I’ve messed up really bad...

[Mollyolly123]

I’ve been with my DP for around 7 years. Not married and have no kids currently. Our relationship was been great for the majority of that time until he got a new job in recruitment and he would go out all the time during the week nights, coming home late, never keeping promises, phone being switched off and then rolls in at like 4am drunk out of his head. This really upset me and I spent almost every week in tears to my friends thinking this is not what I want. He would always apologise the next day and we would move on. Overall our relationship was still good but this always made me have doubts in the back of my mind what he was up to as there were several times where he wouldn’t let me know what he was doing and just didn’t come home till the early hours and this happened for a over a year.

We then decided to move house, outside of the city. Our relationship seemed to go downhill. He had started his own company now and was working all hours of the day. He would be on his phone all the time day and night and we weren’t intimate anymore. It felt like we were just best friends living together and we had lost our spark. We had both always said we would be together forever and spoken about marriage etc but I just felt alongside him being so work focused, he always preferred going out getting pissed than coming home and spending time with me and I just felt neglected and unwanted by him. We barely spoke, we would sit in the living room at night and not speak a word to each other and be so disconnected. It just wasn’t the same anymore, but I couldn’t face leaving him as we had our whole lives together so I decided to just see it things would get better. I tried to keep myself occupied with friends and the gym and kind of just became numb to the fact we weren’t intimate or connecting the same as we used to.

Then this is where it all went wrong, I fucked up massively. I had just gotten a new job, and at work had gotten close to the guy I sat next to every day as we spoke all the time. It slowly progressed to us messaging each other out side of work and months later we went out a work night out where I ended up back at his house and we ended up sleeping together. After this it was really awkward in work, I didn’t really know what to do. I felt terrible. Then the guy from work asked if we could meet up to talk, I agreed because I needed to speak to someone about what happened and of course nobody else knew. We went to meet in a park after work and chatted for abit until he kissed me again and I let him. We then continued to talk over message and he would constantly ask to try and meet me. I kept saying no it wasn’t right but then when my DP was working away a lot and not coming home at night until late I felt lonely and I caved and ended up meeting this guy outside of work again. We never ended up sleeping together again but we did kiss, it was more for the company and connection and feeling wanted for the first time in ages for me, but in the end I broke things off I said it wasn’t what I wanted and I wanted to try and make my relationship work. The guy kept trying to convince me I was making the wrong decision I was clearly unhappy in my relationship otherwise I wouldn’t have done what I had and said that we clearly had a connection. Tbh I felt like terrible, I hated myself and what I had done and I was worried about how awkward it was going to be in work. This guy was also really helping me in work, whenever I was stressed (which was a lot) as we were in a quite a high pressure job and I was newish he would take a lot of my work load off me and do it for me so I didn’t have to and it was even more awkward that he was my team leader so more senior to me, I was scared if I pissed him off I would get fired or something. Anyway in the end I did call it quits and it was very awkward in work I didn’t really know what to do but I plodded along and tried not to break down daily. In the end we did remain friends and didn’t meet outside of work again.

Fast forward to a coupe of months later. I was in work and I had left my phone at home. My DP had been onto my phone and somehow looked on my notes where I had left a long message in my notes I had typed out to the work guy breaking things off. It was a long old message and it said in the message about me being sorry and that I did really care for him but I wasn’t ready to give up my relationship and wanted to try work it out. Of course my DP was heartbroken and when I got home confronted me, I didn’t admit everything to him at first saying it was just a one time thing but then I told him everything that had gone on and he was asking me for all the finer details of us meeting, what we did, what we spoke about etc etc.

We took some time apart and I went to live with my parents for a few months. I had completely cut off contact with the work guy and I had even quit my job leaving me with no job but I was in the process of starting my own beauty business so was trying to focus on that and make myself a better person. Me and my DP were still meeting up weekly. Going to the cinema, having tea together as he said to me he wanted to try and make it work because he loved me and I did still really loved him and I was just blind to see how much I did at the time as I was focussing on everything negative in our relationship when there was still so much positive. When we were seeing each other we were more intimate than we had been in forever, we slept together every time we saw each other and he would be all over me. It seemed like things were improving. Then a couple of weeks down the line I found out I was pregnant, initially he didn’t want me to keep the baby but then said he wanted me to move home and me keep the baby and try make things work. We have now been living back together for 2 months, we haven’t really spoken about what happened but for the last 3 weeks he seemed to have changed. It’s like it was before any of this happened but worse. He wouldn’t hug, kiss or even come near me but then I think that’s what I deserve but at the same time that’s not helping our relationship get back on track which we have both said we want. I’ve been suffering from bad morning sickness and I feel like he wants me to suffer and thinks it’s karma. Last night we had a massive argument where he said he doesn’t like me as a person, has tried but can’t try anymore because he just can’t ever trust me again. He was saying he doesn’t think keeping the baby is a good idea again although he hasn’t even mentioned it once over the past 2 months, we have been talking about the babies room and what we will call the baby when they arrive. Then the next morning he has apologised to me again. Hugging and kissing me saying nobody deserves to be called horrible names and that he still wants to try, and that it has to work. We both really want it to work and are willing to put the work in, but I just don’t know what I can do, I know it’s all my fault and I should have never had gotten myself involved in the situation I had. I’ve got no money coming in at the moment as I can’t work due to corona virus and we are both in the house with each other 24/7.

Has anyone got any advice for us on what we can do to try save our relationship? I know people might say it’s time to walk away because of how I’ve treated him and I don’t deserve him but we both love each other still and want to make it work and we now have a baby on the way. I think he’s just struggling with trusting me (which I completely understand) and he must be driving himself crazy thinking about it and how I could do it to him. Believe me I hate myself enough for doing it, so I am so grateful he still wants to give us a shot. Anyone have any words of wisdom???

He hasn't gotten over you cheating on him. To be honest it doesn't sound like the relationship was very good before this anyway but if you both genuinely want it to work have you tried couples therapy?
He was upset and angry with you and by you getting pregnant he's going to feel like you 'trapped' him (hate that word) and he will end up resenting you and maybe even the baby.

I don't know why people are saying he's to blame too. I don't think that's right at the end of the day you cheated and not him and as you've painted as you were being emotionally neglected I wonder if that's what you say to him too?

Apart from therapy, the best advice would be to split up and so you both have the time to decide what you really want.

I think you’re getting a lot of harsh words on here. If you had posted before your misdemeanour then I’m sure the majority of posters would have been telling you to leave him and that he’s clearly cheating. Late nights, working away from home, glued to his phone, no sex life with you, emotionally distant...?! He clearly wasn’t up to good things. Are you scared to admit that to yourself?

I wish you all the luck with your pregnancy and however you move forward with this. You messed up, but it looks quite likely he already had. I hope if there is something to be saved in your relationship you manage to do it.

He disengaged from the relationship a long time before you cheated. And it seems to be you shouldering all the blame for the relationship issues because of the cheating.
Things won't get better with a newborn. Prepare for single parenthood.

I'll never really understand why people will happily stay in a miserable relationship and cheat instead of recognising that they're not happy and leaving with dignity.

This relationship is unbelievably toxic OP, once the trust is broken it can never be fully regained, there will always be that tiny voice in the back of someones head saying 'they've done it once, will they do it again'.
Things would be hard enough but now there's a baby in the mix which is only going to make the situation even more difficult. Babies do not fix problems, they tend to exacerbate them.

If it was me, I'd break off the relationship and concentrate on being a great pair of co-parents.

However if you are determined to stay in this relationship you both have to talk openly and honestly in counselling about your issues.

I completely understand what you meant about there still being good in the relationship but focusing on the negative things.. it's amazing what looking back on the past can show up.

I cheated and ended a relationship with someone who honestly still think was the one. I still feel awful about it and it was a year ago. I well and truly ruined my own life! There is no one to blame but myself. The relationship had some problems, (lack of affection, intimacy, he didn't have his own social life) but I didn't need to cheat!

Completely ending long term relationships isn't something to be taken lightly, especially now you are pregnant. This lockdown is absolute hell because we are suddenly stuck 24/7 with people and I think even the strongest relationships are suffering. I wouldn't rush into a decision right now, regardless of the pregnancy situation.

I'd suggest trying to have a lot of time apart and focusing on yourself at the moment. I think that's all I can say really, from personal experience

I honestly would move back to my parents and focus on my baby and my business. You don't love each other anymore, the relationships run its course. It sounds utterly miserable. It's a shame you didn't leave before you made a baby.

If you want to give your marriage another try then go for it, if not then split. If you do give it a try then you need to be committed and give up the guilt and blame for the past. Holding on to that guilt or blame will eat away at your relationship. Try and recover the early days of your relationship, a family can make it difficult but can also bring you together if you want to be a family.

OK, let's put this bluntly.

You've definitely had sex with someone else. You weren't living with your long term partner.

But within a couple of weeks (of unprotected sex when you'd managed to not get up the duff for years) you were pregnant.

Even if he hadn't been cheating on you already, how on earth is he supposed to be sure that this baby is his? And if you have a DNA test after it is born, how is he ever to know that it isn't just a sheer fluke that you got pregnant to him and not somebody else?

It’s interesting if a woman had posted this from the partners perspective, that she had got busy with work, neglected her, got caught up socialising and because he didn’t get the attention he needed, he had an affair, the responses would be very different indeed, it would be leave the cheating bastard.

The gender bias is alive and strong on here.

Op, for myself, you did a number on each other, and have likely killed your relationship in the process, he neglected you, you cheated on him. So much water under the bridge it’s hard to row back.

He’s done the pick me dance, desperate to be the winner, even though the other man you know was gone.

Now he has won you, he’s wondering if he should have bothered, what sort of prize he’s got, and now a kid is being thrown into the mix and the families know, so hard to come back from and change that.

Events are out with his control, and he’s angry. They are out with your control but you just want it back as it was, you’re bewildered and hurt.

I hate to say it, but I think you can learn to be happy together, learn to rub along, the cracks will always be there, just papered over, and a baby makes everything a million miles harder. It won’t ever get back to what it was. I’m sorry.

I agree - there's a different thread where the man is talking to a female friend nothing flirty but just excessively and people are saying he's in the wrong (which I agree with) but when the actual cheater is a woman it's somehow still the man's fault.

I think he sounds abusive, honestly. You would be better off without him from what you've written. Stop beating yourself up.

Agree that the gender bias is ridiculous on this thread. The op describes her partner being distant from her, she responds by moaning to her friends on a weekly basis and then later cheating on him. I mean... ffs. There are multiple ways of dealing with a partner who has become distant and disengaged, including, you know, ending the relationship with a bit of class and dignity.

Cheating on the man, then begging him back and "accidentally" getting knocked up with a baby who will be born into strife and misery, is really not an excusable way to deal with any of this. That's the response of someone who has a deficit of bravery and isn't taking responsibility for herself or her relationship.

If a man came on here with the same story in reverse genders, he'd be eviscerated.

@Poppi89 I don’t think anyone is saying it’s his fault and I’ve certainly not said that.

They have just mentioned the fact, there were clearly red flags in his behaviour. It doesn’t justify me cheating and I’m certainly not looking for sympathy. Just helpful advice from people with life experience.

Thanks for everyone’s comments.

bluntness I disagree with your assessment. He was horrible to her and she should have known it was unacceptable and left him. I don't feel being faithful to someone who's being a prick is particularly beneficial to anyone. It's just a shame she didn't know it was time to stop accepting the unacceptable. He was briefly nice to get her back and now is horrible again because he's always been like that-but now it's validated for all time because he has A Reason.

There were definitely red flags in his behaviour the relationship didn't work but that's for you to leave - not cheat and then be upset that he is upset over it.
If he was so bad you wouldn't have got back with him. So if you want it to work then you have to accept that you were in the wrong and I think people basically saying his behaviour pushed you to sleep with someone else is not helping your situation.

if he was so bad you wouldn't have got back with him

That is utter nonsense.

You have both wronged each other and you both have resentments about each other’s behaviour .

But I think anything can be worked upon and overcome - if you both make the effort to address the issues and then move on from them.
Make a commitment to sort it out before the baby is born and then you could have a fresh start together once baby arrives - but that can only happen if you sort the problems out - ignoring them will just make it all worse .
If you can’t do it alone the get yourselves to a counsellor ASAP before it’s too late .

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h - how is it utter nonsense?

Ov, that’s fine, we all have different opinions, for you he’s horrible and she’s done no wrong in having an affair, for me they have both done wrong, he neglected her, she cheated on him instead of addressing it and potentially moving on.

Everyone is welcome to different opinions.🤷‍♀️

Either way though it’s not working now, as likely it was never going to. So they can paper over the cracks, limp on, bring a baby into the mix, become more distant from each other, and both of them be fundamentally unhappy, paper over the cracks and pretend it’s all good, which I’m sorry op, is the likely outcome.

Neglect in the format you describe, for a short period, is something most people get over if the neglect stops, and the focus comes back, an affair is a totally different animal and often causes anger for a very long time, even with the best of intentions to get over it, for many it is something they can never get past.

You see so many threads on here, women doing the same thing when their husbands cheat, doing everything to get them back, hating rhe other woman, thinking they won, and then after they won, the anger is palpable and they struggle to ever get past it.

Perhaps so bluntness, we can only project an imagined narrative and I see something quite different-partly because the OP's fixation on grovelling suggests she has been told she's the bad guy and trained to please in an excessive way. She was probably like this before she met the man and was vulnerable to someone like him. But we're imagining different scenarios.

Poppi Because people don't necessarily avoid partners who treat them badly. If you have the emotional health to do so, count yourself lucky.

I think there are some unkind comments here and that people forget there is a real person on the end of it. Who are you guys to judge so hastily? People make mistakes and not once has op not taken responsibility for what she has done.

What's done is done and that can't be changed op but what can be changed is moving forward.

I completely agree with the suggest of couples counselling. Even if it isn't to save the relationship but understand each other better than I can't see it being a bad thing. Whether you two are together now or not, you will both have to coparent and be the best possible parents to your precious little one. And to do that, it might be healthier to get all the resentful feelings out by talking to a neutral third party. You've taken on all the blame but who is to say he was acting right. Being out all the time, who with? I think both of your views could be explored with a therapist.

Congratulations on your baby by the way.

I agree that the answers would be very different if this was a man posting. There's no excuse for cheating, however disengaged the non-cheating partner.

OP, a baby doesn't make a relationship stronger. It puts more pressure on a relationship. Yours is rubbish to start with and bringing a baby into that shit storm is unbelievably selfish. What do you think? That you'll miraculously rediscover your love and respect for each other and he'll regain all trust for you while you bond over 2 hours sleep, shitty nappies and resentment?

I think the main thing is to establish if you do both really want this to work.
You have to be prepared for him bringing up your cheating every time you have a falling out.
How sure are you that he didn't cheat on you when he was working in "recruitment"?
You both have to be prepared to put the past behind you, do you realistically think this is possible?
Yes to couples counselling only if you are both committed to doing it.
Good luck!

Not condoning the cheating, but I understand why you did it. You seem so remorseful now, perhaps it's time to forgive yourself.
In my opinion, if someone tells you they don't like you, believe them. I often said this during arguments to my ex in the end, after examining my feelings later, I meant it. I never managed to regain trust or respect for him either, even though I drove myself mad trying to.

The thing is op, it sounds like you are desperate to make the relationship work, but you can't fix this on your own. If he doesn't want to then you can't make him.

You've massively screwed up by having the affair and then lying to him initially. Trying to justify it by citing his distance and lack of closeness before it doesn't sit right with me. If that's the case then any man whose wife has gone off sex is justified in having an affair and no one on MN thinks that's true, so it shouldn't be true in your case just because you're a woman.

Now that you've accidentally become pregnant the stakes are ramped up aren't they? You should have taken time to work on your relationship, had counseling before sleeping together. You can't just wave a magic wand now and fix everything.

Have you suggested couples counseling? Maybe that's the best chance if he will agree but I think you have to prepare for the fact that this relationship won't work out.