Mother in law advice

[StevieFlicks]

My mother in law can be very forceful, insensitive and passive aggressive. I have been with my fiancé for over 7 years and I have been upset countless times by her remarks.

My fiancé is often very supportive and he will stand up to her but she picks her moments to make remarks to me when he is not around.

I have a very serious and important professional job. Yesterday, she said (and has done several times before) "I can't believe you do your job, you can't say anything to you without you crying usually" then "when my fiance would tell me about your work, I'd think to myself "no way does she do that" when you can't say boo bah to her".

Now, I am sensitive to how she's been towards me over the years but she's never once seen me cry. She's referring to times when my fiancé has told her she has upset me and not to speak to me like that. It goes over her head. She says "when he used to tell me I'd upset you I'd think "what just over that?!" 'Just over that' being her telling me about finding girls shoes by the front door on a Saturday morning in my fiancé's single days, she's called me fat and said I've put weight on (she's said the same about her other DIL too) etc etc etc. I could write a book about the things she says.

I don't ever deny shedding tears watching DIY SOS or Stand Up to Cancer UK and my fiancé's running joke is calling me Tiny Tears. That's all pure fun because I am a passionate and emotional person, but not to my detriment, I don't feel and certainly not in front of MIL or in my working capacity.

I don't know why, but I feel I can never stand up to her, or don't know how to when she says things like this to me. I did say "better to be sensitive than insensitive and I'm good at my job" but she continued talking over me anyway so it fell on deaf ears. I find it so hard to respond to passive aggression.

I am really struggling with the anxiety of being around her as I know she constantly judges me, how I keep the house, "how I keep her son", while also having a kickass job (that she thinks I'm incapable of, clearly) and dealing with what she says to me often. She speaks to me as if I am a child and I just really need to get on top of this now before it really is too late. People around her think she is joking about everything she says and my fiancé did at first when we were first together and I'd spoken to him about things she had said. In time, he's realised how passive aggressive she can be.

I think she feels she can walk over me after me not really knowing how to deal with it this past 7 years and I really need some advice.

What a horrible woman, this is deliberate on her part and you can't change nasty. Don't lower yourself to her standards, take the high ground, treat her with the contempt she deserves and keep your pride.

These women are v dangerous - they wreck people’s self esteem, ruin marriages and break up families if you let them.

Seriously have nothing to do with her.

Get other (your DM, family and friends) on-side to manage her and box her in on your wedding day because that will be her big moment to take you down. Mine spent the day howling in her hotel bedroom FFS after sneering at me in my dress, criticising the venue and not once congratulating us. Made plenty of drama so that everyone wanted to know where she was.

Tell your DF to give her zero info / details about your life. Answer any direct Qs with a non-committal vanilla responses.

Haven’t decided yet
No don’t know when that will be
Not sure yet

Challenges to nasty stuff no more than a slap down:
Is that what you think
That’s not how I see it

Every thing is “Grey Rock”.

I hope that some day your SIL gets some insight and support. I tap-danced like a fool to my abusive, alcoholic, MILs tune for nearly 20 years - until I read about these types on here.

I can sympathise OP my late MIL was so very nasty and insulting to me as soon as DH's back was turned.
The only way to deal with it was to agree with her, I would say Hmm and nod, and say ( in a very serious way) things like "oh dear I'm sorry you feel like that" or "Hmm you could have a point there".
The best thing is never to show that she has upset you and don't let her upset you, she doesn't matter, your fiancee lives with you not her. and she is being very sour accordingly.
I promise that if she sees she is not upsetting you and that her insults are water off a ducks back, she will eventually give up, or slip up and insult you in front of your fiancee, which will show her up.
Be the superior person here, don't let her get to you, rise above it, let her get on with her attitude, think of her as something on the sole of your shoe, and don't let her get at you or see that she has upset you.
Remember you are better than her!!!!

You only get one life. You only get one chance to live you can never go back so you have to set the way for things going forward. Either stop seeing her or answer back. Boundaries mean we are only around people who respect us and our boundaries those that don’t are just classic abusers. It is abuse simple. It’s who she is. It in the end will make you ill depression anxiety. Why would you let someone do that when you have a voice

The suggestions for comebacks from @DamnYankee are great ideas I think! But if you feel not able to say things in response to her then I think taking a step away from her sounds like a good idea for your well-being, it must be so hard feeling on edge around someone all the time!

Could you use your wedding prep as an excuse to have some distance from her for a while? Like by saying you are busy doing things with friends and your mum etc?

But why are you seeing her at all?!

Avoid avoid avoid. Only way to sort this. Your dh to be needs to sort this too. He needs to say that she will lose you both unless she stops this.

Blimey, I’d be going super low contact with her. Every time she says something to you that upsets you, tell your DP-preferably in front of her-and laugh as you do so, as in ‘Ha ha, fiancé, listen to what your mum said. Can you believe she said something so fucking nasty?’ Call her out on it every single time. Huge boundaries required now. Don’t let her get her claws into any dc.

Physical and emotional distance is the key here. Your df also needs to be on board with this and support you too.

As for the wedding dress and getting ready, in the wise words of mn, 'no' is a complete sentence

I've now spoken with DF about it as he wasn't there when it was said, initially he said I may have been overthinking it and shouldn't let it get to me. I had tried to explain that regardless of my interpretation of it, she is putting me down and he has to see that. He says he does. I've asked that we both work on how we tackle these situations in future. I'm hoping we can read those suggested books which may help. I've told him that distance is necessary and his support will be needed or this will effect our relationship and our future children potentially.I think he is so used to her always being like that, he says she has been passive aggressive since he can ever remember so seems to have issues even identifying it.

That sort of MIL can ruin a marriage, OP. Just be very very careful that you've got the sort of man who will always be on your side, otherwise you're in for a life of misery.

Watch out for him minimising it.

Don’t let him away with that.

It is massively impacting your emotional health. He needs to respect and prioritise this.

He just wants to avoid confrontation and it looks like he could be prepared to put his own personal discomfort of dealing with his DM, over your deep hurt caused by her. Pay very close attention to that. It’s a massive red flag.

No doubt his whole life has been tip-toeing around her volatility, adapting behaviours so that she doesn’t erupt.

That’s how she has got to control everyone - by the 24/7 threat of tantrums and meltdowns. But he needs to call her bluff. If she lets rip - so what - she will blow herself out. He needs to expect it and weather it. She needs to be called to account. And there need to be clear consequences that get carried through.

It will be hard for him because she is highly manipulative. No doubt she treats him as the golden boy so he has to step out of this flattery and his FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that he is trapped in order to deal with her.

He needs to see that he is not between his mother and his wife - this is not a tug of war.

He needs to be firmly and clearly well over on the side of his wife and then he needs to drop the rope of her games. It’s his choice to take a cold, firm, stand or forever have her yank the chain of your relationship. But you will have a choice here too depending on which way he proceeds. Could you show him this thread?

She just needs grey rocking tbh.

Pretend you dont hear or or don't understand. At most, ask her to explain what she means. Rise to nothing. Cultivate a blank stare. Never tell her a thing or open a conversation with her.

In time, she will either get bored, or get so worked up that she ups the ante and starts showing her hand by going way over the top.

I wouldn't bother with your partner, he sounds like he'd rather not notice her behavior. Its a common way for children of this sort of person to defend/protect themselves from the reality of their childhood, unfortunately.

Give her the rope, in time she will hang herself. You dont need to get involved with this nonsense. As they say in my country - when you see a crocodile in the river, don't have a swim.

She’s probably intimidated by your career.

You are right to distance her as nothing that you do will change her.

@StevieFlicks "I don't know why, but I feel I can never stand up to her, or don't know how to when she says things like this to me. I did say "better to be sensitive than insensitive and I'm good at my job" but she continued talking over me anyway so it fell on deaf ears. I find it so hard to respond to passive aggression."

She sounds like an idiot, please stop being afraid of her!

I agree with Gutterton "Actions do. The consequences required are simple - she is not in your life. Don’t make an announcement. Just not see her. Your DF needs to be totally on board - she will never behave. She does it behind his back. She doesn’t improve when called out time and time again.

Take yourself out of punching distance."

Your DF needs to support you BUT he's had a lifetime with this harpie so he is not very good at standing up to her. If he had, she wouldn't be like this. Or maybe she is nice to him, her son, and just mean to you. Either way, you and DF arfe a unit together and your DF needs to be on your side now and in the future.

Well I don't think you should get upset over the girls shoes comments. He's going to have had previous girlfriends. She's just trying to wind you up. Ignore it, she's childish.

On the calling you fat comments though, just turn it back on her. When she says 'you've gained weight', say 'you've been eating all the pies too from the looks of it chubster, get yourself down to weightwatchers'. Then when she gets upset, go 'I'm only joking' and laugh.

She's a cow, who gives a damn about her feelings? Send the bitch home crying each time, it will be funny.

How happy are you, would you say, with the man after seven years (this is in no way a dig, btw- there are all sorts of reasons to delay marriage)?

I am asking because I think I'd struggle to feel my partner had my back after so long of this treatment.

Are you close with the other DIL at all? I wonder if there'd be some some benefit in putting your heads together?

As others have said:

• it’s her not you. She’s a bitch and plenty else.

• this and she won’t chnge. Don’t waste energy or further time on this.

• limit contact and when you do have to see her, limit engagement, don’t give in.

You’ve done well to handle it to date. I have a toxic MIL and have had blazing rows with her and it makes it hard for my DH who supports me but...it’s complicated. She manipulated and abuses and plays the victim card. How I loathe her. I feel for you- but set your boundaries now. Before you’re married and well before children.

Good luck.

You need to really reduce your contact with her...like the card, you could have put it through the letterbox and walked away.

She sounds jealous of you and your job, so you need to stand up for yourself when you're in her company.

Don't let situations develop where you and her are alone. Tell your Fiance that you need him to enforce this as much as possible.

When lockdown is over, she isn't to come to your house when he's not in. You shouldn't visit her alone...and do limit the amount of information you share with her.

She's got a cheek wanting to see your wedding dress and to get ready with you, considering she only ever puts you down.

Good luck.

Be really blunt and direct about the wedding dress stuff - and soon.

“No - you can’t come to the fitting or the getting ready. That is reserved exclusively for my DM”

Also have you told your own DM and friends? You need their support. They will know what she is like - sensed it or seen it. They love you and will want to protect and support you - let them do that.

I would be gutted if my DD or friend didn’t open up to me for support if enduring something so dreadful.

My goodness, this took me back to my ex MIL, especially the comment about her being a proud ‘straight talker’. She was also straight into tears when challenged.

The only thing that I found effective was distance. Stop seeing her. Find yourself to be busy. Make yourself less available. Screen telephone calls.

Best wishes - these characters are so unpleasant but they can be dealt with.

@Gutterton

“Her nastiness to you is an impulsive urge because she is emotionally defective.

Her tantrums when she is called out is classic abuser / Narc tactic DARVO”

Thanks for posting this. I had to google the terms but realised this describes my MIL too. Helpful to find other resources.

Course I’ve just been calling her scum and a cnut but those don’t have the same clinical ring to them...

OP if you hate her so much and you know she will be a total bitch then why put yourself in the firing line for her comments by taking a card to her house and putting it through her door? Detach completely and don't do a single thing for her. By doing nice gestures like that you are still deep down hoping for her approval, and you won't get it. Treat her with the same disdain she does you and don't ever be alone with her so she can be nasty with nobody listening.

You seriously need to get this man on your side before you marry him.
Tell him you're having second thoughts because you don't want a lifetime of this.