I’ve messed up really bad...

[Mollyolly123]

I’ve been with my DP for around 7 years. Not married and have no kids currently. Our relationship was been great for the majority of that time until he got a new job in recruitment and he would go out all the time during the week nights, coming home late, never keeping promises, phone being switched off and then rolls in at like 4am drunk out of his head. This really upset me and I spent almost every week in tears to my friends thinking this is not what I want. He would always apologise the next day and we would move on. Overall our relationship was still good but this always made me have doubts in the back of my mind what he was up to as there were several times where he wouldn’t let me know what he was doing and just didn’t come home till the early hours and this happened for a over a year.

We then decided to move house, outside of the city. Our relationship seemed to go downhill. He had started his own company now and was working all hours of the day. He would be on his phone all the time day and night and we weren’t intimate anymore. It felt like we were just best friends living together and we had lost our spark. We had both always said we would be together forever and spoken about marriage etc but I just felt alongside him being so work focused, he always preferred going out getting pissed than coming home and spending time with me and I just felt neglected and unwanted by him. We barely spoke, we would sit in the living room at night and not speak a word to each other and be so disconnected. It just wasn’t the same anymore, but I couldn’t face leaving him as we had our whole lives together so I decided to just see it things would get better. I tried to keep myself occupied with friends and the gym and kind of just became numb to the fact we weren’t intimate or connecting the same as we used to.

Then this is where it all went wrong, I fucked up massively. I had just gotten a new job, and at work had gotten close to the guy I sat next to every day as we spoke all the time. It slowly progressed to us messaging each other out side of work and months later we went out a work night out where I ended up back at his house and we ended up sleeping together. After this it was really awkward in work, I didn’t really know what to do. I felt terrible. Then the guy from work asked if we could meet up to talk, I agreed because I needed to speak to someone about what happened and of course nobody else knew. We went to meet in a park after work and chatted for abit until he kissed me again and I let him. We then continued to talk over message and he would constantly ask to try and meet me. I kept saying no it wasn’t right but then when my DP was working away a lot and not coming home at night until late I felt lonely and I caved and ended up meeting this guy outside of work again. We never ended up sleeping together again but we did kiss, it was more for the company and connection and feeling wanted for the first time in ages for me, but in the end I broke things off I said it wasn’t what I wanted and I wanted to try and make my relationship work. The guy kept trying to convince me I was making the wrong decision I was clearly unhappy in my relationship otherwise I wouldn’t have done what I had and said that we clearly had a connection. Tbh I felt like terrible, I hated myself and what I had done and I was worried about how awkward it was going to be in work. This guy was also really helping me in work, whenever I was stressed (which was a lot) as we were in a quite a high pressure job and I was newish he would take a lot of my work load off me and do it for me so I didn’t have to and it was even more awkward that he was my team leader so more senior to me, I was scared if I pissed him off I would get fired or something. Anyway in the end I did call it quits and it was very awkward in work I didn’t really know what to do but I plodded along and tried not to break down daily. In the end we did remain friends and didn’t meet outside of work again.

Fast forward to a coupe of months later. I was in work and I had left my phone at home. My DP had been onto my phone and somehow looked on my notes where I had left a long message in my notes I had typed out to the work guy breaking things off. It was a long old message and it said in the message about me being sorry and that I did really care for him but I wasn’t ready to give up my relationship and wanted to try work it out. Of course my DP was heartbroken and when I got home confronted me, I didn’t admit everything to him at first saying it was just a one time thing but then I told him everything that had gone on and he was asking me for all the finer details of us meeting, what we did, what we spoke about etc etc.

We took some time apart and I went to live with my parents for a few months. I had completely cut off contact with the work guy and I had even quit my job leaving me with no job but I was in the process of starting my own beauty business so was trying to focus on that and make myself a better person. Me and my DP were still meeting up weekly. Going to the cinema, having tea together as he said to me he wanted to try and make it work because he loved me and I did still really loved him and I was just blind to see how much I did at the time as I was focussing on everything negative in our relationship when there was still so much positive. When we were seeing each other we were more intimate than we had been in forever, we slept together every time we saw each other and he would be all over me. It seemed like things were improving. Then a couple of weeks down the line I found out I was pregnant, initially he didn’t want me to keep the baby but then said he wanted me to move home and me keep the baby and try make things work. We have now been living back together for 2 months, we haven’t really spoken about what happened but for the last 3 weeks he seemed to have changed. It’s like it was before any of this happened but worse. He wouldn’t hug, kiss or even come near me but then I think that’s what I deserve but at the same time that’s not helping our relationship get back on track which we have both said we want. I’ve been suffering from bad morning sickness and I feel like he wants me to suffer and thinks it’s karma. Last night we had a massive argument where he said he doesn’t like me as a person, has tried but can’t try anymore because he just can’t ever trust me again. He was saying he doesn’t think keeping the baby is a good idea again although he hasn’t even mentioned it once over the past 2 months, we have been talking about the babies room and what we will call the baby when they arrive. Then the next morning he has apologised to me again. Hugging and kissing me saying nobody deserves to be called horrible names and that he still wants to try, and that it has to work. We both really want it to work and are willing to put the work in, but I just don’t know what I can do, I know it’s all my fault and I should have never had gotten myself involved in the situation I had. I’ve got no money coming in at the moment as I can’t work due to corona virus and we are both in the house with each other 24/7.

Has anyone got any advice for us on what we can do to try save our relationship? I know people might say it’s time to walk away because of how I’ve treated him and I don’t deserve him but we both love each other still and want to make it work and we now have a baby on the way. I think he’s just struggling with trusting me (which I completely understand) and he must be driving himself crazy thinking about it and how I could do it to him. Believe me I hate myself enough for doing it, so I am so grateful he still wants to give us a shot. Anyone have any words of wisdom???

Why is this all your fault?
Please just re-read your post.
From the start.
He's not been present for ages has he?
I mean honestly, what do you get out of this relationship?
Love? Respect? Commitment?
He really isn't trying and I've no idea why you didn't leave him ages ago.
You then had an affair.
At that point you definitely should have left.
He's never going to fully forgive or trust you.
And you've no idea what he got up to on those nights out.
This has run it's course.
Sorry OP.

That's an utter shitshow, irrespective of who should carry blame.

You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you, there's an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, you don't talk, you argue.

For God's sake, split up now.

I’m sorry I don’t think there’s anything worth saving here?

Thanks for your comments - I guess I kinda know in my head it’s best to split but I’m just hanging on to hope as we both want to try everything, especially now with a baby on the way and the fact we still love each other and we’re always gonna be in each other’s lives no matter what now. The first years of our relationship were amazing and I just wish we could get back to how we felt then. He doesn’t go out half as much anymore. And then there’s other factors like we have a house together, a baby on the way, a dog together, he loves my family I love his. We’ve spent 7 years off our lives together. You really don’t think it’s worth still giving it a go?

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound as if you love each other at all. It sounds as if he has contempt for you, and you're so scared of being on your own that you've convinced yourself to take all of the blame for this situation.

He shut you out and basically ignored you for a long time: his fault.

You had an affair: your fault.

But at the heart of it; he has never apologised to you for sidelining you. And he will continually use your affair to emotionally beat you with.

Don't bring a baby into this toxic environment. Take a deep breath. Split up. And work out how to co-parent. I'm really sorry but I don't think you can save this relationship. And in the long-term, I think you would both be happier and healthier apart.

And tbh we barely argue we just had one the other night.
Can trust not be rebuilt over time?

Yes trust can be rebuilt over time if both people are open to working on it and other problems. I don’t see much evidence that he is though? He hasn’t been interested in years and now he’s talking about you getting rid of the baby! When’s the last time your relationship together actually felt supportive and fulfilling?

So many different responses based on the fact the OP is a woman here.

You were in the wrong. If he can't trust you, that's not a failing of him, it's a response to your poor behaviour.

Tbh, there seem to be a lot here to save for you either. What are you getting out of this relationship right now? Is it positive stuff or extra stress, guilt and worry?

Sounds like you both need to move on tbh

I'm not sure I agree with PP, I think you can rebuild OP. BUT. BUT it takes a really long time and a big commitment from both of you. Having a baby together in current circumstances will add massive pressure to even the most solid of relationships and will test you both no end. I guess you can either split now and build a new life in time for the baby or you can throw yourself back in, but this needs 100% commitment on both sides. This is so tough. If I'm honest I would think the future would hold an on/ off relationship for you both for years... that wouldn't be good enough for me or an example for my child, but each to their own and I may well be very wrong. I hope you work it out

You sound like someone who is desperate to be in a relationship at all times, regardless of how shit it is. It genuinely sounds like you would have been happier if you left him ages ago, even if you eventually got back together, because things wouldn’t have progressed to you cheating and him having angry outbursts like this.

Staying together years ago was to your detriment as you never actually worked through your issues, did you? Instead it just carried on until you you did something worse than him, which is arguably unforgivable. He was a shit and distant partner but you lost all moral ground by sleeping with someone else, it’s understandable that his trust is broken.

Personally I don’t think you should make the same mistake twice. I think you both need time apart to truly work through your issues, a baby being added into the mix won’t fix anything but will only make everything harder. To me, it just sounds like you’re staying together for the sake of it.

If you both want it to work, I think you should consider having couples counselling, so that you can explore your relationship and the different dynamics of it - as well as the situation you both find yourselves in now.

Would you/he consider that?

I completely understand that I am in the wrong. Yes he may have neglected our relationship but I should have been more open to talk to him about this at the time or to walk away. And now I’ve found myself having done the unthinkable which I am so remorseful for. I don’t blame him not trusting me on him, I know it’s my fault.

But I think we do have a lot to fight for and I know a baby isn’t going to make it any easier but we have decided to keep the baby now and there is no going back on that. Tbh I think the only thing left to try is couples counselling.

So out of 7 years together only the first years were great?. So about 2-3 years were great. 4-5 have be shit. He disengaged, you cheated.

The only think keeping you together is blind hope of returning to the early honeymoon years and the fact you said you'd be together forever. It was a promise not a contract that you're unable to break. Teenagers say this to their first loves, and no one bats on eye when they split up.

If the love is still there and more importantly you actually like each other and are both prepared to work hard, then I think relationship counselling would be good. Your communication and appreciation of each other got lost years ago. You forgot to work together at the relationship.

Relationship shouldn't be hard work, but they need work. Having a dc and just hoping it'll all sort itself out is naive. Get help and be prepared for more shit before it gets better.

Sorry OP but I think it’s over. You fucked up massively and chose not to tell the truth to your partner and even when caught red handed you still didn’t tell the full truth.

Yes, some relationships can be rebuilt but not when you keep repeatedly lying. I’d certainly never trust you again and without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

I think it’s quite understandable how your DP has reacted, I think he sounds quite torn between ‘doing the right thing’ and following his heart. For his sake let him go so he can start fresh with someone else and be happy.

Only the two of you together,can really determine what you should do now. Nobody here can just say you must leave him,or he leave you. I would always advocate , to try and work things out, before any hasty decisions.. Both of you have had some issues in your relationship, that hopefully could be worked upon. You have both known each other for a longish time, and hopefully this will mean that you can talk things through together, in a truthful manner.

There is nothing worth saving. I know recruitment. If you live in Essex I reckon I probably even know who he is! I have seen this over and over. I can guarantee he was cheating on you whilst coked up so don't feel too bad.

There is nothing to save. Just let it go.

Just saw you were pregnant. If you want to move on you both need to change jobs imo. He clearly doesn't have the willpower to resist the social side of recruitment.

Well you set up your story great there in the first few paragraphs to excuse your behaviour.

Luckily for you women who cheat on partners always get loads of pats on the back on mumsnet.

@Sugartitss I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour. I’ve already admitted I’m the one in the wrong and nothing excuses cheating.

However in the light we both want to try make things work because we do see enough worth fighting for in the relationship, I wanted to see if anyone had any advice to help with that. The original post doesn’t sum on the whole of our relationship there are highs and lows and I appreciate that mainly focus on the negatives and may seem like there is nothing to stay in the relationship for.

He doesn’t have a job in recruitment anymore and I have quit my job. Of course I want him to be happy and I have said to him if I’m not what makes him happy anymore I will have to just accept that. He has told me that he wants to try though. Everyone is going to have a different view on this but thanks to everyone that has commented so far.

Why on earth would you stay together?

It sounds awful for you both and for the child.

Gosh you are really committed to making yourself as unhappy as possible!

Your posts remind me of my mum. She can never be brave and make the right choice at the time - she has to keep taking the worst possible conflict-avoiding way out, over and over, until she has fucked up her own life and everyone else's. She will then continue to defend her choices while sobbing about how she is a terrible person and everyone is mean to her. As if she had no choice but to do what she did and she is a child with no responsibility.

Look, obviously you have completely fucked up here. You are a person who sleep walks through life, instead of just taking accountability.

Your partner doesnt trust you, why should he. You cant trust a sleepwalker. He knows that if another difficult thing arises in your life, you won't deal with it, you will just go along the path of least resistance, no matter how it messes up everyone's life. All that matters to you is that YOU dont have to do things that are uncomfortable. How do you have a family with someone like that? How does he manage to feel safe, ever?

You need counselling. So does he. Of course you should split with him - but of course you won't, because that would be hard and you don't do hard. Of course you shouldn't continue the pregnancy - bringing a child into this mess is a travesty - but of course you will continue, because the braver choice is too hard and you dont do hard.

Honestly give your fucking head a shake and grow up. Since you insist on having this baby, at least let it have an adult for a mother.

Relationships don't get better after the birth of a child, they just don't. And yours didn't work when you didn't have children- he's horrible to you, you are unfaithful to him, you have to 'work hard' and 'fight' for it instead of just getting on and being happy most of the time. Basically you had one good month of him being ok, and now it's back to the same old same old. Rinse, repeat. You would be better off thinking through whether you want to be a single mother, because if he's being off, isolating and not nice now, it will be 100 times worse when you are with the baby.

Just be honest with yourself- you wanted to be happy before, you weren't, you can't want or fight a good relationship out of a bad one. I don't think couples counselling will help but you could try if you are determined to keep flogging this situation to make it happy (it won't work but then you will know this).

It sounds to me as though he was cheating way, way before you were. No wonder you turned to your colleague. One thing you say:

He would be on his phone all the time day and night and we weren’t intimate anymore. It felt like we were just best friends living together and we had lost our spark. We had both always said we would be together forever and spoken about marriage etc but I just felt alongside him being so work focused, he always preferred going out getting pissed than coming home and spending time with me and I just felt neglected and unwanted by him. We barely spoke, we would sit in the living room at night and not speak a word to each other and be so disconnected.

In which way is he a best friend? He's absolutely awful!

Only you can make the decision as to whether you'll keep the baby, but I think you have to face the fact that it's very, very likely that you'll bring up the child alone if you do.

I'm really sorry - he's a complete twat.

Couples counselling OP! This isn't going to go away on its own. Trust can be rebuilt, resentment dealt with but you both have to be willing to work on it and not just rug sweep like you seem to have been up until now.

Even if couples counselling doesn't solve it - it can help you come to the realisation that it's best to split up. Also look up avoidant/anxious attachment disorders and see if it rings a bell for you, sounds like he's quite emotionally detached which makes you insecure - this is a common toxic combo that often results in a vicious behavioural cycle - you need to see it for what it is in order to try and break it, both of you.

He would always want to be involved in the child’s life. Regardless of if we are together or not I know that. I’m 13 weeks pregnant now. We have told our families about the baby, his family don’t know anything about the cheating (his choice not to tell them) my family know. I know baby would be brought up in a loving supporting home no matter what.