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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To wish he would stop messing with me?

25 replies

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 10:28

So me and DP have been together nearly 7 years and due to get married this year (if we can..)
I have been pregnant before, he was the father, and struggle with not having a baby at the end. We had discussed it extensively and agreed to try after we get married. DP then said he doesn't want to and wants a wait a few years, I got upset and said to stop messing with my feelings as it hurts and we left it. Months later he said he wants to try after we get married again and has been bringing it up fairly frequently himself. Well this morning he said he wants to wait 4 years. Now we are mid 20s so timing isnt an issue but he know how much I desperately want to try and I'm upset with him for doing the exact same thing to me again when he knows my feelings.

I'm not really sure what I'm after I just feel really upset and fed up of it..

OP posts:

BertiesLanding · 30/04/2020 10:33

To speak directly, OP: you're choosing to stay with him, so you're complicit in being messed around. Stop hanging on his promises, and start doing something proactive.

Original poster

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 10:40

@BertiesLanding yeah you're right.. thank you

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/04/2020 10:42

So you have deen dating since your late teens and he is not really committed.

I met DH when I was 18, we were married when I was 24, no kids by choice. All discussed, all sorted. So I know it isn't necessarily an age thing. He's just not grown up enough to make a choice with you, so he is to'ing and fro'ing. It may not be deliberate but it is preventing you from living your own life.

You need to sit down with yourself, have an honest, uncomfortable think about the pros and cons of your life with him.

Good luck

BertiesLanding · 30/04/2020 10:43

Any time, @inferiorbeing. And maybe time to change your username too?

Rainbowqueeen · 30/04/2020 10:46

It’s your life OP.
Take control.

Do you believe him? It should be a joint decision not one where he says what he wants and nothing else matters. You do matter. You deserve to be happy

Maybe this relationship has run its course.

FlowerArranger · 30/04/2020 11:05

You're in your mid-20s and have been together for 7 years? I can understand the almost primeval urge to have a child but, truly, you would be unwise to give in to this compulsion at this stage of your life. For all sorts of reasons.

You have been part of a couple all your adult life - all these years when most people grow up through meeting lots of different people (and I don't just mean romantic partneres!), and having all kinds of varied experiences. How much time have you spent, consciously, on trying to find out what you want to do with your life and, most importantly, learning to be YOU?

Maybe this man is indeed your life partner. Maybe this relationship will turn out to be the basis of your future life. But having a child is a huge commitment, it changes your life utterly and forever. You cannot be sure what is right until you both are able to make these decisions from a position of strength and conviction, of knowing
who you both really are and what each of you wants to do with your lives.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/04/2020 11:06

Take control yourself and stop letting him dictate. If you want children and he is fannying around with committing, it might be time to call it a day. Get out there and find someone on the same page as you.

Original poster

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 11:10

Thank you all for being lovely and giving me lots of food for thought

OP posts:

ProfChaos · 30/04/2020 11:16

Neither of you are unreasonable.

You want a baby soon, he wants to wait a few years.

If you both want different things it may be that you need to part ways. This is something you have to agree on, or one of you will be unhappy.

What are the reasons for each of you?

walkingchuckydoll · 30/04/2020 11:21

If he doesn't commit then stop wasting energy on this man. I was 18 when I met my ex and he was serious around the 6 month mark. He didn't want to get married and we both didn't want children till around 30 but we did cohabit and saved and bpught a house together, had shared finances et cetera. I met DH at age 34 and he was serious from week 2 and was very clear which timeline he was up for regarding marriage and children (within a few years) but also very much welcomed my input. If a man is serious about you, he will let you know. He won't dick around because he won't want to risk you leaving.

MitziK · 30/04/2020 14:53

If you wait until 29, he'll say he wants to wait another couple of years.

When you're 31, he'll say 34.

When you're 34, he'll say 36.

And so on.

He doesn't want children with you but is saying what he thinks will keep you hanging on. If you do have a baby, he'll most likely change his mind about it/not do a bloody thing/leave in the first year on the grounds that he 'never wanted a baby'.

You're better off getting shot now.

rvby · 30/04/2020 15:21

Listen to MitziK.

If this relationship were right for you, you wouldn't feel as shaken and devastated by his changing his mind. All these decisions would take place as part of a long, ongoing conversation with you... they wouldn't blindside and hurt you like this.

You're young yet. You don't have to cling to this person. There are 3.5 billion males on this planet, you don't have to hang onto this one in case you don't get another.

MikeUniformMike · 30/04/2020 15:35

Same as what MitziK says.

You are a girlfriend not a life partner. Whatever you do don't get pregnant by him. Sorry about your baby.

Start living your life. Cut your losses and move on.
Meet someone who is at the same stage in life.

FallonSwift · 30/04/2020 17:10

I'm going to be harsh and I apologise in advance -

He's not that into you. You are not Miss Right - you are Miss Right For Now.

It's easy to keep stringing someone along to keep them sweet - the right words, but not anything too specific that you can't backtrack on. Even getting married isn't permanent because you can always up and leave and file for divorce.

You are young and still have plenty of time. Cut your losses and find someone who is genuinely on the same page as you and wants the things that you want.

FallonSwift · 30/04/2020 17:13

If you wait until 29, he'll say he wants to wait another couple of years.
When you're 31, he'll say 34.
When you're 34, he'll say 36.
And so on.

This is very true. And if you aren't careful, you'll end up not having children at all because it's too late - but it will be dressed up as a choice that both of you have made. Until such time as he ups and leaves and goes off with someone younger and has a baby with them. I've seen it on here before and it is heart-breaking.

You cannot compromise on having children - you either want them or you don't. I don't have DC and I'm happy with that decision - so if DH buggers off and gets someone else pregnant then more fool him. But that only works if you are comfortable with your decision for yourself, not for someone else.

Original poster

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 18:10

Thank you all again! I think I really need to reflect.. our wedding is in August and it just feels like we will be going through this time and time again

OP posts:

FallonSwift · 30/04/2020 18:20

Don't marry him if you are at all unsure.

Don't assume that you can work it out after you are married.

He has shown a consistent pattern of behaviour: You agree when you are going to TTC, he then changes his mind, you apply some pressure and he agrees as long as it's a new date in the future.

You cannot fuck about with your fertile years - they are a window of time and once they are gone, they are gone. It's absolutely vital that you have a partner who is on the same page as you about having children.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2020 18:22

I think that often women reach the point where they're really wanting a baby much sooner than men. You're obviously at that point and he isn't. I'm not sure he's messing you about - it sounds as though sometimes he tells you what he actually wants (to wait) and sometimes he tells you what you want to hear. It's very sad you had a miscarriage and I'm sure this makes you feel more desperate.

I don't see anything wrong with a man in his mid-20s not wanting a child yet. It doesn't mean he never wants one or that he's messing you about. He's obviously enjoying this time of his life and wants to prolong it.

Fiveasidefootballfamily · 30/04/2020 18:35

See I think men take longer to mature than women (yes there are exceptions) but a lot of women might want to start a family in their mid-twenties, especially if they’ve been together a while. However, a lot of men aren’t sure what they want at that age (especially regarding children) and often have more of an urge to experience things first. They don’t have a biological clock so I suppose it makes sense that this wouldn’t be as important. He perhaps sees others with kids and thinks he’s up for it but then thinks about experiences/his career/couple time and wants to wait. He might not be messing you about, but if he isn’t sure about it all yet, he might decide they’re not for him at all at some point. Have you had a serious conversation with him about this and his thoughts and also reasons why things have changed?

It seems like everyone on Mumsnet assumes the worst of people but I just think a lot of men are quite indecisive and immature at this age. What is he like generally? Is he dependable, honest, trustworthy etc? Do you feel that you’re both on the same page with most things and have the same dreams for the future? Do you think he’s the daddy type?

Wanderlust21 · 30/04/2020 18:45

I say call the marriage off now. He doesnt know what he wants and he likely never will. Dont hitch yourself to someone like that. And certainly don't procreate with them.

Original poster

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 19:18

I think he has a lot of issues surrounding his own abusive dad, which is understanding, but it's hard when he is nothing like that
I think hes main thing is his friends are all doing different things (all in long term relationships but in go no where careers etc) and then he is unsure
I don't want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one, its just hard when he does then doesnt then does again

OP posts:

Original poster

Inferiorbeing · 30/04/2020 19:20

Sorry for all the grammar/typing mistakes

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 30/04/2020 22:19

And if you aren't careful, you'll end up not having children at all because it's too late - but it will be dressed up as a choice that both of you have made. Until such time as he ups and leaves and goes off with someone younger and has a baby with them. I've seen it on here before and it is heart-breaking.

Yes. This is exactly the type of man this guy sounds like.

OP beware. This is the guy who runs out your clock then leaves you at menopause and has babies with a different (younger) woman. Tale as old as time.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2020 22:23

He. He. He.

What about you?

He shows early indicators of being abusive himself. You'll know for sure if you have a baby with him. Then, though, it will be too late.

You can't save him. Save yourself.

kazza446 · 30/04/2020 22:30

OP, I could have written this message with my now ex husband. Didn’t want children but would be willing to consider again in the future. Every time we got to the “future”, he would change the goalposts again. We ended up splitting up in the end when he finally came clean and said children weren’t on the agenda. We had been together 7 years, married for 2. I was heartbroken. I am now re-married and have 4 beautiful children. I’m still in contact with exh, he’s not settled down and hasn’t had any children. I just wished he’d been more honest with me from the outset. You’re only young, be honest with yourself and ask if it’s worth waiting for.

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