Expose the affair or not?

[whodhavethunk]

Just looking for impartial advice. I know the husband of one of my closest friends is having an affair. When I asked him about it he tried to weasel out of it but was clearly lying. Maybe he thinks he fooled me but he didn’t! Question is, do I tell my friend? I sway from yes to no pretty much constantly. It will shatter her world if she knew but if he stopped and went back to her would she rather not know. Some say they would rather never have known. Others say the truth will always out. Any advice on what I should or could do, please? I am aware this is likely to be sensitive to some so I apologise. Her happiness is my first concern here. Thank you.

It really can go both ways.....she finds out from you or in some other way eventually and breaks up with him or he finishes the affair and focuses solely on their marriage. Someone from my extended family cheated on his wife and she never found out. This happened in the first years of their relationship. As far as I know he never did it again. They are happy, have a child and he's extremely dedicated to her and their DC.
I'm not excusing him by any means! I'm simply stating that real life is more than a set of perfectly defined ideals and principles.
I wouldn't take it upon myself to decide anyone's life or marriage or even influence it.
Just as a side note, which might matter or not, the guy I'm talking about had only sexual affairs. Nothing emotional.

Having been on the receiving end of infidelity I can tell you that if it happened again and a friend of mine knew but didn't tell me and I later found out about that then I would never never forgive them for keeping me in the dark. I would feel doubly humilated and betrayed, I would never speak to them again. I would always want to know - nobody wants their life to be a lie.

You could try the 'hypothetical' conversation. Where you ask her what you should do about 'a friend' of yours. If her advice is stay out, simply say yes I think you're right. If she says tell her then probe further, bring up all the messenger gets shot, what if she stays and I lose her concerns. Tell her the most important thing to you is the 'friend' and you don't want to lose the friendship. Ask her what she would do. Then even if she says tell her just say thanks etc and leave it for a few days. She may twig and get in touch or she may not but then when you do tell her she's mentally prepared.

Before you tell her though ask her again if she still thinks to tell 'the friend' just in case she's decided she doesn't want to know, you are humiliating her and she's backed into a corner and she may not want to leave. Maybe they don't have sex and although she would be devastated she would 'understand why'. Tread carefully but tell her if she would want to know - you owe it to her.

This maybe isn't very helpful as it's just another opinion but I would find it extremely hard to trust someone who I found out knew about my husband's affair and kept it from me.

To the extent that I would, if not drop the friendship, definitely severely curtail it because I would see it as them having been complicit in deceiving me for the sake of an easy life. That's an acquaintance, not a friend to my mind and not someone with my best interest at heart.

I know some people lose friendships as a consequence of telling, however so it really does depend on the person. Do you have any sense of which way she'd swing?

If she's genuinely one of your closest friends then of course you tell her, whether it's over or not!

I’d also have the hypothetical conversation.

Personally I’d want to know , but I’d ask to see the proof that you have.

OP

If you don't tell her, your friendship won't survive as I can guarantee you that at some point she will find out, and also find out that you knew.

Do her and yourself a favour. Tell her and don't spare her the gory details if there are any as she will want to know

Absolutely tell her it's going to be tough to hear but imagine if she found out from someone else and then found out you knew. That would be horrible. She deserves to know the truth

I can't think of a way you can honestly be a good friend and not tell her.

I can totally understand the not wanting to be the person to shatter her world but what's the alternative? Can you imagine talking, laughing, being a friend to her now and all the time knowing? How would you feel if a friend took that course with you? - presumably, patronised, humiliated, furious.

The bottom line is that her world is already shattered. The world that's not shattered isn't real. Even if she never found out, the fact is that she's put her faith in a liar and someone who is capable of the most horrible deception. A good friend doesn't leave you in that position, defenceless, not knowing.

If she finds out and finds out that you knew - you'd expect the friendship to be over, I assume.

If the deception continues until he leaves, and you know you had the chance to make her aware so that she could defned herself - get her ducks in a row financially, and you didn't - I wonder how bad you'd feel then.

None of this is your fault. I really feel for you being put in this position. But there is only one option which a friend would honestly take and that is to tell her what is happening in her own life and to give her the chance to take action or at the very least not live a lie.

I would definitely want to be told. My STBXH had an affair and people definitely must have known it was going on. I've never felt so hurt or humiliated by something. I'd rather risk being shot as a messenger, than being in the dark about something like that.

Good luck.

If she finds out and then realises you knew then your friendship could well be over. Tell her.

Personally, I'd talk to my friend and would flippantly mention that I had thought her husband was cheating because XYZ and even confronted him, but, thankfully, he cleared it up because obviously [insert his explanation]. I would say it like I had fully swallowed his explanation hook, line and sinker.

Then it is up to her whether to follow up on her own or ignore and everybody can save face.

Tell her. If l was her then l would want to know. It’s much worse for others to know and her not being told

Well I got a hand written letter from a neighbour from village when my partner was playing away. The whole village new before me. But I'm glad I was told rather than being kept in the dark.

Yes she will be happier in the long term and not regret wasting anymore time with him. From someone who has been through similar and also I would have been upset if my friends didn't tell me xx

I would make sure I had credible evidence and then tell her. I would never again trust a friend who had information like that and didn’t tell me, I’d see them as complicit. But I also know I’d never ever stay with someone who was cheating on me, so it would be very cut and dried for me, and I’d hope to move on with my life away from the cheat and with my loyal friendships in tact.

I would just lay out to her everything you know not assuming anything.

To not do so is a second deception.

When the truth does come out which it will, you being my friend and also finding out you knew and didn't tell me, I'd drop you like a hot potato. I would never speak to you again. Do the right thing by your friend, not that cheating asshole.

In my opinion, if you know for sure and you don’t tell her, you’re colluding in the deception and enabling his lies.

That said, you should only tell her if you can back it up with hard proof.

Please tell her. It’s the right thing to do.

I would want to know if it was me

Oh what an awful situation for you to be in. You know your friend best. It’s such a humiliating thing to be told and can back fire on the teller unfortunately. If you do tell her be very simplistic, stick to the facts you know and don’t surmise about him and his behaviour, if she decides to forgive then she will need your friendship and not to feel judged. What a shithead he is putting everyone else in a crap situation for his own pleasures. Good luck.

I would def want to know but yes stick to simple facts

I can't imagine not telling a good friend, under any circumstances. It will also come out that you knew. A good friend will believe you, most of the time the messenger is shot is with younger people. more impulsive and more likely to believe men's bullshit excuses

I think it depends on what you know and how you know it...have you seen them?