Obsessed - I want to have an affair!

[Annabel1408]

I have always been the good girl, then woman, then wife.

Don’t have a large libido. Never cheated on DH in nearly 20yrs of marriage (nor has he, I’d know!).

Several months ago a thought popped into my head about how exciting and ‘naughty’ it would be to have a lover. A little daytime fantasy. That seed has grown to the point I’m obsessed now and fantasise regularly.

I love DH. I know he’d be crushed if he caught me cheating. This is an itch I think I need to scratch before it’s too late.

It’s not the sex. It’s the thought of, for once, being bad, naughty, wild!

Is this normal ?

Confused. from Edinburgh.

“I had an affair, I don’t regret it but in the very end it caused pain (just to me, my partner didn’t find out and still doesn’t know).“
But imagine being looked at with guilt or pity or sympathy or loathing (delete as appropriate) every day the rest of your life. He probably knows something is wrong but isn’t able to verbalize it. Don’t kid yourself him not knowing hasn’t hurt him.

@NotNowPlzz

Yes, intrusive thoughts can be a type of OCD. Sorry you didn't know that. Here's just one of many sources:

www.ocduk.org/ocd/types/

"Although there are infinite forms of OCD, it has been traditionally considered that a person’s OCD will fall into one of these five main categories, with themes often overlapping between categories too.

Checking
Contamination / Mental Contamination
Symmetry and ordering
Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts
Hoarding"

I would urge you to go to a site called www.surviving infidelity.com

Have a look in the JFO (just found out) forum and read some of the threads from betrayed spouses, when they have found out their husband /wife has had an affair.

When you see the pain they go through on discovery, perhaps you'll think twice about embarking on an affair.

@VanGoghsDog I think OP is just thinking of a bit of excitement. But yes, some people do have OCD about sexual thoughts. The thoughts are unpleasant rather than pleasant at all though.

This was a fun comedy about it. If anyone hasn't seen it, I'd recommend www.channel4.com/programmes/pure Her intrusive thoughts are about shagging her nan or whatever, anything inappropriate. They aren't at all arousing or gratifying, they're purely frightening.

Oddly enough, I saw that program. I didn't realise it was supposed to be a comedy, I just thought it was awful.

It's also worth noting that intrusive thoughts are completely normal to an extent. In OCD the compulsive behaviour is an outlet for the obsessive thoughts. It doesn't sound as though op conducts any compulsions so I'd be inclined to agree that it's more of a midlife crisis.
Op 20 years is a long time so I can understand how these thoughts would creep in. Best course of action would be to speak to your DH to see if you can spice things up. Affair is obviously not ethical so if you still have these thoughts and want to pursue them after putting effort into your sex life then it's best to leave your husband before finding someone else.

Careful what you wish for, OP.

Once forbidden fruit has been tasted, it cannot be forgotten. Sometimes it becomes an addiction.

Totally overburdened by conscience I couldn’t do it to dh. In fact sometimes I literally have nightmares that I have been unfaithful and feel terrible!

Confused from Edinburgh.

Your post sounds like something from readers wives.

But it wouldn’t be naughty and wild.

It would be deceitful and selfish.

Speaking as a single woman, not unattractive but still unable to find a decent man...all I can say is good luck with that one.

Verily,

It would have to be OLD - couldn’t do with someone I know - would need the option to cut all ties.

There are sites that specialise in just this. Unlike the free sites the fees are high (for the men / free for women) would hope that would keep down the amount of jerks???

Annabel are you actually serious?

This is pretty vile and I can only hope you’re trolling

Affairs aren’t games. They break people mentally. It’s abusing your husband.

I suspect that this might be a wind up but surely it would be easier to address the obvious elephant in the room (i.e. a lack of passion between you and your husband) even if it's a conversation that you'd feel uncomfortable with than risk the emotional baggage of an affair? On the other hand, if you do love him and you're not getting anything out of the physical side of the relationship anymore then why not consider that perhaps the relationship has reached its end? This might sound extreme but it's less hurtful than shitting on someone that you love.

With all that being said, I do have suspicions that this might be a jape.

Ahh We all get bored sometime . Op Very obviously on a wind up , there’s some good stuff on Netflix , time to get browsing I feel

Try watching tiger king 😂💕

Can anyone recommend anything on Netflix? I haven't seen Tiger King.

would need the option to cut all ties

Until you end up with some weirdo who won’t leave you alone.

@Isitsixoclockalready Yes Tiger King 😜

🙄

This is what happens to people in lockdown! Too much time to think...

I had an affair, years ago, and although I don’t regret the fact my relationship ended over it (I think, subconsciously I was looking for a way out) I do regret the hurt it caused my partner at the time. It’s no excuse but I was very young and felt trapped in a relationship. The guy was someone I worked with and when I later on tried to end it he became very, very scary. Stalking and writing letters etc. I had to go to the police.

So think very carefully if it’s worth it OP. How could you guarantee the man you may meet up with won’t blackmail you or even rape you or infect you with an std? Is it worth it?

For me it really wasn’t and I still have guilty thoughts about it and also worry that the stalker-guy may know where I live etc.

Oh so you've actually looked into online sex sites OP? I doubt it will keep away 'jerks'- think about it, it will just be people like you trying to cheat on their partners, probably who do it routinely so you can nab yourself an STD in the bargain, so take what you will from that.

If ypure unhappy or unfulfilled in your relationship, spice it up, or leave. This whole thing is tragic and I'm cringing for you OP. Get some erotic literature or something and giggle over the cheap thrill somewhere private

I'm sure you know about hook-up sites (not that you'll get much opportunity at the moment).

What I'm unsure of is why you're posting this shite on here? What are you after? Validation? Approval? Meeting someone?

If you want to get laid, go get laid. None of our business.