Boundaries between DP and his ex

[Festivalgirl83]

Me and DP have been together almost 2.5 years, all aspects of our relationship are great but we have one main sticking issue that keeps rearing its head and we argue over and that is his ex wife.

They get on very amicably and she is a nice person, however she is extremely controlling and will subtly manipulate and emotionally blackmail DP to get her own way. DP is such a kind and caring person by nature he also bends over backwards to keep the peace and walks on egg shells around her as his deep rooted fear is if he upsets her she could stop contact with his DD.

I have explained she would not do this but it is falling on deaf ears and at the minute he is being emotionally blackmailed to visit his DD at the exes house because she isnt allowing her to come to us as I'm a key worker (NHS).

Many other things have happened over the years which she has tried to control such as ringing the day before we go on holiday to check sleeping arrangements between us and DD.
At the beginning of the relationship she would facetime DP all the time even to just ask a simple question such as what time are you picking DD up? To me that could be a text. I dont understand the facetiming all the time, which is now even worse as he isnt seeing his DD, of course i dont mind but today she is there on FT too speaking.
I've been let down with hospital appointments to accommodate the ex in the past.

My question is how can boundaries be established? I think he is too over friendly, birthday messages on his exes birthday, shopping for her during lockdown...they also used to take DD out every month on a family day which doesnt happen since we became serious but photos I've seen from these days out they look like a happy family all having selfies- this strikes me as extremely odd.

He used to agree boundaries needed to be put in place but now says he doesnt feel he is overstepping any boundaries, I'm so frustrated. This is really driving a wedge between us.
I have two DC as well and an exH who I dont have as good a realtionship with.

But there has to be a line somewhere where how involved you get (that's doesn't involve the DC) with your exs life.

There is a massive difference between being amicable co parenting and maintaining a relationship beyond DCs which interferes with the new relationship.

DP himself recognises the ex is controlling and manipulative so why the attacks on OP for being jealous and insecure? Also the becoming clingy because ex can’t see her boyfriend, how is this DP’s problem?

There are ex’s that want to retain that emotional bond either because they still have feelings, or they feel uncomfortable their ex has moved on or simply because they feel entitled to maintaining a certain level of service and financial support and would use the ‘good coparenting’ for these reasons.

Making secret phone calls is silly. This is why clear and fair boundaries are healthy for all involved. New girlfriend needs to respect the relationship between her partner and his children and ex needs to stand on her own two feet and allow her ex to move on.

I agree @Aerial2020 secret phone calls are ridiculous, but that is what it got to.
At one point I was given an allotted time that I was able to call or text about dcs
I understand boundaries in a relationship and I get that some people aren't happy with their partners having contact with an ex even though they have children, but when you have a problem with your partner wishing the mother of his child happy birthday, then you are very insecure.

As I said after years of hard work getting to a point with my own ex that we could be in the same room without arguing, it was all thrown up the wall because his partner didn't like that I was around.

I maybe projecting and I've said this before on here plenty of times, if you cannot handle the fact your partner had a family prior to being with you and that they have a good relationship with his ex, you should not date a man/woman with children.

@Festivalgirl83 have a look at the Step Parenting threads and you will see many more stories like your own . It's not wrong for you to feel this way .

@Notyourmumma

At one point I was given an allotted time that I was able to call or text about dcs

Other than emergencies what is wrong with that ?

@Festivalgirl83

Firstly he got divorced (she I think thought they would just separate )

Asked me to marry him - and personally told her and explained how he felt about me when she was upset about it

Instigated new boundaries - as she is close to his family still, he instigated simple changes such as whoever has the kids attends the event etc

He now says - looking back on the early days of their separation , when I had issues with their contact similar to yours -it was as if they were still married !

Hrh - it’s nice for parents to be amicable but if it impacts badly on your relationship I think should raise it

@TheStuffedPenguin
The issue was that if I text one minute after the allotted time, my calls or texts were not answered until the next day at said allotted time even in an emergency.

I'm not a stalker and had no need to call every 5 mins for tiny reasons, however not being able to contact my childrens father and prior to the situation we're in now a friend when I needed to I find disgraceful.

@LittleWing80
I'm sure not why you've quoted me in your post. I'm agreeing with you?

@SandyY2K
Yes she can try but that's all she can is try. Its not her child he is 'borrowing ' and she decides everything,it is both their child.
That's why boundaries are in place. She can't dictate where he has contact. That is what is absurd. One parent being controlling.

He can't not stand up to her incase she gets pissed off and stops contact. And if that means he would go to court to get it sorted then unfortunately that would happen.
It doesn't sound like the OPs partner has that relationship though.

@Notyourmumma you didn't abide with the agreed times .....well what
do you expect ? Life has to go on in a new household without calls and texts interrupting their life too .However I do feel that if it was a REAL emergency then you should have access.

From what you've said here, it doesn't sound completely over the top. I mean, your DP's ex sounds a little silly- he can visit her and dd at her home but DD can't come to yours because you're an NHS worker. She does know that if you get it, your DP will get it and then HE can pass it to their DD right? But then, this kind of silliness is pretty common and I don't think it's limited to single parents.

I think calling to check on sleeping arrangements, unless there's some specific context (eg DD was unhappy with arrangements, your DP has form for thinking he can get an entirely separate room for DD while you and he go down to restaurant for dinner etc) seems a bit paranoid, but fits with the personality of someone being completely irrational about risk for Covid so I wouldn't take it personally.

The rest is, frankly, perfectly normal and seems healthy for your DP's DD. Doing a bit of shopping for each other is beneficial and lowers the risk as only one party is out at a time rather than both. Also prevents DD form having to be taken to the shop as I assume the ex doesn't have anyone living with her to watch DD while she's shopping? Selfies as a family before you came along again, seems perfectly reasonable. And I suspect a lot of families that successfully co parent start off with more of this type of intimacy that slowly drops off as one or both parents get into relationships (as is happening here).

The FT thing is annoying as f*ck but some people like FaceTime all the time. I'm always surprised at how many people I see out on the street FaceTiming. It's weird. I'd just ignore it and get on with your day. It only becomes a problem if, for example, she is FaceTiming to ask DP to pick up some bread and milk when he comes over later and the call then takes 20 minutes when the two of you were supposed to be doing something together.

@Aerial2020
Sorry I forgot to mention my post ‘I agree with your statement’ :)

@Littlewing
Ah ok 🙂
It just seems the OP is getting a bit of a bashing from some posters when she's only raising some genuine things that are bothering her and feelings around that.
She hasn't come on slagging off anyone laying down the law changes she wants.
It's all new to her and she's finding her way.
By what she wrote anyway, who knows what actually happens in real life off mumsnet.

😂😂 no! I mean when I called and text after my allotted one hour time slot, to let my ex know that our child was in hospital I didn't receive a call back until 6pm the next day. on that particular day I actually needed him to have our other child, but couldn't get hold of him so ended up having to sit in the hospital with two children, one of which had to have an operation.

It is ridiculous, there are plenty of times in a week that I may need to contact him and vise versa when he had the dcs. for instance If i was stuck at work and late to pick up dc from school (he works closer to their school and finishes before me) to see if he could collect them.
You cannot co-parent like that, as I said I may have called him twice in a week, text to keep him updated on what happend at school that day and asked how he was doing. Once a month he would come round and have dinner with the dc and my own partner at the time, so what is the issue with remaining like that?

I re read the original post and realised its been 2.5 years so it's not all new.
Its hard to keep track!

None of those things are odd to me
I would check sleeping arrangements to ensure my child wasnt sharing a bed with an unrelated adult. Tbh I don't want my child sharing a bed with anyone other than his parents and after 4 or 5 only when absolutely necessary⁴

YABU

@Notyourmumma

So what did he say when he found out it was an emergency?

Was the time slot his idea or his new partner's idea?

I do wonder if men feel this way about the ExH calling, or is it just women with these feelings.

@SandyY2k

He told me to tell ds to "drink plenty of water" and "he would see him soon" that was 5 months ago.

The time slot was very much her idea, the woman is very manipulative as much as he is feckless! Honestly if I really went into all the things that happened it would make your hair curl

I do think some men do think like this, others like my ex I believe just wants an easy life and as I'm no longer the one giving him a free ride then guess who has to go?! But what I will never understand is why they wreck their relationships with their children, very sad.