Mother in law advice

[StevieFlicks]

My mother in law can be very forceful, insensitive and passive aggressive. I have been with my fiancé for over 7 years and I have been upset countless times by her remarks.

My fiancé is often very supportive and he will stand up to her but she picks her moments to make remarks to me when he is not around.

I have a very serious and important professional job. Yesterday, she said (and has done several times before) "I can't believe you do your job, you can't say anything to you without you crying usually" then "when my fiance would tell me about your work, I'd think to myself "no way does she do that" when you can't say boo bah to her".

Now, I am sensitive to how she's been towards me over the years but she's never once seen me cry. She's referring to times when my fiancé has told her she has upset me and not to speak to me like that. It goes over her head. She says "when he used to tell me I'd upset you I'd think "what just over that?!" 'Just over that' being her telling me about finding girls shoes by the front door on a Saturday morning in my fiancé's single days, she's called me fat and said I've put weight on (she's said the same about her other DIL too) etc etc etc. I could write a book about the things she says.

I don't ever deny shedding tears watching DIY SOS or Stand Up to Cancer UK and my fiancé's running joke is calling me Tiny Tears. That's all pure fun because I am a passionate and emotional person, but not to my detriment, I don't feel and certainly not in front of MIL or in my working capacity.

I don't know why, but I feel I can never stand up to her, or don't know how to when she says things like this to me. I did say "better to be sensitive than insensitive and I'm good at my job" but she continued talking over me anyway so it fell on deaf ears. I find it so hard to respond to passive aggression.

I am really struggling with the anxiety of being around her as I know she constantly judges me, how I keep the house, "how I keep her son", while also having a kickass job (that she thinks I'm incapable of, clearly) and dealing with what she says to me often. She speaks to me as if I am a child and I just really need to get on top of this now before it really is too late. People around her think she is joking about everything she says and my fiancé did at first when we were first together and I'd spoken to him about things she had said. In time, he's realised how passive aggressive she can be.

I think she feels she can walk over me after me not really knowing how to deal with it this past 7 years and I really need some advice.

I think you need to take slightly bigger heed of the warning signs here.

It's great he's supportive, but I think that before you marry, you need to sit him down and make it clear that you want the status quo to be minimal contact - MINIMAL.

She won't be babysitting.
She won't be involved when you have a child.
Look at moving MUCH further away.

If he starts to say anything along the lines of 'But she'll be Granny...' then I would think twice about marrying.

On your personal relationship with her - well firstly, I'd try and cease it. Tell your DF that you don't like her and don't want her at your house.

But after that, I'd start stockpiling lines - rude ones - to answer her rudeness. Piss her off.

When she talks down to you:

'Don't bloody speak to me in that tone. God you really do have NO manners whatsoever do you?' walk off.

'How would you know? You never listen to a word anyone else says anyway!' Laugh.

'I don't care what you think - you're hardly someone I'm bothered about impressing are you?' Laugh.

'Oh fuck off.'

'Rude cow. Don't talk to me like that.'

'Oh bog off you BORING, BORING RUDE WOMAN.'

'Oh here you go again. Tell you what, you moan to the wall over there while I just, um, leave, that ok?'

'Fuck off'

'Fuck off'

'Fuck off'

You have to nip this in the bud. It will magnify tenfold when you have children. Ask your DF not mention how upset you are when she has a go as it gives her ammunition, but just to say her behaviour is unacceptable.

Try going with the shock factor. Next time she starts - look her up and down and say something like 'you appear to be under the misapprehension that I give a fuck what you think about me and my life - I don't.'

I wouldn't take any bullshit from her - every time she says anything, tell her you have zero interest in what she thinks.

I meant to add, I ended up not marrying my fiance because his mother was so horrendous and he was incapable of confronting her. I knew I would always be number two in his life while she was alive and I wasn't prepared to accept that.

Thank you all, I am truly taking all the advice on board as it's exactly what I asked for.

As for this morning, she said to me "I'll have coffee" he responded "uh, no you won't". She laughed asking why and he said "you're not even meant to be here, let alone the fact you've just waltzed into our garden. Next time, let us know when you're coming". She laughed it off and left shortly after.

Yes totally agree about the warning signs and I'm wise to them. I would be open to counselling as I'm sure he would too because I think she may have caused him emotional issues himself.

I am still in shock that there are women like this. My mother is a maternal and caring mother. She treats DF and I no different to the other and we are all family. Also my mother is a good judge of character and despises her (first time she met my mother, she told her how much she earned and that I'm the most sensitive person she's ever met) she was met with a frosty reply from my mother.

It's a different story on his side, I am very much an in law as is SIL, which was even more apparent after they had our DN, all MIL cared about was Dad and baby. Now I'm thankful for that distance because it means I can take that huge step back with ease. I owe them nothing and I'm so happy to be comforted in knowing this is the right thing for us. You've all helped with my confidence to give some back too, in a direct way, without necessarily being wholly confrontational.

In making progress with DH and I, how would you go about discussing it hereon in? I don't think going in all guns blazing saying "she's not doing this" or "she's not doing that" will be productive. I would rather lay out what

You've had some very extreme advice on here.
I don't think you need to start verbally abusing her.
I don't think you need to call off the wedding.
My husband's family are very difficult and caused problems for us, and he always struggled to stand up to them. But the worst problems were not until later in our relationship, when we had our first child - and he did step up and stand up to them. It was a long and painful process for him but he did what he had to do for me and our family.

Your instincts are right, you don't need to sit your fiancé down and tell him what's going to happen. I would advise you both to read the books first. Think about the outcomes you are hoping for. Think about what you will and won't tolerate. What are your deal breakers? Then when it comes to discussing it, listen to each other. Try and respect each other's point of view and come to an agreement about what's going to happen. Remember this is difficult for him - harder for him than it is to you because he's been subjected to this all his life. That doesn't mean you have to put up with the abuse, or accept anything you're not comfortable with, but you can treat him with understanding and compassion.

FWIW I think it sounds as if he's been doing pretty well so far and I think it's promising that he will step up and not throw you under the bus.

I had to be patient with my DH. But it's important that he made his own decisions and I didn't force him into anything.

I meant to say ... lay out my position and let him respond

@AnotherEmma thank you so much. Yes he has done pretty good. We are still young and I know he is growing is confidence and will back me no matter what. That's really encouraging, thank you!

So she's had no consequence?
If you were to tell him now to ring her and say that she isn't to come to your house again would he?

I think it’s important to understand how deeply emotionally enmeshed your DF will be with his DM and that he may not even be fully conscious of that yet. It

He may be able to superficially soothe you with his words - but the stark fact is that in reality his actions to date with her have had zero impact on her bullying behaviour towards you.

He needs to understand that the time for talking has now passed as she has repeatedly proven herself unable to take on board his words and behave. That you continue to suffer and protection of you is his priority and the only way to do this is with v significant distancing consequences.