Refusing to engage with me, stuck in Lockdown- what’s actually going on?

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I’ll try my best not to drip feed.

DH does not want to engage with me. He had logged onto his bank account on Monday and saw that I had transferred some money from his bank account to mine to cover the extra food bill by him being home (he normally works away Mon-Fri so usually does his own food shopping and I do mine and the kids). He’s been home since 20 March constantly so my food bill has gone through the roof.

I have his log ins, go in each month and move money around to sort finances as I take care of them generally so me doing that is not unusual.

I had done something similar back in January (extra Christmas expenditure so similar reasons) he queried it. I said oh that was xyz. Sorry I should probably have said and we moved on.

Back to now. He is adamant that I should have told him as we had a big row last time ?! And I’d agreed to always let him know.

I don’t recall that and in fact have messaged to show otherwise. I tried to explain it was clearly a misunderstanding, Im very busy working from home , meant nothing by it. But basically a great big row ensued.

I had been trying really hard to make things good as we had been having issues for ages. I said after we have had such a nicer time why let something like this get so big. He said I trample his boundaries and that I hadn’t really been making things better.

We left it for a couple of days but I noticed he was still being distant and he just said he didn’t want to engage due to my behaviour. We are in lockdown in a 3 bed with two kids. It was a misunderstanding with no malice on my part. He acknowledged no malice so I’m just flummoxed as to why 5 days later he is so angry with me.

I got upset last night as I feel he is treating me quite badly and he said something like oh there you go. Turning on the waterworks. Just so cold. Over a nothing.

I’m not particularly good in an argument situation when there is a refusal to speak. I like to resolve and move on. It’s been 5 days and I’m massively struggling with this.

I need some perspective as my head is whirling.

It sounds like an engineered argument OP.

Could he have hidden debt? Affair etc?

Sorry for the delay. I'm working from home and work is crazy.

Okay we see money as ours in our family. He works full time, me part time.

He has his own bank account, me mine. All bills come from mine. Mortgage everything. He uses my cash card to pick up stuff when at home as the bulk of house money is in mine. This is sometimes a bone of contention for me as I obviously have a lot of bills coming out and I don't think he often appreciates the work that goes in to balancing money about to where it needs to be. On top of him being away, me with the kids etc.

He has money in his account for his expenditures. I regularly move money around. That's what I mean about it not being an issue before. The issue after Christmas wasn't really raised as an issue, more a query. I honestly didn't take it as that he had a problem.

He doesn't give me a set amount. I transfer an amount that covers bills etc and leaves him enough for his stuff, spends, food. I have the same. There's not a great deal spare as we have not long bought a house and have lots of outgoings.

I'm definitely not financially abusing him. This has always been with his agreement. He's never been interested and just let me get on with it really.

He says he is upset with me that we argued when he raised it. But I feel we argued as I felt he was unfair in saying I disrespected him. I didn't do it disrespectfully. Just did it as it needed doing. Obviously this is now an issue so I will need to apologise.

He has become a bit funny about what's his and isn't his. I think this has probably got worse since him working away.

I think he feels as though he just finances the house and has no autonomy?

The financial situation is the same for me though. I got promoted a year ago with a decent pay rise. The extra money just funds the house improvements. Haven't bought myself any clothes for years. In fact he pushed me to buy some as he felt I deserved it. I didn't and we bought a new garden table instead

He's definitely not financially abusive or controlling either.

The extra money I transferred was what he would have spent on food has he been at work as normal for the whole month.

He's been sent home due to Covid-19

I need to make managing the finances a joint task. I often feel a bit shit about doing the lot anyway. It's fucking tedious to be honest!

If he was really interested in getting involved in “his” finances then he would be involved and not require asking. He clearly doesn’t want to get involved and is just punishing you for whatever his reason is. I doubt it’s about you transferring money though.

You’re a married couple, have combined finances then problem solved.

Your money set up sounds a bit odd, but each to their own.

However, his response is disproportionate, it feels like something else is going on. Otherwise, he's acting like a ridiculous petulant child. He gave you his log in details and you've been taking care of bills/money stuff for ages. You took money for food, not for some expensive pair of heels for yourself. And I don't believe it was a grand amount either. So him sulking and dishing out the silent treatment for 5 days because of the extra hundred (or similar) to cover HIS FOOD is ridiculous.

Are your spider senses going at all? The working away and now him getting angry at you for doing things that you’ve always done with no problem from him previously? I assume there’s no weird transactions you might have seen? I would be suspicious.

Your issues how long can you live with them? Is life long enough to be with someone you have issues with? Issues you can’t resolve just mean your waiting for what!? Is this your life living with someone you have issues with rather than alone without the issues. Or with someone where there are no issues. Life’s too short to waste a day let alone years on waiting for stuff to just change. Years down the line those issues would have cost you time you could have spent having a nice life. When we retire and get old the memories we make are all we have make them good ones

Wtf?
Financial abuse. Why has he got a problem with you having extra money for the families food???
How is it 'his' money when he has 2 children to support?
I don't get the other replies. He's giving you the silent treatment which adds to the control.

Erm... surely food money is family money and now he's ignoring you like he's a child....he needs to grow up and take some responsibility

Hang on - you work part time and have your own account...and ALL the bills come out of YOUR account?
So it is only your name on utility bills too?

He works full time, has his own account - yet doesn't do an automatic transfer of a set amount of money to cover expenditure????

He's got you taking on all the mental load as well as admin - and working as his personal accountant for free!
He's got you feeling like you're some sort of thief sneaking money out of 'his' account.........ask him why he hasn't thought of contributing towards the extra cost in food?

If he upped and left tomorrow and blocked your access to his account - how much shit would you be in?

“Why has he got a problem with you having extra money for the families food???”

That’s not his issue or problem. The issue is the OP just helping herself to money from his account without first letting him know. It is a simple courtesy. And he’d raised this issue with her in January when she raided his account for Christmas.

I agree they need a better set up to handle joint finances, but this is not about him refusing to feed his family. This is about OP having control over all the money and doing whatever she wants without his agreement or even informing him. He had to log on to his account to find out she’d transferred money from his account to hers. She didn’t even tell him, hey I’ve had to transfer £200 for extra food. She just took the money and said nothing.

Are you serious???
Wtf is he not transerfiong the money himself? Or THANKING her for working out they need extras cos he obviously hasn't!
Courtesy??? They have 2 children!!!

And the silent treatment is a HUGE red flag.

She took the money to feed his kids. Omg, she really is doing whatever she wants.
As a parent he should be doing that too. Working out whatever his kids need.

Helping myself to money from his account? Is that not what he does when he uses my cash card to fully fill up petrol? To buy himself some beers, a takeaway? Despite having his own? Do I go bananas and accuse him of helping himself to my money?

That's not how it works in our house. The money is joint. Hence why I don't say to him you can't use my card to but xyz there isn't enough. He uses my card and I just balance the books if it tips too far in one direction!

I really didn't raid his account for Christmas! I transferred £150 extra to cover SOME of the extra money that came out of mine.

Set up a joint account because the method you have right now is bonkers.

The money that bought the kids presents. The money that bought the extra food that Christmas brings, the extra socialising. Raised his account for Christmas? I really don't know how that has been extrapolated into that?!

You are definitely right Aerial. We've just never got round to it.

Why is he using your cash card to buy himself beers & a takeaway if he works full time?
This is all unbalanced. With a joint account, a direct debit can transfer what you both need for Bill's and he can buy his own damn beers

The extra money I transferred at Christmas was to repay what had been spent (on him also) out of mine. Not just for me?!

And tell him to sod off with his silent treatment