Once the trust is gone, does it ever come back?

[SPP1]

Just that really.

Been with DP over 10 years but things are not good between us anymore.
Sex and intimacy is gone. We're living like friends. However, I love him and care about him. We get on well and have a laugh.

We had a chat about it at the weekend and things are worse than I previously thought.

For background, there was a drunken incident a few months back where a guy kissed me outside a bar, DP saw, went nuts (understandable). We talked it through, resolved things, or so I thought.

Turns out it's not resolved in his mind at all, he has been checking my phone numerous times, questions me whenever I'm late home from work, questions why I don't text him back while at work "even though he can see I've been online", has walked past my work to check the car is there to make sure I'm actually at work. I got a promotion recently which gives me more responsibility, I love it and it has totally boosted my confidence, which DP doesn't like. He claims it has changed me (it has, i admit). He resents my job.

We have CCTV set up outside our house which was useful at first, but I feel he's been using this to "watch" me. He works nights and if I leave the house for whatever reason after he leaves, even if its just to walk to our front gate, he questions why I've done it.

I'm 99% certain he has cameras inside our home too. He asks me things like how was my bath last night, how was the toast that I had before bed... no idea how he could know this. He claims he can smell it when he comes in from work.

[TMI warning] when we discussed our lack of sex he said "well obviously you still have sexual needs" claims he can "smell" when I've masturbated. Sorry.

It's not all one sided though. He was acting suspiciously with his phone last week and I had a look. Hypocritical, I know. He has been contacting woman to meet for sex. He said this was also a drunken mistake. Claims to have never went through with it.

As I said, I love him and care about him, but this relationship has become a walking disaster. I want to separate. DP thinks we can wipe the slate clean and try again but this won't solve the trust issues, just mask them until the next outburst. I can't live with being watched all the time. I feel trapped.

TL:DR. Can there be a relationship without trust or is it over?

I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to delete apps / videos etc. either: report straight to police so they can check his phone. God knows what else he’s been doing as this shows a real absence of boundaries.

He's on to me already. Its disappeared off the wifi list. Luckily I took a screenshot of it.

Ugh, unbelievable. Think I’d report anyway as he won’t have had the chance to physically remove it, yet.

You can disabled it from there. How are things?

Thank you for checking in.

Well, about 2 hours after my last post, he appeared home again and announced it's his house too, and he's not moving out. Denied all knowledge of what I found, but noticed he activated the camera again the next morning. I've told him enough is enough and I'm moving out. I can't live like this anymore.

Blimey OP.
He really is an utter cunt.
Pack up and get out ASAP.
Do you have somewhere to go?
It could escalate so let someone know what is going on.
If you feel in danger AT ALL, call 999.
I really hope you find some peace soon OP!

Good. Leave him he sounds deranged. Makes me feel sick the thought of all these men putting cameras to spy in their oh. Good luck op.

There does seem to be a few threads about partners recording or spying on their other halves. Its actually quite scary.

I told him I was moving out and therefore he would have to start paying the bills here. Low and behold, he has spoken to his mum and gone back there. God knows what he's playing it. He said he would come back tomorrow to walk the dog, I've said no. We'll see what happens now.

I don't have anywhere I can just pack up and leave to. No parents or siblings. I would have to see about renting somewhere.

This behaviour never gets better, I had an ex who put cameras all over my house. Tracking device on my phone. We didn't live together, I was never even had another man in my house. He was controlling and use to watch my house at night time tell me where I can and cant go knew when I had family and friends visit. I went shopping in the next city and saw him with another woman. I was already in the process of leaving him. I needed my life back and I already knew he didn't love me. I got a restraining order and moved miles away.

Sorry to resurrect a week old thread but I had to tell someone.....
'D'P has been at his mums for a week and I agreed to do a therapy session with him. I made it clear to him that I was doing that as a last chance saloon, and that it wasnt a magic potion, and if he didn't make a real effort, the relationship was over. For good.
So he agreed, I went ahead and arranged an online zoom therapist.

Right from the off, he launched into a tirade of all my failings, trying to get the therapist on his side. I stayed quiet, and let him say his piece. Amazingly the therapist completely overlooked this and rightfully started asking about my feelings when he does or doesn't do this, asked why 'P' doesn't do this. He admitted it's a pride thing why he doesn't pay more of the bills or do more of the housework. He then backpedalled and tried to say the right things by giving it the whole "its because of my (non-existant) traumatic childhood, perhaps I should do more for SPP, maybe I should appreciate her more, maybe I should do this, maybe I shouldn't do that"

And I could not believe it, the therapist saw straight through him! She called him out (in the nicest possible way) about all the "maybe" and "should" and basically (not in so many words) got him to admit that his excuses were just a cop-out.

Once we came off the zoom chat, he started acting all "ok I've done what you wanted, I've done this stupid therapy thing, let's just pretend our problems don't exist now". I booted him straight back to his mum's.

I know this is probably like so what? to people reading this but I can't actually believe it. He gave it his best performance and it didn't actually work on someone!! Someone else knows what I'm dealing with, and knows what he's like, and she saw it straight away! I'm just in shock. For so long I've thought my problems were trivial and I was being too hard on him, and now, I have a trained professional telling me (indirectly ofc) that I'm not crazy! Because she can see it too!

Sorry this is so long but I'm just shocked, overwhelmed and had to get it out there. I'm not in the wrong. This is just, wow.

That's actually a massive big step. It's easy to dismiss advice given here because we don't fully see the whole picture so it's great that a professional saw it and that has made you sit up and realise that you were a bit of a boiled frog.

Is he happy to go to his mums because he's got eyes on you in the house anyway? I do think you might need to get the house fully checked out for spyware. And your phone /laptop as well.

I've checked the whole house, disabled the questionable device which was connected to our Wifi, and I make a point of turning off the garden cameras while I'm at home. I've found and removed his extra garden cams which he didn't tell me about. I can tell by his reaction there are no more hidden ones.

He wasn't happy to go to his mum's initially. He fought hard against it. His parents had a temporary split before though and his dad did the right thing and moved out, so I think his dad gave him the same advice.

life is too short for this shit op

I totally agree @sugartitss it's 100% over now.

my ex husband did that when we went to marriage counselling. She asked us if there had been domestic violence, there had but he denied it so i got up, thanked her for her time, shook her hand and walked out. She followed me outside and told me I was making the right decision as he was a nasty piece of work and wished me all the best.

you only get one life op and it’s for you to live happily, don’t let some piece of shit change that.

wish you all the best