Obsessed - I want to have an affair!

[Annabel1408]

I have always been the good girl, then woman, then wife.

Don’t have a large libido. Never cheated on DH in nearly 20yrs of marriage (nor has he, I’d know!).

Several months ago a thought popped into my head about how exciting and ‘naughty’ it would be to have a lover. A little daytime fantasy. That seed has grown to the point I’m obsessed now and fantasise regularly.

I love DH. I know he’d be crushed if he caught me cheating. This is an itch I think I need to scratch before it’s too late.

It’s not the sex. It’s the thought of, for once, being bad, naughty, wild!

Is this normal ?

Confused. from Edinburgh.

Perfectly normal to feel like that sometimes. As long as it doesn't translate into action, what's the problem? Enjoy your fantasies while they last.

Sounds like a type of OCD.

Don't, for heaven's sake, do it.

It would not be exciting and naughty and wild if you did.

It would be soul-destroying, anxiety inducing and depressing.

Keep it in your head.

Thanks Lynda,

I thought it was just a passing fantasy too. Rather than passing its growing to the point I’m planning - haven’t done anything yet - YET - listen to me!

You can't help if a bird lands on your head, but you can help if it builds a nest.

You've gone down a wrong path. Turn back now before it's too late and destroys everything you have.

Consider the idea you are lacking excitement in your life. Do you have any projects you're doing that excite you? What could you do that's new and exciting and refreshing that's not going to break anyone's heart? If you want to feel more sexually alive, take up pole dancing, film yourself masturbating for DH, start writing erotic fiction and publishing on Amazon. If it's not to do with sex specifically you have many options.

This growing desire is a SIGNAL to you that something is missing from your life. Excitement, passion, rebellion. What ELSE can you do that fills that need?

@VanGoghsDog do you know what OCD is? It's nothing to do with this and very offensive of you to people with OCD to say that.

Could you not role play with your husband?? It's probably something you'd both enjoy and really benefit from. Talk to your husband about your sex life, he most likely has fantasies too

Get him in on a naughty role play, one of you book a room, pick the other up at the bar and talk about how guilty you feel for doing this to your wonderful spouse but you just can’t resist. Meet in a lay-by for forbidden sex. Get creative and stay faithful!

Please don’t have an affair , you will regret it. However, if you go ahead wreck your life, wreck your husbands and possibly your children’s lives , don’t come on here and moan about it.

Just keep the fantasies. and don't venture down the bad path. This is exactly what I did do 30 years ago,the fun and excitement was great,and lead to failure all round.

You want to have an affair, but not with anyone in particular, you just want an affair?
I can't imagine that it would be as fun and exciting as you are anticipating. More likely it would destroy your DHs life, your own life and your 20 year marriage. If you love your DH like you say, then you need to find an alternative hobby to obsessing over an affair.

Sounds like a typical midlife crisis to me.

Why not have an "affair " with your DH, a la Julianna and Clive Dixby (i.e. role play with your DH)

twitter.com/ModernFam/status/1228393470827479040?s=09

Dressing, acting differently, meeting up in hotels, or random cheeky places, you can even get burner phones for your alter egos and text each other randomly, ask when he can get away and meet you somewhere, or I miss you, pity you are home with the wife..have fun with your DH

Honestly it isn't worth putting this into practice. I actually did this once - and it didn't live up to my expectations in any area . The guy was someone I knew from work ....he turned out to be a terrible lover , pathetic in every aspect. After a lot of exciting build-up , we had one day in a hotel which I still regret 20 years later. It was a total disappointment for me , though apparently not for OM, since he immediately decided that he was going to "run away with me", marry me etc. I was horrified since this was supposed to be fwb only . I'd forgotten that he had feelings too, feelings which I couldn't control . When I tried to make him stop his fantasizing, he changed from " romantic lover" to "scary stalker" , making my life a misery for several weeks until I was able to talk him out of it.

It didn't ruin my marriage - DH was away and the kids were staying at a friend's place on the day, so nobody knew or knows to this day. But my affair gave me pain and anxiety through the roof, and I still cringe to think of how lightly I sleepwalked into that situation .....and how hard it was to extricate myself from it.

Don't do it OP - it's a nice dream but the reality can be painful.

I had an affair, I don’t regret it but in the very end it caused pain (just to me, my partner didn’t find out and still doesn’t know).

If you start one keep it casual and don’t get to involved with the other person.

Yeah mid life crisis.

Could you not be naughty in a different way?

Would your husband be open to swining ir a threesome?

Is there a specific man?

I would have a long hard look at your life - do you have a fulfilling career? Time and space for interests and friends?

It sounds like you are seeking more from life and you need to work out what you could do to make you happy that won't cause harm to others.

Fantasy never lives up to reality. DH and I agreed to an open marriage. I thought it would be guilt free sex, how exciting. It's not. First guy I slept with was full on talking every day, messages morning noon and night said he hoped to make it a regular thing. I never heard from him again after. I felt like a fool. Now stupidity I have got involved with a married man. I haven't slept with him but kissed him and he's bought me gifts. My husband knows about him and knows I've got feelings. It's a mess. Stick with your DH honestly

Its a fantasy. Leave it as that too. The ick after is not worth it! Its not just the ick. Its the shame, sense of weakness and just fucking disgust at yourself after that is soul destroying. What's even more worse is once you've crossed that line, its hard to look at yourself the same again. Trust me and let it stay as a fantasy.

Try roleplaying with your husband.

An affair appeals to me. I don’t think dp would give a shit.

How do you find someone though? OLD is full of weirdos!

If you love your husband, it's not very much, is it? If he finds out, it'll hurt him hugely.

Be naughty some other way. Shoplift, gamble the grocery money, get so drunk you piss yourself, start a fight in the street. What, none of these sounding glamorous or appealing? Cheating's just as tawdry and banal.

There are lots of ways to feel naughty without destroying your husband and wrecking your peace of mind. But I get the impression you aren't going to listen here.

I always recommend her on here but have you read/watched Esther Perel? She talks about affairs and also long term monogamy and, in essence, how to spice things up in a marriage. For her, the appeal of affairs can be the freedom to reinvent the self. Tempting in mid life to present a new version/the hidden you to a new person, free of the day to day grind. Recognizing the impulse behind the desire to be wild and break convention might be helpful in redirecting the desire in other directions?

(Having said that, there is something amazing about affair sex but you have to be very compartmentalised/a bit psychopathic to get the best out of it without the guilt. No point if you get the guilt. You don't sound like that person)

Oh lord we have a pickled cushion humper in the building

closetbeanmuncher