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Original poster

Boyfriend cheated early on in relationship - found out now

76 replies

Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:26

Hello there, not new to Mumsnet but lost previous log-in details.

I need advice please:

Started dating my boyfriend early last year. Casual dates, bit of fun and then felt him pulling back. I did ask him who I was to him and he said: “you’re my girlfriend”.

After not seeing him for a few weeks and studying on a course I dumped him.

He came round to help build something at mine 5 days after we split and we slept together.

He kept messaging me niceties and 3 weeks after we had sex he asked me out saying he missed me loads. Met him a week later and started dating him again. Met his best friends, family, kids and he met mine. Went on play dates together and he would stay at mine (has a key). All hunky dory.

Not.

So in January I found out that he slept with a girl (one night stand) while we were broken up and the next day he basically asked me out again. I found out because he carried on chatting to her on WhatsApp and leading her on despite being with me. I was at his Family’s Christmas dinner, Bonfire night with both our children etc.

I asked for truth and said to him: was there anyone else? I want to know because then we can move forward. He said he went on some dates but just for coffee.

2 months go by and we’re getting on great. Then I come across a chat that’s been left open. I know the woman on there and the context leads me to believe they had an affair.

So I asked him and he said they were seeing each other while we were broken up.

I asked her and -OMG- the stuff she’s told me, dates, texts and locations I can all verify. He’s basically been sleeping with her (she’s a work colleague) and then me and then that other girl. Didn’t use a condom but said he did with the one night stand. ... He then started dating me again and kept sleeping with her and me!!

I took him away for a long weekend that I paid for and looked forward to spending time with him and he basically kept going round to her desk trying it on. Trying it on at the Christmas party, etc. Tried to kiss her days before the Christmas dinner at his family’s home.

I am just stunned and obviously very upset. I trusted him to meet my kids and have loved being part of his family. He is a loving and gentle person, kind and caring. I feel blindsided by it all so please go easy on me.

Since January he’s been nothing but solid gold on the surface. Now I’ve found out I don’t know what to do.

He’s crying and upset, saying he adores me but came out of a long marriage where his ex cheated on him. He didn’t know whether he wanted a proper relationship and just wanted to date a bit. So why didn’t he say that?

He has self esteem issues. Worried about not being good enough for me, about not dressing right for me etc. We come from very different backgrounds but I couldn’t care less. I love him just as he is -well caveat that..

What do I do now?

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/04/2020 14:32

Sorry you've found this out. Unless you want to be with a lying, cheating, manipulative, gaslighting idiot then you know what to do and count your blessings you've found him.out

Lllot5 · 19/04/2020 14:35

I think you’re going to have to dump him. You’ll never have a moment’s peace otherwise.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:36

He’s moved in with me and since January he’s been nothing but wonderful and kind. He said it happened because he was lonely and felt I would eventually dump him so didn’t give it a chance in the beginning but is now so in love and happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:37

He slept with her and then slept with me 2 days later and stayed at mine to go to work. Feeling eeww right now.

OP posts:
peppermintcapsules · 19/04/2020 14:37

Dump!

He has self esteem issues. Worried about not being good enough for me, about not dressing right for me etc. We come from very different backgrounds but I couldn’t care less. I love him just as he is -well caveat that..

Oh, please! He's an adult with kids. He's gaslighting. He'll have you working hard to make him feel good because he has 'self-esteem issues'.

Lllot5 · 19/04/2020 14:38

Well he would say that wouldn’t he? Now he's been caught.
Honestly dump him.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/04/2020 14:39

It's not a one off though is it? I get that you weren't serious at that point but you were together and he lied, over and over. He put your health at risk. Don't accept all this 'low self esteem' bollocks as an excuse.

BaroleCaskin · 19/04/2020 14:39

Yeha he will likely to say anything to keep you sweet. If you show him now that you can forgive his cheating, chances are he will do it again.

billy1966 · 19/04/2020 14:39

OP, you know that this isn't great.

That's why you have posted.

I wouldn't trust him.

He sounds sneaky and manipulative.

Either way I wouldn't expect much from him.

Good luck.

Somewhereovertherainbow85 · 19/04/2020 14:42

He sounds like an ex of mine. Total narcissist that had an excuse for shit behaviour & always manipulated me into feeling sorry for him in order to forgive him! Loser!

The fact you “came across” something on his phone to begin with suggests you were suspicious, or else why look at his phone? Do you really want a lifetime of feeling like you need to check his phone?

He’s a liar, tell him to do one & find someone that respects you!!!

Morporkia · 19/04/2020 14:45

get him the fuck out of your house and then get an STD test. If he didn’t use a condom with work girl then he didn’t use a condom with one night stand firm...and I’m assuming he doesn’t use a condom with you? Selfish, dirty, using, useless prick! And You’re right to feel ewwwww. He’s a disgusting excuse for a man.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/04/2020 14:47

He is a loving and gentle person, kind and caring

He's also a manipulate cheat who risked your health by having unprotected sex...

The fact that you're lapping up the sob story and crocodile tears concerns me.

If you're happy with that for yourself then by all means crack on but I think you're making a big mistake.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:49

I do feel he is making excuses.

I wanted to know if this sort of scenario sometimes happens in a relationship and a partner can then make up his mind and be nothing but solid.

I had a narcissistic cheating ex husband so maybe I make excuses for my new partner.

I did look because I always suspected he and her had a “thing” but not quite so recent.

When I asked him about the other girl I asked who else did he see I needed a clean slate and he said he went on 2 dates. The way he looked down and left gave me the idea that he was lying. So I looked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:50

That’s what I think. He didn’t use one with any of us. Though I did find condoms in a drawer at his place. I can’t cope today, just so upset.

OP posts:
Morporkia · 19/04/2020 14:51

I think you know that if it starts on a shaky foundation it will almost always fall apart somewhere down the line. It’s still early days in your relationship and if you leave it any longer it will hurt more when he does it again. And again. And again. It’s shit but you know you deserve better than him. 💐

givemeacall · 19/04/2020 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somewhereovertherainbow85 · 19/04/2020 15:19

But he’s already broken your trust, how can you possibly believe anything he says again.

I think it’s normal for people to occasionally date more than one person at the start then you realise who you want & you only see them. You don’t keep jumping back & forth! He wants you but I’d put money on him cheating again.

My ex used to come to my place of work declaring his love, I met all his friends....turned out his “jealous ex” was still very much his girlfriend. I have no doubt there were more girls. These men will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want, you don’t deserve that.

Did I read that you have kids? Well would you want your son treating a girl that way? Or your daughter being treated that way? No! So there’s your answer. Be a strong example for your kids not to tolerate this mans bullshit!! You can & will find better!

CodenameVillanelle · 19/04/2020 15:25

He didn't even come clean when you asked him
FFS

BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 15:41

He has self esteem issues. Worried about not being good enough for me, about not dressing right for me etc. We come from very different backgrounds but I couldn’t care less. I love him just as he is -well caveat that..

Yeah my ex cheated on me because he felt emasculated as I earned more than him. So emasculated he shagged other people and blamed me doing well at work. Not quite so emasculated as to get off his arse and work even nearly as hard as me. Funny that.

He's pulled out such textbook excuses - low self esteem, i knew you were too good for me, I was worried you would break my heart etc etc. These are just ways of basically saying 'ITS NOT MY FAULT SO DONT BE MEAN'.

Even if it was low, his self esteem is not your burden and it sounds like you've done nothing but boost him anyway.

His confidence was high enough to be shagging three different women unprotected without them knowing about each other....

Why on EARTH would you waste time on even trying to work on this relationship? You gave him loads of opportunities to come clean and he decided to lie.

Come on OP, he's not worth all this headspace.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2020 16:18

He's a cheater and a liar...he'll probably do it again too.

His so called reasons are excuses to gain sympathy from you. He feels he's not good enough for you and his twisted logic makes him think cheating is the answer to that.

No better way to confirm that he's not good enough...he's proven what he said. The only truth from his mouth, is he isn't good enough for you.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 16:24

He said he came out of a marriage and wanted to “be a bit wild” Hmm and experience different things then basically caught feelings the second time round with me and let the others go.

Interestingly the woman has told me he kept trying it on and tried to go with her after the work Christmas do. She told him no and reminded him that he had a girlfriend. He texted back saying that it “would have been good”.

Whatever the chuff that’s supposed to mean. He admitted kissing her a few days before Christmas and now I’m left thinking he’s a complete scumbag sat opposite me with his family and smiling to my face when he knows exactly what he’s been up to.

I’m really clear cut in relationships and don’t “make my mind up” and then flip a switch. I devote my time and energy to one person at a time when I date. That’s why I came on here to see if I am just a bit too severe in my thinking.

Thank you for your comments and being kind. Not having a good time right now obviously and struggling to compute the image I had of him with who he is in reality.

OP posts:
Techway · 19/04/2020 16:30

He is using victim statements to make you feel sorry for him.

He isn't trust worthy and that doesn't change. Why did he SAY he separated from his wife? I suspect he has a history of cheating but he will never admit it. Now you have proof why would you choose to go forward? There will always be doubt in your mind as he deceived you and you didn't have a clue. Why would it be different?

BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 16:36

Also try not to let him persuade you to minimise the disrespect of him having unprotected sex with other people while doing so with you too.

It's a disgustingly selfish thing for him to do and there is NO excuse for that.

Low self esteem doesn't make you forget to put a condom on, he didn't wear a condom with any of you because he wanted to not wear one more than he wanted you to ensure he wasn't risking your health.

He was happy to risk giving you an STD. More than once. That's how little he thinks of you (and women in general by the sound of him).

Fuck him off OP, this one isn't a keeper.

MsDogLady · 19/04/2020 16:37

I had a narcissistic cheating ex husband...

And now you have a narcissistic cheating boyfriend who is taking you for a fool by assuming you will fall for his lies and manipulations. Remove him from your life asap. You deserve a man of integrity who respects you and cares about your health.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2020 16:42

Interestingly the woman has told me he kept trying it on and tried to go with her after the work Christmas do. She told him no and reminded him that he had a girlfriend. He texted back saying that it “would have been good

When your BF has to be reminded by a woman he's chasing that he has a GF......it's the beginning of the end.

You just didn't know it at the time.

Get rid and don't fall for his attempts to keep you. The trust is gone...