Is my bf lying to me about his ex gf? Gaslighting?

[Sofi31]

Hi guys, this happened before Coronavirus but it’s been playing in my mind since.

About 5 months into our relationship, there was a shared pic on his fb. His ex gf posted a pic of his front living room with a takeaway and bottle of wine, captioned Netflix and chill. Cringe, I know.

I asked him and he said, they do hang out and it was nothing. I remember speaking to him that evening, it was a bank holiday. He told me he was at home, having a bath and working on his portfolio.

He omitted his ex. I was upset, not because I was jealous. I’m okay with them being friends, but I want honesty. He said it’s awkward and his past gf didn’t like it. I asked him to be truthful in the future. He agreed.

Fast forward a few months. I was at the local Tesco and a mutual friend bumped into me. Asked how my bf and I are. She mentioned she saw my BF and his ex having lunch at the local fair a few days ago.

I remember that day, my BF told me he was home all day, poorly.

Again confronted him. He told me the truth and said they went to a fair, then lunch. He came home and was feeling ill the rest of the day.

So he wasn’t “lying”. And he didn’t mention his ex as there was nothing to tell.

I’m not insecure, I’m happy within myself but I hate liars. I’m still with him but thinking of ending it.

44?? I thought you were going to say he was in his early 20s or something!

Definitely dump!

@Ginger1982 yes, he and his ex are 44, 45. I’m 35.

Netflix and chill = shagging.

He's lying (and not even by omission) and probably cheating. I'd say get rid of him.

You're worth someone who is satisfied with just you. If he's lied about that he can lie about shagging her.

Dump him. I would text and say you've had time to think in lockdown and he dosnt offer what your looking for.

**My biggest downfall is that I always think and remember the good in a person, rather than the bad. I will remember the time he helped me when my car broke down over the times he lied.

Write down all the bad points if it helps you remember. I did this and made sure I read it every day until my brain stopped me only remembering the good bits

He’s deceitful... dump.

I had one of these, OP. Exactly the same. It makes you question your own perceptions and question whether you’re the one being unreasonable and jealous. Don’t be me. Walk away!!

Having his cake and eating it OP..

He doesn't respect you at all and puts his needs and wants way above yours.
Just dump him as soon as possible.
Personally, I wouldn't justify it with the reason - he would probably choose to mis-interpret it.
A simple this isn't working for me will do nicely.

Netflix and chill means shagging op..
His loyalty to her is more important to him than any respect to you.
Block him in all ways op.
And join the RAC..

Other people have said it , but
He said I over reacted and my behaviour showed him a side of me that was unattractive and questionable

Brilliant!!! He hit exactly the right nerve to make you behave the way he wants you to.
This man has done this before- he's awfully good at manipulating people, isn't he?

I understand what you mean about giving him another chance, he has good qualities etc. Life isn't like a western movie. People don't wear either a black hat or a white hat: people aren't all good or all evil.

But, being funny, or charming or intermittently thoughtful does not buy anyone a 'pass' to lie, and be deceitful.
People who lie to you are showing you, by their actions that they have no respect for you.
What else is there?

He said I over reacted and my behaviour showed him a side of me that was unattractive and questionable

Off he fucks then.

Because whichever way you look at this, one of you is bringing out the worst in the other and / or so is the other one!

Nope. Throw this one back in the sea.

Always surprises me when people mention every friend they have but manage to avoid talking about the one they've shagged and continue to see on the regular.

Also him getting caught out and trying to make out you're the one with the problem is just pathetic. Keep it short and sweet...he's made you feel uneasy and he should have mentioned he was still in contact with his ex out of respect for you...pretty simple really.

Definitely get rid.

Hi instantly negging you and making his piss poor behavour YOUR fault? Nope. No no no no no. Bin and block and bin some more.

In fact because she put the 'netflix and chill' message on FB it's likely she doesn;'t know you exist OP or put another way, she is the GF and you are possibly one of many OW.

Do you live with him?
He’s a lying cheating scumbag.
A relationship should make you happy.
Your body is telling you all you need.
You need to end it.
Try and not get into too much detail with him. He will switch it to you and make it your problem.
It’s his problem. Stay firm.
He’s 44 - he’s got used to lying and cheating.
You on the other hand are a faithful kind human being.
Please do not let him fuck you over emotionally.
He not worth it.
Don’t wait till lockdowns over either.
Piss him off today.
“It’s not working for me” rinse and repeat.

Don’t put up with that you deserve better, walk away and don’t look back x

Get rid. He's sleeping with her and taking you for a fool. You deserve much better than this wanker.

Great, now you can say ‘sure thing, him, but I don’t want to be with someone who finds me questionable and unattractive so I’m gonnnnnnnneee’.

Also in my 20s I had this kind of relationship with an ex (NOT cheating on others certainly on my part and I thought not on his). It is hard to explain the lure of having friendship, history and attraction with all the frisson of it being on and off again - like a loop of constantly dating but comfortable like old chums. I got out of that (and many other dubious relationships!!) afte realising I really wanted marriage and children with someone sensible and trustworthy and had a lot of therapy to examine and change my own behaviour patterns.

Ex didn’t and has had a few awful relationships stringing along lovely women and making them feel shit (I don’t see him personally, maybe once every couple of years at a large dinner with my v nice dh in tow but part of a very large extended crowd). I know two women he’s been in a relationship with and quite a lot about a third.

I honestly think our situation suited him rightly and he would have kept it going forever if I hadn’t changed the dynamic. In retrospect, I think he might have used me to ‘spook’ other girls like ‘who is that reasonably attractive girl he’s being so friendly to at a party oh they go wayyyy back’, again I def took moves to get out of this dynamic.

But this was in our twenties! And we both were quite fucked up with complex family backgrounds that made it very, very hard to commit.

I really, really like my ex as a person, and wish we could be friends (but are not, perfectly friendly but not personal chums), but would recommend any friend to run away from him like the wind. His current beautiful partner wants marriage and a baby (shes 42 and he’s 44) and I doubt it will happen and if it does it will be hard.

Sort of waffling but trying to say that some people can be lovely, loving, caring but also arseholes who are fucked up or who just like this as their modus operandi, and the ONLY thing to do for your own mental health is just get out of there. They will never change, they either can’t or won’t.

Dump him, you deserve more.

@Peonyonpoint very good insight. Thank you. Yes, my bf and his ex are very attached. They live apart but are constantly in contact. They seem to date other people but also date each other too

@Peonyonpoint it is very strange for me. If I still liked my ex and we were still hanging out, I wouldn’t want to invest my time into anyone else.