Expose the affair or not?

[whodhavethunk]

Just looking for impartial advice. I know the husband of one of my closest friends is having an affair. When I asked him about it he tried to weasel out of it but was clearly lying. Maybe he thinks he fooled me but he didn’t! Question is, do I tell my friend? I sway from yes to no pretty much constantly. It will shatter her world if she knew but if he stopped and went back to her would she rather not know. Some say they would rather never have known. Others say the truth will always out. Any advice on what I should or could do, please? I am aware this is likely to be sensitive to some so I apologise. Her happiness is my first concern here. Thank you.

How did you find out? I would want to know if my husband was having an affair. I would trust my best friend to tell me. I would tell her .

I think if I found out my husband had had an affair, and my friend knew but didn't tell me, I'd feel doubly cheated. Also I think if anyone was to tell me my husband had cheated, I'd want it to be my best friend who would be there for me when my work fell apart.

*world 😳

I feel for you OP it's a horrible situation to be in x

You'll need to make a decision quickly OP. Now he's aware you know he'll start planting seeds I. Her head to discredit anything you say from now on.

The only response I can come up with (as it's so tough) is I think I'd rather know, if I were her so yes, as awful as it will be initially she deserves to know and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't and she find out later down the line and come to you for help.

She needs to know OP. Give her control over her situation not that cheating weasel.

I have been through this, and I wish so much that someone had told me what was going on. If a friend of mine had known and not told me, I would feel deeply betrayed by that friend. I would never have blamed a friend who told me even her suspicions, let alone certainties, about what was going on.

It is deeply humiliating to know that people knew about my husband (no close friends of mine as far as I know) but didn't tell me. It is unacceptable that other people know this deeply personal side of your life while you are in the dark.

One of the worst things about your partner having an affair is the fact that you don't know what is actually happening in your own life; you are constantly trying to find explanations and blaming yourself for small things (or disturbing feelings) which you can't quite understand. Also, when the truth comes out, you feel that your life has been a lie- the longer the lie, the more painful the recovery.

If you do tell your friend, I would also recommend supporting her in taking time to make decisions, not seeing black and white, and remembering that you have no idea how this feels and that any assumptions you make might not be true for her.

100% Tell her. She will be thankful to you in the long run xx

What an awful situation to be in.

My cousin divorced her dh after he had a sexual affair with her friend. Friend A told mutual friend B she fancied my cousin's dh several years before affair. Friend A is a single parent and regularly asked my cousin's dh to fix various things in her home - all seemingly above board to start with. One thing led to the other and they slept together over a period of several months. After discovery my cousin also found out friend B knew friend A fancied her dh all along as she would discuss him inappropriately when they met up. Friend B never ever informed my cousin about these discussions.

My cousin was totally devastated and humiliated - she had a mini breakdown. She immediately cut friend B from her life along with friend A of course.

@whodhavethunk
So sorry, I really did think you were another poster from a previous thread, where people had tried so hard to make the OP see sense,
which is why I got so cross.
I got it very wrong and I do apologise.

If it was over I’d say don’t tell her - I found out years after my husbands affair and wish I hadn’t.

If it’s ongoing I think it’s trickier. I think I’d be telling him to tell her.

@Samtsirch thank you for your apology. I appreciate it. 🥰

Thanks again all who have replied today with your insight. Sad it seems to happen so much. I really do appreciate your wisdom, so thank you. I think I will sleep on it again and go from there. X

Get proof tell her she deserves to know.

It really depends on what kind of person she is. A) She might be devastated, but grateful to know the truth. B) She might not believe you and end your friendship.
One of my former best friends had A DREAM I was coming onto her man (yack!!) even though she perfectly knew I would never do that to anyone. She ended the friendship (yes, because of a dream) in a blink of an eye!!! Came back few years later to apologise and ask to pick where we ''left of''. I said - no.

If my close friend knew my DH was having an affair and didn't tell me, I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore and I'd cut her out of my life.

That's just me though. I'm not one to bury my head in the sand... I would want to know, so I can decide what to do for my future.

Knowledge is power.

If it were me & you didn't tell me & I found out afterwards that you'd known & didn't tell me, that would hurt just as much as the cheating.

I think people split into two camps on this - some want to know, some don't. That's why the conversation about someone else is useful - you can sound out which one she is. People don't usually like to tell you because they get slammed for interfering, blamed and then cut out when that person stays with the cheater. But if they don't tell them they are betraying that person. I think until your friend gives you an idea which camp she's in it's tricky. You don't want to lose a friend over it, and you know she will be devastated so there's no winners 😐