Is it me or DP

[Neatfreak95]

Long time lurker but never posted before.

My DP and I are both early mid twenties and have been together just under 4 years. We are very happy but there is one thing that is constantly causing an argument between us. Money

When we first got together DP decided to go back and get an apprenticeship and had to move out of his families home and into a flat share that was closer to his work. As he didn't prepare financially to do this I gave him money for a deposit and helped him with bills on the condition that he pays me back what he owed me on a regular basis.

Fast forward to now and it has built up to around 4500. I haven't kept a proper track of it but I know if I did I would be heart broken. He has only paid me back around 500 so far in 3ish years. Every time I bring it up it gets made into an argument. I honestly love him so much and I know he loves me too but it feels like he has no respect for me at all. We don't live together but we are looking into it in the next few months when this all quietens down a bit.

In my eyes if you have enough money to be spending it on nights out and a box of fags a day you should prioritise paying a person back first. Saying that though I know we are a team and if we do eventually move in together and get married it won't matter that much in the end. I feel greedy for asking for it but it pisses me off when I can't afford to go out for dinner with the girls because I have lent him money the week before so he can pay a bill because he spent all his wages on fags and drink.

When we do fight he escalates it and gets really upset and tells me he will give me whatever he has in his bank account but i say no when I know he won't have anything left until payday so he won't be able to afford food or petrol. But a week after the fight I get nothing again until we have another one about it.

Sorry if its a bit messy but I am just so annoyed about it right now. I just need advice, do I write it all off as we are a couple and this is what couples do or confront him one last time

What does he say when you ask him about it? Is he earning decently now?

You're not a team, he's taking the piss out of you. How can he love you when he doesn't respect you?

You may never get this back but don't give up speaking to him as if you expect it. Stop giving him any more. The bank is shut. I think it was a mistake. He may have seen you coming. Not long after you got together he made changes to his life based on money from you? I smell fish.

I doubt you'll ever see that money again. He'll keep bleeding you dry forever if you stay with him. You'll be too broke to buy yourself a new bra and worrying about how to pay the nursery bill while he goes out on the piss every weekend and he'll call you a nag if you ask him to contribute.

I think its shameful and dishonourable to treat you in this way. I have my doubts as to whether you will ever see this money. You should try to list all the itemised spends and then get him to sign some kind of repayment plan. At least then if it all goes tits up, you can launch a civil claim. As it is now, its looking a bit flakey.

I would want a repayment plan in place.
You need to sit down together and look at his incomings vs outgoings and see what he can afford to pay you monthly.
If he won't do this then please never move in with him.
He seems to think the world owes him a favour.
Don't allow the sit down to become distracted all.
Focus and make it put everything down.
He will need bank statements.
But honestly.
Is it worth it?
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
You do NOT want to spend it worrying about money all the time.
Which you will if you stay with this pisstaker!

You need to write something off, but it's the relationship rather than the cash.

Do you have anything in writing (including text messages/emails) that he has agreed the money as a LOAN rather than a gift?

Here's what I'd do next time he asks for money.
Him: Oh babe, I'm sooo skint but my rent is due, please can you sub me £50?
Me: No sorry, I'm skint myself.
Him: OMG babe I wouldn't ask but I'm so desparate, why haven't you got any money?
Me: Same reason as you haven't. I spent it. I told you last month I couldn't keep lending you money when you owe me well over £4000 and are making no effort to repay it.
Him: Oh my god, I'll just give you everything in my bank account as you obviously want me to STARVE.
Me: Great, can you transfer that now please?

Ignore everything after that, just repeating "I'll text you back when the money's in, thanks."

This man has been playing you for a fool for YEARS. You are never going to get that money back. He is never going to move in - he's enjoying his single lifestyle, which most probably involves fucking other women, subsidised by you.

Don't move in with him!

So you're still lending him money regularly? He pisses his wages and you bail him out time and time again? For FOUR fucking years.

Is he still an apprentice? Or has je now got a decent wage and hasn't changed? An adult who wanted to support himself would have prosponed his apprenticeship until he could afford it. But no, he walked blindly from his parents home to you subsidising him. Quite happily. No guilt. And still doesn't.

You had only just got together and you lent him lots of money because he hasn't sorted himself out. And he still hasn't! He's not mature enough to budget his wages and you've allowed him to use you as a cash machine.

Believe me this will be much worse if you live together. Being a team is not one person living off the other! You'll be stuck at home broke while he ponces off you. What happens if you have kids? You scraping pennies together while he spends his AND YOURS like water?

You're right he has no respect for you. You bring up the 'loan' and he makes a dramatic fake offer. You back down and he does exactly nothing.

You sre the goose that lays the golden eggs. He does not see this money as loans, he sees it as extensions to his wages. He'll never repay you and this will continue as long as you're with him.

Next time he offers the money on his bank account try accepting it. I guarantee he's bluffing.

Financial issues are one or the main reasons for divorce. Stop thinking you're a team. It's all team him!

Do not move in with this man!! No, no - just don't. The financial abuse will only get worse.

If you have documented evidence of the money you lent him, you might possibly perhaps be able to get some of it back via the Small Claims Court. Though in practice this seems unlikely.

Time to cut your losses. Financial abuse is on a par with emotional abuse. This relationship will not get better and will never be good enough. And I'd bin him solely on the basis of the packet of cigarettes he smokes every day. Yuck!

Stop bailing him out all the time - how is he ever going to learn to manage his money if you're playing mummy?

"Sorry love, no, you know you never pay me back". On repeat.

You shouldn't even have to ask or mention it. A decent partner or even a decent friend would be the one offering to pay it back and giving it.

Obviously, don't lend him any more.

I reckon if you stop being 'the bank of girlfriend' he won't be quite as fond of you.

You don't live together- if he's crap with money and can't budget, that's his problem as a grown-up. If he spends all his money so he can't afford fags or whatever, then he'll just have to live without until he can afford it (he'd have a lot more money if he gave up smoking of course.)

Please don't move in with him, there's a high risk he'll be even more of a cocklodger, or fuck up in some way.

EverMoreFurious has a good plan- when he says that call his bluff. I bet you wouldn't get anything like what was really in his account anyway.

I hate to say this but he's not a good partner OP.

He has no intention of ever paying you back and you are making it worse by saying no whenever he offers you the contents of his bank account.
What you are saying to him is:
"I want the money back, no I don't want it back". No wonder he is confused.
Men are black and white, do you want it back or not.
Tell him you are sick of begging for your money back. You want a standing order for a certain amount on his pay day, no excuses and make him set up the standing order from his account.
If he reneges on that dump him and take him to the small claims court.

Thank you all for the replies. I'm not making excuses but he didn't have the best start growing up and he wasn't pushed to make something of himself. When we met i told him what my expectations were and if he wanted to have a future with me he would want to up his game and get his shit together. I am in a way better financial place then him due to an inheritance but we earn around the same amount. I am very big on budgets and savings and quite strict with my money in a way I would only give him what I could afford so that if its only 50 here or 20 there I could afford to lose it. So it was all money for treats for myself. But it all adds up and that is what is catching me. He honestly loves me and cares for me I know 100% he does. If we go out we split it. When i bring it up he tries to put it back on me saying that it is because I want to go out on dates and I want to do this or that and he spends all his money on that . He never directly asks for money and tries to hide it when he is stuck but it is only when I push him because I'm suspicious is when I find out he is behind on bills or he owes someone something. In the last 6 months I have only given him money once but it was for 700 for his insurance but it was because his parents told him that they were going to give him the money for Christmas but then changed their minds and he got nothing so I told him I would pay if he would pay me back and this was the last time that I was giving him money. He does smoke a pack a day but only goes out for drinks once a month roughly besides that he doesn't spend it on much else.

I've a horrible feeling you'll never see that money again.

Write the money off and dump him, he's a loser
He has no integrity because he's making no efforts to repay you. Stop being a mug

Take a step back. No matter how much he loves you he has allowed you to become Bank of Mum and Dad... Not really the sexiest of roles in life, is it?

He will really resent you for asking to be paid back too... If you really loved him it wouldn't be an issue, especially as you say it was in dribs and drabs.

Leave him to it. Give him a breakdown of how much he has borrowed and tell him that he really isn't worth it!

I would tell him that you are going to forget about what he owes you but that you won't give him anymore. What a good compromise. You clearly love him and if this is the only issue then solve it. It's just money. I'm sure one day he will contribute more - perhaps when you're on maternity leave for example.

He doesn't love you. He loves your money. Don't marry him for gods sake.

OMG - ignore LiteraryType - that is absolutely terrible advice.

Don't for God's sake move in with him, he will drag you down with him

And you are making excuses for him btw.

Thanks everyone for the advice. He will be home from work soon and is staying at mine for the moment but he is contributing his share such as buying food, helping cleaning up around the place. He honestly isn't a bad guy but what I am gonna do is talk to him tonight. I will give him the ultimatium that he starts a Standing order to my account every week for a certain amount or its over. I am luckily in the position that I can afford to write off the money. He didn't know how well off I was until a few months into the relationship as I never told him and he doesn't know that I have received an inheritance or a nice bit of savings in my account. The money is never the issue it's the fact that he doesn't make an effort to pay me back is the problem in my eyes.

But he didn't get his shit together though did he? He got your shit together into his spending routine.

You make the same money and split the cost of dates, but you have money left to live on and he doesn't. And he has the cheek to blame you and your date expectations. Has he ever ONCE said he couldn't go out on a date because he had bills to pay? Suggest dinner in instead?. Sat down and worked out his budget, let alone stuck to it? And why would he? When he has a piggy bank handing him £50s?

To the tune of £4.5k. That's over a thousand a year. That's not £20 here and there. That's a nice regular £90 a month. And you know you're way underestimating that £4.5k!!

He needed money for his insurance - a yearly occurrence so it was hardly a surprise - but instead of saving it he was depending on cash from bank of parents. They didn't cough up so you were his next bank stop. You say you've only had to give him money once is 6 months like we should be impressed he hasn't been cadging off you regularly! But that one time was £700 bloody quid. SEVEN HUNDRED!

Does he by chance 'borrow' money for his parents too? Or regularly expect them to come up with money to pay for things that other grownups pay themselves?

Take the blinkers off. Love DOES NOT conquer all. You are not a team. You are a bank. He is a immature spongers. He might be a lovely sponger, but he's still a sponger. You move him in and he'll upgrade to cocklodger dam quick!

This will never work.
He (and his family? Perhaps that is why Christmas money didn't materialise) sees you as a cash machine.
You are not equals and do not have shared values, love is not enough!
You have your entire life ahead of you, you are young, go and live your life!

Oh dear OP. Just echoing what most of the pp have said on here. Do NOT move in with him. It will be the worst decision you would ever make.

I know what you are saying that it's not the money, it's the fact he turns it into an argument when you ask for YOUR money back. That's called gaslighting. You are being a nuisance to him by asking for it back. HOW DARE YOU! SHUT UP YOU NAG!

I think you've been a bit of a mug as you will never see that money again.

If you live together, he will bleed you dry and once you're financially entwined, after you have been the one to put a deposit on a house, because he won't put any money in, or will put minimal in and get his name on the mortgage, it will be so much harder to leave.

He honestly loves me and cares for me I know 100% he does

I don't want to be horrible here but I wonder how much he'd care for you if you had refused to give him a penny. And I wonder how much more he'd care for you if he knew how much money you had.

He's a user, OP. He hints, borrows and blames you.

Take the blinders off, op. He has played you for an absolute fool, and I predict when you demand that money and shut off the tap, he'll be long gone. He doesn't respect you at all. He uses you. If you had the years behind you, wisdom, and experience many of us on mn do, you would see this relationship very clearly for what it is. It's a dead end.