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Original poster

Once the trust is gone, does it ever come back?

65 replies

SPP1 · 29/04/2020 09:03

Just that really.

Been with DP over 10 years but things are not good between us anymore.
Sex and intimacy is gone. We're living like friends. However, I love him and care about him. We get on well and have a laugh.

We had a chat about it at the weekend and things are worse than I previously thought.

For background, there was a drunken incident a few months back where a guy kissed me outside a bar, DP saw, went nuts (understandable). We talked it through, resolved things, or so I thought.

Turns out it's not resolved in his mind at all, he has been checking my phone numerous times, questions me whenever I'm late home from work, questions why I don't text him back while at work "even though he can see I've been online", has walked past my work to check the car is there to make sure I'm actually at work. I got a promotion recently which gives me more responsibility, I love it and it has totally boosted my confidence, which DP doesn't like. He claims it has changed me (it has, i admit). He resents my job.

We have CCTV set up outside our house which was useful at first, but I feel he's been using this to "watch" me. He works nights and if I leave the house for whatever reason after he leaves, even if its just to walk to our front gate, he questions why I've done it.

I'm 99% certain he has cameras inside our home too. He asks me things like how was my bath last night, how was the toast that I had before bed... no idea how he could know this. He claims he can smell it when he comes in from work.

[TMI warning] when we discussed our lack of sex he said "well obviously you still have sexual needs" claims he can "smell" when I've masturbated. Envy Sorry.

It's not all one sided though. He was acting suspiciously with his phone last week and I had a look. Hypocritical, I know. He has been contacting woman to meet for sex. He said this was also a drunken mistake. Claims to have never went through with it.

As I said, I love him and care about him, but this relationship has become a walking disaster. I want to separate. DP thinks we can wipe the slate clean and try again but this won't solve the trust issues, just mask them until the next outburst. I can't live with being watched all the time. I feel trapped.

TL:DR. Can there be a relationship without trust or is it over?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 09:06

He has been contacting woman to meet for sex. He said this was also a drunken mistake. Claims to have never went through with it.

How long has he been doing this?

Before he saw this guy (trying to) kiss you.

How that that come about btw - are you saying it was entirely one sided and you tolerated it (why?) or were trying to extricate yourself from it?

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 09:07

*how did that come about

Patapouf · 29/04/2020 09:09

In some circumstances yes, but not in those.

His behaviour is abusive, it's gone beyond lack of trust.

Original poster
SPP1 · 29/04/2020 09:16

I have no idea of who he's been texting or how long for. He claims to have "found the number online", one of those "fancy some fun? WhatsApp me." things. He saved the number and text it one evening while he was up late having a few drinks. I don't believe this but no proof. His phone is glued to his side constantly. I don't think he's the type to meet a stranger for sex, I think this woman is someone he knows from work or wherever.

Me, DP, this guy, and the barmaid were all chatting. Getting on great, all totally drunk (not the barmaid obv) the guy approached me and kissed me. I admit I hesitated for a few seconds before stopping it. DP saw, went crazy.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2020 09:16

Checking your phone, OK!
I get it.
But..... putting cameras in the house.
Questioning every little thing you do.
Controlling you, etc.....
Absolutely NOT OK!
He is judging you by his own standards.
This screams of projections OP.
He's looking for hook up sex.
His actions are awful and abusive.
I'd get out now.
You get nothing from this relationship now other than stress and feeling trapped.
End it now.
It won't improve.
Do you have DC together?

Original poster
SPP1 · 29/04/2020 09:19

No DC thankfully. Not married.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2020 09:37

OMG - then why are you putting with this???
Get out get out GET OUT!!!!!

foreversville · 29/04/2020 09:41

This is crazy. Just leave.

Original poster
SPP1 · 29/04/2020 09:44

I'm putting up with it because I care about him. I love him but I don't particularly like him anymore. He does nothing to help around the house. Doesn't contribute as much as he could to household bills (then has the nerve to ask me where all my money is going. Apparently I should be able to save thousands like he is doing) They're split 80% me, 20% him.

This, coupled with the feeling of being "trapped" has left me very resentful, and I haven't been able to be intimate or cuddly with him any more.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 10:30

I still can't quite get my head around the kidding incident, but it seems rather irrelevant anyway.

His own behaviour seems to be coincidental, not due to it.

The surveillance etc is weird, disturbing, controlling etc.

I wonder if he's paranoid about you cheating because he is trying to.

Now that you've added that he does fk all around the house, and that he's kind of living off you ....
I think you know the recommendation most people (all?) are going to say here.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 10:30

*kissing

ArriettyJones · 29/04/2020 10:32

No, trust is only ever superficially recovered once broken. People torture themselves for years sometimes trying to reestablish trust. It’s not possible.

I don’t understand why you’d want to stay anyway.

Cher3 · 29/04/2020 10:36

80 percent you. He’s scrounging off you get it together and leave. Not even 50 50 bills this is a joke. Love wth has love got to do with it when you don’t even like the guy.

Menora · 29/04/2020 11:17

Did you post about this before? You got very drunk and kissed someone outside a pub he saw you? Then it got very bad when you got home?
Your relationship sounds pretty bad.., is it worth it anymore?

Original poster
SPP1 · 29/04/2020 11:44

I want to stay because 10 years is a long time to throw away. I'm aware of the sunk cost fallacy though, and with having had a big milestone birthday recently, it's made me realise I don't want to live like this...

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 11:53

If something doesn't work anymore, it's not throwing it away .. it's seeing that it has run its course and is no longer making you happy. Not all relationships are the fifth yr type (in fact I'd say almost no relationships are the fifth year type, women just stayed in them for economic, social, religious etc reasons).

The living off you, not paying his way abd doing nothing around the house .. so you're providing nearly free housing and free domestic labour .. is enough.

That's without the attempting to cheat.

And that's without the freaky controlling surveillance and accusations and suspicions.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 11:54

*fifty

category12 · 29/04/2020 11:56

Oh my god, he's really gone off the deep end to become extremely controlling.

You need to leave him.

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 11:57

Plus you say your sex life has pretty much gone and you don't want to (and who would with a user and someone who's controlling and suspicious etc.) Neither are attractive in general or sexually attractive.

There are other men out there.

Original poster
SPP1 · 29/04/2020 12:13

Another man is the last thing I want right now, can't imagine being with anyone else.

OP posts:
Persiaclementine · 29/04/2020 20:15

I think when trust has been broken, you cant get it back and also you loose respect for them too. Also if you forgive I thibj they loose respect for you.

Jabbercocky · 29/04/2020 20:35

People are casually overlooking:

“there was a drunken incident a few months back where a guy kissed me outside a bar”

Now either this wasn’t consensual, in which case it was an assault, but you do t say it was. Or it was consensual, in which case you snogged a guy in front of your DP and you’re wondering why this has led to a downward spiral of bad behaviour.

So which is it?

GilbertMarkham · 29/04/2020 20:39

Another man is the last thing I want right now, can't imagine being with anyone else.

I was just pointing out that he's a shit partner in many ways (and this behaviour is off the bracket on top of that) and you could get someone who's not if you were to get rid of him .. be sure you seem to be stuck in sunken costs fallacy.

category12 · 29/04/2020 20:40

No, I'm not overlooking it - but it's no excuse for the level of scrutiny OP is under. The answer, if you feel you cannot trust someone, is not to police them and try to control them.

Original poster
SPP1 · 30/04/2020 08:53

Was it consensual? I think that's a difficult one to answer. Excess alcohol has a lot to do with it. If I was sober, I would have pushed him off right away. Because I was pretty drunk, my reactions were slow and my first thought was "wow, I haven't been kissed like this for years!" before common sense kicked in. Only have myself to blame for drinking so much, I admit.

I do feel a little bit stuck. It's so easy just to slip back into routine because it's the norm and safe and comfortable. DP has been chatting away like nothing has happened.

OP posts: