My mum dislikes being around my child

[OranginaAddict]

Have NC for this as I've spoken to some friends about it in RL and it could be outing.

My DH, DS and I are living with my parents at the moment during lockdown. DS is 18 months. My parents have a fractious relationship where my mum dominates my dad and he goes along with it for an easy life.

This is a long and complex story but I'll try and summarise being as accurate as possible. It's currently taking up so much headspace and I can't make sense of what's happened. My mum has never been an easy woman to live with, bad tempered and rude but when I moved out to go to live with DH (10 years ago) our relationship improved and we were very close. We remained very close until last year (I'm 30) when I noticed a shift in her attitude towards me and DS.

All the time I was pregnant (her only grandchild) she was so excited, buying loads of things for the baby and wanted to know everything that was going on. Until DS was six months old she was so involved, would spend as much time as she could with us and fussed him no end. I then began to notice changes which I dismissed initially. For example the morning of his first birthday I was organising a party for him at home, I'd asked if she could come over one hour earlier so I could get ready whilst she watched him and she said no she had to get ready herself. The party was midday so not exactly early. I wrote that one off but it became indicative of her attitude.

Now we are here living with them during lockdown (at their insistence) our house was being renovated and we were going to rent somewhere and couldn't because of coronavirus. We had an offer to live with PIL which she didn't want us to take and they are further away so we took my parents up on their offer.

We have been here over six weeks and in that time she has watched DS for three hours in total. Each time was as if she was doing us a huge favour. Once when DH and I went for a walk together and the other time when we have down the grocery shop. The only way she will watch DS is if we strap him into the buggy for her and have everything ready before we leave to go and she will push him until we get back and get him out - minimal interaction.

She won't interact with him at all all day unless it's forced, eg is DS reaches for her she will hold him but will always say "well I was just going to have a drink/ eat something/ go outside"- minimising the time she has to hold him.

She has some minor health problems and says she is exhausted all day every day but on an evening seems happy and awake and will happily potter all day in the garden and go shopping. Sometimes she won't even acknowledge DS in the room. It's honestly like he's a pure chore. My dad still works but spends a lot of time with his grandson and really enjoys it.

I know toddlers are hard work but he's well behaved and a chirpy little thing and I'm so sick of seeing him upset and rejected as he tries to go to her and she won't interact with him. I flagged it a couple of days ago as he was crying and she blew up and became irate saying I was expecting too much.

Even if someone were poorly surely they would positively interact with a baby that they loved and not just try to minimise contact as much as possible? Am I being unfair here?

Reading that was heartbreaking OP

We haven't seen our only GC for over a month now and me and my DH are missing him so so much and we were both very hands on before the lockdown started.

It's been so long for us because I am seriously ill and disabled and my DD(DS's Mum)has been worrying non stop about me catching covid19 and ending up in hospital so I've been on lockdown for ages.

So I really cant understand your Mothers reaction have you tried talking to her calmy and finding out what's wrong?

I feel sad for you and your child - my mum was completely narcissistic and I can see echoes of that here.

BUT - on a personal level, I can’t stand toddlers and babies. I mean I love my own two dc to the moon and back but I hated the young baby / toddler stage and the thought of having to share my space with one - even a grandchild- fills me with dread. The noise, invasion of space, inability to communicate properly etc etc. I think maybe it’s all just a lot “more” than she anticipated and she’s finding it hard.

Something else, and it's probably not the case but on rare occasions it is - did she have an unhappy time (PND or simply stress and unhappiness) when you or a sibling was your DS's age, or when she was the older sister of a toddler? If so, that might be a contributing factor.
Unhappy associations (conscious or otherwise).
Worth a mention as no-one else seems to have brought it up.

'Minor health problems'?

Something like rheumatoid arthritis, perhaps?

As much as we all love the people we love, I think most of the country are nearing wanting to strangle their DH/DC/DPs right now with the ongoing lockdown.

I would throw myself in front of a bullet for DP, but we're now into week 5 of being stuck at home and I'd happily punch him.

She might just be feeling suffocated by the too much togetherness.

Thank you for the insight. DH has noticed the behaviour and said to me "she just doesn't like DS" which broke my heart.

I am going to look into NPD as I strongly suspect it's at play here and frankly Indonesia think anything will change long term. Just when I think things are getting better she explodes with anger again, the classic is "feeling hard done by".

We can't get to PIL now as one of them isn't particularly well. I just want to move DS away from this environment. I think we can manage another couple of weeks then we will be really really struggling.

Can you go back to plan A and rent somewhere? What stage are your renovations at?

Could she be going through the menopause? My Mum was like a different person when it started for her, which unfortunately coincided with the birth of my first child. It’s like all her emotions were magnified. She’d have terrible mood swings and to her it was everyone else with the problem. For example, I had a very long labour and she felt we weren’t keeping her updated enough, so she just turned up at the hospital - I wasn’t best pleased!

It sounds like she is keener on the idea of being a grandmother (excited when you were pregnant / DS was a baby, offering to have you live with them) than the reality. It's sad but I think you need to accept that this is how she is and lower your expectations, rather than wanting her to change. Otherwise you'll continue to be disappointed every time

My MIL is a bit like this - talks about her grandchildren in a very caring way but doesn't seem to want to actually interact with them much.

That's bollocks. She insisted that you live with them during lockdown when you had alternatives knowing that she didnt like being around your toddler.

Go and stay with your PIL and relax and enjoy yourself. No way would I stay anywhere if my children were made to feel like that :"(

I’m currently sat in a seperate room to my 3 (8, 5 and 3) and gearing myself up to start the day properly. I love them to bits but after 5 weeks of being in the house with them I would love 3 hours not to have to interact with them. Having 3 extra people living in your house is exhausting. Having 3 extra people in your house when none of you can leave must be stifling.

And I wouldn’t have come over an hour early so you could get ready for a first birthday party either.

My mum has adored my kids and was my child for 3 kids for 9 years and had them 3 days a week. Still had them in holidays. She’s very maternal.

But she still would have wanted space and I couldn’t have lived with her with them.

Some women do the baby but with their own kid and then are not bothered later other than for 2 hour catch ups or the odd bit if babysitting.

Your situation sounds like a more extreme version of what I recently went through. We were meant to move house but there was a gap, parents offered us to stay. Lockdown happened and everything was put on hold. We lasted about 6 weeks and then moved back into our empty house with just the bare essentials.
I have a 13 month old and am pregnant, my DM stopped going to her mums 3 days a weeks as I was isolating. I therefore thought she'd help a bit with DGS.
She spent all day in bed, on her iPad or watching tv. She did help a bit when I asked. But I felt like I was doing more housework there than at my own house!
I left the decision to DH as to whether we stayed or not as I couldn't help with moving our stuff back. Eventually he said we're going.
Before all this I did notice my DM offered to look after DS after I mentioned he was with MIL so I don't know if it had been a competitive thing, but I definitely expected a little more help during lockdown as it's hard!
Is there nowhere you can rent? I know some places are doing video viewings and social distancing viewings

My MIL is like this. She loves babies because they're immobile, can't talk and sleep a lot. But goes completely off the boil at about a year - 18 months when they're walking, won't do as they're told and have an opinion. She hates that.

She also talks the talk, portraying herself as this grandmother extraordinaire but it's a load of hot air.

She doesn't want to interact at all when she sees them in person! I suspect she finds toddlers and young children immensely irritating which is fine, but at least be honest about it!

I absolutely adore my GC. I have them a few times a week while their parents work. We do lots of indoor and outdoor activities and I love having them. Then they go home and I get to recharge my batteries.

As I said I adore my GC. I really don’t have the energy levels to have them living with me 24/7.

OP you say you left your DC with your mum for you and DH to walk together. You could have taken DC with you. Your mums usual life has totally been taken over. She would appreciate some time on her own.

You also seem a little disgruntled that she finds the energy to potter in the garden. Why should she give up her hobby because her GC has moved in?

You sound like you don’t like your mother. It would be best for everyone if you moved out tbh

The walk was because it was DH's birthday and we asked if we could go for a walk together for one hour. Apart from that and when I have shopped for her twice (I've gone more but just DH kept DS with him, he's usually working) she hasn't had him at all so I don't feel that's a big ask.

I don't mind at all that she does other things for herself I'm pleased she does but I don't understand not wanting to be around your GC!

This thread has been helpful though- I think it's basically that she finds him exhausting, boring and hard work and because she really talks the talk she's angry that this has been exposed? I'm also confused because when DS was born she offered to have him three days a week when I went back to work, but when the time came she didn't say anything and just made it clear she couldn't manage that. That's all fine it's just she's saying one thing and doing another.

She moans a lot about my MIL and likes to try and be "top dog" but MIL adores DS and has lots of energy, would happily have him all day if she could (not that we do that but she is the kind of grandparent who wants to be with her grandchildren as much as possible) and I think this irks DM as there's no way she can pretend she is more hands on than MIL.

Our house is uninhabitable, we are going to try and plod on until the next review and if no change may have to look into renting somewhere again.

I went through a similar experience many years ago. The excitement at being a grandma, the invitation to stay temporarily, the offer from a nice MIL, and the realisation that my mum didn't actually like any of us.

On the very rare occasion that we see her at a family event, she doesn't try to hide her dislike of us - although she seems surprised that my children have no interest in her.

Be prepared for your mum to fly into a rage when you eventually tell her that you'll be moving out. It's probably the opposite of what you would expect to happen but mine was furious. With hindsight it was about a loss of control over me/us.

She may even attempt to garner sympathy from friends and relatives, painting herself as the loving grandmother with an ungrateful daughter who has deprived her of her much-adored grandchild.

If I could go back in time and offer myself advice, it would be this, "Don't worry about what other people think. The mask will eventually slip and people will see through the act. Equally, don't tie yourself in knots trying to win back her approval. You won't get it."

I think it's basically that she finds him exhausting, boring and hard work and because she really talks the talk she's angry that this has been exposed

^^ This is it, exactly. I know, because my mother is the same.

I'm also confused because when DS was born she offered to have him three days a week when I went back to work, but when the time came she didn't say anything and just made it clear she couldn't manage that.

You are genuinely confused that someone might have expressed a wish before a baby was born having forgotten what a really small child was like in the 30-odd years since they had their own and then changed their mind when they remembered?

My ex MIL was similar, no real love for her grandchildren, it's just not in her psyche. She isn't warm at all, and estatranged from most of them. I can totally see why my ex is messed up if this was what he had to live with. Go stay with your PIL.

My mum used to look after my children a couple of evenings a month when I worked. They ate food I had prepared and basically were just ignored. Then I would get back desperate to see them and she would interrupt and speak over me and them so basically I was unable to speak to them then she would chat to me about her day so I would miss them when I was at work and be prevented from speaking to them when I got back as she wanted my attention. She knew how much I struggled being away from them and was desperate to see them.
She is always excited and happy to see me and my siblings and she would say she loves her grandchildren but her behaviour says different.
I had no choice though. Put up with it and a lot of other unreasonable behaviour or leave my job as i couldn't get any other evening childcare.
That time was years ago but my children still mention it now and say remember gran used to cook a roast dinner for her and x but she wouldnt let us have any?
They never went hungry as I took food round for them but I found it all beyond odd as I am very maternal. Maybe your mum is the same. Loves you but isnt bothered by the grandchildren. My mum isnt interested in my siblings children either. (I am grateful for my mums help it was just very minimal and my boys could walk to her house now if they wanted but they never ever do as they know they are not welcome, wouldn't get a drink or anything to eat.)
Your mum will find she will reap what she sows if she doesnt make an effort.

Why do the fathers and FIL get free passes here?
No one expects them to babysit.

I'm a grandmother and our DC seem to forget that when you grew up, moved out, got married, etc. our lives didn't stop. I have a life of my own now with a career, hobbies, friends, travel.

I love my DGC dearly but I can only take them in small doses. It doesn't mean I'm cold, psycho, or whatever nasty thing for not meeting your expectations.

It means they quickly wear me out.

I stayed with my DD for about 6 weeks while she started a new job.
She'd leave around 6am and return at 10pm or so and I watched 3 DGC every day all day. I didn't have the car so I couldn't take them out. I did my best but I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

So before you go off in a huff to you PIL, consider your mum's feelings for once. Maybe she would like to take a long walk outside and have some peace and quiet. Maybe she'd like it if someone cooked the meals and cleaned so she could just relax a bit.

I think you have to accept that our parents doesn't share our feelings about our children. I know that is hard to hear and it is hurtful because we feel our children are an extension of ourselves and therefore should be loved. Perhaps too the realisation our parents don't love us as we previously thought. I was hugely disappointed when my children (the only grandchildren) were barely tolerated when I visited the house I grew up in. They would sit and talk. Just talking was enough for them to be spoken to with raised, sharp voices that other people were listening to the news on the tv! It was just the way I had grown up myself. I remember once when my father was going for a short walk which would involve going past some farm animals. My child asked to go and was told no. Seeing their disappointment, I took them myself and was informed that I shouldn't bother and they'd forget about it soon enough. In truth, it made me sad for myself as that was how I had been treated as a child.

Take your child out of that environment. If your mum isn't interested in your child, then don't subject your chiild to it and please do not leave your child with your mother when you are at work. She will not nurture him.

She sounds like she has a health worry to me. You don't give her age but if you are old enough to have kids then she's elderly. Try starting the subject with.. Are you alright mum? Don't make it about her attitude or she's going to get defensive.