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Original poster

How to co parent with a newborn????

61 replies

Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 17:21

So I will try to be brief but I've got a lot of my mind.

I have recently had a baby, like a couple of weeks ago. A few days before I gave birth I found out my boyfriend was contacting other girls. During this time he had been staying at my house during lockdown.

It's been really tough to have him here. At first when I found out he was saying we could work out our relationship dynamics after I give birth. He is now saying 2 weeks after I've given birth that he's realised for months now he didn't want to be with me. He just didn't want me to be stressed during pregnancy. I'm completely just thrown.

He has now said we should focus on being friends, and working on co parenting but everything has happened so quickly. He left when baby was 5 days old and has come back to "help". I've not had anything to eat really because I've been so sad, yet when he's around he's asking if I'm making dinner. He leaves his clothes here to wash them. I told him if he wants to stay here to see his son he can't text other females whilst in my house. He basically told me I can't tell him what to do, which I realise but I just feel like I'm stuck with the worst bits. All the sad feelings, a baby that cries non stop. While he's back to his old life back

He's said he doesn't really like spending time with the baby and feels sorry for me for having to deal with the baby now. To make matters worse we were long distance with a view for him to come and work where I live once baby was born. He has now decided he doesn't want to move and wants to bring the baby to his every other week once the pandemic is over. How the hell can I work through my feelings when everything is so fresh? I feel like my imagined family has been taken away. We haven't even spoken properly about our issues.

OP posts:
OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 17:25

How far away does he live? Baby won’t be going far from you for a good while yet.
You DO NOT make him food or drink or washing or sex (trust me) when he’s visiting his son. He visits a for a few hours a few times a week.....nothing else!
Register baby with your surname.
Do you have the support of your family?

Original poster
Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 17:30

It's about a 300 mile round trip. I know but I don't know how to put these boundaries in. He twists it until I look like the bad person. He tried to say that as the father of my child if I've cooked dinner then he would like some. I told him I've been so down I haven't eaten.

I don't think I have to worry about him trying to sleep with me. He acts like we're just friends now. I feel pathetic that I even want him to hug me.

I do have some family support but as everyone's isolating I'm alone right now which I think is contributing to my loneliness

OP posts:
Kubo · 27/04/2020 17:31

Coparenting a newborn means you look after the baby and he looks after you. He cooks you food, he washes your clothes.

If he is making your life harder at this time he can fuck right off.

Windyatthebeach · 27/04/2020 17:33

Imo keep him away until all this is over. You are entitled to be recovering from childbirth in peace.
He has zero interest in his baby. He is using you and bringing potential CV into your home.
Register the baby in your surname. Claim Cms and see a solicitor after lockdown.

Original poster
Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 17:36

I think he does have interest in his child but he's just bored? If you could be. I said you have basically months of paternity leave you could spend time with the baby. He said that I've made the environment hostile so he doesn't want to be around me. Writing down what he says he really looks like a twat

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 27/04/2020 17:48

He wasn't planning how he was going to be a df he was planning his next shag...
Sorry op he hasn't got you or your dc as a priority in his eyes...

myangelalex · 27/04/2020 17:51

Tell him to fuck off and be kind to yourself. He sounds a user

Viviennemary · 27/04/2020 17:52

I agree with Kubo. If he can help with chores he can stay around if not he is surplus to requirements. He does sound awful though.

cultkid · 27/04/2020 17:53

What an arse

Set up a financial agreement
Can you go stay with a friend or relative, or can someone come stay with you?
Do not do his laundry

I am sorry you're going through this x

AsCoolAsLangCleg · 27/04/2020 18:00

Babies have no need for their fathers or anyone else except you at this stage in their lives, so if he's not making things easier for you send him away and concentrate on finding your feet as a mother. Offer him regular visits of an hour every other day, to build up as baby gets older. He won't bother himself. If he wants parental responsibility he can take you to court, which will not allow him to take a tiny infant every other week because it is not in the interests of the child.

Wishforsnow · 27/04/2020 18:29

Congratulations on your baby. Offer him an hour every other day for contact. This is your time to be healing and looking after your baby. Don't do his laundry or feed him, why would you. You don't have to let him in your house. Block him if you want and let him request via court and give the baby your surname. Don't be bullied into giving his

userabcname · 27/04/2020 18:40

Um, what the fuck?! When he is at yours HE cooks for both of you. He washes his own clothes and can chuck any baby stuff in with it. Like fuck are you his maid and chef. I appreciate you've just had a baby and been messed about by this guy, but I would make this VERY clear immediately. Are you breastfeeding? If not, he also does the night feeds when he stays. Those would be my terms and conditions and if he didn't like it then he knows where the door is. Sorry he's such a twat. Congrats on your baby.

theseriousmoonlight · 27/04/2020 18:42

You can tell him what to do. Tell him to fuck off.

Co-parenting is not you doing his washing / cooking his tea while he arranges to see other women. Until he can behave like a father, and he obviously doesn't want to do that as he doesn't really like spending time with the baby, he doesn't get to be one.

He is a selfish twat.

Concentrate on your lovely baby.

opticaldelusion · 27/04/2020 18:45

Don't put him on the birth certificate. You'll get loads of good advice on here, but that's the most critical long-term.

category12 · 27/04/2020 18:48

If he's back to help, he should be cooking for you, cleaning, washing his own clothes and looking after the baby some of the time. If he's not doing that, tell him to fuck off home.

opticaldelusion · 27/04/2020 18:48

Tell him to fuck off out of your house too. Fuck lockdown. He can go home and stay there. You've got enough on your plate looking after a baby without running around after a lazy, selfish ex as well.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/04/2020 18:56

Dear god . He cuddles the baby , changes the babies nappy , feeds the baby if not breast fed.

He doesn’t get to walk in and out when he chooses . Little and often is advised.

Where is he living? I would be bagging his washing up to take with him.

Eow for a baby a few weeks old is ridiculous .

Do try and eat something yourself even if it’s a sandwich - you need to eat to keep going

Kdubs1981 · 27/04/2020 19:07

Get rid of him.

Could you move in with family for support until all this is over?

AsCoolAsLangCleg · 27/04/2020 19:14

This has made me so cross I've come back.

You have done and are doing an amazing, exhausting, beautiful thing. You need kindness and care and your baby needs you, only you - in fact your baby doesn't know that you and he aren't just one thing, and really you aren't, not yet. If this man isn't providing that care and kindness for you and his son, he has no role. He doesn't matter. He has written himself out of the story, or at least this chapter.

So be kind to yourself, care for your baby and let this man show you by his actions how much of a father - and how much of a "friend", because if you saw a friend struggling, you'd help, wouldn't you? - he wants to be.

ludicrouslemons · 27/04/2020 19:19

You poor love. This is hard but you have to somehow stop longing for him to be better than he is and learn how to deal with how things are so it suits YOUR needs.

Whack a bit of Aretha Franklin on and toughen up. Co parenting is sharing responsibility, the crappy washing and clearing, what he wants is to be an honorary uncle with laundry and food privileges thrown in.

Work out what your terms are and look for support from other places - tell family and friends what is going on and talk to them often. Don't get stuck in a bubble where you continue being vulnerable and he continues being a dog turd.

Good luck, you'll get through this Thanks

volatility · 27/04/2020 19:22

Tell him to leave and not come back until he is prepared to actually help. He’s taking the piss. He’s disgusting. Absolutely vile. I rarely think “I hate that person” reading on these posts but this time I do. He’s utterly utterly horrific. Tell him to F off. If he thinks he’s taking the baby 300 miles he’s having a laugh. What happens when the baby goes to nursery/school? No. He’s a prick. A total prick. He doesn’t know his arse from his elbow. You do NOT cook him food. He leaves dirty clothes? You stick them in a bin bag by the door. He’s up his own arse. Get rid of him and file for child maintenance

Inconnu · 27/04/2020 19:23

You poor thing OP. He's an immature, selfish idiot. Focus on your beautiful baby and don't worry about thinks like future contact etc.

Please don't cook for him or wash his clothes. You have enough on your plate already.

bookmum08 · 27/04/2020 19:30

I don't think you should be on your own with a tiny baby. Especially as you saying you aren't eating properly. If you can go and stay with a family member or close friend. You need support - in getting stuff like shopping and emotional support or just letting you have a nap/bath while they look after baby. You aren't going to get that from baby's Dad unfortunately. If he really wants to see the baby he should be happy to come round for a couple of hours or so (although babies that little don't really do much so there isn't much he can 'do' with the baby). If you are staying at your parents (for example) say he can comes for pre arranged visits and then you will have back up support of others if he starts any "feed me, wash my clothes" crap.

Original poster
Sosad2028 · 27/04/2020 19:35

Thank you so much, he makes me feel like I've been in the wrong. He said I'm being hormonal. I just can't even get my head around it all. He won't be coming up for a few hours because he will just make me out to be stopping him. I think I will invite my parents to stay with me just to help out because right now. I want him here just because I feel like why am going through this alone. But I'm realising nothing will make him change, I can't make him want to be here

OP posts:
Lemonpink88 · 27/04/2020 19:41

I feel so sorry for you OP, youv just had your baby & Christ knows newborns are hard enough work without this situation.
You don’t get these weeks back, please try & use them to bond with your baby, rest where you can & recover from labour. I know you want to lick your wounds & sort the relationship out but honestly long term it dosnt sound like your ex is worth you being nice too at the moment. He said youv caused a hostile environment? He’s caused the environment, how dare he treat a women as he has, it’s no role model for your son. Try & get your backbone together & ask he give you & baby space, it’s not in a newborns interest to travel 300 miles for an access visit, he dosnt get to call the shots. U have a baby to think of now, he deserves calm & a happy mum. Congratulations on your bub xx

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