum that's what I'm thinking. I will tell him today when all the kids are at their dads. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
PatricksRum · 02/05/2020 11:18

Hope it goes well OP.
You'll feel better for it. Then you can visit the doctors and make your decision. And hopefully he will be there to support you if you both have grown up dc. If he isn't then it's good you found out now.

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