Is my bf lying to me about his ex gf? Gaslighting?

[Sofi31]

Hi guys, this happened before Coronavirus but it’s been playing in my mind since.

About 5 months into our relationship, there was a shared pic on his fb. His ex gf posted a pic of his front living room with a takeaway and bottle of wine, captioned Netflix and chill. Cringe, I know.

I asked him and he said, they do hang out and it was nothing. I remember speaking to him that evening, it was a bank holiday. He told me he was at home, having a bath and working on his portfolio.

He omitted his ex. I was upset, not because I was jealous. I’m okay with them being friends, but I want honesty. He said it’s awkward and his past gf didn’t like it. I asked him to be truthful in the future. He agreed.

Fast forward a few months. I was at the local Tesco and a mutual friend bumped into me. Asked how my bf and I are. She mentioned she saw my BF and his ex having lunch at the local fair a few days ago.

I remember that day, my BF told me he was home all day, poorly.

Again confronted him. He told me the truth and said they went to a fair, then lunch. He came home and was feeling ill the rest of the day.

So he wasn’t “lying”. And he didn’t mention his ex as there was nothing to tell.

I’m not insecure, I’m happy within myself but I hate liars. I’m still with him but thinking of ending it.

There is another thing. Him and his ex, are part time dog walkers, in the spare time. They do it for the extra money and done so for over 20 years.

During covid, they have been busy helping the vulnerable or anyone who needs help with walking their dogs. I came to find out, he and his ex have been meeting up to walk their customers pets.

He’s playing you around. Dump.

Dump him. The thoughts are there and will never go away. My ex claimed he was seeing a male friend, but turned out he was seeing a good female friend. I discovered a few weeks ago, after we split up he was with her.

He moved in with a friend during lockdown. After we talked about it and were talking about herring back together. Odd Facebook post on his page. Few scrolls through her profile, realised when he said he was with male friend, it was her. Identical pictures in each other’s page, no tag of each other or people in it. Easy to see they were with each other.

Asked him, he said they were platonic and he was with a group of people. No mention of that to me. Seems obvious now he was seeing both of us. Still slept with me up till recently. Not surprised he is silent now and not chatting to me. Was playing us off. He is 40 and the red flag was his ex’s were crazy and always in a relationship.

The thing is, OP, that it doesn't honestly matter whether he has feelings for her, is lying to you, etc etc. YOU set the boundary of what you want to tolerate in a relationship, and this is pissing you off.

All you need to decide is this relationship doesn't work for me any more and end it.

He doesn't get a say. You don't need to give a reason, you don't need to justify. You could just be bored as fuck with his silly behaviour.

Or hate the way he sniffs. Or decide you've lost interest in him.

Just end it.

@Ginbunny1212 that’s horrible. Did you confront him?

@BlessYourCottonSocks yes, I’m trying to justify ending it when really I don’t need to. Thank you.

@BlessYourCottonSocks yes, I’m bored and I’m constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the next deceit.

Big fat nope. This is shady behaviour and where there's shady behaviour there's always shady reasons behind it.

“a side of me that was unattractive and questionable.“ sod that OP, he’s being a dick & doesn’t deserve you. No relationship is worth that sticky “what’s going to happen next” feeling. Well done for recognising & not being pushed to be “cool” - far too many “...” in that sentence!

@Sofi31 I ended a 4 year relationship because of the deceit and distrust I had in him.. constant gas lighting and never giving a straight answer drove me to have really bad anxiety to the point where I needed medication. I was a nervous wreck and just waiting for him to fuck up again.

But like a pp said I took a look at how I felt.. and it wasn't acceptable and I wasn't happy so I ended it... and you know what the anxiety disappeared almost overnight! Im a different person now

I called him out on lying to me. He said I overreacted and my behavior showed him a side of me that was unattractive and questionable.

So he shifted the blame to you. You really should empower yourself by getting rid of this manipulative liar.

Lying is such a red flag.

Agreed. Fuck. That.

So his other gf/s didn't like it. Now you don't feel comfortable with it. But it's not his behaviour and lies that are the problem, it's bloody women over reacting again. Bloody girlfriends not accepting him hiding his questionable friendship with his ex. Bloody women being over emtional about having a secret friendship with his ex that he lies about. Bloody women not letting him get away with whatever behaviour he wants to. Ha. Bloody women with self respect and boundaries! The bloody cheek of them! Bloody women who he can accuse of having unattractive sides when they have the bloody cheek to be upset when he lied. God what is the world coming to?

Fuck that.

And yes, I've had a couple of glasses of wine. Lol

@Thingsdogetbetter haha! Exactly. I feel stupid now because this happened months ago and I’ve been still been carrying on with him.

I wish I walked away then.

And my arse has he been walking vulnerable people's dogs! Not if it you finding out he was meeting ex to tell you. But I'll give him 10/10 for quick thinking of a excuse that makes him look.like a hero!

Walk away now and happily add yourself to the (probably long) list of bloody women who won't put up with his shite!

And i stand proud as a bloody woman!

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you so much! I called him on the dog walking. I said you don’t live together so shouldn’t be meeting up during this crisis and he said it’s easier with the both of them to handle the dogs. To be honest, I wasn’t interested in what he was blabbing. It went over my head. Couldn’t care less.

I wonder how many other times they've met and not told you?

@nuttylover probably many more. I’m following lockdown so I’m not meeting anyone and staying. And I don’t feel like seeing him again, or the thought of hugging him or anything like that.

He said I over reacted and my behaviour showed him a side of me that was unattractive and questionable.

Blame and deflection tactics. Very typical of his type....just don't put up with it.

As long as you fall for his lies...he'll continue....because he can get away with it.

@sandyY2K. My biggest downfall is that I always think and remember the good in a person, rather than the bad. I will remember the time he helped me when my car broke down over the times he lied.

Arghhhh! I will get there though. 😂😂😂😂

@Sofi31 no didn’t confront him as tbh I was angry but realised I didn’t care in the end. Few hints. He always was a rescuer and with people that needed fixed and had children. Reckon he wanted an instant family and role as care giver. I am too independent for him.

He can’t be alone. It’s unfortunately back fired. He has not put anything in SM, but she has (not tagged him). His kid doesn’t want to see him now as she feels he has abandoned her during lockdown to move in with her, as she puts it, a random. He wouldn’t wait till things calmed down to see his daughter, who was scared to travel to his, but would of. He is claiming to all he is isolated and can’t see his kid. Not as it seems.

I decided he was a knob on your first post OP and then kept reading and it was red flag after red flag. What a gaslighting POS. 44? I was thinking he was in his 20s before you said. How old is his ex? Do 40 year olds put that they are Netflix and chilling on SM?!

@noshowlomo. She is 45 years old. Mid 40s too.

@Noshowlomo I’m 35 years old