Refusing to engage with me, stuck in Lockdown- what’s actually going on?

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I’ll try my best not to drip feed.

DH does not want to engage with me. He had logged onto his bank account on Monday and saw that I had transferred some money from his bank account to mine to cover the extra food bill by him being home (he normally works away Mon-Fri so usually does his own food shopping and I do mine and the kids). He’s been home since 20 March constantly so my food bill has gone through the roof.

I have his log ins, go in each month and move money around to sort finances as I take care of them generally so me doing that is not unusual.

I had done something similar back in January (extra Christmas expenditure so similar reasons) he queried it. I said oh that was xyz. Sorry I should probably have said and we moved on.

Back to now. He is adamant that I should have told him as we had a big row last time ?! And I’d agreed to always let him know.

I don’t recall that and in fact have messaged to show otherwise. I tried to explain it was clearly a misunderstanding, Im very busy working from home , meant nothing by it. But basically a great big row ensued.

I had been trying really hard to make things good as we had been having issues for ages. I said after we have had such a nicer time why let something like this get so big. He said I trample his boundaries and that I hadn’t really been making things better.

We left it for a couple of days but I noticed he was still being distant and he just said he didn’t want to engage due to my behaviour. We are in lockdown in a 3 bed with two kids. It was a misunderstanding with no malice on my part. He acknowledged no malice so I’m just flummoxed as to why 5 days later he is so angry with me.

I got upset last night as I feel he is treating me quite badly and he said something like oh there you go. Turning on the waterworks. Just so cold. Over a nothing.

I’m not particularly good in an argument situation when there is a refusal to speak. I like to resolve and move on. It’s been 5 days and I’m massively struggling with this.

I need some perspective as my head is whirling.

Why do all the bills and mortgage come out of your account? Why not half each? Sorry if you're answered this before, but how much do you both earn?

Essentially,
They have separate accounts. The OP has her DHs logins and every month she transfers from his account to her account all the money needed for the bills. She said she leaves him only what she thinks is enough to cover his work lunches and an allowance (she said they both are left with about equal allowance). She then pays the bills from her account.

So any “extra” in the DH account is likely from her DH saving his allowance up over the course of several months.

The issues that have arisen are two
-Christmas she took extra money for presents without first letting her husband know. They had a “row” and he says she agreed to not take extra money without speaking with him first, she disagrees that she agreed to that.
-recently. Her DH is working from home, so when she went in to take the money for bills she transferred extra money because her rationale is that he didn’t need the usual money left for work lunches and ALL that money was needed to cover the extra food of home lunches. Again, she just did it and did not tell him before or after, just let him discover it whenever he logged into his account.

The issue isn’t were the expenses she has taken the money for are reasonable (they were), the issue is her just logging into his account and taking more than the usual amount agreed on for household bills without first telling her DH, or even letting him know after the fact.

Its just plain wrong. The end does not justify the means.

There isn't an agreed amount. That's what you are failing to understand! Some months take less or more dependent upon the situation.

I don't decide what he's allowed to be left with? We take what is needed. Honestly, you have the wrong end of the stick!

It's not that I didn't agree to it. There was no row. I can see we had a perfectly pleasant conversation by text. He maintains we rowed after that but I have no recollection of that at all. Very strange.

It's not work lunches either. He works away so being home for a full month meant that more was being spent on food so more needed to be taken.

Just the way it was set up. I agree it's not the best but him working away makes it difficult to pop into banks together and weekends are normally spent doing other stuff. Will have to sort it though - clearly!

Either way I have apologised. I cannot do anymore than that other than sort the finances better so there is less room for feeling like there is no autonomy.

I really do not want anyone to feel like that. Coupled with the fact I'm sick of sorting it anyway so would feel better not sorting it all alone.

We had to budget significantly to buy our house. He was happy to leave all the worry and stress of that to me. Us having better arrangements will hopefully alleviate that.

Jesus. So you are paying for everything and then some. AND you're organising it? Get your cash card back NOW. Set up his proportion of bills as direct debits from his accounts NOW. I don't know what some of the commentators on this thread have been smoking but you DID NOT TAKE HIS MONEY. He is taking the piss, seriously.

And get those fucking food receipts or bank printouts and slam them down in front of him showing him exactly where 'his' money went. And stop cooking for him - because he hasn't paid / until he apologises.

Absolutely out of order. Honestly why are you doing this? For a quiet life? When I first read this I thought he was an ex, there seems to be nothing there except you being his mum. I have money on it that he has a second relationship too. Just too strange for words, all of it. Time for him to join the real world.

I've just read that you've been communicating by text? In lockdown in the same house? How is that even possible???

Ther other response is baffling that you need to apologise and didn't 'tell him' to move money.
They are a family, I honestly wonder where that kind of thinking comes from. If he moved the money himself or worked out himself what HIS family need then it wouldn't be such an issue.
He is a grown man who should be wondering about their budget. Together. Not giving silent treatment because one adult is sorting out how to pay for food for THEIR kids.
Go for the joint account. Agree on your budget. Stop doing it all. He has no grounds to get annoyed with you when he is doing nothing to manage the finances for his family and you do it all the time.
The silent treatment is pathetic and controlling. Stop giving him your bank card.

No the text was sent last time he's queried when I moved some additional money after Christmas.

It was a text as it was midweek and he was away and we were at work when he asked.

I wonder if he thought what he wasn't spending on work lunches etc would be 'extra' money for him and he had plans for it? Would have been an idea to discuss it with you if that is what he was thinking of course but it might explain why he was pissed off you'd moved it?

Each family develops their own way of managing family finances and usually one partner will take the lead, but I have never heard of your method - honestly. At minimum it's more time consuming for you, moving money seemingly on an ad hoc basis. And at the extreme (where you are currently sitting) it lays itself open for massive fall-outs and misunderstandings.

Get a proper joint system worked out together - will save you a lot of time and heartache in the long run.

His behaviour is weird. There’s no way around that. It just is. He thinks you argued when you didn’t. So he obviously has big problems expressing himself. Or he’s gaslighting you. Regardless I would send him this message
“Obviously this situation cannot continue. It’s time to draw a line. A family can not operate under silent treatment. It’s unfair on me and the kids to be seeing this. You’re obviously not happy with the current financial set up. I’m not either. It takes a lot of time and energy on my part to have to manage it all and then for you to throw a tantrum when it’s not going as you want just makes it pointless. I suggest you write out how you want the monthly finances to operate. I suggest we write down a budget and then for you to transfer me (by direct debit) that amount every month. I then suggest you transfer an extra £50 into a separate account that we will set up which is a “slush fund” for emergencies. So in the case of a pandemic etc where you are suddenly at home eating all the food and I need extra money or risk going overdrawn then I can access that money. If the money isn’t used (and it will only be used in emergencies) then at the end of the year it is put towards a family holiday. Is this acceptable to you? I’m trying to make amends here so it would be good if you could meet me halfway”
If he doesn’t reply or can’t converse with you properly after that then you’re going to have to think seriously about letting him know you’re thinking of initiating a separation and he will have to move out. You can’t carry on like this

I think...

1. Once any couple is married, all assets should be shared. You ANBU by moving money into your account for food provisions.

2. He is being abusive by saying you're turning on the waterworks.

3. He is being passive aggressive.

4. You should stop buying his food.

5. When this is over, consider if he is kind enough to you. You might be better off without him.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It's an awful way to be treated. You deserve better.

He's completely out of order. So he's happy to sit back and let you manage all the money and pay all the bills and move money from his account to yours to cover it, like a baby? He's an adult. He should be aware of what's leaving his account every month and he should have his own DDs.

I agree it's not the best but him working away makes it difficult to pop into banks together

It really won't take long. Sit down and write down all the DDs that come out of your account/that you have to pay each month. Open a bills account. Work out how much you both need to transfer to the bills account every month - taking into account any descrepancies in what you both earn. The peson who earns most should contribute more.

Ensure you have equal money left over at the end of the month.

I think you were wrong to take extra money from his account without asking him or at the very least notifying him straight away.

However, sulking and the silent treatment is just unacceptable in an adult relationship so I think you should tell him this very clearly. You both need to be able and willing to talk about issues.

Why not set up a joint account? You could have both your salaries paid in there, then divvy up anything left over into your individual accounts.

DP and I have one joint account for direct debits - we know roughly how much needs to go in here as it covers utilities, all our insurance policies etc which are easy to budget for. We then have a second joint account which covers the more variable spends like groceries, house repairs etc. We both have access to these accounts and can see exactly what's going on.