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Original poster

DD’s dad has had another baby and not mentioned it. Do I say anything?

63 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 23/04/2020 18:41

DD’s dad and j get on reasonably well - we can happily talk about Dd, and he does see her regularly.

A few months ago Dd came home saying from nursery saying she had a new sister! She’s 3, so I just put it down to a game she had played.

My sister has seen on social media that he did in fact have a baby a couple of months ago. Now I don’t care what happens in their home, Dd is always happy and healthy when she comes home, there’s been no change in her behaviour at all, so I’m not worried about that. Just thought it may be courtesy to let me know something that huge was happening is DD’s life?! It’s been so so long since we broke up I don’t know whether I bring it up or not?

I really don’t want to rock the boat, and he hasn’t missed a single weekend with Dd, so it seems like it could just make things difficult for something that hasn’t changed anything.

In lockdown (obviously) so no one else to sound this off against atm.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 23/04/2020 19:03

Wow OP, I’m sure you should have noticed if he’d been pregnant and had a baby.

Seriously though, just say congratulations on the birth of your new baby daughter and leave it at that.

Aly92 · 23/04/2020 19:08

It would have been a nice courtesy but I’d say leave it. Clearly he didn’t you needed to know and that’s fine just make sure you have the same mentality when it’s the other way around

Dery · 23/04/2020 19:13

It's quite a big deal for your DD so, yes, in an ideal world, he should have mentioned it. But it sounds like he's generally getting things right so as PP suggest, just congratulate him and move on.

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 23/04/2020 20:12

Tbh I don’t think I’ll congratulate, if he wanted to tell me he could.

Yeah once we got over the initial hideousness of breaking up and all that entails he’s been a bloody great dad to Dd and has never let her down, or been late, or changed days without plenty of notice. I think if I mention it, it’ll just be rocking the boat for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Rainsun1 · 23/04/2020 20:17

I think it’s quite a big deal. I would probably have to mention it. I wonder what your daughters dads reason was for not saying. I guess he could of felt awkward. They will be times where you will meet his other child it’s not really right that you have heard it from your own child.

user1481840227 · 23/04/2020 20:32

It would have been a nice courtesy

A nice courtesy?
Absolutely not, he should of course have told the OP that his daughter would now have a sibling, and any decent parent would know that. It can be a huge deal for a child when a new baby is born, especially if it's going to be a sibling that will live with their other parent! It can be upsetting for the child and they may worry that their daddy will love the new baby more. A bit of a heads up is the normal thing to do.

Anyone with half a brain would know that!!

I absolutely don't think it's rocking the boat for the sake of it to mention it. He should of course tell you about any big life changing events that may affect your daughter!!

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 23/04/2020 20:35

Yes, I’m with user1481etc

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 23/04/2020 20:35

See I did think that if Dd had really struggled with it and her behaviour changed I wouldn’t have had a clue, and would have no idea how to help properly.

So knowing about baby would have been helpful so I could ease Dd into the new phase. At least now I can talk to her about her sister and I’ll know if she’s a bit off that it could be regarding that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 23/04/2020 20:38

Ha so easily my mind is changed, but now it’s been pointed out it has pissed me off slightly. I was going into this completely blind and dd could have used mummy support when things were changing for her so much.

OP posts:
Lilolily · 23/04/2020 20:42

Ridiculous. Of course he should’ve informed you that your daughter was getting a new sibling that’s a huge change in her life!

HT96 · 23/04/2020 20:46

God he couldn't have just said at drop of 'oh just a heads up DD is going to be a big sister' ?? Seems a bit funny almost hiding it 🧐

Original poster
TeddyIsaHe · 23/04/2020 20:55

Yeah not sure why he hid it?! Obviously with a chatty 3 year old I’d know at some point.

I’m not sure what he thinks I would do, we’ve been split up since I was 38weeks pregnant, all I care about is dd spending time with him and being happy.

OP posts:
Marphise · 23/04/2020 21:55

I guess the real question is, how is your communication ?

Obviously he considered this was a private event that had nothing to do with you. Which people will have different opinions about, obviously !

Personally I think it would have been nice to tell you but he may genuinely not have thought it might affect your daughter in a way that would have made it useful/necessary for you to know.

Bring it up if you like but as he seems to be a fairly good and responsible parent overall I wouldn't make a huge deal of it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/04/2020 22:00

He should definitely have told you. But whatever...at least your DD knows. Use this as a template for future communication to him - keep things just about your dd and don’t divulge anything about your personal life eg new partners etc.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/04/2020 22:02

A few months ago Dd came home saying from nursery saying she had a new sister! She’s 3, so I just put it down to a game she had played.

Did I miss something here ?

Who the fuck took it upon themselves to inform a 3 year old child that she had a sibling ? without your knowledge no less ?

I agree OP.. you should have been told as a courtesy Flowers

Robin233 · 23/04/2020 22:14

I told my ex when I was expecting- dd would be 4.

noyoucannotcomein · 23/04/2020 22:23

I'd have thought he'd have prepared DD before the event! Do you think she only found out when the baby actually arrived? No mention of it from her in the weeks/months leading up to it?

Babyg1995 · 23/04/2020 22:27

I find it odd he hadn't mentioned it to you I would leave it though if everything is going ok and your dd is happy .

Stella8686 · 23/04/2020 22:34

Does the new baby live with him full time? I could understand if he'd kept it quiet (for a while) if he wasn't in a relationship with new baby's mother.

If he is living with a partner and has a new baby you absolutely need to know. You can't change it, but you need to know!

Plus having a new child can in some instances change his child maintenance payments

miccymaccy · 23/04/2020 22:40

Maybe next time you are chatting you could say 'hey Ex, you know I think you are a great dad don't you? And that I think we work well together as a team looking after DD. Ive heard you've had another baby, that's great news. I'm not a monster, not sure why you felt you couldn't tell me, but just to let you know I'm happy for you and want you to be happy. How's DD as a sibling? Should I get her some books about being a sister? It's a pretty big life event for her.'

Inthepurplerain · 23/04/2020 22:58

This post has made me feel really weird.
It’s odd how something so big has happened and he didn’t tell you.
It honestly makes me wonder what else he hides from you.

Starlight1243 · 23/04/2020 23:03

Tbh I didnt inform my ex I was pregnant on both occasions, it was my news with me and dh. We told DS who was 5 at the time and then told his dad, he was funny about dd not being his full sister and was abit unkind but hes grown up and was fine when we had ds. He ultimately had a child and attitude changed completely.

user1481840227 · 23/04/2020 23:31

Ha so easily my mind is changed, but now it’s been pointed out it has pissed me off slightly. I was going into this completely blind and dd could have used mummy support when things were changing for her so much.

Sometimes when people do really weird things I think the brain doesn't know how to react and gets confused lol but no it is a big deal and very strange that he didn't tell you about it.

Even as his new partner i'd find that very odd that he didn't tell you. Surely she would have asked him at some point had he broke the news and what did you think about it. Anyway that's not the point of the thread but just making that point to point to point out how weird it was not to let you know!

PumpkinP · 23/04/2020 23:45

The only thing I can think of is that he isn’t in a relationship with the mother and maybe only recently found out himself? Is that possible? You said he is a good dad so I would leave it, I don’t think other posters need to twist it into what else does he hide from you, you’re not in a relationship anymore so although it would have been nice to be told I’m with you on that one, but he obviously chose not to for whatever reason.

NurseJaques · 23/04/2020 23:57

I don't think you broke up 'so so long ago' if your DD is three?! Confused

And in that time your dd's dad has met someone new, introduced her to your DD and had a baby with her. Obviously not ideal but at the same time not within your control. I have a 12 year old dss and his mum had a baby a couple of years ago with new boyfriend and didn't tell DH as apparently 'he would go mad'. Not sure why she thought that and she also told dss not to tell his dad which was stressful for him and unfair.

People can be weird!