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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Expose the affair or not?

93 replies

whodhavethunk · 24/04/2020 00:37

Just looking for impartial advice. I know the husband of one of my closest friends is having an affair. When I asked him about it he tried to weasel out of it but was clearly lying. Maybe he thinks he fooled me but he didn’t! Question is, do I tell my friend? I sway from yes to no pretty much constantly. It will shatter her world if she knew but if he stopped and went back to her would she rather not know. Some say they would rather never have known. Others say the truth will always out. Any advice on what I should or could do, please? I am aware this is likely to be sensitive to some so I apologise. Her happiness is my first concern here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
whodhavethunk · 24/04/2020 01:41

Thanks Chips.

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 24/04/2020 01:49

I would tell her, if I found out that you knew and didn't tell me, I would wonder what kind of friend you are.

On the other hand, if she blames the messenger/believes her husband when he says it's a lie, you're jealous etc. it could also totally blow up in your face.

As much as I hate anonymous letters, would it be an option in this case?

MsDogLady · 24/04/2020 01:57

I would certainly want to know. Your friend is currently in the dark about her life and marriage. Her husband is making a mockery of her and is putting her health at risk. As her friend who cares, you should let her know.

Poppybeaumydarlinggirl · 24/04/2020 01:58

I once had to tell a friend he dh was cheating and guess what ! She turned it on me and said I was jealous she believed her dh she’s never spoken to me since. So you can’t do right in these situations sometimes Confused

Poppybeaumydarlinggirl · 24/04/2020 02:00

I would send an anonymous txt or letter. Hurtful but???

Original poster
whodhavethunk · 24/04/2020 02:01

Thanks HoneyBee and MsDog

Not sure about an anonymous letter but it's a good suggestion. My worry would be she would open it on her own. Hmmmm.

I know this about her and not me and I need to keep remembering that!

OP posts:
Original poster
whodhavethunk · 24/04/2020 02:02

Poppy, that sounds awful. I am sorry you had to go through that. Well done for telling her though and thanks for your advice x

OP posts:
wehaveafloater · 24/04/2020 02:05

I told my best friend about her fiancés attempt to grapple me and his sleazy pick up chat only for her to dump me and keep him!

I saw them both at a wedding last year and although they are still together ( 20 years later ) two of the ladies I spoke to said they new he was seeing others all the time. Bastard even winked at me again.
I did speak with my former friend, but she was so obviously controlled by him, she was a shadow of her former fun self. It actually upset me all over again. So tread carefully.

Yankeescot · 24/04/2020 02:18

If you are her friend, you have to tell her! When my ex-husband was up to silly buggers with 2 of my friends, my closest married couple friends never told me. And was putting them up on weekend nights when exh said he was drinking and staying over at a sigle friends house. When it all came out, I've never spoken to or given a second thought to them again. And have since never spokent to them again.

A true friend doesn't leave a friend in the dark. If you care about her, tell her the truth! She deserves it, don't let her humiliation feel worse by your silence.

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 02:32

@whodhavethunk
If you do decide to tell her, will you feel better afterwards ?
Will it change anything for you ?
Will you know how to support her once you have told her ?
Because this isn’t all about you is it?

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 02:37

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Dogladyxo · 24/04/2020 02:46

I would 100% tell her. I'd want to know and expect if a friend knew they'd tell me.

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 02:56

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CandyLeBonBon · 24/04/2020 02:57

@LAMN21 that poster is hewasatwunt. Similar but not the same.

Original poster
whodhavethunk · 24/04/2020 08:23

Thanks to all those who gave me their advice - it's been helpful. Like I said, one minute I think I should tell her and the next I think I shouldn't and remembering it's about her not me.
Shame there are so often people who come on and sway a thread. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But to the others of you, thanks again.

OP posts:
Mummacake · 24/04/2020 08:31

Perhaps now you've raised it with her H, is there any possibility that he will come clean? I know it's unlikely but.......?? Such a poison chalice to carry. If you were my friend, I would be grateful - maybe not immediately as my world explodes, but certainly later on. Best of luck x

PennyGold · 24/04/2020 08:42

If I were your friend I'd be really angry that you discussed it with 'my' husband before informing me?!
I don't think it's your job to 'have it out with the husband', you aren't married to him?
You can't tell her anonymously, her husband will know it's you and I imagine will tell her, using a spin of "well they're obviously lying because they didn't put their name on it, I think it's "Annie" she's always come on to me when you're not around".
Be a decent friend and tell her ASAP, including that you spoke to her husband.
I can't believe you're wasting time asking Mumsnet, and talking to the cheating husband! Your friend is being cheated on and oblivious.

caramelbun · 24/04/2020 08:43

I think you should tell her. If a friend of mine kept this from me I’d feel like she was treating me like a child or keeping his secret for him.

It’s not your fault he’s cheating and it’s not your fault you found out. But now you know you have to do the right thing. it’ll be out of your hands how she responds, this might hurt your friendship, but not telling her is akin to lying in my opinion.

mbhgfcbyyrrx · 24/04/2020 08:56

As for truth, I know for a fact he is having an affair, there is no doubt about that, sadly

But do you have proof? Hard evidence that you could show her? If not it could all backfire on you...

A terrible position to be in. If I had evidence, I would tell her.

Dery · 24/04/2020 08:58

As someone said on another thread: you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. However, in your friend's shoes, I would want to know.

BlueChangling · 24/04/2020 09:07

I told my cousin, who was also my best friend that her partner had been cheating in her. It was very early on in there relationship. She choose to believe him and I was labeled a meddling bitch. While I remained close to her, he banned me from there home when they moved in together which meant I missed a lot of the kids birthday party's and other milestones when they came along.

12 years later she's finally left him. We had a heart to heart recently and she told me that he cheated and was abusive for nearly the entire relationship and she wishes she could have came to me for advice or a shoulder to cry one but felt she couldn't because of what happened when I first told her.

I don't think you should tell her. I have learnt that friends should be there as a shoulder to cry on, to offer advice when asked and no good will come from delivering bad news especially if the receiver doesn't want to know.

circusintown · 24/04/2020 09:09

Will you be sharing with us how you know and what exactly you know? Do you have proof?

It makes a difference

dottiedodah · 24/04/2020 09:38

Personally I would not say anything to her .Messengers tend to get shot! Often women will sense something is wrong ,but be in denial or are unable to deal with it until they are ready .By telling her you are taking matters into your own hands .As PP have said here, their friends and (one ladies actual Cousin!) have rebuffed their friendship ,and stood by the cheats! Be there as a friend by all means ,and if the Poo Poo hits the fan she will have someone to turn to.

Opaljewel · 24/04/2020 10:01

I would tell her. I I would want to know. Don't let her live a lie.

Alfiemoon1 · 24/04/2020 10:13

If I was the wife I would want to know and if I found out from another source I would feel hurt and humiliated if my friend knew but didn’t tell me. Do you have concrete proof op?

It’s a difficult situation and I agree it’s often the messenger that gets shot

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