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Original poster

Is it me or DP

63 replies

Neatfreak95 · 28/04/2020 17:26

Long time lurker but never posted before.

My DP and I are both early mid twenties and have been together just under 4 years. We are very happy but there is one thing that is constantly causing an argument between us. Money

When we first got together DP decided to go back and get an apprenticeship and had to move out of his families home and into a flat share that was closer to his work. As he didn't prepare financially to do this I gave him money for a deposit and helped him with bills on the condition that he pays me back what he owed me on a regular basis.

Fast forward to now and it has built up to around 4500. I haven't kept a proper track of it but I know if I did I would be heart broken. He has only paid me back around 500 so far in 3ish years. Every time I bring it up it gets made into an argument. I honestly love him so much and I know he loves me too but it feels like he has no respect for me at all. We don't live together but we are looking into it in the next few months when this all quietens down a bit.

In my eyes if you have enough money to be spending it on nights out and a box of fags a day you should prioritise paying a person back first. Saying that though I know we are a team and if we do eventually move in together and get married it won't matter that much in the end. I feel greedy for asking for it but it pisses me off when I can't afford to go out for dinner with the girls because I have lent him money the week before so he can pay a bill because he spent all his wages on fags and drink.

When we do fight he escalates it and gets really upset and tells me he will give me whatever he has in his bank account but i say no when I know he won't have anything left until payday so he won't be able to afford food or petrol. But a week after the fight I get nothing again until we have another one about it.

Sorry if its a bit messy but I am just so annoyed about it right now. I just need advice, do I write it all off as we are a couple and this is what couples do or confront him one last time

OP posts:
Reallynowdear · 28/04/2020 19:21

What would happen if you stopped lending him money?

JKScot4 · 28/04/2020 19:27

If you now both earn similar amounts, why can he not budget and pay his way like you do?
Answer; he doesn’t have to, he has you to pay for him.
You said you have to wheedle it out of hi if he’s struggling, stop that, you are enabling this situation.

Original poster
Neatfreak95 · 28/04/2020 19:31

Honestly If I stopped lending him money he would just get an overdraft and use that then. He wouldn't hold it against me and there has been a time where I had said no. He doesn't actually ask its me offering nearly all the time because I'm a control freak in the sense that I'd prefer him to owe me than owe other people to keep up appearances. It sounds bad but it's embarrassing to me if he's not got money. We were both brought up differently and I am quite spoiled by my family where as he wasn't. To answer a pp, if he doesn't have money for dates he will say it and we will just stay in and make dinner or just go for a walk. I think I made this mess for myself tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neatfreak95 · 28/04/2020 19:33

I didnt mean to say that it's embarrassing that he has no money. I just mean its embarrassing because of the way he spends it and has nothing to show for it.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 28/04/2020 19:34

Stop offering!! How can you complain when you are the one instigating it!!
Let him get an overdraft, he’s a big boy!!
And tell him you want £150pm standing order set up.
Use your control to draw him up a budget, don’t know why you haven’t.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2020 19:35

Never mind him taking the piss out of you, being in a relationship with someone who is so financially irresponsible is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. You are making a massive mistake if you move in with him.

category12 · 28/04/2020 19:42

OP, you're saying he'd go into debt rather than sort out his spending.

You realise if you marry him, your finances will be entwined and he'll drag you into debt too? If you live together, you'll be carrying him financially.

Stop making excuses for him. You have very very different attitudes to money, and it's one of those big issues that break people up.

cakecakecheese · 28/04/2020 19:43

Yes he should pay you back but you made a rod for your own back by constantly offering. The two of you have very different approaches to money and ultimately it's very difficult for a relationship to continue if there's no common ground on finances.

AskEvans · 28/04/2020 19:44

I wonder how long your passion for him will last when you realise you are in a relationship with a child not a man.

AgentJohnson · 28/04/2020 19:46

He still hasn’t got his shit together. He escalates things into an argument so you’ll back down and not bring it up again. He is manipulative and weaponises you’re kindness against you, to forgive his outstanding debts and to ‘lend’ him more.

You are not his parent and repeatedly bailing him out financially hasn’t made him grateful, only entitled.

Financially, you are incompatible and there’s a reason that you haven’t told him about your inheritance because you know he not only would not pay you back but he’d expect more handouts.

If you want someone to build a financially secure future with, he isn’t it, worse still he will bleed you dry.

Twisique · 28/04/2020 19:56

Could you try and get some of the money from him some other way? Ask to borrow some as an emergency, or book a holiday and he gives you the money for his half, then keep it and dump him.

Northernsoullover · 28/04/2020 20:00

I used to be terrible with money. I was bailed out by my parents but it got to the stage where they wouldn't any more. It was the worst and best thing that happened to me. I had tough years paying it off but its made me incredibly responsible.
I even managed to amass some savings which were earmarked for a house deposit. Until fucking Coronavirus (sniff)

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/04/2020 20:06

Stop giving him money, please!! Let him get an overdraft/credit card/loan or whatever because he has to pay those back! He says these things because he knows you will offer him money. He also plays up about giving it back because he knows you'll back off as soon as he does.

It's ridiculous that you don't go out for food or drinks with your friends because you've lent him your socialising money, that's not what your twenties are for, especially given he could pay you back every penny in a few months if he stopped smoking. You don't have to end your relationship with him, but if you're upset that he doesn't pay you back and can afford to write off the money, then I would write it off stop arguing about it but do not give him another penny again! If he can't afford his car insurance then he'll have to go without a car and get the bus to work

NoMoreDickheads · 28/04/2020 20:24

Thinking about it, as a PP said this is a dead end, at least for now, as you can't move forward into any commitment- well you shouldn't.

There's no way you can properly move in together and take joint charge of bills etc when he can't manage that- unless I suppose you managed everything, and that'd, like you implied, not be something that'd increase your respect for him.

If he would get an overdraft that just shows how silly he is, if it's just for normal bills which he could pay if he thought about it.

I used to be crap with money, but then I was diagnosed with bipolar and medicated for it.

I don't think he has that excuse- either way, it doesn't make for a good partner.

He could land you in real trouble if you got more involved. Please be careful.

MikeUniformMike · 28/04/2020 20:24

I've skipped most of the replies but have read the OP's posts.

When i bring it up he tries to put it back on me saying that it is because I want to go out on dates and I want to do this or that and he spends all his money on that .
This is pushing his faults on to you. You need to nip it in the bud.

Basically, you are enabling him. You offer him money and he takes it.

As a couple, you need to be on the same page where money is concerned, and to do that he needs to learn to budget. If he smokes a packet a day he's spending about £80 a week on fags.

Do not move in with him.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 28/04/2020 20:29

Oh OP. I'm sorry. I know you love him but if you stay with him, you'll never have the money to do things and he'll always leech off of you. You mention marriage, please dont lumber yourself with him. He's a selfish, greedy, inconsiderate twat. You deserve better.

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2020 20:37

his parents told him that they were going to give him the money for Christmas but then changed their minds and he got nothing so I told him I would pay yeah that's what he told you. Four years of his sob stories have got you well trained.

RUOKHon · 28/04/2020 20:43

So he’s a gold digger or a sugar baby? Either way you’re a mug.

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2020 20:45

He doesn't actually ask its me offering nearly all the time because I'm a control freak in the sense that I'd prefer him to owe me than owe other people to keep up appearances. It sounds bad but it's embarrassing to me if he's not got money Hmm oh ffs you're as bad as each other then.

Do you enjoy playing the hero? Why has he never got any money anyway if you're earning similar amounts?

Desolate2nite · 28/04/2020 20:46

Why doesn't he stop smoking? He is spending £70 a week on cigarettes. Paying you back should prioritise smoking

Haffiana · 28/04/2020 21:13

Thank you all for the replies. I'm not making excuses but he didn't have the best start growing up and he wasn't pushed to make something of himself

OP, surely you can see that you have continued this? You have not only not pushed him, but you have taken away his chance to have life give him a valuable lesson.

Never, ever, get into a relationship where you are the 'saviour' even if it seems a good idea, or you feel it is kind or whatever. It isn't, it is because you have poor boundaries and perhaps not enough self esteem. A proper adult relationship is between two equals.

Winter2019 · 28/04/2020 21:19

Jeez, don't give him any more money!!! You are not married yet, not even living together so that's your money ESPECIALLY as it sounds he's got money... Why don't he pay you a set amount every month? Even if it's 50 quid. Make that agreement and at least you know you got some money coming back. It doesn't sound like he's got much respect for you to be honest

copycopypaste · 28/04/2020 21:37

Well done for making up your mind to talk to him. You do need to add it all up and give it to him straight. He should be paying you off first and foremost. He's seeing you as a cash cow

But, ffs don't marry this man, he's got disaster written all over him, what happens if you have a family together and you go on mat leave or decide to become a sahp? Do you really think he'll be able to financially support you?

Stop lending him money.

Lambster · 28/04/2020 21:47

OP please wake up and stop seeing this loser through blinkers.

He's obviously not going to suddenly stop, wake up tomorrow and become financially responsible is he? Why does he even need to when you (or his parents) keep bailing him out.

You keep saying what a lovely guy he is and then use his childhood to excuse his shit-ness, but all this excusing him is just enabling him further and he is more than happy to keep sponging away (as he has for years now).

He is playing you, but it sounds like you're in full denial mode.

What are you hoping for from posting here? I can't imagine anyone here is going to say, ahhh what a nice bloke, I'm sure he doesn't mean to be so useless... Hmm

PixiKitKat · 29/04/2020 06:48

I'd you really want to help him then you have to stop giving him money. I only properly learnt how to budget when my spending was so bad I had to go on a debt management plan! Since it's all been paid off I've managed a lot better as I budget now and don't take credit out thoughtlessly like I did before.