Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it fair to ask him to pay this?

83 replies

ERL1 · 21/04/2020 20:06

So, after a long time coming, I'm going to ask my DP for a separation.

Not married, no kids, joint mortgage. I want to ask him to move back with his parents. We live about a 20 minute walk from my work, his parents live in the same town he works in, some 30 miles away.

At the moment, we have separate accounts that our wages are paid into, and we transfer money over to a joint account for household bills. He pays for Council Tax (£200), and food (£200 per month) so he transfers £400 to the joint acct each month. I pay for everything else- mortgage, gas, electric, life insurance, pet insurance, broadband etc etc. I transfer around £1,400 per month to cover this. Yes, up till now he's had it easy.

Since it will be me instigating the split, and asking him to move out of his own house, would it be fair to ask him to pay half of the joint bills? By this I mean mortgage, council tax, life insurance, pet insurance. I would not ask him to pay gas, electric, broadband, or food.

He would need to transfer roughly £500 a month. Bearing in mind he won't have transport costs anymore either since he won't have a commute at his mum's.

This would only be up till this pandemic is over, then we can sell the house. I can't afford to buy him out unfortunately.

Is this fair considering I'm asking him to move out of his home?

OP posts:
SunShine682 · 21/04/2020 20:55

No you can’t ask for the key back. It’s his house. He can come and go as he pleases

IgglePiggleNotInBed · 21/04/2020 20:57

How much is left on your mortgage? Are you able to remortgage to cover the cost of buying him out?

Original poster
ERL1 · 21/04/2020 20:59

He can come and go as he pleases even if I'm paying 100% of the expenses? Sad really?

OP posts:
heymammy · 21/04/2020 21:01

He sounds like a freeloader. I would give him two options:

  1. Stay in the house but live separately (yes that also means doing his own cooking/washing) and pay exactly half of the joint bills. You are no longer a couple therefore you are not willing to subsidise his living costs.
  1. Move out to family and pay half of the mortgage.

He'll be out like a shot I imagine.

Original poster
ERL1 · 21/04/2020 21:02

Oh God, I'm so fucked. I just need to be away from him. I can't even move out myself because he can't afford all the bills by himself. I'm worried he will just let the mortgage default.

OP posts:
SeriouslyRetro · 21/04/2020 21:07

Could he afford to buy you out? The trouble with anyone buying the other out is the uncertainty in the market right now, and one person is going to favour the lower valuation while the other party might expect a more realistic valuation from a year ago to walk away with.

Original poster
ERL1 · 21/04/2020 21:08

No, neither can afford to buy the other out. Neither can we remortgage.

OP posts:
SeriouslyRetro · 21/04/2020 21:12

Does he love/like you? Want to remain in a relationship? Respect you? I think that will determine how you approach it. If you can lay it out in a civil way that's you're not happy, you don't think he is either and you think it's for the best you separate as amicably as possible. Discuss the joint asset, how does he think would be fair for you to unjoin yourselves? Timescales etc. The current global situation is throwing a lot of uncertainty around the place.

heartsonacake · 21/04/2020 21:48

He can come and go as he pleases even if I'm paying 100% of the expenses? sad really?

Of course he can; it’s still his house.

millymollymoomoo · 21/04/2020 22:20

Assuming you own the house as joint tenants you each own 50%
doesnt matter who pats the mortgage , it’s joint and several liability
Legally it’s as much his house as yours
So you’ll most likely need to stay in the sane house until you reach agreement / sale or unless he agrees to voluntarily move out

CheddarGorgeous · 21/04/2020 22:30

I think you are going to have to write off the money, ask him to move out and hope he's not going to be a dick about it.

But get legal advice. Decent advice.

BackseatCookers · 21/04/2020 22:40

He can come and go as he pleases even if I'm paying 100% of the expenses? really?

Of course. Just like if a stay at home mum lived in a home with a husband who technically paid the mortgage out of 'his' wage, he couldn't just turf her out.

I totally understand it's different in your case but unfortunately this is all a result of the inequality in your relationship and contributions not being addressed and sorted sooner. I don't mean that to sound unhelpful but I think you need to be realistic.

You really need to call a solicitor ASAP with clear information re your mortgage agreement in front of you, to find out what you need to do next and how much it's likely to cost you.

He's taken the piss but unfortunately because he's been able to, he is in a better position as he has the status quo plus a safety net of family to fall back on should he need to.

It sucks but that's life. You can't ask for his keys etc, he legally as absolutely as much right as you to be in the property and do what he wants there.

What is
Morally Fair / unfair often doesn't come into play as regards the law. You need to find a solicitor who can help you unravel this.

Hannah021 · 21/04/2020 22:47

plz dont do anything before seeking legal advice.

Ur situation is complicated. Cant believe he paid nothing and still has his name on the mortgage ??????? Like why would u do that???? U r paying by urself anyway???? As for bills they all have to be 50/50....

Plz dont act until u speak to a lawyer, and do it fast.

Onemansoapopera · 22/04/2020 00:44

If your mortgage is 720 are you saying your life and pet insurance and utilities are another 700 a month?

Gingerkittykat · 22/04/2020 01:13

Does he even want to go and live with his parents? You can't expect a grown man to give up his adult life just because it is not convenient for you.

circusintown · 22/04/2020 01:23

@Hannah021

"Cant believe he paid nothing and still has his name on the mortgage ??????? Like why would u do that???? U r paying by urself anyway???? As for bills they all have to be 50/50...."

Presumably to meet the mortgage criteria in the first place? Confused lots of people are in this situation. It's not complicated. If he wants to live there he can, if and when you sell the house half of any profit is his.

No idea why you'd have allowed him to live without contributing but you can't ask him to move out and start paying council tax. He'll have to pay it wherever he moves to.

I'd be telling him he needs to pay his half of the mortgage but again, there's nothing you can do to make him.

You say you think he'll just default on the mortgage - does that mean you are transferring the money to an account that he has sole control over? Why wouldn't you just ensure it's paid yourself? And without children on the scene or a partner what exactly is the life insurance for?

Opentooffers · 22/04/2020 01:45

A lot of mortgage companies are giving 3 month payment breaks while covid does it's worst, so ask your mortgage company about that - some even do a year if been a loyal customer for years. Then while this goes on you have no mortgage to pay, then sell after -sorted👍

Itisab0y2020 · 22/04/2020 01:46

Just because his parents live locally, doesn't mean he should go & live with them

As a property owner, why would that want to live or rent somewhere else

Seek legal & mortgage advice

One of you can buy the other out
Or
You both remain in the property, but live separately
Or
You sell and split the money
Or if one person moves out, get a lodger

Original poster
ERL1 · 22/04/2020 06:23

Christ, no wonder people stay in unhappy relationships for so long. The alternative is just as shit.

Thank you all for your posts. I will try to contact a solicitor this week.

OP posts:
dudsville · 22/04/2020 06:34

Good luck ERL1, this looks like a hard life lesson for you. I think the outcome is going to be either you buy him out (which you say isn't an option, but you've been doing this mostly on your own, so you might be surprised, i.e. longer term mortgage, cheaper bills for 1) or you sell to be free. Once you get your appt with a solicitor then you can speak to your mortgage lender. This can be fine quite quickly, then The Talk with stbex. Mine decision was to increase the length of my mortgage and pay my ex the money owed. It was scary but it turned out to be a fabulous decision.

category12 · 22/04/2020 06:52

I think that if he moves out voluntarily and agrees for you to live there alone, he would be expected to give you notice before visiting and before moving back in. You would have the right of quiet enjoyment. (People on here always say partly owning the place means the ex can just walk in, but it's not entirely true). It'd need to be formalised (and I admit I may be wrong) but I don't think it's as black and white as pps have said.

glitterfarts · 22/04/2020 07:03

See a lawyer. If you've been paying all the mortgage and deposit, I see no reason a good lawyer could not get you more than 50%.
He also can't come and go as he pleases if not living there, just as my landlord can't.

If you're already paying everything you might be able to afford it without him. Us it 2 bed? Could you get a lodger?

If living alone, bills and food will go down. Council tax will go down.
Why would you pay life insurance on an ex. Get him off your premium.

See a lawyer first.

sammylady37 · 22/04/2020 07:09

Funny how he’s described as being ‘an arse’ and ‘not contributing’ when the op has said that she is the higher earner and on these threads when the man is the higher earner we’re constantly told the household expenses should be spilt according to income so the higher earner pays proportionally more. Op hasn’t said whether the 400/1400 split is based on their earnings or how it came about.

FinallyHere · 22/04/2020 07:20

the household expenses should be spilt according to income so the higher earner pays proportionally more.

This ^ sounds absolutely fair in a family where one person takes a hit in salary and career prospects in order to look after children.

Two adults, no children ... not so much.

DeathByBoredom · 22/04/2020 07:23

The idea about the mortgage freeze might be worth exploring? Press re-set on contributions so its 50:50 each but noone is paying the mortgage. If you looked at mortgage though, you might find you are not paying huge amounts of equity (which he would get a percentage of) anyway - it's mostly interest. And you've paid it so far, what is the actual amount of extra money he might get if you kept paying the mortgage for a year? Say you pay £1000 and £300 of that is repayment, then it's only about £2k over a whole year. Not worth the fight - your solicitors fees will be more. (Totally invented figures!)