DD’s dad has had another baby and not mentioned it. Do I say anything?

[TeddyIsaHe]

DD’s dad and j get on reasonably well - we can happily talk about Dd, and he does see her regularly.

A few months ago Dd came home saying from nursery saying she had a new sister! She’s 3, so I just put it down to a game she had played.

My sister has seen on social media that he did in fact have a baby a couple of months ago. Now I don’t care what happens in their home, Dd is always happy and healthy when she comes home, there’s been no change in her behaviour at all, so I’m not worried about that. Just thought it may be courtesy to let me know something that huge was happening is DD’s life?! It’s been so so long since we broke up I don’t know whether I bring it up or not?

I really don’t want to rock the boat, and he hasn’t missed a single weekend with Dd, so it seems like it could just make things difficult for something that hasn’t changed anything.

In lockdown (obviously) so no one else to sound this off against atm.

He should have told you . It's crazy that he didn't .

They could have broken up with the op was pregnant though so 4 years and that is a long time, not a fresh break up.

That’s insane. I would be irritated as a teacher if parents didn’t tell me one of the children in my class had just had a sibling (so I could talk to them about it, support them if needed or had got woken up in the night, allow them to share their excitement etc). I can’t imagine not being told my own child was having a sibling!

I’m glad he is a good dad and quite likely he just genuinely didn’t think this through but I think you should just straight out ask him “have you had a baby?” And “congratulations. please could tell me if anything changes which impacts DD in future”. Imagine if they moved house and didn’t bother to mention it to you....

Did he just presume that DD would tell you?

My DD is older than yours but she told ex that she was going to be a big sister before I had chance to mention it. It was fine, he just said congratulations.

Very weird. Did you know he was in a relationship? Does he have someone living with him?

He obviously spoken to his own daughter about it so didn't feel the need for her mother to have to speak to her about it too. I don't really see what the big deal is.

The OP said she was pregnant when they broke up.

I suppose what I mean about 'so so long ago' is that if I knew a man and he said he had a 3 year old and a baby I wouldn't think 'that's a big age gap'... Then if I found those two children were with two different mums I would consider him to be a pretty quick mover!

Obviously I don't know this guy, but based on what OP has shared he just comes across to me as probably a bit selfish/irresponsible...

They are living together, and they’ve been together a while. Dd adores his partner, so that hasn’t ever been an issue.

I just don’t think he thinks things through tbh. Maybe he thought I’d kick off for some unknown reason? I haven’t kicked off about anything while we’ve been coparenting, so that’s a bit of a poor excuse.

I’m not going to mention it tomorrow when he picks dd up because I always make an effort to be lovely and smiley when we’re doing handover and I don’t want it to get awkward for her. But I’m going to send a (non arsey) message just asking him to please let me know of any big life changes.

I’m not sure if they’ve moved, I’m assuming them have because he was living in a large bed sit, no way he’d fit a baby and Dd in there, and I don’t know his new address!! Bloody hell

@Candyfloss99 the child is 3 it’s not appropriate that the child so young is expected to pass it onto the mother.
Bigger picture is when the sisters become older they will want to go to each other’s houses how will the dad explain that? It’s also very bad manners.

OP - is if possible he thought you already knew? Assuming his partners pregnancy was on her social media etc?

I don’t have them on social media, and don’t check so I don’t think so. But even if he thought it he should have still told me!

Dd is loving being able to talk about her sister today, now I actually know! So that is one positive at least.

I agree with rainsun1 it’s bad manners. I’d be very careful what you say though or you could be painted as the jealous ex. I guess this lack of thought shows one of the reasons why you broke up with him! It’s very weird to not say a word.

My DSD's mum randomly moves house, splits with partners, moves in with new partners and takes DSD out of school etc and never has told her father anything. We only find out after the event when we have to deal with the fallout. Apparently none of it is our business but we've managed. If your DD is happy and hes been a great dad to her then maybe there isnt actually an issue? Going forward how much of your life will you be sharing with your ex?

Well I was planning on giving him the heads up when dp moves in at the end of the year/beginning of next (current situation depending) and he’d know quite quickly if I was pregnant because he’d see the evidence.

I don’t mind him knowing about big things in DD’s life that may affect her in some way.

From your post in guessing dd didn't talk about it in the run up to the baby being born?

Does that mean a new baby was just sprung on your daughter?

It feels odd that he didn't tell you because the potential impact this could have had, however I guess if dd is no different he's handled it really well? Except the obvious letting the mother of his child know.

I'd be quite pissed in your position to be frank.

She never mentioned the baby or being a sister until around the time the baby was born (end of feb/beginning of March I think roughly).

I am angry because it’s a whole part of her life (being a big sister) that I wasn’t able to talk to her about and get her prepared, and be happy with her.

Bloody hell how in God's name did he work out that was a good idea?!

I'd play dumb - text him and say have you had a baby?! DD keeps telling me she has a sister who lives at your house... I keep telling her she doesn't but she's absolutely adamant?

You need to address this... what are you going to do? Ignore the fact he has another child for the rest of DD's life? It's awkward and impractical.

I agree with Isitweekend it’s a good idea.

Thing is if I message him he will just ignore the message and pretend he never saw it and I don’t particularly want to have the conversation at hand over when Dd is there. Why he couldn’t just ping a text over and say btw! Dd is going to be a big sister I’ll never bloody know.

My boyfriend has 2 children (older than your daughter, but not by a huge amount) and if I became pregnant their mum is one of the first people I would want to know. Obviously not including family and very close friends, but I would definitely tell her before putting anything on social media and just before telling the children. It just seems like a courtesy, and I would not expect the children to have to keep it from her or to be the ones to tell her.

It would have been bad enough if he’d only told you once the baby had been born, but to not even bother doing it then is very low!

Ahhh well you should just say it like that in person. Because at some point you will come in contact with your ex’s child. I’m sure he will feel relieved it’s been brought up.

Maybe I should get them a congratulations on your new baby card and do it that way