How to tell 4 and 2 yo that M & D separating?? Suggestions please!!!!!!

[sunshinegirl]

Hi all

H and I separated a week ago. It's all very amicable and was thought of as a trial separation although tbh I'm not sure now that we will get back together. So far we have told ds age 4 and dd age 2 that Daddy is at work in the evenings etc and they appear oblivious as H is back every other eve to bath/bedtime etc. Am now feeling that we should tell them something more as ds very perceptive and I don't want to lie to them (although don't want to hurt them either)

Opinions please, if we should say more, what should we say to them to make it easy for them to understand without upsetting them?

Thanks x

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v sad for you,
I'd recommend being as honest as you can when they start asking questions, but make sure that you ake it clear it is not their fault. children are notoriously self centred and make a point of revolving all things round themselves so make it clear it has nothing to do with them, also reassurethem that altohug mummy and daddy don't love eachother any more, that you and daddy will never stop loving them whatever happens.
good luck xx

Thanks, yes will definately reassure them that it's not their fault & that we both love them v much.

My suggestion would be that you and your ex let them know together. Chat to each other before and agree who is going to say what.

A united front lets them know that they don't have to take sides and I think will make the whole thing that little bit easier.

Also the message isn't confused, ie you telling them its forever and him telling them its only for a while.

Also reassure them that even though Daddy won't live with them they will see him often. Let them know exactly when they will see him, i.e every other night and all day on Saturday.

If you can bear to, have some days planned where you all go out together as a family. Maybe to the zoo or park. It might be wise to leave this for a while though to make sure you and your ex have sorted out your own feeling for each other and its clear if this is a temporary thing or not.

Its never going to be easy, but at least the two of you are still being civil and that has got to make it that bit easier for you.

Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

Thanks Duke

Agree totally with what you have said. Spoke to H briefly about it today, we are going to have a chat one evening when kids in bed and discuss what we will say. We did manage to spend the whole day together doing family stuff today, it's a bit weird atm of course but totally worth it for dc's as they love him so much. I guess I would like to avoid the "handover" situation and really hope that whatever happens we can manage to stay friendly enough to do stuff all together.

My father left my Mum when I was a baby & I know how much that has affected me even in adulthood so I really hope we can do a much better job of making them feel secure. I so much wanted a secure family unit for them but atm it's not working out that way

I know its easier said that done but don't beat yourself up about not providing the perfect little family unit for them. I am sure you tried your best and you obviously care very much about your children and want what is best for them. They adore their Daddy too, so they do have security - the security of knowing that their parents both love them very much. That is what is important and don't be so try not to be so hard on yourself.

I too had divorced parents and my Mum had a restraining order out against my Dad so I was given to a go between in a supermarket car park. Sometimes it was a family member, but on occasion a passing stranger who was briefly filled in on the story and asked to help out. Definately not the way to do it!!!

If you could, let us know how you get on.

Take care.
xxx.