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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me the strength not to text

73 replies

flylindon · 20/04/2020 16:58

So I did it .4 days ago I asked my partner to leave .For every niggle he had with me he constantly threatened he was going to pack a bag & go , but nether did .My partner is an alcoholic he also is a stoner ..this lockdown has been an eye opener to me .With him not working he was drinking smoking till the early hours .Then sleeping in till late afternoon.Then starting the cycle all over again .I've been so sad these last days ok crying not stop because I don't know if I've done the right thing .Should I not of been helping him with what he's doing to himself ?
I keep picking up my phone to text if he's alright .I haven't sent anything yet .This is so painful.
Please can someone give me advice what to do .Thank you

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2020 17:17

You have absolutely done the right thing here in telling him to go. Do not get sucked back into life with an alcoholic. Remember too that his primary relationship is with drink and it’s not with you, the drink is his first and foremost priority.

Delete his number from your phone. Get support for your own self from Al-anon and figure out for yourself what attracted you to him in the first place, he being a stoner too. You probably thought you could rescue and or save him from these two vices, as you have seen you could not.

Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours in relationships.

Dery · 20/04/2020 17:27

You have absolutely done the right thing - it is not your job to fix him or rescue him from himself. In forcing him to leave you are making clear the work that he needs to do on himself but only he can do that work - by staying around you would only be enabling him. He needs to hit rock bottom and take the necessary steps for himself and unless and until he does that, there is no hope of him making meaningful change. And even then it is a very long and slow process.

As Attila says - read up on codependency: Melodie Beattie - "Codependent No More" may be very helpful to you. Also 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood - that is focussed on women in relationships with abusers and you haven't suggested that he did abuse you but whether or not he did, i think you will find a lot of useful material in there on the addictive nature of relationships with disfunctional partners, especially for rescuers, and how to move beyond that so you avoid being dragged back into a relationship with this guy or a relationship with someone else with similar problems.

Well done, OP. Good on you for having the insight and guts to take this difficult but absolutely correct step. Onwards and upwards!

Mrsmorton · 20/04/2020 17:29

Post on here when you want to text him!! Or play a game. Keep your mind busy. You're stronger than you know.

Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 17:56

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Dery @Mrsmorton
Thank you for replying means a lot .I have no one in RL that I can talk to about this .The thing I'm struggling with is when I met him he wasn't this bad .Ok he still drunk & smoked ,but it was in moderation.I used to stand my ground & say enough cut back & he always did .I don't even recognise the man he has become .I just want the old him back .The text I want to send is .

Please don't think badly of me on what needed to happen .I was watching you spiralling out of control .

OP posts:
Mrsmorton · 20/04/2020 17:58

I totally see why you want to send it. It opens the door for him to tell you he's going to change etc. So leave him. If he wants to, he can change himself and show you the results.

RandomMess · 20/04/2020 18:00

Sadly he doesn't care what you think only that he's lost his home comforts.

He hasn't text to even say sorry has he? In the end he was just using you for an easy life it would seem Sad

Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 18:04

@Mrsmorton your way of thinking is right .Thak you

OP posts:
Mrsmorton · 20/04/2020 18:06

I didn't have the same issues as you but the end of a relationship recently and only now do I go weeks without not wanting to message. It's hard. But it gets easier every day.

Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 18:08

@RandomMess

Hard to read , but you are right .I'm not sticking up for him , but he rarely apologises .This was probably a shock to him .I've never been strong enough to chuck him out & he knows this .So probably staying angry at me .

OP posts:
Menora · 20/04/2020 18:13

I did carry on messaging someone hoping and waiting for something to change. It didn’t. I think sending the message will just leave the door open for him to come back with another sad story. He isn’t even sorry and isn’t trying to change. That’s all you need to know. You are not responsible for his bad choices

RandomMess · 20/04/2020 18:24

It's what weed does and also alcohol, probably in full victim mode 🙄

Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 18:25

When we broke up sometime last year he got in touch after 5 days asking how I was & that he missed me .We started texting .I just feel he has this hold over me .I can't explain it .I feel he genuinely wants to change .He even told me himself he knows what he's putting me through & how it's effecting me & also what it's doing to him .
Oh Lordy lord give me strength.

OP posts:
Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 18:28

@RandomMess
Yes yes that's what he does .Goes into victim mode .He was doing it here on the days he was awake before the drink & smoking began .

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2020 18:29

He hasn't hit rock bottom yet has he?

Please detach and focus on you. You can't save him, he can only do it himself.

Thanks
Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 19:18

@RandomMess
No he hasn't hit rock bottom .I've been reading up a lot about alcoholics & how this has to happen .I think meeting me in the beginning saved him for a while & then he rebooted .So very sad .I just really hope this gives him the kick up the ass he needs .

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 20/04/2020 19:39

A harsh truth... we ALL think we are 'different', our love is different, our relationship is different... harsh truth is that it's really not 🙁

That and live Is NOT enough.

Whatever good points he has/had he's an an alcoholic that you have to walk away & stay away from.

He has to change his life if he wants to then one day, after a very long time, he might be able to be in a relationship with someone else. Right now that is a thought that hurts, but, in time you'll see the truth in it.

He can't change while you're there to blame & to pick up the pieces & mother him.

You deserve more than cleaning up his life

Stay away 🌷

Dery · 20/04/2020 20:12

Hopefully it will give him the necessary kick up the ass. That
does rely on you standing firm. It is hard. FWIW, my DH in his late teens/early 20s had a few close friends who became drug addicts and/or alcoholics, and he maintained that - when not under the influence of their addictions - they were among the loveliest people he had ever known. But they became increasingly unpleasant to be around. A number of them did ultimately turn their lives around but in a couple of cases hitting rock bottom involved prison sentences - it took something that drastic to motivate them to change.

As PP have said, if you reach out to him with apologies and explanations, he may well see that as a way back in. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew it was hurting you and destroying your relationship. That knowledge alone was not enough for him to make a permanent change in his behaviour. He needs to experience the consequences of failing to change his behaviour. Losing what he values (perhaps everything he values) is part of hitting rock bottom. As you know, without that, he is very unlikely to change.

copycopypaste · 20/04/2020 20:15

It isn't your job to fix him.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help

You have, without a shadow of a doubt, done the right thing.

BackseatCookers · 20/04/2020 20:23

  1. It is not a woman's job to mitigate or manage a man's behaviour at the expense of their own wellness. And vice versa, though society seems to vilify women who leave men who are 'troubled' even if it has rendered them selfish and cruel.
  1. If you're struggling with guilt then every time you want to message him think about it this way - you NOT texting him would be the single best thing you could ever do for his recovery.

He will never get well unless he has no option other than trying. He may not take that option, buy he has the best chance of doing so if he can't use you as a security net any more.

I'm an ex addict and I won't bore you with my story but it took me losing everything to get well and I am so much happier now. I'm my best self, settles, calm and peaceful. I can have a healthy relationship and make a meaning up contribution to the lives of friends and family. If I'd found people to enable me and keep me on my unhealthy track maybe I'd be dead by now. Thank god I hit rock bottom. I see now it was a gift.

You've done the right thing. Future you will be proud of you for this - you've just made the best decision of your life. Thanks

circusintown · 20/04/2020 20:24

Do you have kids? If so you've got no option but to completely erase and block him from your life.

Original poster
flylindon · 20/04/2020 20:41

I'm here reading all the replies I can't thank you all enough, I've been really low with my emotions today .@BackseatCookers .Your comment about not getting in touch with him .( I know everyone else has & thank you) but the fact you were for a better term on the other side is instilling in me that contact from me makes what he is doing ok & it isn't .
No children between us .Which I'm so relieved by .

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 20/04/2020 22:08

You know that if you text him, he will suck you back in and the cycle will start all over again. You will be back here in a few weeks/months in the same position as you are now. You need to see this through. Good luck.

circusintown · 20/04/2020 22:26

Does no children between you mean none at all? Or that you have your own? Because ANY children need to be protected from this. They come first

ShleeAnKree · 20/04/2020 22:29

don't do it! You need to detach.

That transition from knowing what another person is doing all the time to only being able to guess what they're doing is weird but it won't kill you. It won't harm you. It gets easier.

neverdoingthatagain100 · 20/04/2020 22:42

I can appreciate that this is really difficult for you and particularly painful for you because of lockdown. At a time when you should be going out and changing your routine, the country is in lockdown( don't know if you're working or not but it's a particularly difficult time. )
You have done the right thing.
Be proud that you have found the self esteem to not put up with that shit.
Hold onto that feeling.
You are better than that!
Don't text
I know its hard.
I had a horrible break up with someone 6 months ago and it was so hard to start with, but I found a shred of dignity and didn't text.
The first 6 weeks were hell but now although I think about him often, ( even though I've moved on) there's no pain there, it's such a relief.
A strategy I used to cope was to not think this was the end, just a chapter. Treat it like he's gone away for a bit and you'll see him in a couple of weeks then you'll stop obsessing or crying that you'll never see him again. That's how it was for me anyway.
Then two weeks became three etc..
It's very difficult and I do feel for you . Xx

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