Please give me the strength not to text

[flylindon]

So I did it .4 days ago I asked my partner to leave .For every niggle he had with me he constantly threatened he was going to pack a bag & go , but nether did .My partner is an alcoholic he also is a stoner ..this lockdown has been an eye opener to me .With him not working he was drinking smoking till the early hours .Then sleeping in till late afternoon.Then starting the cycle all over again .I've been so sad these last days ok crying not stop because I don't know if I've done the right thing .Should I not of been helping him with what he's doing to himself ?
I keep picking up my phone to text if he's alright .I haven't sent anything yet .This is so painful.
Please can someone give me advice what to do .Thank you

Thank you @anotherdisaster for replying.I know I've got to be strong & not let him come back ever .Posting on here has really helped me today .I will definitely be coming back to my thread every day to take comfort in knowing that what I have done is for the best .

@circusintown
We both have grown up children .His will be devastated when they find out .Mine have rallied round & making sure I'm ok

@neverdoingthatagain100 .That seems like that would work for me .Thinking he's away .thank you .

A) Unless there are practical details that need sorting out, block him on everything so it's harder for you to contact him.

Or

B)Once anything that genuinely needs sorting out is sorted out, block him.

You have absolutely done the right thing. As hard as it maybe. I have just gone through sometime very similar..... and I do know how tough it is and how it will feel like it doesn't get any easier. I promise is does get easier over time. I ended up blocking my ex as I didn't feel as I deserved to be drawn back into it all again. It has been the best thing I could do for myself. Just remember you are doing the right thing for you and that's what matters.

Thank you @BlueForgetMeNot .
Well I've been up early this am thinking over things & I don't feel the urge to text him which I'm glad about .
I know it will take time .

Op listen to the song called Boscoe by Placebo it says it all

@Guiltypleasures001
I've just listened to it .Lordy burst out crying , but I know it's all part of the healing process.Thank you for posting .

You don't have to decide to never text him again, because that's a huge thing and feels impossible. Just don't text him today. Tell yourself that if you still feel the same way in 24 hours, without having had any doubts in between, you'll text him then, but just for today you won't do it.

Instead of texting him, I suggest a domestic purge. Clean your place of him. Open the windows, change the bed, clean all the corners and get through your house/flat like you're putting it up for sale. Clean him out of your space, and it'll help clean him out of your head as well as giving you something constructive to do and occupying your mind.

I'm sure your place is clean to begin with, btw, and I'm not suggesting it isn't. Cleaning a space after a death is proven to be therapeutic for those left behind, and the end of a relationship is a form of bereavement.

Block him so he can’t ease himself back into your life.

I agree with the complete purge even if you don’t feel ready to do it. It’s sad making but getting rid of everything in your house, on your phone and on your laptop doesn’t give you an opportunity to reminisce about the good times you must have had between the bad. Going from ‘we’ to ‘I’ is a tough transition - do cut yourself some slack for the emotionally low points. But just stay firm, you couldn’t fix him & he really at heart didn’t want to fix himself.

100% agree with @sjanes48 once I deleted his WhatsApp history etc, it became far easier to stop pulling myself into sadness. If you don't want to delete it "forever@ because you're not ready to. You can save stuff on a memory stick and post it to a trusted friend or put other barriers between you and the memories.

Be proud of yourself for recognising how toxic he was and ending it
You have done the right thing
It will get easier.

Every time you get the urge to text, message a friend instead. Or do something nice for yourself.

Also (and apologies for putting this out there!), you did by the sounds of it a great job of doing your utmost best to help him and your thought process must end there. He’s a grown up, responsible for his own actions and his fate is of his own making, not yours. If this pushes him to get help, great but he’s got himself better, not you. But if it goes the other way, it’s not on you or of your making, you did your bit & went above and beyond. My dearest friend has lived a bit of a half life since the suicide of Dad who was an alcoholic - at the time of his death she’d finally cut contact after years and years of manipulation and sacrificing much of her own life. This is one complete extreme but if his health or work goes downhill in anyway, please please do not take any of that on yourself. You did your best. Best wishes OP!

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to help me .Funnily enough I started yesterday collecting all the items of his that were left behind and bagged them up .I already changed the bed but then through his pillows away .Small steps ,but therapeutic lol.

Hi fly

I'm so sorry I never do the oh listen to this song stuff never have

But for some reason it was the first thing that came to mind it's her powerful and from the addicts point of view

I suppose he's saying it's on you if you choose to stay, because he's being nothing else other than his authentic self right now which is a double addict

It's very hard to self care when you are better at caring for others isn't it

@Guiltypleasures001
No it was the right thing .It was quite difficult to hear , but again like everyone else was making me see this was all on him .His doing .The lyrics about when he's drunk & I take him home to keep him safe is true .Over the years if we went out with friends he would always cut the day /night short & I thought ( stupid) because he wanted to spend time with me , but it was a race home to drink/smoke so he could find his happy place , don't get me wrong there were times & I would join him , like try & change myself to fit in with him , but anyone that knows me knows I'm not a drinker & i smoked when I was a teenager so really didn't want to do it .

Hi

It sounds like you have reached your genuine epiphany moment
That clarity of thought is a powerful thing

I call it flipping the switch, I've seen clients have that moment in the past. Take care of you

How are you doing OP?

Hi @Mrsmorton .That's really kind of you to ask .I keep dipping today .I just feel the tears are on the surface & it wouldn't take much for me to breakdown, I can't let that happen.How are you?

I'm good. I think I'm nearly out the other side but I shed some serious tears in highly inappropriate places a few months ago. You've just got to keep plugging away. Take each day, hour or minute as a victory. You will get there!!

@Mrsmorton can I ask what happened to you?

Please stay strong, this isnt the life you want for urself, this is no future, think of urself and u want to achieve... If he wants a decent life with, he will return on ur terms, otherwise this is a no-future anyway...

If he returns on his terms will never get any better, u need him to help himself, these things need determination, it needs to come from within, allow him the time to realise that, dont text him

Thanks @Hannah021 .It's just so hard .I'm even getting on my own nerves now .Sounds stupid, but I keep thinking because I haven't heard from him he's away fixing himself .yer right !!!??!! Grrr