Is it me or DP

[Neatfreak95]

Long time lurker but never posted before.

My DP and I are both early mid twenties and have been together just under 4 years. We are very happy but there is one thing that is constantly causing an argument between us. Money

When we first got together DP decided to go back and get an apprenticeship and had to move out of his families home and into a flat share that was closer to his work. As he didn't prepare financially to do this I gave him money for a deposit and helped him with bills on the condition that he pays me back what he owed me on a regular basis.

Fast forward to now and it has built up to around 4500. I haven't kept a proper track of it but I know if I did I would be heart broken. He has only paid me back around 500 so far in 3ish years. Every time I bring it up it gets made into an argument. I honestly love him so much and I know he loves me too but it feels like he has no respect for me at all. We don't live together but we are looking into it in the next few months when this all quietens down a bit.

In my eyes if you have enough money to be spending it on nights out and a box of fags a day you should prioritise paying a person back first. Saying that though I know we are a team and if we do eventually move in together and get married it won't matter that much in the end. I feel greedy for asking for it but it pisses me off when I can't afford to go out for dinner with the girls because I have lent him money the week before so he can pay a bill because he spent all his wages on fags and drink.

When we do fight he escalates it and gets really upset and tells me he will give me whatever he has in his bank account but i say no when I know he won't have anything left until payday so he won't be able to afford food or petrol. But a week after the fight I get nothing again until we have another one about it.

Sorry if its a bit messy but I am just so annoyed about it right now. I just need advice, do I write it all off as we are a couple and this is what couples do or confront him one last time

Saying that though I know we are a team

No you are not, you are his bank.

When we met i told him what my expectations were and if he wanted to have a future with me he would want to up his game and get his shit together.

But in all these years he hasn't, has he? Yet you are still with him for all you said.

This is a really unpleasant way to treat someone. If he had an ounce of decency he’d be paying you back instead of constantly having his hand out to you, and he has his hand out. He knows you will offer so can give you the sob story and you’ll be doling out that cash. The shame of taking it from you and not paying back, you’re in for a life time of this, him living beyond his means and him putting his hand out.

You need to stop lending him now. Let him borrow from others and ignore it, demand the repayment. Let him sort his own mess out and stop being a sucker for it.

I did this with boyfriends. Twice. Both for thousands I didn’t have.
I was young, foolish and a pushover. I never got a penny back and it escalated my debts. In brutal honesty, I was so desperate to be loved and to feel I was in a relationship, I completely facilitated it.
This will not work long term. Someone having no money is tough but doable. Someone who has no respect for you, not so much.
Write it off, move on and up.

Never move in with him OP. He clearly can't prioritize and manage his earnings. You'll end up forking out for most of the household bills yourself.

Absolutely do not move in with him! And what ever you do don't have kids with him! Having children puts a woman on the back foot financially and he clearly won't be able to support you as he is sponging off you now.
You aren't a team - because sadly he isn't playing as a team member. He is taking advantage of you and treating you with little respect.
I am sorry to say this as I know you love him - but I think if you stay with him in 5-10 years time you will kick yourself

Thank you all for the replies. I'm not making excuses but he didn't have the best start growing up and he wasn't pushed to make something of himself. When we met i told him what my expectations were and if he wanted to have a future with me he would want to up his game and get his shit together
He didn't have a great start in life and you have decided to save him - why would you decide to take on someone like this?
You were going to be his saviour.
However he has conned you into keeping him.
I honestly don't think he loves you. You wouldn't take 4,500 from someone you love without being totally upset and trying to pay it back as soon as.
This is not a good relationship. This is not a nice guy. Admit to yourself your good intentions have failed. Look at yourself to see why you were attracted to someone who needed you to save them. And don't do it again.

Two people I can think of in this situation in the past. One came into some money. Met a guy, of course told him about the money. He had huge debts. She was crazy about him, she paid off ALL his debts , they struck up a repayment agreement. She caught him texting another woman very soon after. Came home one day, all his stuff gone. She of course never saw a penny of what he owed her and it was thousands!

Other person, moved a Cocklodger in and he never stuck at a job, so she kept him. She let him do all the money HER money. He didn't pay a penny, took what was meant for bills and fucked off.

Don't do this to yourself. A decent man won't let you keep him or take money from you.

He does know that you are well off. He has picked up on your casual attitude to your money and is joining in for all he's worth.

You have tried to use your money as power to change him into the boyfriend that you want. That's not a good thing in any relationship. You need to acknowledge this, it has caused damage, imho, to both of you. He has benefitted from your money but lost because morally you own a piece of him. Apologise to him for your part in this (and mean it) say that you won't be doing it any more (and mean it) because it's not good for either of you.

Insist on and offer to pay for couples counseling to repair what you have done and to put your relationship back on an even keel before you go any further, including your control of how things should be, his refusal to discuss things, your inability to keep spending expectations for the relationship within what he can afford too , his lack of willingness to pay you back and the fact that you as a couple can't resolve this issue that you both have created together.

If he's the gem you think he is this will give him a chance to show it. He will apologise back (and mean it) take it seriously including the counselling and make every effort to step up financially starting now.

If he's not (as seems likely) let him go asap, he's not the one for you. Persue the debt if you can ( I suspect you will have to write it off but you never know). Don't use your money to buy change in other people ever again. Consider counseling for yourself instead. Good luck.

You have tried to use your money as power to change him into the boyfriend that you want. That's not a good thing in any relationship. You need to acknowledge this, it has caused damage, imho, to both of you. He has benefitted from your money but lost because morally you own a piece of him. Apologise to him for your part in this (and mean it) say that you won't be doing it any more (and mean it) because it's not good for either of you
This sums it up really .
Relationships should not be projects
I think you need to get counselling and look up codependency .
You will continue to "rescue" in relationships until you sort this out.

Omg this is horrendous, he has absolutely no concept of how to manage his money and you’re not even living together and sharing bills yet. can you not imagine what it’s going to be like down the line when you have a house together, kids maybe and he is this bad with money, you are going to whittle your inheritance away on his frivolous spending and going to have nothing to show for it and probably a lot of debt :(

Reading your updates makes it quite clear that you want to save him... and will probably continue to do so until he walks away from you. By which time that nest egg you were so fortunate to receive will be long gone.

Why do you feel the need to support him to your own detriment?

You do realise that a moocher can do a very good job of 'hiding' money worries from you, don't you?
They actually are manipulating you into asking. Then they refuse the money but somehow you end up giving it to them anyway.

You won't see it now but when all your inheritance has gone and so has he, you'll look back and kick yourself.

When I was in my mid twenties I had a friend who inherited two very large sums of money in a short period - altogether it was nearly a million pounds.

Sadly both her and her then boyfriend were bad with money - over the course of a decade they basically pissed the whole lot away...lots of 'loans' to the boyfriend, his family, buying the boyfriend whatever expensive 'toy' he wanted when he wanted...

My friend wasn't even 40 when the money ran out...and so did the boyfriend not long after, when it became clear she couldn't support him financially anymore. She has absolutely nothing to show for the money, no house etc. She hasn't worked in 15 years and is having trouble getting work. She's now claming UC.

She thought she could 'rescue' him, 'train' him to be good with money. He made all the right talk, but took zero action as taking her money was easier.