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Original poster

Boundaries between DP and his ex

67 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 29/04/2020 03:20

Me and DP have been together almost 2.5 years, all aspects of our relationship are great but we have one main sticking issue that keeps rearing its head and we argue over and that is his ex wife.

They get on very amicably and she is a nice person, however she is extremely controlling and will subtly manipulate and emotionally blackmail DP to get her own way. DP is such a kind and caring person by nature he also bends over backwards to keep the peace and walks on egg shells around her as his deep rooted fear is if he upsets her she could stop contact with his DD.

I have explained she would not do this but it is falling on deaf ears and at the minute he is being emotionally blackmailed to visit his DD at the exes house because she isnt allowing her to come to us as I'm a key worker (NHS).

Many other things have happened over the years which she has tried to control such as ringing the day before we go on holiday to check sleeping arrangements between us and DD.
At the beginning of the relationship she would facetime DP all the time even to just ask a simple question such as what time are you picking DD up? To me that could be a text. I dont understand the facetiming all the time, which is now even worse as he isnt seeing his DD, of course i dont mind but today she is there on FT too speaking.
I've been let down with hospital appointments to accommodate the ex in the past.

My question is how can boundaries be established? I think he is too over friendly, birthday messages on his exes birthday, shopping for her during lockdown...they also used to take DD out every month on a family day which doesnt happen since we became serious but photos I've seen from these days out they look like a happy family all having selfies- this strikes me as extremely odd.

He used to agree boundaries needed to be put in place but now says he doesnt feel he is overstepping any boundaries, I'm so frustrated. This is really driving a wedge between us.
I have two DC as well and an exH who I dont have as good a realtionship with.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 09:00

@Sunshineandflipflops

I am merely quoting from your post

We separated 2.5 years ago and while it was hard and horrible at first (he had an affair), we have gradually got to a point where we are friends. Helped my him ending his relationship with the OW around the same time

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/04/2020 09:13

@TheStuffedPenguin Ok...I just didn't understand what the Hmm face was for.

Mikki2019 · 29/04/2020 09:36

@Festivalgirl83 now after four years and with better boundaries , dp says he can see it wasn’t right

He’s now glad there are boundaries and still gets on with his ex . If it makes you feel uncomfortable then he should address it, I think.

It would have been much easier if she had met someone too tbh

RLEOM · 29/04/2020 09:42

Some say she shouldn't have asked about sleeping arrangements for the holiday but I disagree. She has every right to ask if it's a concern. My ex is a great dad, makes mistakes like all humans, but if something makes me uncomfortable, I ask, and as the other parent to our child, I have every right to.

I'm disgusted that you would interpret her not allowing her children around a NHS worker as emotional blackmail. This is her child and she will protect them to the death, especially when it comes to a deadly pandemic. In her eyes, you are a threat to her child's life, and because you're only her ex's partner, you are irrelevant when it comes to contact. I can see why she's keeping her child away. Sounds harsh but that's parenting for you!

I'm not saying she's not a pain, I'm not saying she's not controlling, but I don't think you're ready for good coparenting as your jealousy over it is too much. You should be praising him for helping his ex with shopping - imagine if you had a child with him and split up, surely you'd want him to be good at coparenting instead of being a selfish, awkward asshole?

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 11:27

@Sunshineandflipflops The Hmm face was because you didn't get on with him while he was with the OW but him stopping seeing her made it better for you . To me this reflects how many exes are - it's all fine and dandy until their ex decides to move on with someone new and then all hell breaks loose .

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 11:29

@RLEOM

exes are not there to go shopping for you , fix your shower , cut your grass , walk your dog, paint your bathroom. When you get divorced you pull on your big girl pants and do these things yourself or pay someone to do it . Having a child with someone is not a free ticket for the rest of your life!

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/04/2020 11:39

@TheStuffedPenguin Ok, but that's not what I was saying. My ex didn't 'move on' with someone else, he had an affair and when I told him to leave, he stayed with her. When he broke up with her it got better between us because I wasn't so full of bitterness and anger and he turned into a nicer human being. I then met my bf around the same time he broke up with her and things are still fine between us. As I said, I believe he has a new gf and I don't have an issue and we still get on fine.

LittleWing80 · 29/04/2020 11:52

Having a child with someone is not a free ticket for the rest of your life!

Amen to that 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

OP you are not unreasonable. Your DP’s priority is and should remain his DD. AFTER THAT, he should put your feelings before his ex’s needs, especially if he sees she is using their DD to cling onto a relationship with him.

You can see from some of the comments that some women are bitter about the fact their ex have moved on. He needs to step up and recognise you need boundaries. Good luck 💐

Techway · 29/04/2020 12:06

None of these are major issues. Wishing her a happy birthday is just being civil and the sleeping arrangements question could have been because their daughter was concerned.

Perhaps rather than get upset at the contact put it into perspective, how much time day or week is this? It is probadly no more than an hour in total? If you view it as co parenting investment time then it isn't unreasonable.

I think it says alot about your bf, if he has an amicable relationship with his Ex. It means he is likely to treat you with respect if you separated.

Aerial2020 · 29/04/2020 12:42

@RLEOM
But why would it be a concern? If he's an adult and a father, he can make those decisions himself about his holiday for his child. If you trust him to take the child on holiday, surely sleeping arrangements wouldn't be a concern because you know he's capable of working that out for himself.
I don't understand when with co parenting, one parent (in this case the mother) treats the other parent like someone who is incompetent of sorting that out himself. They are both grown ups?

MarieQueenofScots · 29/04/2020 12:43

You can see from some of the comments that some women are bitter about the fact their ex have moved on

And shopping and a happy birthday text is a sign of that? 😂

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 29/04/2020 12:44

@Mikki2019 yes the ex has a BF she has been seeing for around six months. She has no contact at the moment with him due to lockdown so I feel contact with my DP has been intensified.
They had been separated for four years before we met and he had the odd girlfriend in between but nothing that lasted more than a couple of months.

Can I ask what boundaries did your partner put in place?

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 29/04/2020 12:45

I'm grateful for everyone's replies, I understand my judgment may be clouded as my ex is such an a**e and I wish my DC had a better Dad. I guess I also feel insecure, I dont want to be so how can I work on this?

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/04/2020 12:45

If that's how they choose to co parent and the partner doesn't have a problem with it, then that's between them.
I don't think the OP is 'jealous ' because shes noticed what she feels is lack of boundaries. As long as it can work both ways and when she has a partner, she can have the calls, and questions.
It's finding a balance of co parenting that works for them and respects their privacy of each others lives as they are not together anymore. Some things are private.

Notyourmumma · 29/04/2020 13:11

I think you sound very insecure, I used to have a very amicable relationship with my ex and done alot of the things you have described in your OP and it benefited our dc.
3 years ago he got together with his partner who took an instant dislike to me and the relationship we had, she created such a fuss that it got to the point where he had to make secret phone calls to our dc when walking their dog, or when she was at work now 3 years later I have no communication with my ex at all!
My dc barely see him and they have had one phone call within the last 6 months.

It's sad that I now feel so much contempt towards him for putting her first and destroying the relationship he had with our dcs and myself.
Its definitely not all her fault, as their father he should be standing up and not letting anyone get in between the relationship he has with his children.

So tread very carefully, if they get on and their dc are happy then you should be happy for all concerned.

Aerial2020 · 29/04/2020 13:25

But that's the thing though isn't it? That's the balance. Secret phone calls is ridiculou. It's important to get on for your children and act like adults.
But there has to be a line somewhere where how involved you get (that's doesn't involve the DC) with your exs life.
I think the OP is asking about that line and shes getting blamed of being 'insecure' and 'jealous ' when her feelings seem perfectly normal.
The OP also said the exs behaviour has increased since not being able to see her boyf due to lockdown and she's asking how to handle that.

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 13:32

Take a big step back, stop talking to him about it and get on with life, whilst ignoring the Ex and leaving your DP to it.

The next time he has a moan to you about the fact that she is controlling, wait until he is finished and then tell him that he was the one that said that he didn't need to put boundaries in place. And if that is still the case then he needs to shut up and put up with her, because you aren't interested in being used as his sounding board if he's not prepared to do anything about it.

maddy68 · 29/04/2020 13:36

This is a non issue. The ex is right , she should visit there for the time being. It's good that they have a good relationship. They are both parents to his child you sound as if you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with a child tbh as you don't seem to understand the level of involvement required

SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 13:41

@TheStuffedPenguin
Of course she didn't get on with him, following an affair where he left. Nothing unusual about that.
Your posts towards
@Sunshineandflipflops don't make sense, in the context of this thread.

Moving on, is not the same as having an affair, or did you miss that part of her post.

OllyBJolly · 29/04/2020 13:48

You sound very insecure and a bit controlling. It's great they co parent so well. That's so positive for their children. I'm sorry your relationship with your ex isn't good; that's a pity for your DC.

I don't think they have overstepped the mark. It's lovely that the child will have photos of both parents. It's great that he respects the mother of his child and wishes her happy birthday. The shopping may well have been for both of them. If he is happy with facetiming then that's absolutely fine.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 13:48

I don't see a massive issue here OP. I agree that the constant facetiming would irritate me and perhaps the family day out selfies...but it's for their DD.

I do agree that because your Ex isn't as good a dad as you'd like, you feel a bit jealous.

Your DP doesn't see it as an issue, so leave it be. You don't want him to end telling his Ex you feel uncomfortable/insecure about the contact so he has to stop.

If that happens, the Ex could stop the DD coming to your house even after lockdown and visits will be at her house....making you even more insecure.

Raella50 · 29/04/2020 13:53

It sounds like a they’re have an lovely, amicable coparenting relationship and you are jealous of that. Please get a grip and stop worrying over things like this. He’s your partner but he was a dad before he even met you and is fostering a good relationship with his daughter’s mother for her benefit. You are all family in a way. You seem to only want him to enjoy family time with you and the dc but youurnluves are more complex than the typical nuclear family of two parents and their shared here. He already has ties to his daughter and ex, why should he not? Can you not just relax and support them in having a bond? It’s not a threat to you. Life is so much more enjoyable when we all just get along.

Aerial2020 · 29/04/2020 13:56

No she can't stop the DD going to the exs house. She can't stop contact (after lockdown) like that.
If both parents have custody, it doesn't work like that.
She can't make contact at her house, that's absurd

GammaRays · 29/04/2020 14:03

I wish my DS could have me and his father being like that, but unfortunately his father became an abusive arsehole. IMO, his DD is very lucky and her parents are BOTH there for her. Let it be.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 14:12

No she can't stop the DD going to the exs house. She can't stop contact (after lockdown) like that.

She can certainly try. Won't be the first or the last.

If both parents have custody, it doesn't work like that.

It shouldn't work like that legally, but it sounds like he does what she says and wouldn't want a lengthy court battle.

All while he doesn't get to see his DD.

Based on what's been said and their amicable relationship...he'll agree to what she says.