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Original poster

Boyfriend wants to move in together but he doesn't love me?

95 replies

meme798 · 28/04/2020 19:50

My boyfriend (29) and I (30) have been together for over a year. A few months ago I told him that I loved him - he didn't respond in the same way. He said it isn't a word he just throws around - I never mentioned it again. Now he talks about buying a house together - taking the next step in our relationship and moving in together. I own a home and I have a daughter (her father is not involved at all). He lives with his parents. He doesn't want to move into my house and I don't want to move out if there is no commitment. I love him and don't want to push him away but am unsure of what to do ....

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 28/04/2020 20:44

He is assuming you are grateful for any relationship and he is abusing you imo.
Get rid op.

Eddielzzard · 28/04/2020 20:45

oh god he'll be cock lodging before you know it. Bloody hell why should you risk everything?

NoProblem123 · 28/04/2020 20:46

I think you can do much better.

RantyAnty · 28/04/2020 20:47

LTB
Supposedly making good money but has no savings.
Cant even say he loves you. (He doesn't)
Him knowing your background made it easy for him to use you. You cant be sure he didn't plan it that way.
LTB

FallonSwift · 28/04/2020 20:47

I'm clearly at a point in my life where I want someone who will settle with me but about a month ago he told me that even 2 years is not long enough to know if you want to marry someone which, to me, is absurd....

Translation: I don't love you but I am marking time with you until someone better comes along. In the meantime I'll use what I can get from you.

category12 · 28/04/2020 20:50

he knows my background stories and the last 2 previous really shitty relationships I was in I thought he would acknowledge that and do better.

No, it doesn't work like that. Instead, he thinks that your standards will be low and your boundaries are poor, and you will tolerate a lot of unsatisfactory behaviours - and he's not wrong, really, is he?

What you need to do, is:
a. get shot of him
b. do the Freedom Programme ( www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ ) or similar and build yourself a better shark-cage ( www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ ).

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2020 20:51

He shows up without saying at which point you say 'why are you here, did we make plans that I've forgotten about '? Or do you quietly let him in, let him stay all weekend, feed him and shag him?

DPotter · 28/04/2020 20:55

Sorry - it's sad when you care for someone who doesn't care for you in return, but hasn't got the decency to leave you so you can recover and move on.

There is a big difference between knowing someone socially as a friend and having a romantic relationship with that person. The friendship makes you think you know them, but actually once you become romantically involved, all past experience with that person counts for nothing.

He is using you - turning up, without arrangement for the weekend. Does he pay his way, does he bring dinner, wine, flowers, breakfast every weekend ? He should be contributing some way - if he's not - definitely cocklodger.
Time to draw a line; this weekend or one soon - tell him he can't come and stay. Break the cycle. And let him know he needs to start paying his way. I may be wrong, but I think (and I think a fair few others on this post may agree with me) that he wont hang about once you start asserting yourself.

Aerial2020 · 28/04/2020 20:56

Meh. He sounds very 'luke warm' about you.
That's not enough

rosabug · 28/04/2020 20:58

What do you think you mean by 'commitment'?? Think about it...

The illusory holy grail "commitment" "forever" -? LOL. Stop looking for safety where it isn't.

And what if he did say he loved you? You'd just jump in feet first? double LOL.

My advice: Whether he says he loves you or not - don't sign away your financial independence for anyone and especially not for 'love'.

Safety and a happy future lies with self-respect. not men. not 'love'. not 'commitment'.

Womenwotlunch · 28/04/2020 21:00

I am not going to give you anymore reasons for getting rid of this man, other posters have done this.
Just tell him that things are not working and you want to end the relationship

Original poster
meme798 · 28/04/2020 21:00

No he just shows up on Friday nights at whatever hour of the night - usually between 10 and 12 - breakfast, lunch and dinner is cooked here - he does run out for grocery some times but usually I am the one who goes food shopping. No flowers, he is not an affectionate person .... Sundays he leaves at about 5 to play video games with his cousin.

OP posts:
Original poster
meme798 · 28/04/2020 21:01

Safety and a happy future lies with self-respect. not men. not 'love'. not 'commitment'

This is so true ...

OP posts:
Djchickpea · 28/04/2020 21:02

Really?

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2020 21:03

Oh christ just leave the cocklodger and get some self respect.

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2020 21:06

You need to say "my money, my property, why should I share ANY of it with you".

KitchenConfidential · 28/04/2020 21:06

Fuxk me. Why have you put up with this for as long as you have?!!!!
You and your daughter are worth may more than this. I would also strongly consider a bit of therapy to work on your self esteem and possibly even the freedom project.

DPotter · 28/04/2020 21:09

So you tell him tonight / tomorrow - don't come this weekend.

He is expecting you to pay - for his food, his entertainment and his accommodation - knock it on the head.

A quick text will do.

Standrewsschool · 28/04/2020 21:10

Why don’t you rent together before buying? If you do buy, rent out your house as a safety net.

FourDecades · 28/04/2020 21:11

Good grief @meme798 he get's worse with every update!

He is just out for what he can get. .... and that is the financial security of your house.

He doesn't even treat you well!!

Time to show your DD what a strong and independent woman you are and finish it

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/04/2020 21:12

Oh lords please dump him. He brings literally nothing to your relationship. Cocklodger, living with family yet no savings, wants you to give up your financial security to get him on the property ladder, won’t say he loves you but happy to use you for his own gain.

Oh lovely, please show him the door, before he has you financially entangled to the disadvantage of your dc.

PerfidiousAlbion · 28/04/2020 21:13

Oh, meme, he sounds awful.

So he turns up at past bedtime - so you have to wait up for him - presumably sleep with him without much preamble, you buy and cook his meals for the weekend and then he hops off to play with his mates on Sunday night?

God, where’s the romance? Be still my beating heart!

At 12 minths in, he should be wooing you, taking you out, cooking for YOU, telling you how much he lives you and how excited he is to spend his future with you.

Instead, he treats you like a knocking shop / B&B.

Do you do his laundry? Buy presents for his family?

Yankathebear · 28/04/2020 21:17

You were friends and he still sees you that way.

TorkTorkBam · 28/04/2020 21:23

You write that you don't want to push him away. Why not? What is so utterly amazing about him that you'd tolerate and even welcome this level of disrespect

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2020 21:23

You were friends and he still sees you that way.

My friends treat me better than this.