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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I Go Back?

22 replies

TionBan · 19/04/2020 18:50

I have been in an on and off again relationship with a guy who I really do love. We are both in our 30's and have been together two and a half years. During that time we have broken up twice, both because of some emotional issues he has.

He is a good guy, but finds it's quite hard to be loving and I found that made me quite insecure. He had a lot of issues growing up and you can clearly see it's affected him in relationships. I have had long term relationships, whereas he has not before me. After a while of everything seeming ok in the past, he has shut down and ended it, saying he prefers to be alone.

Now he has come back, says he is ready to 'grow up', I have to move out of my place this week and he has found a place for us together. He would never have mentioned living together before, he had massive commitment issues. I'm massively scared and am wondering what should I do.... I have told him how scared I am but he says he's showing me with actions now and that he doesn't want to regret losing me.

OP posts:

SuperbMonkey · 19/04/2020 18:55

@TionBan, have a look at attachment styles via Google. Check out avoidant attachment styles. This is advice that I wish someone had given to me 26 years ago.

category12 · 19/04/2020 18:59

No. This has disaster written all over it.

It's a massive bull-dozing of boundaries to find a place for you both and expect you to jump at it, without proper discussion, thought or input from you. Talk about 0-60 in a few seconds. It's actually a massive red flag to me.

Sort yourself out somewhere to live and he can "prove" himself the long slow but real way by being a good reliable boyfriend.

BumbleBeee69 · 19/04/2020 19:01

He would never have mentioned living together before, he had massive commitment issues. I'm massively scared and am wondering what should I do.... I have told him how scared I am but he says he's showing me with actions now and that he doesn't want to regret losing me.

I'd be hesitant too OP... can you get a place on your own.. it might b impossible right now of course..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2020 19:02

You and he should not be together. Do not move in with him under any circumstances. You cannot fix him and he has more red flags about him than are present at a communist party committee meeting.

What is there really to love about this man?. In relationship terms he is a disaster from the start, small wonder therefore that your relationship has been on and off throughout. Are you addicted to the highs and lows here?. You cannot ever act as a rescuer or saviour here, doing either does not work.

Read also about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2020 19:03

He's done nothing but fuck you about, and that will continue if you go back. This is who he is. He will not change and he will never be able to give you what you need.

Don't be foolish.

Original poster

TionBan · 19/04/2020 19:06

I had secure relationships in my life growing up. He did not and blames this for a lot. Yes, maybe I am addicted to the highs and lows because when it's good it's really lovely and also he asks me constantly to stay with him and help him. Last night he cried and cried when I told him my fears. I really believe he needs counselling. I guess I have a soft spot for him as I often feel he doesn't have anyone to help him

OP posts:

Yas01 · 19/04/2020 19:07

No, don't move in with him. This dynamic will not change, unless you're prepared to wait until your 50's for him to be the man you want him to be. Better to live alone and see what happens x

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/04/2020 19:09

OP, being someone's rescuer is not a good thing to be. You often believe he has no-one to help him - he needs to help himself. He needs coaching or counselling to work through his stuff, work out who he is.

When you become a rescuer, and then one day that person no longer needs rescuing, guess what will happen to you......

JudyGemstone · 19/04/2020 19:14

Oh god no! Not in a million years should you give up your secure home to move in with him!

Date him by all means but seeing as how the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour it's highly unlikely he'll be a reliable and responsible partner.

He could absolutely do with therapy but HE has to be the one to recognise and initiate this.

category12 · 19/04/2020 19:14

Oh god, it gets worse. You are not Florence Nightingale, you cannot cure what ails him, a relationship cannot "fix" him.

Tell him to get therapy, sort himself out, then when the dust has settled, you can date and gradually build up to living together with a healthy dynamic between you.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2020 19:25

Living with him now would be a bad idea. Surely you had alternative accommodation planned and weren't waiting for him to sort you out.

NoMoreDickheads · 19/04/2020 19:26

Hell no, don't move in with him! You can't trust him- to move in with someone you need to be able to know they're committed to the relationship- or I think that's how it usually goes.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/04/2020 19:33

That's not a relationship. That's exhausting manipulation. He's shown you his true colours and your considering ignoring them? No. Don't do it.

Original poster

TionBan · 19/04/2020 21:12

Thank you guys. I clearly do have some type of dependancy that I go back, some kinda need to see it play out well and enjoy the good bits

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 19/04/2020 21:12

Sick to the back teeth of reading about these 'woe is me/poor childhood' Men needing our great woman to fucking fix them.. No they bloody don't.. if he needs therapy then HE gets therapy ...

you keep walking Lady and the man who will love and cherish you will find you ...

Original poster

TionBan · 29/04/2020 11:14

Hi guys, thank you for your comments. I really am still struggling with this, I've told him I need more time. He has moved into a lovely place and is willing to set it up as a home for us and I am all over the place.

I have made a pro and con list, I have chatted to friends, I have chatted with him. He has told me how sorry he is for the mistakes of the past and that he is now showing me how he really feels. He says it just took him long to mature but I'm finding it very hard to put the past out of my head. Not sure if this is caused by my own insecurity or that deep down I know it's not right. He has told me to take a few more days to think. He is being really lovely and kind, but I worry he will return to him old ways once I move in

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2020 11:23

Then hold off on moving in together. Date him and date him and date him some more, and see how it plays out without making that jump into living together until you are sure.

There is no rush, other than the one he or you are self-imposing.

JudyGemstone · 29/04/2020 11:23

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why the big rush to move in? Can't you just date and hang out? (Post lockdown obviously)

If he was thinking of your best interests he would understand it would best to take things slowly. Seems like it's all about what he wants, so same old.

Original poster

TionBan · 29/04/2020 11:27

It was due to timing, I have just sold my place and the sale completes next week and his tenant has moved out so we had an opportunity to move in together. It would be a lovely set up but I know that is not a reason to rush into these things

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2020 11:33

No, it's not. Don't do it. Surely you had somewhere else you were planning to go to live?

AnnaNimmity · 29/04/2020 12:08

I think pretty much everyone on here has told you not to move in. why are you stlil writing pros and cons?

Only move in if you are ok with the fact that it is more likely to fail than succeed. That you will be homeless and will have the additional pressures of disentangling your lives. That you will be back at square one (or worse). It's such a huge risk isn't it?

You can't change him OP, and it seems a massive risk to take - to move in with him on his say so. If you must try again with him, I wouldn't move in.

fuckoffImcounting · 29/04/2020 16:03

No, no and no, OP. He wants you to move in so that he has more control over you. He will be so lovely until you are settled and then it will all start again because poor didums had a nasty old childhood. Fuck that OP, do yourself a favour, this man is offering nothing but misery.

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