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Original poster

He doesn't want to get remarried.

52 replies

Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 18:48

My boyfriend and I are together two years and he is currently going through a divorce. We both have children from previous relationships and have said we don't want any more. I know for alot of people going through a divorce the thought of getting remarried is the last thing on your mind. But previously we had conversations and he was semi open to it. But we just had a conversation where we told me he doesn't see the point of it and although he is commited to me he does not want to get married again.
It isn't everything to me and I would not have any in interest in a big white wedding. But I would still like to get married. He really caught me by surprise as he sounded very definite. He said marriage is in the church and its not a civil ceremony. I don't share his view. He feels that if you are commited to someone title's etc don't marry once we are happy and have a good relationship. I don't know what to do. The conversation came out of nowhere really.
We had a similar conversation in January and it was a maybe and now it's a no. I love him and like I said it isn't the be all. But I don't want to waste my time either and feel like I don't have any say. Do I just keep going?

OP posts:
ChockyBicky · 30/04/2020 20:18

I swore I wouldn't get married again after my first marriage and was happy living with a new partner for years until I met my now dh and just knew I felt so different with him so maybe he is happy with you but just hasn't found "the one yet"

Original poster
Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 20:18

That's kind of what I was thinking as well. I don't want him to think I'm forcing his hand or anything. But I have to look after myself in this too.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 30/04/2020 20:19

I wouldn't marry again.... I'd be protecting y assets too folks.. for my children Flowers

Dontbeme · 30/04/2020 20:19

Also beware of becoming his childcare. You have your own DC. Let him worry about organising his.

Original poster
Ladyluck99 · 30/04/2020 20:24

Wow. Thanks a mill 👍

OP posts:
iwampix · 30/04/2020 21:37

Totally agree with Dontbeme

mumto2teenagers · 30/04/2020 21:44

I think you need to decide how important marriage is to you and whether you would be happy in a long term relationship with this person without the possibility of marriage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2020 22:01

I totally agree with Dontbeme - "In your position OP if I was continuing with the relationship I would proceed knowing he doesn't want to marry, but I also wouldn't move in with him either. Why offer him the companionship of marriage, the divided bills, the wifework and emotional labour if he doesn't want to marry you and have you remain a permanent girlfriend. I would enjoy the relationship as casual on my own terms and keep my own home and independence. Enjoy date nights and equal time in each others homes, don't always have him coming to yours to be fed and bedded."

Oh, and "He said marriage is in the church and its not a civil ceremony." - neither are marriages, they are just weddings. And they are legal equivalents. Is he religious? If not, he's talking bollocks.

"He feels that if you are commited to someone title's etc don't marry"
I'm assuming that should read 'don't matter'? Well, when things are going well, maybe they don't. But when relationships break down or one partner dies, it really matters.

SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 22:09

I can't see marrying again if I got divorced. I've got my kids and I would never have had them without marriage.

I would also want to protect their inheritance.

I just can't see marriage being as important to me now, as it was when I was younger. I think I'd be happy with a BF who didn't live with me.

NotMyNigel · 30/04/2020 22:10

You are right to protect the financial security of yourself and your children - your job, careers prospects, pension and home.

AManSpeaks · 30/04/2020 22:34

This reply has been deleted

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JamieLeeCurtains · 30/04/2020 22:44

If you don't live together, I guess you're not seeing him right now because of the pandemic lockdown. And he's getting divorced and misses his DC. Maybe he's having an existential moment.

But I'd assume he means what he says, tbh, if you're not representing sunlit pastures for him.

Guineapigbridge · 30/04/2020 22:51

If that's what he wants then don't move in with him - keep him as a boyfriend and keep your financial independence. Sounds like a good arrangement if you can afford it. Protect your own nest and safeguard your children's inheritance.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 30/04/2020 23:13

Honestly, if he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to give you something significant that is (rightly) very important to you, then he’s not the one for you.

cheninblanc · 30/04/2020 23:17

It became very important to me after living together a few years, I talked to him about it one night seriously but accepted that I'd gone into the relationship with the understanding he never wanted to be married again, we're both previously divorced, and that hadn't changed for him. Three months later he asked me to marry him and now we're happily Mr and Mrs some years down the line. I don't know what changed for either of us but it did in its own time and we're very happy. He says he realised how important it was for me and that was enough for him

LemonTT · 01/05/2020 01:02

What stood out for me is that you said you don’t want to make excuses for him. I think you need to realise that he may not want you to. In his shoes I wouldn’t want you to. It would be my choice.

Like him and others on this thread I don’t want to get married. For the reasons most have mentioned. It doesn’t offer me security. I have got that. To all intents and purposes it just creates Financial headaches and problems which I know could be resolved. But I don’t really want to get married- to anybody. It’s not specific to a “you”. It offers me no sense of validation socially or romantically.

I would probably resent being coerced into it for the sake of the relationship.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/05/2020 01:41

He isn't even divorced yet so it's probably just too soon for him to think about marriage. Remember that the divorce process has probably stirred up a lot of regrets and uncomfortable feelings. Just enjoy things for what they are.

Plantlover101 · 01/05/2020 02:00

A friend of a friend wouldn't marry the mother of his two kids because he "didn't agree with marriage". They broke up and he apparently is now happily married to someone else.

I know of a guy who got divorced after a long marriage and said he intended to live the rest of his life as a single man. He married again, eventually.

OP, because your man is going through a divorce it may just be a question of timing. But if you stay with him you need to accept it's likely you two will never marry, and to be at peace with that.

I haven't RTFT - apologies - but you don't say in your OP why exactly you want marriage, given that neither you nor he want more children. What is it you want from marriage?

I personally do not believe that marriage is something I need as a sign of someone's commitment. Someone's commitment is evident in the way they treat you and the level of love, trust and respect you share.

I know live-in couples who are devoted to each other and married people who carry on behind their spouse's back as though they're single. Marriage does not bring guarantees.

Unless you're marrying for children, money or to enable a foreign partner to live in the country legally, is it really necessary? Just call me an old romantic, eh! Wink

fuckoffImcounting · 01/05/2020 12:25

Keep your own place and independence OP. You may have a better time if you are not married and pulled into all the responsibilities that can entail.

Robin233 · 01/05/2020 12:59

I never wanted to get married again but was totally committed to dp.
But 4 years later we did.
Best thing I ever did.
Married over 20 yrs.
still early days yet.
Let the ink dry in the divorce papers first.

Scott72 · 01/05/2020 16:14

He isn't even divorced yet and you're pressuring him to marry. He's still going through the failure of his marriage. He simply won't want to get married again yet. And since you aren't having children together you don't really need the legal protection of marriage.

Haffiana · 01/05/2020 16:16

Iv never been married and am financially independent.

Please be very, very clear about the financial and legal implications of getting married on your children and in fact on his children. You need to sit down and do some serious research, and if necessary get legal advice.

Marriage is not about love. It is a legal contract.

QueenCoral · 01/05/2020 16:25

Divorce messes with your head. I’m not suprised he doesn’t want to get married again. You make vows believing you will be with that person till death do us part. And then it all goes wrong. And there’s a huge emotional and financial fall out.
It’s just too soon to expect him to think about marriage right now. I’m recently divorced and change my mind constantly about whether or not I would marry again.
He’s not even free to marry yet as he’s still married. Let him get the divorce over with and see how things pan out afterwards.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2020 16:39

Doesn't mean you're not committed, but to me, it's a nonsense to make vows and then break/repeat

Me too. I’d not remarry for that reason. Vows are meant to be for life.

Aerial2020 · 01/05/2020 21:49

There's quite a few posts on here saying if I was divorced wouldn't get married again.

If you haven't been divorced then you can't predict how you would feel in the future with someone else you love. It's easy to say 'I would do this or I wouldn't do that' when you haven't experienced it.
If it wasnt you that broke your vows in your first marriage and you got divorced then it's a bit presumptuous to say all of that.
Truth is, you don't know .