I’ve been with my DP for around 7 years. Not married and have no kids currently. Our relationship was been great for the majority of that time until he got a new job in recruitment and he would go out all the time during the week nights, coming home late, never keeping promises, phone being switched off and then rolls in at like 4am drunk out of his head. This really upset me and I spent almost every week in tears to my friends thinking this is not what I want. He would always apologise the next day and we would move on. Overall our relationship was still good but this always made me have doubts in the back of my mind what he was up to as there were several times where he wouldn’t let me know what he was doing and just didn’t come home till the early hours and this happened for a over a year.
We then decided to move house, outside of the city. Our relationship seemed to go downhill. He had started his own company now and was working all hours of the day. He would be on his phone all the time day and night and we weren’t intimate anymore. It felt like we were just best friends living together and we had lost our spark. We had both always said we would be together forever and spoken about marriage etc but I just felt alongside him being so work focused, he always preferred going out getting pissed than coming home and spending time with me and I just felt neglected and unwanted by him. We barely spoke, we would sit in the living room at night and not speak a word to each other and be so disconnected. It just wasn’t the same anymore, but I couldn’t face leaving him as we had our whole lives together so I decided to just see it things would get better. I tried to keep myself occupied with friends and the gym and kind of just became numb to the fact we weren’t intimate or connecting the same as we used to.
Then this is where it all went wrong, I fucked up massively. I had just gotten a new job, and at work had gotten close to the guy I sat next to every day as we spoke all the time. It slowly progressed to us messaging each other out side of work and months later we went out a work night out where I ended up back at his house and we ended up sleeping together. After this it was really awkward in work, I didn’t really know what to do. I felt terrible. Then the guy from work asked if we could meet up to talk, I agreed because I needed to speak to someone about what happened and of course nobody else knew. We went to meet in a park after work and chatted for abit until he kissed me again and I let him. We then continued to talk over message and he would constantly ask to try and meet me. I kept saying no it wasn’t right but then when my DP was working away a lot and not coming home at night until late I felt lonely and I caved and ended up meeting this guy outside of work again. We never ended up sleeping together again but we did kiss, it was more for the company and connection and feeling wanted for the first time in ages for me, but in the end I broke things off I said it wasn’t what I wanted and I wanted to try and make my relationship work. The guy kept trying to convince me I was making the wrong decision I was clearly unhappy in my relationship otherwise I wouldn’t have done what I had and said that we clearly had a connection. Tbh I felt like terrible, I hated myself and what I had done and I was worried about how awkward it was going to be in work. This guy was also really helping me in work, whenever I was stressed (which was a lot) as we were in a quite a high pressure job and I was newish he would take a lot of my work load off me and do it for me so I didn’t have to and it was even more awkward that he was my team leader so more senior to me, I was scared if I pissed him off I would get fired or something. Anyway in the end I did call it quits and it was very awkward in work I didn’t really know what to do but I plodded along and tried not to break down daily. In the end we did remain friends and didn’t meet outside of work again.
Fast forward to a coupe of months later. I was in work and I had left my phone at home. My DP had been onto my phone and somehow looked on my notes where I had left a long message in my notes I had typed out to the work guy breaking things off. It was a long old message and it said in the message about me being sorry and that I did really care for him but I wasn’t ready to give up my relationship and wanted to try work it out. Of course my DP was heartbroken and when I got home confronted me, I didn’t admit everything to him at first saying it was just a one time thing but then I told him everything that had gone on and he was asking me for all the finer details of us meeting, what we did, what we spoke about etc etc.
We took some time apart and I went to live with my parents for a few months. I had completely cut off contact with the work guy and I had even quit my job leaving me with no job but I was in the process of starting my own beauty business so was trying to focus on that and make myself a better person. Me and my DP were still meeting up weekly. Going to the cinema, having tea together as he said to me he wanted to try and make it work because he loved me and I did still really loved him and I was just blind to see how much I did at the time as I was focussing on everything negative in our relationship when there was still so much positive. When we were seeing each other we were more intimate than we had been in forever, we slept together every time we saw each other and he would be all over me. It seemed like things were improving. Then a couple of weeks down the line I found out I was pregnant, initially he didn’t want me to keep the baby but then said he wanted me to move home and me keep the baby and try make things work. We have now been living back together for 2 months, we haven’t really spoken about what happened but for the last 3 weeks he seemed to have changed. It’s like it was before any of this happened but worse. He wouldn’t hug, kiss or even come near me but then I think that’s what I deserve but at the same time that’s not helping our relationship get back on track which we have both said we want. I’ve been suffering from bad morning sickness and I feel like he wants me to suffer and thinks it’s karma. Last night we had a massive argument where he said he doesn’t like me as a person, has tried but can’t try anymore because he just can’t ever trust me again. He was saying he doesn’t think keeping the baby is a good idea again although he hasn’t even mentioned it once over the past 2 months, we have been talking about the babies room and what we will call the baby when they arrive. Then the next morning he has apologised to me again. Hugging and kissing me saying nobody deserves to be called horrible names and that he still wants to try, and that it has to work. We both really want it to work and are willing to put the work in, but I just don’t know what I can do, I know it’s all my fault and I should have never had gotten myself involved in the situation I had. I’ve got no money coming in at the moment as I can’t work due to corona virus and we are both in the house with each other 24/7.
Has anyone got any advice for us on what we can do to try save our relationship? I know people might say it’s time to walk away because of how I’ve treated him and I don’t deserve him but we both love each other still and want to make it work and we now have a baby on the way. I think he’s just struggling with trusting me (which I completely understand) and he must be driving himself crazy thinking about it and how I could do it to him. Believe me I hate myself enough for doing it, so I am so grateful he still wants to give us a shot. Anyone have any words of wisdom???