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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to co parent with a newborn????

61 replies

Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 17:21

So I will try to be brief but I've got a lot of my mind.

I have recently had a baby, like a couple of weeks ago. A few days before I gave birth I found out my boyfriend was contacting other girls. During this time he had been staying at my house during lockdown.

It's been really tough to have him here. At first when I found out he was saying we could work out our relationship dynamics after I give birth. He is now saying 2 weeks after I've given birth that he's realised for months now he didn't want to be with me. He just didn't want me to be stressed during pregnancy. I'm completely just thrown.

He has now said we should focus on being friends, and working on co parenting but everything has happened so quickly. He left when baby was 5 days old and has come back to "help". I've not had anything to eat really because I've been so sad, yet when he's around he's asking if I'm making dinner. He leaves his clothes here to wash them. I told him if he wants to stay here to see his son he can't text other females whilst in my house. He basically told me I can't tell him what to do, which I realise but I just feel like I'm stuck with the worst bits. All the sad feelings, a baby that cries non stop. While he's back to his old life back

He's said he doesn't really like spending time with the baby and feels sorry for me for having to deal with the baby now. To make matters worse we were long distance with a view for him to come and work where I live once baby was born. He has now decided he doesn't want to move and wants to bring the baby to his every other week once the pandemic is over. How the hell can I work through my feelings when everything is so fresh? I feel like my imagined family has been taken away. We haven't even spoken properly about our issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 19:48

I've really been trying to just forget what he's doing. I've been trying to soak in the newbornness. I won't let him take the baby but that's what he's saying. He has to stay with me, even though he doesn't want to. He's acting mad with me. Every day I wake up and remember what's happened. It's really really hard.

OP posts:
wenders4 · 27/04/2020 19:52

I'm sorry your in this. I've been there and I get it except I was left when the baby was a few months after a 10 year relationship. It's hard seeing him carry on as if nothing happened and your left doing all the hard / crappy bits. But for your own sanity don't rely on him for anything, don't do anything for him and if he's not prepared to help with HIS baby (bored or not) kick him Out bc you will honestly find it easier doing it on your own (I know it will feel daunting in these early weeks / months) but it'll just be you and the baby and you only need to focus on the two of you.

BakewellGin1 · 27/04/2020 19:58

Tell him to fuck right off, you can use this social isolating to your advantage as you must keep you and baby safe.

Tell him arrangements will be made after this is all over and that contact is only to discuss baby welfare and visits in the future. Do not let him mess with your head.

Make sure you have real life support. Discuss with your parents to get help in real life.

Do not give him a place to stay or do his meals or washing and don't fall for the as his child's mother crap. As the father he should treat you with some respect. While he is there you cannot sort your thoughts rationally

BrooHaHa · 27/04/2020 20:05

Kick him out, OP. You don't have to love with him just because he fathered your baby.

BrooHaHa · 27/04/2020 20:05

*live

Noooblerooble · 27/04/2020 20:13

Well he's got some cheek hasn't he? You've got to give him that. He is so lucky you haven't just slammed the door in his face.

Yes, you might be hormonal right now. You recently gave birth. That doesn't take away from the fact he is a terrible human being who has made several massive errors of judgment.

Visits eow are too much at this stage and in these weurd circumstances. You get to decide what suits you and your baby. I do get the feeling if you hold your position he might well bugger off and give up pursuing contact, sadly but deal with that if it happens. I hope your parents can give you some help so you can enjoy your lovely baby. I know you need to grieve and get your head around what's happened but you are better off without this horrible man. There will be better times ahead.

theseriousmoonlight · 27/04/2020 20:19

He cannot stay with you OP. He needs to leave and you need to see if you can go to your parents, or get one or both of them to come to stay with you.

You cannot allow him to have the physical or the emotional space you need for yourself and your baby. He gave up any right to ask anything if you the moment he decided that it was over without telling you.

Yes, you may be hormonal. That is completely normal. What isn't is his utterly twatish behaviour. Get him out. Keep him out. When you are ready, you can arrange what will work for you and your baby.

ludicrouslemons · 27/04/2020 20:49

Oh my god, I could blow my top at this -

  1. You've every right to be hormonal, you've just had a baby ffs
  2. Being hormonal has nothing to do with reacting with pain and shock from someone behaving as he has
  3. Being hormonal is actually a reason why he shouldn't be treating you this way, you need care and protection, not this crap

Get some distance between you and clear your head. He's feeding you bullshit.

HappyMumsie · 27/04/2020 21:11

Please don't wash or cook for him

Winterlife · 27/04/2020 21:20

If your parents are willing to stay with you, or you can move in with them, do that.

He can come visit for an hour but tell him he can’t bring his laundry and you’re not feeding him.

He won’t get the baby for a week for some time, nor should he.

None of this is your fault OP.

ravenmum · 27/04/2020 21:40

He twists it until I look like the bad person. He tried to say that as the father of my child if I've cooked dinner then he would like some.
Oh, you have a Mr Morally Superior. I had one of those, too. Amazing how, despite being a vile cheat and liar, they still manage to play that card and keep you trying to prove that you are not a bad person by doing what they want.

"Hostile environment" is his name for you being outraged by his horrible behaviour, is it?

Glad to see that you are not entirely taken in. Come back here any time you need confirmation that you don't have to make his dinner for him, are not "hormonal" but justifiably furious, etc.

Have you got anyone you could phone? Or family you could move in with under the terms of this "cooling off" thing they have introduced?

ProfessorPootle · 27/04/2020 22:00

Omg op I’m so sorry he’s such a massive twat. He’s given me the rage, how dare he. There’s no discussing anything with someone like him as he’ll never admit how horrendous his behaviour has been. The only way his ego can cope is to blame you for everything. But you’ve done nothing wrong, please get rid of him. You don’t need his crap in your life, you’re not his servant the lazy arse that he is. If he’s at yours to ‘help’ that means him cooking and cleaning and spending time with the baby so you can rest and recover.

Please get him out of yours and get your parents to stay or go to theirs for a bit. I bet he wouldn’t dare expect you to cook or do his laundry if your parents were with you. Also there are no joint custody arrangements for very young babies, babies stay with their mothers, he’ll have to wait.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/04/2020 22:43

You haven’t answered but he has no right to live s, stay in your house no matter how far away he lives.

LouiseCollina · 28/04/2020 03:27

My heart is breaking for you reading this OP. I know this is a very tough time for you but it will pass. One thing I can promise you - you will be very annoyed with yourself looking back on this time in years to come if you do not get this piece of scum out of your house. Please do so. He has forfeited every conceivable right to be there.

I wish you strength, Flowers

Original poster
Sosad2028 · 28/04/2020 10:19

Can I just ask why would I have to put the baby's last name as mine

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 28/04/2020 10:30

If you want to travel in the future and baby has his last name you would need a letter from him giving his permission... No way should he have that control over you..
Imo.

category12 · 28/04/2020 10:34

You'd be better off doing so - it'll make life so much easier for your child to have your surname for administrative purposes, and for going abroad etc later on. Why should he get to give the child his name?

Is he on the birth certificate? If you haven't registered the birth yet, I'd leave him off it - he'd have to come with you to get his name put on, anyway. If you leave it off, he won't automatically have parental responsibility and if he wants that legally he'd have to apply for it through the courts. If he doesn't have it, then you can make all the decisions for your child without him interfering - ie should you want to move away later or something, he wouldn't be able to stop you without PR.

REignbow · 28/04/2020 10:59

Why the hell wouldn’t you give your DS your surname?

You are not together any longer and you are not married. He’s using the fact that you are a new mother etc and trying to rail road into doing things; whilst telling you that you are hormonal etc if you question him. Move your parents in and use them as gate keepers to his entitlement. He should not be staying with you and you certainly should not be cooking for him and doing his laundry.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 28/04/2020 11:03

Wait....he’s staying in your house overnight?! Fuck that!! No, he comes in for a visit with his baby then leaves!

Original poster
Sosad2028 · 28/04/2020 11:06

Because he lives so far away he's saying that he needs to stay otherwise it would be hard for him. He was on the blow up bed whilst taking baby for night shifts but he said he can't look after him on it properly

OP posts:
mamas12 · 28/04/2020 11:11

You poor thing he is being totally selfish and cruel towards you and by extension your baby
Definitely ring your parents today and tell them they will support you and help you with everything, believe me you need them, not that piece of trash that is stressing you and your baby when you least need it
Phone them now you won’t regret it good luck

REignbow · 28/04/2020 11:12

But that is not your problem. It’s his.

He should not be staying with you. Period.

Kelsoooo · 28/04/2020 11:18

Honestly, and im begging you to recognise this.

This is a precious time.

Get rid of him.

Can you move in with your parents for the time being?

You need to be looked after. If that can't happen, at least just have you and baby. Fuck him off. No judge in the land will award him contact that involves taking baby away from you. And right now you need to focus on you and baby.

BrooHaHa · 28/04/2020 11:29

My word, OP, it's not your problem how he does it. Don't let him make it your problem. Tell him having him stay isn't working for you and he can't do it anymore. Suggest get either gets a hotel if he wants to visit for more than one day at a time or moves to be nearer. You do not need to organise your life around his convenience.

Windyatthebeach · 28/04/2020 11:35

He most def cannot take a new baby into a blow up bed mind!! One thing he has right - but doubtful for the sids reasoning - more likely he can't be arsed to do the night care.
After lockdown he can find an air B&B a night a week when your baby is much older.
As said before your baby needs you and really nobody else at this time.

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