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Original poster

Once the trust is gone, does it ever come back?

65 replies

SPP1 · 29/04/2020 09:03

Just that really.

Been with DP over 10 years but things are not good between us anymore.
Sex and intimacy is gone. We're living like friends. However, I love him and care about him. We get on well and have a laugh.

We had a chat about it at the weekend and things are worse than I previously thought.

For background, there was a drunken incident a few months back where a guy kissed me outside a bar, DP saw, went nuts (understandable). We talked it through, resolved things, or so I thought.

Turns out it's not resolved in his mind at all, he has been checking my phone numerous times, questions me whenever I'm late home from work, questions why I don't text him back while at work "even though he can see I've been online", has walked past my work to check the car is there to make sure I'm actually at work. I got a promotion recently which gives me more responsibility, I love it and it has totally boosted my confidence, which DP doesn't like. He claims it has changed me (it has, i admit). He resents my job.

We have CCTV set up outside our house which was useful at first, but I feel he's been using this to "watch" me. He works nights and if I leave the house for whatever reason after he leaves, even if its just to walk to our front gate, he questions why I've done it.

I'm 99% certain he has cameras inside our home too. He asks me things like how was my bath last night, how was the toast that I had before bed... no idea how he could know this. He claims he can smell it when he comes in from work.

[TMI warning] when we discussed our lack of sex he said "well obviously you still have sexual needs" claims he can "smell" when I've masturbated. Envy Sorry.

It's not all one sided though. He was acting suspiciously with his phone last week and I had a look. Hypocritical, I know. He has been contacting woman to meet for sex. He said this was also a drunken mistake. Claims to have never went through with it.

As I said, I love him and care about him, but this relationship has become a walking disaster. I want to separate. DP thinks we can wipe the slate clean and try again but this won't solve the trust issues, just mask them until the next outburst. I can't live with being watched all the time. I feel trapped.

TL:DR. Can there be a relationship without trust or is it over?

OP posts:
Original poster
SPP1 · 01/05/2020 17:32

Well, he left this afternoon. Back to his mum's. I feel strange. Not sad, not happy. Just strange. I've drank 2 glasses of wine though, and put a load of washing on, and now cooking the dinner we had planned for this evening. Confused

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/05/2020 17:43

Did you/he end the relationship?

Do you earn so much more than him to be paying 80% of the bills?

I definitely think he has a camera in your bedroom. Try and find it.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 17:47

You should 100% leave
It's not ten years wasted, it's ten years you spent with him, with some good parts and some development of yourself. Now you have the rest of your life to live and you don't need to be with someone you don't love or fancy, who controls and spies on you, rinses you dry financially and makes you feel unhappy. Why would you do that?

CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 17:47

Oops I missed your last post!
Bloody good news

Original poster
SPP1 · 01/05/2020 17:53

You're late to the party @CodenameVillanelle but your post was just what I needed. Thank you so much.

Nobody ended it. He asked "Do you want me here?" I said no. He just packed and left. I earn more but only about £600 more, not thousands. I took half of our joint savings out 2 days ago. He was furious about that. I'll be taking this weekend to totally ransack the house.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 01/05/2020 17:58

I don't think the kiss was your fault, the bloke mostly did it to you. And your OH did worse by messaging women for sex.

The monitoring every move and making a point of letting you know he's doing it is really unpleasant.

Please don't have him back. I think you'll soon feel more relaxed without the spying etc.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 17:59

My advice still stands - I expect he'll be back, trying to get his feet back under the table. He won't like paying for himself after so long of you paying for him...

Feel sad, if you want to, but don't mistake feeling sad and missing him for a sign you should have him back.

Original poster
SPP1 · 01/05/2020 18:06

Thank you. I know I will, already am, missing him. But it's only the company I will miss. I lost all my friends when I got together with him, and haven't had the chance to make any more. I used to live alone for years before I met him, and because I had my friends, I didn't feel "lonely".

I enjoy my own company so I hope it won't take much.

He never made it a secret that he was "watching" me. There were questions daily. The first thing I did when he drove off was turn off the CCTV, then I felt guilty and turned it back on again Confused (he can see/watch footage back from his mobile)

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 19:01

Turn it off! Right now. It's scary how much control he has over you.

Ughmaybenot · 01/05/2020 19:16

Well, I think that’s probably the right thing to happen right now, the relationship just couldn’t work long term. You need to turn the cctv off tho, why on earth would you turn it back on??

Lemonlady22 · 01/05/2020 19:19

Sounds like to much hard work on both sides to me....he sees you kissing someone, you see he's messaged someone...don't be together full stop

Original poster
SPP1 · 01/05/2020 20:11

I have absolutely nothing to hide. I'm sitting here in my pyjamas cuddling the dog. I'm just worried/apprehensive that he will see the cameras turned off and rush round here to accuse me of all sorts.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 01/05/2020 20:13

So what if he does?
You have got to decolonise your mind from his control. He has no right to watch you.

GilbertMarkham · 01/05/2020 20:31

He does not have the right to watch you like you're a prisoner in a high security facility.

Too bad - whatever he thinks - he's the one who was trying to contact other people for sex.

walksonthebeach · 01/05/2020 20:38

He's recording you? That is so weird! What are you leaving it on? Are you're getting some sort of thrill out of it? Why are you not creeped out by this?

Babooshkar · 01/05/2020 21:05

Being watched In your own home like this very grim and wrong. This man says things like he can smell when you’ve masturbated - he is utterly vile.

Personally I wouldn’t be surprised if he has all sorts of recordings of you, he may have even uploaded you to porn sites without your knowledge already - especially if he has been recording you in your bedroom.

Sad
Original poster
SPP1 · 02/05/2020 07:22

Just to clarify, I was referring to the CCTV outside in the garden. I don't know for sure if he has cameras inside, I'm only guessing. If I knew about them, of course they'd be ripped out immediately.

OP posts:
Getlostu · 02/05/2020 07:31

Check everywhere for cameras. In light fittings, inside books, vases...

NeighbourPooNameChange · 02/05/2020 07:36

It sounds like the relationship was dead anyway but good luck to you both.

But if my partner snogged another woman in front of me I’d have left them. It’s so disrespectful. And you don’t really seem like you’re owning your behaviour. Nevertheless I don’t think you can come back from a break in trust. Not really.

What will you do about your suspicions about the cameras? Are you sure there aren’t any in the house. You need to find out if there are or there aren’t.

Dontinjectbleach · 02/05/2020 07:37

Your post describes my situation exactly and my DH entered into hook ups etc as a result of my very mild indiscretion, and that spiralled out of control and caused a lot of misery.

I would advise you stay apart, esp. now you've made the break. Check the house and move on. X

ukgift2016 · 02/05/2020 07:37

You need to check the house for cameras, from what you said it seems there are cameras set up in the house.

Original poster
SPP1 · 02/05/2020 08:33

I have searched the house previously but haven't found any. I'll have another look this weekend. Didn't think about light fittings etc.

OP posts:
itswonkylampshade · 02/05/2020 09:12

Isn’t it a criminal offence to spy on someone with these hidden cameras?

A quick google suggests you can locate many hidden cameras using your phone: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.howtogeek.com/411095/how-to-detect-hidden-surveillance-cameras-with-your-phone/amp/

Original poster
SPP1 · 02/05/2020 14:03

I feel sick. @itswonkylampshade I went on that site you linked, followed the instructions and there is an ip camera showing up on my wifi. I didn't want to believe this. I actually think I'm going to throw up.

OP posts:
itswonkylampshade · 02/05/2020 14:12

I think I’d actually report this straight to the police - I know voyeurism is a criminal offence and filming you without your knowledge can’t possibly be legal. Tell them you suspected your husband of spying on you and you have now found out that he’s placed a hidden camera in your home.

I actually feel sick on your behalf. WTAF do these men think they are playing at!? Filming someone in their own home without consent is a total and utter violation.