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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Giddy but scared I'll put him off.

78 replies

justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 13:36

I have met someone on line a while ago. We have messaged back and forth and spoken on the phone. I'm
Giddy with excitement as is he but we will meet when lockdown is over , as far as we can predict at the moment but I'm scared.
I'm
Scared because although I am comfortable with myself and my body, the fact remains that it's big and wobbly. I'm
About two stone overweight and have a flabby belly and I'm
Worried that he won't find me attractive physically when it comes down to dtd. Also I haven't had sex in a year and my husbands affair did plenty of damage to that side of my confidence.
Please advise. I don't want to ruin the build up by being worried that he may reject me. Already there has been lots of lovely phone sex and message sexting and he is eager, but I've told him From the start that I won't be sending intimate photos etc as I am nervous about putting that stuff online and also I would like a little left to the imagination. Thoughts and advice from men also very welcome, thank you.

OP posts:
justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 15:03

Ok thanks. I appreciate all of the advice from
Each pp.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 29/04/2020 15:05

What others have said. Honestly back in my dating days I had some who I thought were completely fantastic. Built a good rapport, met them and, well, ShockConfused or Angry

Please calm down before you've met him. And if you're worried about your weight why? Surely he's seen pictures of you, recent honest pictures? Not all men are just interested in super fit bodies. If they were they'd probably be honest and up front about it too (or just sexist and misogynistic, depending on the individual)

justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 15:06

I like him so much that I really don't want to ruin things before they begin. Who knows when we will meet?
It is because we share mutual aquantances that I know he is exactly who he says he is.
Any advice for dialing it back. We both have children so we work our communication around being with them so it's evenings and mornings only. Thanks.

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/04/2020 15:10

Woah back!

Eesha · 29/04/2020 15:10

@justanotherdayinparadise1 I'd just avoid sex talk and say I really want to meet you in person and if there's chemistry, then brilliant!

Timeslikethese2020 · 29/04/2020 15:11

I got on really well with someone online (no phone sex thank god) and arranged to meet. I drove past him in the car and my heart sank. I didn’t like him on sight. Out of politeness I met him for a coffee and thought, give him a chance but it was pointless.

What if that happens with this guy?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 15:14

I like him so much that I really don't want to ruin things before they begin.

You don't even know him, not at all. You only know what he has decided to tell you. Honestly, you sound extremely immature.

Eesha · 29/04/2020 15:17

@Aquamarine1029 I think that's a bit harsh. Op just got a bit carried away and believed what this person has said because they have mutual acquaintances so not a complete stranger.

notanotherpandemic · 29/04/2020 15:24

Can I just add that I don't think the op was wanting people to tell her to slow down and asking if she is mad!! She is a fully grown women in an exciting new relationship.... she came on here for advise not judgement seriously some women are so bitchy people please ease off.

Op don't worry one bit about your body. I fell in love with an amazing man a couple of years ago and I was so frightened that he wouldn't look at me twice as I am overweight and I have a saggy mummy belly full of stretch marks that it spoiled the early days for me as it made it almost impossible to climax etc due to the paranoia. Also he told me further down the line that he couldn't believe that a beautiful women like me would look at him twice so thought he was punching. I couldn't believe what I was hearing he was tall dark and handsome and was nicely toned I thought I was punching lol. So stop worrying if it is meant to be he will not even notice. Good luck and don't let these boring perfect know it alls spoil your fun and excitement.

mamato3lads · 29/04/2020 15:26

@Aquamarine1029 that was uncalled for. What is it with everyone today ?

OP, relax, you've done nothing wrong. Your original worry was about your body image..just slow things down. Surely he has seen normal, non explicit photos of you, so has some idea what you look like ?

X

justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 15:27

Thanks.

OP posts:
justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 15:27

Thanks.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2020 15:46

Can you have a virtual date?
Wine at the ready and video chat via whatsapp or messenger?
You can tell quite a lot from that.
Face to face dating is far better but rather than get carried away - have a video date and see how that goes.

SistemaAddict · 29/04/2020 15:55

You had phone sex with someone you've never met?? He could just be a nice voice at the end of the phone and be nothing like his photos or text/email conversations. Can you blame temporary insanity?

justanotherdayinparadise1 · 29/04/2020 15:57

That's a great idea thanks. I will suggest that. May have to be in the car as I have children in the house who are out of sync at the moment butI will suggest it

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 30/04/2020 09:40

Have you actually seen him? Not photos. I think you need to at least skype, zoom or whatsapp video call Grin

inapickle1989 · 30/04/2020 09:55

Hi op I would seriously back off . I have come across so many men who come across as Prince Charming and so in to you making you think it's only you that they are interested in can't wait to meet ect but in fact they are messaging a billion other women sending and receiving the same stuff . Gets what he wants or gets bored and they up and leave leaving you devastated. I'm not saying this is the same but be careful

sniffysnuffler · 30/04/2020 10:02

Feeling a bit sorry for you OP - you didn't ask for a barrage of messages judging the way you are interacting with this man. These are weird times, and it must be so hard for people who are trying to date. My view, for what it's worth, is that there is no harm in enjoying the sexy online interactions, especially since it sounds like you're being cautious about what you send. And so what if there is no chemistry when you do finally meet? Might work to have a first meeting somewhere reasonably neutral and non-committal (coffee rather than a romantic dinner?) so that it's not too awkward to leave early if you want to.

Im really sorry to hear that you're so unconfident about your body. Two stone overweight does not sound awful to me - not every man finds skinny women attractive, and plenty prefer a more rounded look (even if that preference is viewed in the mainstream as a bit fetishistic!). If he's seen recent full-length photos he presumably has an idea of your dimensions even not having seen you naked? Maybe you could try to start a conversation about what sort of women he finds attractive - any celebrity crushes etc. Might give you an idea of his general preferences. And if he picks a load of skinny people you could say something like, 'Lol, I hope you realise I'm not as thin as her' ... you might be able to judge something from his reaction (though it would probably help to run it by a trusted friend, since your anxieties in this area might make you read negativity into anything ambiguous).

It might be that the real problem here is not your body but the effects of your husband's affair and the fact that you haven't had sex in a while. I'm sorry your husband put you through that, and I think it's common in that situation to compare oneself to the other woman and conclude that you must be inferior. That's simply not the case ... people have affairs for all sorts of reasons that have nothing at all to do with the attractiveness of their partner (and often have affairs with people who are much less attractive ... I'm thinking of those stories from years ago about Wayne Rooney shagging women who were much older and less attractive than his partner!). Having sex for the first time in a while can be difficult, I know.

I don't think you should feel like you have to lose weight before you meet this guy - but maybe it would help to try to do things that make you feel good about your body, for your own sake, not his. In my case I find exercising has this effect - it just makes me feel healthier and stronger, and therefore better about my body, even when my size has not changed at all. Just getting out for a longish walk could make a difference (not much else to do at the moment anyway). Or Joe Wickes's YouTube workouts. Or something completely unrelated to exercise if that's not what does it for you ...

And let's not forget that while you're worried about him not liking you, you're ignoring the possibility that you might be disappointed in him. You sound like a fun and smart person whose usual confidence has been knocked by an arsehole. That doesn't make you any less worthy, and if you and this guy end up not liking each other, there will be more opportunities and this man will have been a useful trial run :D

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 10:09

Op have you even Skyped or FaceTimed this man yet?

Menora · 30/04/2020 10:12

People generally are trying to help OP, she already has low confidence about how she looks and that’s often a magnet for those shark types who hone in on vulnerable women. So come on - not all people are judging or being mean to tell her to slow it down for her own good

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 10:16

If you’ve not done some form of video call with this man yet. And you’ve got yourself all excited and started having phone sex I’d be very concerned,

Hopefully you have regular video call dates. If not, then you need to ask why not?

Timeslikethese2020 · 30/04/2020 10:16

I met someone online and we spoke on the phone before meeting up. He said, how much do you weigh as I don’t do fatties Confused.

His profile was so lovely and said he was genuine, a family man etc but he was actually a prat and fortunately I didn’t meet him.

Point being, you can never tell so don’t give too much of yourself away before you know him better.

Hoggleludo · 30/04/2020 10:19

I met a guy online. A very long time ago. Must be 19 years? We saw photos. We talked for hours

When we met

Ewwwwwwwwwwq.

The body thing. I’m using lockdown to get super fit. Doing 2 hrs of cardio per day. Body toning etc. This is the perfect time. It’s not all about dieting. You need to be moving too.

Stop with the sexting. Please. It’s gross

StudentHelp · 30/04/2020 10:20

You need to be careful!
Even if he’s lovely and the worst thing to happen is your feelings take a battering, it’s not worth it.

I met my current boyfriend online and we talked for 3 months beforehand. Snapchatted, messaged on Facebook etc and I’d really built him up, quite literally, in my head.

When we eventually met, for a date, he wasn’t quite what I expected. He’s slightly shorter than me, which he’d told me but I’d glossed over as it didn’t matter when he wasn’t right there in front of me. I’m 5 foot 9, so he’s not even that short, there’s a centimetre difference.

But anyway, I’d built him up to my idea of perfect and thankfully I gave my head a bloody good wobble and got over his height and we’ve been together over a year and a half now.

Because we’d chatted for so long we agreed to 2 dates in advance as I felt like I’d invested too much so wanted to give each other a proper chance. That’s was good too as I’d never have gone on a second date with him in normal circumstances Blush (which he knows) as he was very nervous and awkward.

All I’m trying to say is don’t let imagination take over. I’m not usually so shallow but because I’d built it up so much it was a recipe for disappointment.
But otherwise, it could turn out great!

I hope it does.

Lampan · 30/04/2020 10:24

Echoing what others have said, rein it in!!
Use this time to sort out an eating and exercise regime, especially as you have a ‘goal’ right now. That can be your motivation.
But as I ALWAYS say on threads like this - you haven’t even met him. There might be absolutely no chemistry at all in real life, regardless of what you have been doing online/phone/video/whatever. Or maybe he will have dreadful personal hygiene or dirty teeth or any number of other off putting things that you would have no way of knowing yet. So keep in contact, stop the phone sex etc and work on yourself for now.

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