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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please give me the strength not to text

73 replies

flylindon · 20/04/2020 16:58

So I did it .4 days ago I asked my partner to leave .For every niggle he had with me he constantly threatened he was going to pack a bag & go , but nether did .My partner is an alcoholic he also is a stoner ..this lockdown has been an eye opener to me .With him not working he was drinking smoking till the early hours .Then sleeping in till late afternoon.Then starting the cycle all over again .I've been so sad these last days ok crying not stop because I don't know if I've done the right thing .Should I not of been helping him with what he's doing to himself ?
I keep picking up my phone to text if he's alright .I haven't sent anything yet .This is so painful.
Please can someone give me advice what to do .Thank you

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 21/04/2020 23:40

Take each day, hour or minute as a victory. You will get there!!

chickenyhead · 21/04/2020 23:49

you absolutely have done the right thing.

You have been making him your priority, whilst his is his next fix. He has been away from you for 4 days, in that time do you really think that he is eating himself up over whether to text you or not?

No. He is carrying on with his priorities, spurred on by his excuse of it being because of you. It isn't because of you. He has made choices throughout and you have always been last place.

He will run out of funds/dope soon, or he will be pulled up by whoever he is now living with. At that point he will send you a limp text. Not because he misses what you had, or you as a person, but because you were happy to settle for last place. You were happy to enable him to behave that way.

When he texts you, before responding, have a think about what you deserve in life. He won't charge for you. This is who he is. I think you deserve better personally.

flylindon · 21/04/2020 23:54

@chickenyhead .Very true .The words last place struck a cord , because I've felt that way for so long .

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 22/04/2020 00:07

You deserve an equal. Someone who is offering what you are offering.

Please don't waste anymore of your time on this loser. He is responsible for his own decisions, you aren't responsible for him.

All of the time that you are stuck with him, you are missing the opportunity of being happy and valued, even if single.

Don't settle for last place anymore please. And no matter what his text says, remember, its just a text. It isn't a limousine filled with flowers taking you away somewhere nice.

It has probably been typed with one thumb, whilst he is drunk, sitting on the toilet.Grin

Mrsmorton · 22/04/2020 00:29

Nowhere near as complex or traumatic as you. I got ghosted after a long distance relationship of a few years, found out about it on social media. So heartbroken I couldn't eat or sleep. I know I'm better off as I can see the utter fucking narcissism. But I was in a bad way.

Mrsmorton · 22/04/2020 00:47

I mean found out about his new relationship on SM. Clearly I knew he was pretending I didn't exist fairly quickly.

flylindon · 22/04/2020 11:02

@Mrsmorton .I'm so sorry to read what happened to you .Sounds torture.To be left not knowing any answers must of been incredibly painful & to top it of to find closure on sm is damn right unforgivable..
Your a strong cookie .

OP posts:
Ipadipod · 22/04/2020 11:14

Bloody well done, this could possibly be the best decision you have ever made in your life !
I lived with an abusive alcoholic who apologised over and over but never changed. He also used to roll out the ‘I know what I am putting you through’ The thing is they have absolutely no clue how their addiction affects others and tbh they don’t care either.

The urge to text is strong, I used to break it down into 1 hour chunks. I’d say ‘I will not text for the next hour’ and then again for the next hour. Sounds a bit daft but it didn’t seem as daunting as ‘I will never text again’

You’ve done the hard bit, you will have good and bad days but slowly the good days become more frequent and the bad days fewer.

You’ve can do this ! You ARE doing this !

flylindon · 22/04/2020 11:43

@Ipadipod thank you for your uplifting post .I really needed it this am .I keep putting things of today that I know if I do I will feel better , but I keep stalling.Your post couldn't of come at a better time .You're right .. I Am Doing This . Omg I'm finally with the help of everyone will get through today .

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 22/04/2020 12:09

When my sister left her husband, she was worried about him even though he was a terrible husband and had done something that he was convicted for. Over time, she started to come out of that and realise what a tosser he was. It was just a reaction to the sudden ending of a relationship that was bad but I guess that there was a grief element to the sudden ending of a relationship. It's not to compare my sister's relationship with her ex with yours but it's just to say that time is a great healer.

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2020 12:10

what a nice post Ipadipod Flowers.

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2020 12:11

and everyone here Flowers.

annacharles111 · 22/04/2020 12:17

He made the decision to drink and smoke. Not you. It's all on him.

You've been really courageous. Be proud of yourself. Hold firm. Eyes front.

And a quick tip the next time you have a wobble about texting him: grab a sheet of paper and write down all the ways your life is going to be better from now on.

flylindon · 22/04/2020 23:20

I don't expect anyone to reply .i just wanted somewhere I could write down my feelings .
So update .Haven't heard from him , but at the same time I don't want to .The urge for me to text has weakened, but now I'm questioning why he hasn't got in touch .ffs I hate this .

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2020 23:24

It's difficult and painful to accept/realise/have evidence that he didn't really care that much for you/love you.

The weed and alcohol are the love of his life.

Sad
bluebell34567 · 22/04/2020 23:27

he hasnt got in touch because he is busy drinking and smoking and waiting for you to contact. if you contact you will be all his for the bad.

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2020 23:29

if he contacts he wont have any power but it you contact he will have all the power accepting his conditions. he can plan only that much because he is busy.

chickenyhead · 22/04/2020 23:52

Hi my lovely, he hasn't been in contact yet because he still has his priority, drink and weed.

Your reaction when he does text will be a big test. Do you really want this to be your life forever? Do you want him to text because you want him back, or simply validate the time that you have wasted on him so far? Neither has a happy answer.

He isnt in any position you can or should help him out of. Words are meanigless, his actions show everything you need to know.

flylindon · 23/04/2020 00:18

You know when you don't know what to say until the situation occurs that's what I'm kind of waiting for .I want him to text so I can reply with my gut reaction.At the moment I'm just thinking up random replies in my head .I know deep down I don't want the life we had , I'm fully aware he needs to go away & sort himself out .I would love to hear he has at least started doing that .

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 23/04/2020 00:59

Oh fly, my heart breaks for you i wish I had a magic wand. I would use it to make you realise deep inside that you deserve more than this.

I know what you mean about waiting, you want to get it out of the way so that you can get on with your life. The problem is, it will either be more empty promises and heartache, or it will be over over. He might not text at all for months, will youstillbewaitingtobe last place?

You are worth so much more than that. If he cannot see that he is a fool..

Ipadipod · 23/04/2020 08:18

flylindon it’s really difficult isn’t it? The trouble is , and I totally understand, is that you are making up scenarios in your head of what you want to happen ( I had a million conversations with my ex in my head of what I would say, what he would say , how I made him see the error of his ways etc) but all the while you are doing this, you are treading water and not moving forward.

My very wise friend told me not to do ‘what’s if’s’ , what if he calls , what if he comes round, what if he gets better. We can’t predict any what if’s so it’s best not to think about them, concentrate on you and you alone, you are the important one in all this , you are only in control of you not him.

Having said all this , I do know how hard it is , so stay strong, keep posting here , maybe make a list of all his faults and pin them to the fridge so you don’t forget the reason that you don’t want to contact him.
And don’t forget, day at a time, you can do this , you ARE doing this ! X

flylindon · 23/04/2020 10:14

@chickenyhead @Ipadipod
I really appreciate you replying.It's very uplifting to read on a morning with my coffee .You give me the strength to begin the day .I don't know how I would of got through the last couple of days without this forum .Thank you all xx

OP posts:
Moviestar · 23/04/2020 10:55

Hi Op
Just wanted to send you virtualFlowers and a handhold.Its a terrible time to be dealing with this because all the nice things we would usually do to distract ourselves,seeing friends, socializing ,buying some nice new things to treat ourselves, are not possible. Moving on is so much harder with the quarantine .
You have done absolutely the right thing, and take one day at a time.You have set yourself free to find a better life and a partner who will prioritise you and make you his no 1 priority.
Not last place.
Be strong, this too shall pass.
(Imagine yourself looking back in one years time ,and you will be so proud of yourself and the strength you have shown).

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