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Relationships

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Original poster

Never ever get married

95 replies

Lemonheaddd · 29/04/2020 22:29

Somebody your dating says they never ever want to get married, what would your thoughts be if you want to one day? Would you call it quits

OP posts:

Menora · 30/04/2020 12:52

I don’t really like ‘never’ people but I also don’t like maybe wishy washy people either

I would consider it in the grand scheme with all the context then decide

Tollergirl · 30/04/2020 12:53

@Truthpact - maybe because you don't want to? Maybe because you don't feel the need to follow societal convention and expectation?

@RantyAnty - talk about sweeping generalisations . My DP didn't want to get married and I wasn't that fussed either. We've had 25 very happy years together, 2 DC and outlasted many friends and siblings marriages, but Hey ho - guess we need to work on our commitment issues ....

Truthpact · 30/04/2020 13:00

@Tollergirl

I don't get that though. You are essentially married, but not on paper. If, God forbid, one of you dies, you're leaving the other one very vulnerable and probably entitled to nothing. All for the sake of the fact you won't pay for a quick 'wedding' at a registry office. Why not get married? Just because you don't want to follow social convention?

I imagine you've thought of all of that though and have plans in place incase it does happen. Just seen it happen to others and they got nothing from their spouse dying. Everything went.

lockdownlowdown · 30/04/2020 13:12

@Tollergirl fine but the op is talking about a guy she's dating that declares this not a couple that mutually decide that they don't want a wedding. In the early days if a guy is really into you why would he issue such a statement? Only if he didn't really care if you leave or stay. It's like issuing a disclaimer. Date me if you want but don't expect much from me

aboutbloodytime123 · 30/04/2020 13:28

When I met DP I was adamant I never wanted to get married again, after a pretty shit first marriage I really couldn't see the benefits of it. DP also divorced but he said he did want to. Fast forward 3 years and if he ever actually asks, I will probably say yes :)

NotStayingIn · 30/04/2020 13:32

I think it’s completely fine if you know that upfront. But just be sure to base all decisions on that info. You staying at home to raise kids whilst he furthers his career - nope. You paying money into a house he owns - nope. Etc.

Tollergirl · 30/04/2020 13:42

@Truthpact - it's not the fact that we won't just pay for a quick wedding thanks. And we have provisions in place should one of us die, thanks for asking. Actually prior to Corona we were thinking about a civil partnership because we prefer the idea of that.

@lockdownlowdown - I think it depends on how it's been discussed and how you feel about the person saying it. If they have fundamentally different views to you on life goals and expectations of course you wouldn't want to continue with the relationship but to me, the person's reasons for not wanting marriage are important. You can choose to respect their views or not but shouldn't automatically assume that they're a waste of space. If I had been set on marriage I would have missed out on a good man, and they're not that easy to find (If MN is anything to go by). I also think the wedding industry has a lot to answer for - it's selling dreams, but maybe some are so caught up in the dream that they lose sight of the reality which is the relationship at the centre of it.

I am not against anyone wanting marriage if it suits them, just wanted to offer another perspective to those assuming that men, who have been largely discussed on this thread, who don't want to marry, are by default commitment phobic users.

singswithitsfingers · 30/04/2020 13:47

When I met DH, he said very early on that he didn't want to get married again. He had been stung by previous marriage. He even cited the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral (cheesy yes) as being happily not married. I was a bit sad at first (very trad background) but then accepted it as we were obviously committed in all other ways. Imagine my shock when, about three years later, he proposed! In fact I nearly said no, as I was then so wedded to the unwedded state. Anyway, we're celebrating our 10th anniversary soon

CoronaMoaner · 30/04/2020 13:55

@singswithitsfingers similar story here.
When I met my now DH I said I never wanted to get married (again). Once we had our DC I changed my mind.

Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 14:00

I'm a female and don't want to get married. I am not religious and I already have a child.

I completely understand why someone doesn't want to get married, especially if they have been married before. And I also understand why people do want to be married.

Your decision is how important marriage is to you personally.

LolaSmiles · 30/04/2020 14:09

the early days if a guy is really into you why would he issue such a statement? Only if he didn't really care if you leave or stay. It's like issuing a disclaimer. Date me if you want but don't expect much from me
Or he's saying "I don't want to get married" because that way if the person he's dating does want marriage they can avoid wasting each other's time.

There's so many threads on here where posters seem to think they can change their partner's mind, or claim they don't need marriage because it's just a piece of paper (whilst also wanting the same legal rights that come from entering a legal arrangement known as marriage).

Whether someone wants their affairs legally bound to someone else's is a big decision and it's not a choice everyone wants. Honesty earlier is surely better.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 30/04/2020 14:18

Honesty is definitely the way to go. Years ago, I wasted a disproportionate amount of time with a man who lied to me, about having children. I stated very clearly, early on, that at that stage in my life, I didn’t want to be involved with anyone with children. I wasn’t really sure I even wanted my own, never mind anyone else’s. I meant it.

So, he lied. He thought I’d change my mind. I didn’t. When I found out, I was heavily invested in the relationship and yet... it was a deal breaker.

At the time.

I eventually went on to have my own children and married a man with 4 of his own. We now have 6 between us! It wasn’t about children... it was timing.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 30/04/2020 14:24

There could be any number of reasons why : bad experience , manipulative partner or he simply doesn't want to get married. Also if you have significant assets, investments or capital then marriage puts a substantial part of that at risk, bearing in mind 50% of all marriages fail. Ultimately he's being straight with you and that's fair. You know where you stand. I wouldn't start playing games though. If marriage is important to you then be equally up front about it. That's fair too. Good luck.

lockedinfornow · 30/04/2020 14:51

I couldn't be with someone who straight up said no to marriage, as I'd like to remarry one day. I guesse it depends on how important it is to you both.

copycopypaste · 01/05/2020 16:14

When I first starting seeing my now dh he asked me what my thoughts on marriage were. I'd already been married twice and both times got stuffed financially so there was no way I wanted to do it again and I told him so. We've been married for 3 years now and I couldn't be happier

Prisonbreak · 01/05/2020 16:32

I’m on the other side. I absolutely don’t want to be married, never have. I’m 32 and been with my man 8 years. He feels the same. However if he suddenly changed his mind, that wouldn’t work for me

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2020 16:56

He’s being honest. I don’t blame men not wanting to get married as they come out the worst in divorces and child residency in most cases.

Depends on why you want to get married. Surely you won’t know know that until you meet the right person to take lifetime vows with. Marriage shouldn’t be something people just do.

ConnieDoodle · 02/05/2020 18:04

I don’t blame men not wanting to get married as they come out the worst in divorces and child residency in most cases.

Do they also come out the worst professionally, with a worse salary and smaller pension than the women they marry, and who disproportionately take on the childcare responsibilities?

happymummy12345 · 04/05/2020 19:17

I'd walk away as I always knew I wanted to get married

june2007 · 06/05/2020 10:54

I woudn,t date someone who said that. I would wonder why, it,s like they want a get out clause. For some it won,t be an issue but not for me.

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