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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my bf lying to me about his ex gf? Gaslighting?

104 replies

Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 18:26

Hi guys, this happened before Coronavirus but it’s been playing in my mind since.

About 5 months into our relationship, there was a shared pic on his fb. His ex gf posted a pic of his front living room with a takeaway and bottle of wine, captioned Netflix and chill. Cringe, I know.

I asked him and he said, they do hang out and it was nothing. I remember speaking to him that evening, it was a bank holiday. He told me he was at home, having a bath and working on his portfolio.

He omitted his ex. I was upset, not because I was jealous. I’m okay with them being friends, but I want honesty. He said it’s awkward and his past gf didn’t like it. I asked him to be truthful in the future. He agreed.

Fast forward a few months. I was at the local Tesco and a mutual friend bumped into me. Asked how my bf and I are. She mentioned she saw my BF and his ex having lunch at the local fair a few days ago.

I remember that day, my BF told me he was home all day, poorly.

Again confronted him. He told me the truth and said they went to a fair, then lunch. He came home and was feeling ill the rest of the day.

So he wasn’t “lying”. And he didn’t mention his ex as there was nothing to tell.

I’m not insecure, I’m happy within myself but I hate liars. I’m still with him but thinking of ending it.

OP posts:
mynamesmrdiggety · 21/04/2020 19:16

To be honest if he was really into you he wouldn't want to be spending time with his ex even as friends. Or certainly he wouldn't risk your relationship by doing so and then lying about it. I would jsut move on to someone who appreciates you.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:18

And I constantly feel anxious. I wake up with a sickly feeling. Even if I end it, which I will. This feeling is there.

Never felt this dark feeling in a relationship. It’s hard to concentrate. I’m always second guessing myself, as though I shouldn’t be questioning his ex etc.

I

OP posts:
Yankathebear · 21/04/2020 19:21

He isn’t telling you because he knows it’s not okay.
I would think he’s still in love with her and wants more. Maybe he’s getting it.
Don’t let him play you.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:21

@Opentooffers looking back at it now, I think she deliberately left it there. As far as I know, from his friend who I met, she has been dating other people.

But what my BF and his ex are really doing, who knows?

OP posts:
SarahInAccounts · 21/04/2020 19:23

He has no respect for you. He lies because he's still keen on the ex.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:24

@Yankathebear I told my bf, I said if you want to get back together, then do it. Be happy. I’m not going to stop you. Il be happy for them if that’s what they want but to stop messing other people’s lives by dating other people.

He said he doesn’t want her back but they have a long history and it’s hard to just stop being a part of each other’s lives.

OP posts:
Postmanbear · 21/04/2020 19:29

This is not a good relationship and he is not a nice man. You deserve better.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:33

I’m just a silly pushover. Believing the best in people and waking up feeling sick myself.

OP posts:
Yankathebear · 21/04/2020 19:35

You are not silly. You just have a loser boyfriend. Time to start again.

cheeseislife8 · 21/04/2020 19:35

I call bullshit on that too. He made a conscious decision to hide his time with her, not once but twice. He needs to go

vixxo · 21/04/2020 19:36

Dump asap.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:37

@Yankathebear
@Opentooffers

A grown 44 year old man, supposedly.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 21/04/2020 19:39

Don't waste your time.

At best he doesn't respect you and is playing games.

At worst he's cheating or still has feelings for his ex.

Either way I'd be out of there.

vixxo · 21/04/2020 19:40

And trust me when I say walk away now. I've been in a very similar situation and wasted 4 years of my life because he gaslighted me throughout. I left eventually, with moderate to severe anxiety which I'm trying to deal with at the moment.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:40

The second time he lied, I got very upset with him. I called him out on lying to me. He said I over reacted and my behaviour showed him a side of me that was unattractive and questionable.

OP posts:
CanIbesomeoneelse · 21/04/2020 19:40

If he’d seen a male friend at a fayre and then went home ill do you think he’d have told you the first bit? If yes, then get rid.
However, If I were in your position I wouldn’t be investing any more time regardless.

CanIbesomeoneelse · 21/04/2020 19:41

Just read your latest update - definitely gaslighting. Escape while you can.

Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:41

@vixxo yes, it is the anxiety. I will see a doctor when they reopen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 19:43

@CanIbesomeoneelse, I have heard of gaslighting but never experienced it. Or any of my friends.

I’m reading about online.

OP posts:
sunfloweryy · 21/04/2020 19:44

A similar kind of thing happened to me with my ex. A girl that he’d been seeing casually before me kept popping up on his SM so one day I checked out her Instagram and found photos of them together.

He denied anything was going on between them and said they were just friends but he did cheat and she ended up pregnant. It was heart wrenching and I wish I’d ran at the first red flags.

He’s not being transparent here and trying to deflect his deceit back on to you by saying ‘it’s nothing’. Well if it was nothing he would have let you know at the time.

sunfloweryy · 21/04/2020 19:44

Sorry, should have said found recent photos of them together.

Notredamn · 21/04/2020 19:47

Fuck. That.

hen10 · 21/04/2020 19:50

You say that you were happy in yourself before and now you are thinking of seeing a doctor about anxiety. There's your answer. Do not get tied up with this person. The fact that he is 44 makes it even worse. He knows exactly what he is doing and it gets him what he wants which is women anxiously dancing round him. Run away.

bringbacksideburns · 21/04/2020 19:51

Dump him. You are feeling anxious because you know its not right.

He would have not mentioned the lunch at all if he hadnt been spotted.
This Is not how you behave early into a new relationship, meeting up secretly with your ex. Ask yourself what he'd do if it was the other way round. Netflix and chill?

crazylady7 · 21/04/2020 19:51

I wouldn't say it is very mature to still be friendly with an ex when you have made it clear you are not comfortable. His ex sounds very disrespectful of you and your boyfriends relationship, and your boyfriend is clearly an arsehole. You are defending his behaviour, it sounds like he has your head twisted. You deserve better than this shit.