Refusing to engage with me, stuck in Lockdown- what’s actually going on?

[sempereadem1]

I’ll try my best not to drip feed.

DH does not want to engage with me. He had logged onto his bank account on Monday and saw that I had transferred some money from his bank account to mine to cover the extra food bill by him being home (he normally works away Mon-Fri so usually does his own food shopping and I do mine and the kids). He’s been home since 20 March constantly so my food bill has gone through the roof.

I have his log ins, go in each month and move money around to sort finances as I take care of them generally so me doing that is not unusual.

I had done something similar back in January (extra Christmas expenditure so similar reasons) he queried it. I said oh that was xyz. Sorry I should probably have said and we moved on.

Back to now. He is adamant that I should have told him as we had a big row last time ?! And I’d agreed to always let him know.

I don’t recall that and in fact have messaged to show otherwise. I tried to explain it was clearly a misunderstanding, Im very busy working from home , meant nothing by it. But basically a great big row ensued.

I had been trying really hard to make things good as we had been having issues for ages. I said after we have had such a nicer time why let something like this get so big. He said I trample his boundaries and that I hadn’t really been making things better.

We left it for a couple of days but I noticed he was still being distant and he just said he didn’t want to engage due to my behaviour. We are in lockdown in a 3 bed with two kids. It was a misunderstanding with no malice on my part. He acknowledged no malice so I’m just flummoxed as to why 5 days later he is so angry with me.

I got upset last night as I feel he is treating me quite badly and he said something like oh there you go. Turning on the waterworks. Just so cold. Over a nothing.

I’m not particularly good in an argument situation when there is a refusal to speak. I like to resolve and move on. It’s been 5 days and I’m massively struggling with this.

I need some perspective as my head is whirling.

Has anyone got any tips to help me disengage from this? I'm clearly not helping by wanting to talk and move on. It's like this is my Achilles heel.

Of course you should have obtained his agreement before taking money from his account. The fact that the expenditure was legitimate doesn't give you the right to just help yourself to his money.

Can you explain this, as it seems more crucial than the money:

I had been trying really hard to make things good as we had been having issues for ages. I said after we have had such a nicer time why let something like this get so big. He said I trample his boundaries and that I hadn’t really been making things better.

What issues, and why are they your fault? In what way have you been trying very hard? And what's his role in all this? What boundaries, other than the money thing, does he feel you have trampled?

Sounds a little abusive to me, silent treatment is used to punish you, he probably has no intention of listening to your reasoning just wants you to feel awkward and punished . He sounds similar to my husband. Absolutely fine most of the time until he decided every now and again it wasn’t and for no apparent reason. Sounds like you have had other issues, I don’t have any insight but I have a feeling that he’s trampling over your emotional responses.

I understand what it sounds like flowerarranger in respect of the money.

I organise all of our finances and he gave me his log in to deal with them. I do it regularly. It has never been an issue until now.

We have had many problems which has caused resentment on both sides. I could see that it was getting us nowhere so decided to try and put my own aside, focus on the positives and just look forward.

So he had an issue with various things (as have I) and I tried to focus on improving them.

Can you tell us more about your set up? Usually couples put a set amount into a joint account to cover all bills and food. The amount should be fair to both, i.e. a percentage of your salary so that you both have the same amount of money left over after paying bills. Do you both work?

I think the fact that he has given you access to his bank account and you regularly sort finances show ms that there is an agreement between you that you sort finances in this way, but would need to know a bit more on your set up.

And yes I agree the silent treatment is emotional abuse and completely unacceptable.

He is punishing you for taking the money out of his account without asking. This is to make sure that you don’t do it again.

Try not to get upset about it as that is his intention. If it doesn’t hurt you, it’s not an effective punishment.

You need to come up with a better system for joint finances.

I know a lot of people who have joint accounts and either way one always tells the other I’m taking it out the joint account. Although his approach is immature and childish always let him know beforehand if you do next time it’s just a courtesy thing. Especially if you’ve had issue over this in the past.

It’s a positive that he has given you that access and trusts you I think it’s just a basic respect thing. Would it really hurt to let him know beforehand the next time you take money . Sounds simple to me

It sounds like you’ve got huge communication problems. He thought you’d agreed to something in January. You didn’t. You assume it’s all ok because you always do the finances. He’s given you his log on so it implies he’s fine when he’s not. He says you trample his boundaries (plural) but you have no idea (other than finances) what he’s talking about. The two of you are all over the place. Normally I’d say find an experienced counsellor and go try sort it out. However, this is huge amount of stress on you right now as you’re dealing with kids and lockdown and the silent treatment. He’s acting like a stroppy teenager and it’s not ok. I’m guessing it’s not just about the finances (hence the boundaries statement). He’s used to living life like a single man mon through to Friday and suiting himself. He’s now with you 24/7 under your roof and your rules. The bank transfer is a red herring. It’s a trigger to show his anger/frustration. He can’t take that out on you unless he has an excuse (because that would make him an arsehole) so the money transfer is a great excuse to go Full Metal Jacket. You’re actually being punished for a whole load of things that you don’t even know about. He’s failed to communicate. He isn’t even giving you the opportunity to respond to any grievance in an adult/mature way. Let’s face it, couples disagree. What they don’t do is give the silent treatment for 5 days because of a disputed bank transfer (unless it’s found out it’s to pay a prostitute or something else sinister). The punishment does not fit the crime. If he’s not happy about you taking money out for the increased food bill then he should say that and you both come up with a different/fairer way to do the finances. His behaviour right now achieves nothing. The problem is that if this is his go to response then you’re left with few options. Where does he live mon through to Friday? In your shoes, I’d be writing him a text/note/email
“This week long silent treatment is unacceptable behaviour. It’s immature and abusive. You either cease this today and tell me the real reasons for your sulk or issues with me or you pack your bags and go. I’m no longer prepared to accept being treated like this under my roof and in front of our children. You said I tread on your boundaries (plural) so this is obviously more than just about simply taking enough money to pay for the food that YOU have been eating. If you have issues with me I suggest rather than sulking making all of our lives miserable you man the fuck up and tell me or write them down in a bullet point list. Do something or leave”
Are you sure he hadn’t got somebody else on the go where he’s living mon through to Friday and that’s what this sulk is really about?

I'm page one someone will tell you he's an abuser and offer up women's aid number

Bingo!

No you shouldn't have taken extra money out without his agreement. However his reaction to this is disproportionate. Ignoring for days is unkind, he's punishing you which is not an adult or caring way to deal with issues.

Abuse though is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

I would also like to understand a bit more about the finances in your home. Does this man transfer you a set sum of money (which is probably not enough so you personally go without things) every month into an account in your name?.

Re your comment:-

"I had been trying really hard to make things good as we had been having issues for ages".

What sort of issues?. Are you all happier when he is working away from home?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Is this relationship well and truly over deep down?.

If all this is having such an effect on you, can you imagine what this is doing to your children?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want them to live like this as adults surely?. Their house is no sanctuary for them is it, their dad is using silent treatment, which is another form of emotional abuse, on you as their mother. They notice all this and they will pick up on all the vibes. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

I think he’s holding out for an apology from you for helping yourself to his money. You mentioned saying it was a misunderstanding, and asking why is it such a big deal, but have you actually apologised and said you won’t take his money without talking to him first? It is basic courtesy and respect. I agree you need a better way to manage joint finances. I don’t think you should have his logins if he doesn’t have yours. It would be better to have a joint account you both have login for and then agree not to go into each other’s personal accounts.

Not sure what the other issues are that could be contributing to his holding a grudge. Five days of being distant is extreme. I agree it’s best to talk and move on. Is there an olive branch you can use to break the ice and get back to communicating?

"We have had many problems which has caused resentment on both sides. I could see that it was getting us nowhere so decided to try and put my own aside, focus on the positives and just look forward".

That was really a mistake on your part and I do not like the sound of your marriage at all.

I have to look at you here and ask why you and he are really still together at all?. Putting your own feelings to one side has not worked out, he will merely continue to ride rough shod over you and use access to his bank account as a stick to beat you with.

If he had a problem with it then why has he allowed his wife to be in charge of all the finances. Perhaps if he feels so strongly he needs to change. You can’t be ok one minute then not ok. She’s his wife and that’s his children, if he has no trust then he needs to sort out his own stuff. Personally I think he is just upset about something else and this is just an excuse.

@limpbizkit

I'm page one someone will tell you he's an abuser and offer up women's aid number

Your contribution to this thread is limp, like your name.

What other boundaries have you allegedly trampled?
It seems that you have an agreement that you can take his money for the purpose of running the household so he would need to let you know if he is on s different page in that respect.

Regarding the communication and silent treatment, it might be because he is annoyed and needs time to calm down (I can be like that, I am introvert especially if I have told someone several times they do something that annoy me, they do it again and then me to talk when not ready, that would push me into silence). 5 days is long but could ut be he is trying to work out in his head why you two are constantly on different pages?

Lockdown is hard when you need headspace. Just talk to him about what you need day to day and try not to pressure him to talk about the very thing he doesnt want to talk about.

@LittleWing80 5 days of silent treatment is emotional abuse and stonewalling. It's possible you can't see this because you are doling out this treatment yourself.

Sounds like this is about way more than the money. What other issues have you been having?

What do you get out of this relationship? Are you happy? You don't keep on trying and trying to put aside your feelings and move on. You matter too. Maybe your relationship has just run its course.

It has never been an issue until now

Well it has happened before. There a difference between moving money for agreed reasons, and moving money without agreement. I agree with him, you should have said to him the food bill is x I’m going to move some money out your account to cover it, is this ok.

The whole relationship sounds dysfunctional.

The silent treatment is a sign of emotional abuse, but having your partners logins and taking their money from their account without their consent is a sign of financial abuse.

@SharonasCorona
Thank you for your diagnosis. I didn’t say it was ok. I said 5 days was a bit much. There aren’t enough details in the OP to assess why he reacted in that way. There are also conflicting statements as @bluntness100 just pointed out. This has never happened but the same happened at Christmas, etc... other issues but no details.
I didn’t say silent treatment was ok in general He made a strong statement about trampled boundaries so wondered if it’s not the case that OP doesn’t see where he is coming from whereas he is frustrated thinking he had been clear and no longer wishes to discuss the issue again.

It might not be the case, only thinking about a possible cause!

Apologize for taking his money without having the politeness of letting him know. You both had this problem the last time and to him it will look like you don't give a fiddler's about his point of view as you just carried on same as last time

He said I trample his boundaries and that I hadn’t really been making things better
WHICH exact boundary is that then? Seeing as you have access to the JOINT funds and are left in charge of dealing with finnaces?

He’s been home since 20 March constantly so my food bill has gone through the roof
So why didn't HE use his brain cells and think of paying towards the food with the funds he normally uses during the week?
Is he saying he's been ok with thinking that you were paying for it out of 'your' share?

He's in a strop about 'boundaries' because he's separated the weekly money you each spend as his and your 'share'.
Only he was happy with you using 'your' share to pay for his food cos - hey, it's HIS money anyway
You've touched 'his' share of money as he sees it and he's pissed off.....it obviously needs pointing out to him that he should have taken up the mental load himself and thought about contributing towards his food from 'his' money.......

Monkey monkey,

It wasn’t joint funds, the OP clearly stated
He had logged onto his bank account on Monday and saw that I had transferred some money from his bank account to mine to cover the extra food bill