My mum dislikes being around my child

[OranginaAddict]

Have NC for this as I've spoken to some friends about it in RL and it could be outing.

My DH, DS and I are living with my parents at the moment during lockdown. DS is 18 months. My parents have a fractious relationship where my mum dominates my dad and he goes along with it for an easy life.

This is a long and complex story but I'll try and summarise being as accurate as possible. It's currently taking up so much headspace and I can't make sense of what's happened. My mum has never been an easy woman to live with, bad tempered and rude but when I moved out to go to live with DH (10 years ago) our relationship improved and we were very close. We remained very close until last year (I'm 30) when I noticed a shift in her attitude towards me and DS.

All the time I was pregnant (her only grandchild) she was so excited, buying loads of things for the baby and wanted to know everything that was going on. Until DS was six months old she was so involved, would spend as much time as she could with us and fussed him no end. I then began to notice changes which I dismissed initially. For example the morning of his first birthday I was organising a party for him at home, I'd asked if she could come over one hour earlier so I could get ready whilst she watched him and she said no she had to get ready herself. The party was midday so not exactly early. I wrote that one off but it became indicative of her attitude.

Now we are here living with them during lockdown (at their insistence) our house was being renovated and we were going to rent somewhere and couldn't because of coronavirus. We had an offer to live with PIL which she didn't want us to take and they are further away so we took my parents up on their offer.

We have been here over six weeks and in that time she has watched DS for three hours in total. Each time was as if she was doing us a huge favour. Once when DH and I went for a walk together and the other time when we have down the grocery shop. The only way she will watch DS is if we strap him into the buggy for her and have everything ready before we leave to go and she will push him until we get back and get him out - minimal interaction.

She won't interact with him at all all day unless it's forced, eg is DS reaches for her she will hold him but will always say "well I was just going to have a drink/ eat something/ go outside"- minimising the time she has to hold him.

She has some minor health problems and says she is exhausted all day every day but on an evening seems happy and awake and will happily potter all day in the garden and go shopping. Sometimes she won't even acknowledge DS in the room. It's honestly like he's a pure chore. My dad still works but spends a lot of time with his grandson and really enjoys it.

I know toddlers are hard work but he's well behaved and a chirpy little thing and I'm so sick of seeing him upset and rejected as he tries to go to her and she won't interact with him. I flagged it a couple of days ago as he was crying and she blew up and became irate saying I was expecting too much.

Even if someone were poorly surely they would positively interact with a baby that they loved and not just try to minimise contact as much as possible? Am I being unfair here?

Move to you PIL, that's what I would do!

Just go to your In laws. I’d put money on your mum feeling overwhelmed with it.

I would move to your inlaws, clearly the current arrangement is not working out and was never going to work out.

@Zombieseverywhere I agree

You can grow out of babies, and then you forget how much hard work they are and how they disrupt everything they are near.

I have no idea how to handle babies and toddlers and I have two teenagers of my own - my friends babies tire me within 2 hours and I'm only 40.

Nobody loves your baby quite as much as you do. It's a hard lesson but one that bears learning. their foibles, NOBODY else does. YOU have endless patience for I had a hangouts work meeting this morning with my department and one woman always gets her kid to sit on her knee. Nice kid, well behaved, ruins the whole meeting with yap and nothing gets done.

I agree with the others. Move to your parents in law. Your mum clearly doesn't want you around.

I have a similarly unmaternal mother. I’m afraid my only solution is to accept her for what she is, you’ll only damage your relationship expecting her to change.
If my DM had been born into my generation, I think she would have chosen to remain child free.
She did her best but clearly resented being a mother and it would be madness of me to expect her to suddenly become all grandmotherly.
Sympathy, I know it’s tough when other people’s mothers are so closely involved, but try not to compare and be grateful for the joy your DF so clearly takes in DS.

I would consider npd and the golden child vs scapegoat attitude.

My gran was a narcissist and my mother, her golden child. When I was born I became the scapegoat. Basically meaning my gran made her distaste for me apparent. Kids arent stupid, they pick up on these things. In time my gran became meaner and meaner to me and started to try to play me off against my mother. Always badmouthing me to her. Nasty woman.

You mum sounds like she may be a narcissist like my gran...setting your child up to be the scapegoat. If this turns out to be the case then please, please keep your child away from her.

That must feel really hurtful, you have my sympathy. Maybe it triggers memories of her being like that with you when you were little. Maybe not. It's strange that she suddenly changed.
It's especially bad that she rejects him when he reaches for her. I would keep him away from her as much as possible. Children are very sensitive to this behaviour.
Can you move to the PIL?

She sounds like a sociopath. Yes babies / toddlers are really hard work but what kind of person blanks their 18 month old grandchild when they’re trying to interact with them? That’s heartbreaking, poor little lad. I’d stop expecting anything of her and go low contact.

A non fully verbal , heavy to lift 18 month old is a million miles from a fun, articulate 7 year old - don't give up yet

It sounds like you allow your mum to dominate you as well.

We had an offer to live with PIL which she didn't want us to take

Surely it would have been your decision, along with your DH.

I suggest you go to your PILS as suggested by pp, as long as there are no vulnerable people over there.

I was going to suggest menopause as cause if sudden change in attitude, but what @Wanderlust21 said makes more sense.

Yes, got to your PILs.

My mum loved her DGCs as a concept and in photos, but loathed being in the same room with them. She had a rose-tinted view that children were always quiet, still, polite and clean, and couldn't cope with the reality.

I doubt your mum will change, she has a life where she gets her own way, and you are expecting her to put her DGC first !

Agree with pp go to your in laws. I'm sure you would all be much happier there

Aw this would upset me too. What does your partner think? I'd be tempted to go to the in-laws, the thought of your 18mo feeling rejected by his Granny makes me feel a bit sad

She has some minor health problems and says she is exhausted all day every day but on an evening seems happy and awake and will happily potter all day in the garden and go shopping. Sometimes she won't even acknowledge DS in the room. It's honestly like he's a pure chore. My dad still works but spends a lot of time with his grandson and really enjoys it.

isn't this the difference -- your father is not in his company anywhere near as much, whereas your mother is around him all the time and is exhausted and overwhelmed by being around a toddler, when she would prefer to garden and do her own thing? I think you can easily forget how much of a chore they are when you've not been around one for a while. It sounds like you expect childcare from her as well as being put up, but that's not how she sees it?

I mean, I get that it's hurtful, but maybe from her POV she's already done you the favour of putting you up, and just wasn't prepared for how difficult she was going to find being around a demanding small child in her own space, unable to go away?

I think you can love small kids but not love looking after them! I absolutely adore my niece and nephew ( not a nanny yet but a mum of four) but I detest looking after them! Small kids are boring and irritating to people who are not their parents, they are hard work as well. My mum was the same with my kids, now they are all older they get on fantastically. Try not to take it personally op, at the end of the day he's your child and your responsibility, not your mums.

Nobody loves your baby quite as much as you do.

I love my DGD so much I don’t think I could possibly love two little beings any more than them. They are exhausting and create havoc but I just couldn’t imagine not interacting with them or not acknowledging their presence.

I agree, move to your PILs. Your DPs may have liked the idea of you moving in in theory but your DM either isn’t enjoying it and/or isn’t coping and that is impacting you all which isn’t fair. You aren’t being unfair here.

Go to your PIL. You're just going to up your anxiety levels brooding over your Mum, and you can't change her so there's no point. She likely can't be bothered having a lively toddler around, not nice and she's got a cheek since she was the one who said stay with her don't go to your PIL but there it is. So just make an adult decision and go to your PIL. & Don't get into a fuss or conversation about it with your Mum.

I dislike being around toddlers tbh I can kind of see where she's coming from. Jumping straight to sociapath seems slightly extreme.

Nobody loves your baby quite as much as you do.

Completely disagree. My DParents absolutely adore my DD as if she was their own. They know her inside out and want to know everything that happens. They look after her a lot for us and I know she will be loved and looked after just like she was at home with me and DH. We used to live with them while we saved up for a house and they loved it. This lockdown is killing them because they can’t see her.

OP, your mum’s behaviour is weird. I wouldn’t want her to look after your DS if she was insistent on him being strapped in a buggy. What if he was upset? I would want to know that my DD was shown love if she was upset without me there.

I think you have no choice but to lower your expectations. Lots of people like babies but are not that keen on toddlers, my mother included. She and her husband also booked to go abroad for the dates they knew I was due, and used to book holidays to coincide with DCs birthdays. Very hurtful, and another reason we are not close.

You said that growing up, your mother was bad tempered and rude, so this current behaviour isn't out of character. Of course it would be lovely if your mother doted on your little one but you can't force her to.

My DC are adults now and, In your mother's defence, I find the couple of toddlers I know through friends bloody hard work. I've honestly had enough after an hour, but then I'm not related to them.

Move to your PIL. Just say as kindly as possible that you can see it's too much for her. She'll deny this, of course, but put your foot down. Say something like it's only fair to spend time with the other grandparents too. Something like that.

She’s probably fed up of sharing her house now as it’s been 6 weeks and she’s stuck inside with you all 24/7. I don’t imagine it would be easy sharing your home with a small child who is not yours, small children naturally are loud, messy and require a lot of care and attention, she has no way of getting out the house to getting some space either. You might find she shows more interest again once you’ve moved out and she’s not been around him 24/7 for the last 6 weeks.