Boundaries between DP and his ex

[Festivalgirl83]

Me and DP have been together almost 2.5 years, all aspects of our relationship are great but we have one main sticking issue that keeps rearing its head and we argue over and that is his ex wife.

They get on very amicably and she is a nice person, however she is extremely controlling and will subtly manipulate and emotionally blackmail DP to get her own way. DP is such a kind and caring person by nature he also bends over backwards to keep the peace and walks on egg shells around her as his deep rooted fear is if he upsets her she could stop contact with his DD.

I have explained she would not do this but it is falling on deaf ears and at the minute he is being emotionally blackmailed to visit his DD at the exes house because she isnt allowing her to come to us as I'm a key worker (NHS).

Many other things have happened over the years which she has tried to control such as ringing the day before we go on holiday to check sleeping arrangements between us and DD.
At the beginning of the relationship she would facetime DP all the time even to just ask a simple question such as what time are you picking DD up? To me that could be a text. I dont understand the facetiming all the time, which is now even worse as he isnt seeing his DD, of course i dont mind but today she is there on FT too speaking.
I've been let down with hospital appointments to accommodate the ex in the past.

My question is how can boundaries be established? I think he is too over friendly, birthday messages on his exes birthday, shopping for her during lockdown...they also used to take DD out every month on a family day which doesnt happen since we became serious but photos I've seen from these days out they look like a happy family all having selfies- this strikes me as extremely odd.

He used to agree boundaries needed to be put in place but now says he doesnt feel he is overstepping any boundaries, I'm so frustrated. This is really driving a wedge between us.
I have two DC as well and an exH who I dont have as good a realtionship with.

If you don’t like him being on good terms with his ex, then break up with him. Don’t try and create disharmony between coparents! Their DD benefits massively from them being friendly. You have no right to get in between.

I don't really see too much of an issue with any of that. Sounds like a great environment for the DD to grow up in.

Is it jealousy on your part? He has a good relationship with his ex but you don't? From what I've read they are not over stepping any boundaries, rather just setting a good example for their child.

She is going to be part of his life at least until their child has grown, and even after that she won't leave the scene completely.

As the step parent you need to find a way to fit in to the family, not the other way around. I became such good friends with my DH's ex that she only bothered contacting me about the kids unless it was a major issue, then she went to him.

Sadly this is not a battle you are going to win.

I'm afraid that you have to accept and appreciate their good relationship. They are co parents and this family relationship isn't going away, and for their DD, it's a real benefit and she's entitled to it.

The fact that you don't have that with your ex probably makes you feel more upset too.

These are difficult, prickly feelings, and many of us with step families and ex wives in the frame have felt this too, in one way or another. Unfortunately though it's just par for the course with bonus families.

If everything else is great, you should stop giving him a hard time over this. Just let it happen, and try to keep out of it/ignore it.

I agree with the others this sounds fine to me. Small children are quite hard work on FaceTime I try to leave my dd to "talk" to her dad now alone a bit (she's 2.5) but sometimes you have to jump in to jolly it all along.

I absolutely would check the sleeping arrangements if he was taking her on holiday as well. How old is his dd?

She is 7. We were taking her away in the UK, my DC didnt come it was just us three and MIL

I do recognise that some of it is hard for me due to my ex being so vile towards me. However, DP often means about how controlling etc she is and it was a large part of why they split but then he doesnt do anything.
Yes the facetiming is hard work sometimes, I often think leave it two days so you have a bit more to talk about as sometimes she isnt interested! Or ring maybe instead of FT.

Does no one think the posing for family selfies is odd?

None of that sounds odd. My DD (ages 9) struggles with phone communication (kids just can’t seem to keep a conversation going) so I tend to dip in and out of her calls with her Dad to help. It means he gets a better chat with her and a 3 way conversation about her Lego or minecraft is easier. She is seeing him for contact and he often asks for additional food items to come with her. I have a better shopping network set up and he’s a bit useless so if it means DD has a nicer time when she’s with him then it’s ok with me. He and I can have a friendly chat and pre COVID he used to stop for a cuppa when he dropped her off.

I divorced him for a reason, that hasn’t changed and I have no intention of ever over stepping the bounds of friendly co-parenting. It’s just better for DD if we get along and helping him out (as he would do for me if I needed help) doesn’t hurt me and models good behaviours for DD.

You sound pretty unreasonable to me. Nothing hints at your partner wanting a sexual or romantic relationship with his ex. He is not neglecting you doing errands for her every 5 minutes. You are jealous and want them not to be friendly. You need to deal with this not ask him to behave like a dick rather than a grown up responsible father!

None of it sounds particularly odd or controlling on the ex's part. You do however sound very insecure.

Hi - I had exactly the same feelings about my partner and his ex...does she have a new partner ?

It’s been 4 years now and has got massively better as Our relationship has become more established (as we got engaged) but also that dp has put in stronger boundaries as he started feeling it didn’t feel right hanging out in the old family unit . They are still amicable but I suppose the difference is that life has moved on. She still doesn’t have a partner though .

I also had a bad break with my ex so I think a lot of my feelings were envy too tbh

It’s really hard !

I agree that they should be amicable for the sake of their child, however, I don’t think you are being unreasonable in some respects, I would not like birthday messages on his exes birthday, shopping for her during lockdown, happy family selfies- this strikes me as extremely odd.
There’s no need for this, if you’re not happy with certain things he’s doing he should respect that, put you first, before her not the child, and realise that she being controlling when she doesn’t need to be

Well, they both sound quite sensible and seem to be putting their child first. I'm not really seeing the issue with it in all honesty.

If you can't handle your partner being on good terms with his ex then you probably need to work on your own self esteem. It isn't for you to decide what the boundary should be, it's for you to decide whether you're comfortable with what they have decided and either accept it or move on.

I grew up with separated parents. I've never known them to not be great friends. We had family days out, my dad was always there on my birthday, and we had a family celebration, same with Christmas day. I've had them both to stay at my house at the same time as an adult too.

I couldn’t live with this and disagree with PP’s saying they can’t see a problem. This is massively intrusive and overstepping the boundaries of your relationship. They’re carrying off as though they’re still together, why bother splitting up in the first place if they’re hell bent on this amount of (unnecessary) contact?

The bottom line is whether he’s willing to put some boundaries in place that you’re comfortable with. If he’s not, you need to decide whether you can live with this setup for years to come.

I had a similar situation and found this article very insightful. It's about being emotionally married despite divorce or separation.

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

Totally agree with @mellowbirds, OP is not saying she disagrees with the contact for their child, she disagrees with the boundaries the ex is overstepping!

I have to say, I don't see an issue with this either but then I guess I am in a similar situation with my ex.

We separated 2.5 years ago and while it was hard and horrible at first (he had an affair), we have gradually got to a point where we are friends. Helped my him ending his relationship with the OW around the same time. We spent some of Christmas day together (I have a bf), we all go out as a family of 4 for a meal for the kid's birthdays and he has been round for dinner (with my bf too).

My bf had a very bad break up with his ex and has nothing to do with her if he can help it so I think he struggled for a while with how well me and ex get on but I've told him, I do it for our kids. They don't know why we separated and I want them to see their parents getting on because despite everything else, us splitting was not their fault and we both love them more than anything. We will always share that.

Me and ex never argued or didn't get on. We were the best of friends for most of our 20+ years together and that is hard to let go of completely, despite how we ended.

Doesn't mean I don't love my bf or want to be with him, but I had/have a family with my ex and that's something I'll never have with anyone else.

Surely the shopping includes stuff for his DD? Maybe it's hard for her to go shopping because of the 1 person only rule?

Facetiming would annoy me. Is she specifically calling your partner, or is his daughter on the call too?

I don't think the 'family' days out were a bad thing at all.

I think he is too over friendly, birthday messages on his exes birthday, shopping for her during lockdown

Neither of those things are abnormal. Neither are having days out with both parents which stopped when you became serious.

I think you’ve got a very different relationship with your ex and it’s colouring your view. If your partner feels she is controlling he needs to discuss that aspect with her, but please don’t push him into abandoning what are perfectly normal aspects of an amicable separated couple!

@Sunshineandflipflops as you say ...

Helped by him ending his relationship with the OW

and there you go, that says it all - hard and horrible while he was with someone else but better after he wasn't with her but you were with your new bf

I agree with @MellowBird85.
There is co parenting and there is co parenting.
The sleeping arrangements on HIS holiday with HIS child are non of her business. He is an adult and father who can make that decision himself without being 'checked up on' like he's incompetent. He's not borrowing his child for a holiday, he is a parent as well who can make a decision such as sleeping arrangement himself.

Why shouldn't he shop for them during lockdown since his own DD will be eating the food? a birthday text is fine, and the selfies are in the past no? During the family days out that no longer happen?

FaceTime is annoying and I hate it when I get drawn into one that doesn't involve me but just keep out of the way when they are doing it. Everything else is you being needlessly insecure.

The DD will get older and contact will naturally reduce between the parents. Don't overthink it.

@ThStuffedPenguin I don't know what you mean? I met my bf almost 2 years after my ex had an affair and our marriage ended.

We were amicable while he was with the OW for the sake of the kids but I can't say we were friends as it was all too raw while she was still around. He's also become a nicer person again since breaking up with her. He has another gf and I have no issue with that or her.

I ended the relationship with the father of my DD and do not love him. However we speak and call each other to discuss arrangements and FaceTime so he can see DD and I’ll ask how he is and sometimes he drops over eggs from his mums farm etc. This to me is healthy and so beneficial for our daughter. It’s hard to understand and I can see why it bothers you. Ultimately it’s not always the mum being controlling or unable to let go it’s just healthy and nice to get along.

If they wanted to be together they would. It’s seems like you are worried or jealous. Don’t be the person that’s makes this an issue you won’t win this.
I’d love to have this relationship with my ex but unfortunately he sounds rather like yours. I completely empathise with you, it’s very difficult.
This child sounds very lucky. The shopping and birthday messages or any of the other stuff. He’s showing his child he cares and of course he should she is reading his child to. It sounds like a very healthy relationship.
Oh and the sleeping arrangements- that would have been a question I’d ask too.

@Festivalgirl83 you are not being unreasonable at all !

I know exactly where you are coming from but my H's ex is either "all on" or "all off" depending on how many of her demands he is obeying ! Currently she's not talking to him so life is much better and children are old enough to communicate themselves.

You don't say if there was a gap between them splitting up and you getting together ? This was the case with me and my H - he had continued to help out at home - mowing the lawn , doing repairs etc and she had got used to having him on call . He did this because his kids were still at home and he knew she would be liable to go off one if he didn't. As the two years passed and they divorced and then he met me and she moved house then he did not do these things . This created a shitstorm . He has learnt now to stand up to her better and she doesn't like it .Texting about kids is fine ( but not always necessary ) - no to FT or other similar. All I can say is that you have to keep on telling him that these things are interfering with your relationship . You are not trying to interfere with the parenting side at all . As I say " you can't get a divorce from a man then expect to keep on using him as a husband" .