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Relationships

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Original poster

He doesn't want to get remarried.

52 replies

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 18:48

My boyfriend and I are together two years and he is currently going through a divorce. We both have children from previous relationships and have said we don't want any more. I know for alot of people going through a divorce the thought of getting remarried is the last thing on your mind. But previously we had conversations and he was semi open to it. But we just had a conversation where we told me he doesn't see the point of it and although he is commited to me he does not want to get married again.
It isn't everything to me and I would not have any in interest in a big white wedding. But I would still like to get married. He really caught me by surprise as he sounded very definite. He said marriage is in the church and its not a civil ceremony. I don't share his view. He feels that if you are commited to someone title's etc don't marry once we are happy and have a good relationship. I don't know what to do. The conversation came out of nowhere really.
We had a similar conversation in January and it was a maybe and now it's a no. I love him and like I said it isn't the be all. But I don't want to waste my time either and feel like I don't have any say. Do I just keep going?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2020 18:50

I would take him at his word. If marriage is important to you, it is for me, then he is not the man for you. You will have nothing but building resentment for years to come.

Parsley1234 · 30/04/2020 18:51

It’s up to you if you want to be married you can’t carry on. I’m in a similar position with my partner 9 years not living together he said from the beginning he wouldn’t marry again I thought he might change his mind now even if he did I have moved on in my heart and mind and I think we’re almost at the end of the road. I think marriage shows commitment and an integrity that isn’t found in living together
Don’t compromise your ideals for someone else’s

AhNowTed · 30/04/2020 19:00

I wouldn't remarry either, so as to protect my assets for my children.

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 19:15

One part of me is wondering will he change his mind and another part of me is thinking I don't want to waste my time. I suppose I need to think about how important getting married is to me.

OP posts:

rosiepony · 30/04/2020 19:18

Same for me Ted

okiedokieme · 30/04/2020 19:20

If you have been through divorce you quickly realise that marriage is just a contract. I personally can't be bothered either.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/04/2020 19:25

Assuming he won’t if you want to carry on being with him.

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 19:29

Sorry?

OP posts:

Shodan · 30/04/2020 19:31

DP and I have discussed marriage several times and still end up at the "I dunno" point.

The thing is, marriage at our age (and with 1 marriage under his belt and 2!! under mine) just isn't as important as it used to be when we were younger, in terms of security, children etc. But it would make some things more complicated now- we both have children, we both have assets we want to leave to our children- so we'd have to draw up something to ensure that that happens.

On balance, it's me that doesn't want to get married, for the sole, and shallow, reason that I feel it's a bit embarrassing, to get married for a third time. (for me- I have no judgement on anyone else!)

But of this I am absolutely certain- I love this man more deeply and passionately then I did the previous two. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and the thought of ever being without him horrifies me.

So me not marrying him is, to me, irrelevant. It's the relationship that counts.

However- if marriage were important to him, for whatever reason, I would marry him, if it made him happy. And I think that's the crux of the matter- would your DP marry you, to make you happy? Is the marriage ceremony unimportant enough to him, and your relationship important enough, to do that?

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 19:39

Thanks for your reply. At the moment I dont feel he would marry me just to make me happy. He seems very steadfast in his beliefs. And to be honest I don't think I would want him to for that reason. He hasn't seen his daughter for a number of weeks. I'm not making excuses for him. I just think it's a difficult time at the moment and maybe he's coming out with this off the back of that.

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 30/04/2020 19:44

It sounds like hes having a hard time coping with his divorce ATM.Some men are wary of getting hitched again .You have been together for 2 years ,so not a long time .Maybe see what happens after Lockdown ends.Have a chat,and see where you are at then .

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 19:48

Yes it hasnt been easy as they are not very amicable for they most of it. I said to him its best if we leave it for the moment and come back to it later.

OP posts:

Shodan · 30/04/2020 19:50

dottiedodah speaks a lot of sense. This is a very hard time for everyone right now - wait and have the chat again when life has returned more to normal.

In the meantime, you can do some thinking and ask yourself some questions- is marriage that important to you, how would you feel if it turns out that his not wanting to get married is more important to him than making you happy etc, and go from there.

WickedlyPetite · 30/04/2020 19:52

I'd never marry again if I split with DH (or he died).

Mainly to protect my child's inheritance.

But also because I'm in a very different place now at age 42, financially, career, emotionally, etc, and I won't be having any more children, so I don't see the point, I don't need the security of marriage.

I guess you need to decide if it's that important to you that you'd be willing to end the relationship over it? But that'd be a relationship killer for me anyway - getting married knowing the only reason your DP is going through with it is because you gave them an ultimatum.

Prisonbreak · 30/04/2020 19:53

I’ve never been married and absolutely never want to be. My boyfriend is the same. Been together 8 years. It’s just not for us

RantyAnty · 30/04/2020 19:54

If you want to get married and he doesn't then that's it. 2 years is long enough to know.

He knows you want to be married.
Just add to you to things a man doesn't want to do.
I don't want to get married... to you.

And no, you don't wait for him to change his mind.

GoodUserName · 30/04/2020 19:57

My SIL was in the same situation, she was with her dd's Dad 7 years and he always made it clear he didn't want marriage then they split and just over a year later he's met someone else and got married.
Maybe it's just a case of he doesn't want to commit to you.

Cheesypea · 30/04/2020 19:58

Have you been married before? Are you financially independent. I think its a good idea to leave the decesion, you can get married now anyway x

Cheesypea · 30/04/2020 19:59

Cant sorry

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 20:01

What you said makes a lot of sense. I need to decide is it more important to be with him then be married to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 20:02

Iv never been married and am financially independent.

OP posts:

Bertucci · 30/04/2020 20:03

I wouldn't get married again if I was divorced.

Doesn't mean you're not committed, but to me, it's a nonsense to make vows and then break/repeat.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/04/2020 20:09

Did he change his mind about getting married after he moved in with you? I'd be really upset if someone did that to me.

Original poster

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 20:12

No we don't live together.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 30/04/2020 20:16

In your position OP if I was continuing with the relationship I would proceed knowing he doesn't want to marry, but I also wouldn't move in with him either. Why offer him the companionship of marriage, the divided bills, the wifework and emotional labour if he doesn't want to marry you and have you remain a permanent girlfriend. I would enjoy the relationship as casual on my own terms and keep my own home and independence. Enjoy date nights and equal time in each others homes, don't always have him coming to yours to be fed and bedded.

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